Not sure how to proceed

[LivingDeadGrl]

I have been seeing a guy for about a month that my friend hooked me up with, we slept together after about 5 dates and have been seeing each other quite frequently. I posted previously about how he is not a big texter and it makes me a bit insecure... But in person all is well. I have met a bunch of his friends, and we do text every day but very little. No good mornings or good nights, some times I will get a "hope your day is going good" but it's usually me saying it.

Anyway, I am at the point where I think it's make or break. I'm not bored with him at all, but his lack of attention toward me when we are not together is off-putting. I don't expect to talk to him 24/7 at all, but if he doesn't like to text then even a 10 minute phone call would be sufficient to me. Sometimes he does call, mostly not. I don't call him because I never know what he is doing or when he is home from work.

We have not had that "exclusive" talk, but I am sure he is not seeing anyone else and neither am I. I just feel like he is not putting in any effort to talk to me when we aren't together.

I am not the clingy type and trying very hard to figure him out, I have never experienced a guy that is like this. Even feelings wise, he has not said once how he feels about me. I don't want to bring it up as it has only been a month. I feel a bit that it has moved really fast, maybe too fast. I have been contemplating stepping back. Last night we texted a little, I told him about how I had buyers remorse about what I had bought earlier that day and etc... His reply was just "lmao"... I was like, okay. He wasn't busy I am sure... So I left it at that.

I want to make one thing clear, I don't chase anyone. I feel like maybe he wants me to, or I am just reading this whole thing wrong... But women like attention from their guy, and if we aren't getting it well what does that mean?

I just don't know how to proceed. I like him, and could be with him, but he's making me feel like he's not that into me. It's hard to tell at this point because he is not easy to read. He spends most of his free time with me, I doubt he would if he didn't want to ....but I am starting to think maybe he just isn't the right guy for me, because I do like attention and communication from the person I'm with.

 

Ugh, so now what?

[Redfisher]

I think you answered your own question....He may well be a good dude but you two are not really compatible. Wish I could help more.

[katiegrl]

I have been seeing a guy for about a month that my friend hooked me up with, we slept together after about 5 dates and have been seeing each other quite frequently. I posted previously about how he is not a big texter and it makes me a bit insecure... But in person all is well. I have met a bunch of his friends, and we do text every day but very little. No good mornings or good nights, some times I will get a "hope your day is going good" but it's usually me saying it.

Anyway, I am at the point where I think it's make or break. I'm not bored with him at all, but his lack of attention toward me when we are not together is off-putting. I don't expect to talk to him 24/7 at all, but if he doesn't like to text then even a 10 minute phone call would be sufficient to me. Sometimes he does call, mostly not. I don't call him because I never know what he is doing or when he is home from work.

We have not had that "exclusive" talk, but I am sure he is not seeing anyone else and neither am I. I just feel like he is not putting in any effort to talk to me when we aren't together.

I am not the clingy type and trying very hard to figure him out, I have never experienced a guy that is like this. Even feelings wise, he has not said once how he feels about me. I don't want to bring it up as it has only been a month. I feel a bit that it has moved really fast, maybe too fast. I have been contemplating stepping back. Last night we texted a little, I told him about how I had buyers remorse about what I had bought earlier that day and etc... His reply was just "lmao"... I was like, okay. He wasn't busy I am sure... So I left it at that.

I want to make one thing clear, I don't chase anyone. I feel like maybe he wants me to, or I am just reading this whole thing wrong... But women like attention from their guy, and if we aren't getting it well what does that mean?

I just don't know how to proceed. I like him, and could be with him, but he's making me feel like he's not that into me. It's hard to tell at this point because he is not easy to read. He spends most of his free time with me, I doubt he would if he didn't want to ....but I am starting to think maybe he just isn't the right guy for me, because I do like attention and communication from the person I'm with.

 

Ugh, so now what?

 

How often do you see him? Some men just aren't big texters or callers in between dates. It is not a reflection of how they feel about you.

 

Does he know you would like more contact between dates?

[kismetkismet]

you could give it a bit more time to see if things develop, but it seems like he's either not really invested in it going anywhere, or he has different needs from a relationship than you. That usually doesn't change very much if it hasn't after the first month or two. Being in a relationship where you feel like you're pulling teeth just to get some interaction out of them is no fun at all.

[lilmissjava]

What I would do is next time you see each other in person, take the time to discuss the communication issues. It is important in any relationship as I think you know.

 

Without that, you have what you're asking us here.

[thecrucible]

I had a guy like this, and as I mentioned on another thread, I wish I'd figured out sooner than we had totally different emotional needs and it was a no go. Firstly I agree with you. You're not being clingy by wanting to have contact in-between dates. You could bring it up with him in person by flipping it back on him, by asking him whether he values more communication between dates and his preferred method of contact. I say this because people will often unknowingly treat another person's needs as the same as their own until they know otherwise. But then after that, you could verbalise the fact that you enjoy hearing from him when not together. If the guy likes you enough, he should react to that.

 

The guy I talked about, I only found out afterwards from his mate that he had Asperger's (which would have been helpful to know). It seems unlikely but just throwing that out there as a possibility.

[d0nnivain]

You can tell him what you want without being clingy.

 

I'd say something along the lines of where we are & what we are doing is good. I'm not trying to pressure you or change you but honesty I'd prefer it if you could make more of an effort to reach out to me. I'm not talking 24/7 & I don't need to be in your back pocket but if you could call me maybe once per week & send an occasional hello text that would go a long way.

[LilaMarie]

I am in the same boat...sort of. For me, I think maybe it cooled off :-(

[LivingDeadGrl]

How often do you see him? Some men just aren't big texters or callers in between dates. It is not a reflection of how they feel about you.

 

Does he know you would like more contact between dates?

 

When he isn't away working I see him probably every other day. We've spent every weekend together since we started seeing each other.

 

I have not communicated that I want more contact in between, I've just been going with the flow. He has been this way the whole time, not really big at texting and takes a while to reply sometimes.

Also we've sort of cut out the whole "hey sexy, hey gorgeous, hey (term of endearment) lately. I don't know why. I honestly am starting to think maybe we've spent too much time together lol.

 

I haven't wanted to bring anything up to him yet because it's not exactly serious yet and I'm trying not to jump the gun. I just hate the lack of attention and lack of care sort of speak.

Like today, I sent him a sweet text and he sent me back two kissy face smileys. This was at about noon. I told myself okay, no more messaging he can message you. Still have not heard anything, lol. Granted he is away working, and is working long hours.. But it's 10:30 at night now. I know he hasn't been on Facebook either so I'm not offended... But Maybe we just aren't compatible.

[katiegrl]

You can tell him what you want without being clingy.

 

I'd say something along the lines of where we are & what we are doing is good. I'm not trying to pressure you or change you but honesty I'd prefer it if you could make more of an effort to reach out to me. I'm not talking 24/7 & I don't need to be in your back pocket

 

 

**but if you could call me maybe once per week & send an occasional hello text that would go a long way***.

 

I couldn't help but chuckle at this^^. Once a week? OP just disclosed they see each other every other DAY and every weekend. And they DO have contact every day, just not enough or the right kind of contact.

 

And they have only been seeing each other a month.

 

OP, don't know what your past relationships were like, but hope you realize that seeing each other every other day and every weekend is an incredible amount of time spent together after only one month of dating.....

 

Not to mention daily contact, but apparently not the *right* type of contact, or not long enough, or whatever...

 

But it's still not enough for you, and you feel insecure despite your dates being great. Again, after only one month of dating.

 

Well, granted I am very independent and would probably feel completely suffocated seeing a new love interest that often ...plus the daily contact, but if you feel insecure, then so be it.

 

However, please know that your insecurities are not his problem or issue to fix, they're yours.

 

Obviously he must be very into you since he is wanting to see and spend time with you so often ...introduced you to his friends ..... so my advice would be to give the guy a break, be happy he wants to spend so much time with you ...and that you *do* have daily contact (albeit short) ....and work on resolving your insecurity issues.

 

What you are needing (in excess of what is happening already) takes TIME to develop. Again, it has only been one month.

 

Be patient. Give it time. Keep busy on your days off from each other (every other day), and lower your, IMO, high expectations. The shorter texts in between your dates are actually a good thing, otherwise you risk early burn out.

 

Wish you the best....

Edited November 18, 2015 by katiegrl

[d0nnivain]

Seeing each other daily is a huge amount of contact so early so I'm befuddled about what the problem is.

 

 

I get the feeling though that OP always initiates. Part of the issue with so much time spent together is the poor guy doesn't have a chance to initiate because the OP is all over him

 

 

With my original answer I thought they were seeing each other less frequently but that the OP was still concerned because she always called him. To avoid looking clingy, I suggested a specific but certainly not overwhelming # of contacts: 1.

[xcupid]

It seems you want more than he can give or has time to give. Makes you look insecure and clingy. The amount of contact you have right now is acceptable when you're just starting out dating IMO.

[GunslingerRoland]

Your expectations for communication sound really out of whack with what most men will do, and clearly what he will do. Is it worth breaking up with him for? It seems so petty if everything is going well in person. You guys will continue to see more of each other as it gets more serious.

 

 

But it sounds like this texting flirting is super important to you, so if you decide it's the hill you want your relationship to die on, then I guess you have to do that. Seems like a horrible reason to break up with someone though.

[katiegrl]

When he isn't away working I see him probably every other day. We've spent every weekend together since we started seeing each other.

 

I have not communicated that I want more contact in between, I've just been going with the flow. He has been this way the whole time, not really big at texting and takes a while to reply sometimes.

Also we've sort of cut out the whole "hey sexy, hey gorgeous, hey (term of endearment) lately. I don't know why. I honestly am starting to think maybe we've spent too much time together lol.

 

 

 

 

***I haven't wanted to bring anything up to him yet because it's not exactly serious yet and I'm trying not to jump the gun. I just hate the lack of attention and lack of care sort of speak.****

 

 

 

 

Like today, I sent him a sweet text and he sent me back two kissy face smileys. This was at about noon. I told myself okay, no more messaging he can message you. Still have not heard anything, lol. Granted he is away working, and is working long hours.. But it's 10:30 at night now. I know he hasn't been on Facebook either so I'm not offended... But Maybe we just aren't compatible.

 

Quote in asterisk above: Well you *are* jumping the gun, you're just keeping it all inside instead of burdening him with it.

 

What I don't get (and I agree with d0nnivain here) is why you are jumping the gun. It's only been a month!

 

You said he is very attentive on your dates, which are frequent. Introduced you to his friends.

 

And you are considering ending this blossoming relationship because on the days you don't see him (every other day), he doesn't call you for 10 minutes?

 

Do you actually like this guy, care about him? Or are you just looking for a guy who gives you attention 24/7? That is what it looks like to me....in fact you seem mad at him for not giving you attention 24/7!

 

Relax! Like I said before, the amount of time he is actually spending with you plus he has introduced you to his friends, plus you *are* in touch every day....it sounds like he is VERY invested in this!

 

Okay so he is not big with the verbal affirmations just yet ...but his *actions* certainly indicate he is invested.

 

And it is not like he has pulled back, he has been consistent with everything from day one!

 

Honestly I fail to see the issue here (with him anyway).

 

IMO, the issue is you. You are needy and demanding. Your expectations are too high for only one month in. You said yourself, the relationship is not serious yet, so again chill out and on the days you don't see him (and there is only one day in between your dates) ...have fun with your friends, take a hobby, something so you are not so focused on him.

 

It sounds like he is very busy, and if you don't get a handle on your own insecurities and neediness, you will eventually drive him away.

 

Apologies if this sounds harsh, but seriously OP, you are being unreasonable here with what you are needing and requiring at this EARLY stage of the game.

Edited November 18, 2015 by katiegrl

[LivingDeadGrl]

Well this is exactly why I am asking, because I don't want to and shouldn't say anything to him at this point.

I already said I don't need to talk to him 24/7, and keep in mind that when I said we see each other every other day that is only when he is not working. When he is working I won't see him for 3-4 days, with little communication.

I do sound needy! It's not what I want at all, and I have not been texting him like crazy or anything like that. I have not been suffocating him, all of these thoughts are internal but I needed advice.

I've been taking his lead on the texting for the most part and have been going with the flow on everything. I guess I am just not used to someone who doesn't make more of an effort. I guess I am used to being the "textee" not the "texter". I don't even care if we text all the time at all, I am willing to deal with it to a certain extent. Maybe I would just like a "How was your day?" for once. Why is that so much to ask? We've been seeing each other for a month, so not very long, but we've spent quite a bit of time together so I think I deserve something more than a "lol" to the stuff I say.

 

I didn't hear from him at all last night or this morning, but he did "like" my post on FB. I guess that's his form of communication for the day. I'm still not messaging him. He's the busy one, so he should reach out, no?

[WhirlwindGuy]

Well this is exactly why I am asking, because I don't want to and shouldn't say anything to him at this point.

I already said I don't need to talk to him 24/7, and keep in mind that when I said we see each other every other day that is only when he is not working. When he is working I won't see him for 3-4 days, with little communication.

I do sound needy! It's not what I want at all, and I have not been texting him like crazy or anything like that. I have not been suffocating him, all of these thoughts are internal but I needed advice.

I've been taking his lead on the texting for the most part and have been going with the flow on everything. I guess I am just not used to someone who doesn't make more of an effort. I guess I am used to being the "textee" not the "texter". I don't even care if we text all the time at all, I am willing to deal with it to a certain extent. Maybe I would just like a "How was your day?" for once. Why is that so much to ask? We've been seeing each other for a month, so not very long, but we've spent quite a bit of time together so I think I deserve something more than a "lol" to the stuff I say.

 

I didn't hear from him at all last night or this morning, but he did "like" my post on FB. I guess that's his form of communication for the day. I'm still not messaging him. He's the busy one, so he should reach out, no?

 

 

Somehow I am dating the opposite girl from you. I like to text here and there throughout the day. I enjoy initiating contact, and the flirty stuff that go's on early in a relationship. The girl I am seeing doesn't apparently. Now we are in some weird, not talking to each other for a week situation, because she felt like things were going too fast.

[katiegrl]

I see your point, tnx for clarifying further. He does sound rather non-chalant...

 

Bottom line, if your gut is telling you he is not that into you, or not invested, then dump him and move on.

 

You are the one dating him, not me, not any of us.

 

Only you know how you feel and how it's affecting you.

 

And no ...on the weeks when you don't see him for 3-4 days, a "hi how was your day" is not too much for ask.

 

Again, thanks for clarifying, I get it.

 

For me, I would have no problem with it...but I am super independent and need my lone time.

 

So this would be ideal for me at this early stage.

 

But you have to do what is right for you. If you need more than he can give right now, then end it. Or accept what he is desirous of giving (at this point), and give it more time.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted....

Edited November 18, 2015 by katiegrl

[Ic1]

The amount of contact you have right now is acceptable when you're just starting out dating IMO.

 

I agree. OP, you're being clingy if expecting more attention than he gives. It's best to save communication for in person anyways! (And you definitely see each other often enough).

 

You're looking to be kept in the back pocket and being checked on every other hour? I just had to tell a friend last night she was being a creep by trying to know where her bf was last or is at the time.

[LivingDeadGrl]

I agree he is a bit non-chalant. Maybe it's just who he is, he is an independent dude and that's fine. I don't think I am being unreasonable wanting a little attention.

 

I am not clingy! Maybe it seems so from this post lol, but I can tell you from his point of view there's no way he thinks so. I really don't text him that much, and when we hang out it's back and forth on who invites who. I don't want to talk to him every hour or be in his back pocket I really don't, that is so not what I am asking for at all...

 

He did text me this morning saying "16 hour days :P"

 

I haven't responded yet. I get he is busy and working, so I am patient... But I think our ways of communication are very much different. I've dated guys who work 16 hour days and they always found the time to call or text me.

 

Am I really over reacting that much? Seems like you all think so.

[katiegrl]

I agree he is a bit non-chalant. Maybe it's just who he is, he is an independent dude and that's fine. I don't think I am being unreasonable wanting a little attention.

 

I am not clingy! Maybe it seems so from this post lol, but I can tell you from his point of view there's no way he thinks so. I really don't text him that much, and when we hang out it's back and forth on who invites who. I don't want to talk to him every hour or be in his back pocket I really don't, that is so not what I am asking for at all...

 

He did text me this morning saying "16 hour days :P"

 

I haven't responded yet. I get he is busy and working, so I am patient... But I think our ways of communication are very much different. I've dated guys who work 16 hour days and they always found the time to call or text me.

 

Am I really over reacting that much? Seems like you all think so.

 

No one said you were *clingy* ......just maybe a bit *needy* in that you are expecting (and needing) more attention than is warranted after only one month dating.

 

But I gotta say, his text this morn was cold! That is all he said? That would bother me too!

 

No don't respond to that, it doesn't require a response.

 

By the way, what did your text say that prompted him to write that? Or did he just text you that out of the blue?

 

If so, he sounds cold!. No you are not over-reacting. Pull back.

[LivingDeadGrl]

No one said you were *clingy* ......just maybe a bit *needy* in that you are expecting (and needing) more attention than is warranted after only one month dating.

 

But I gotta say, his text this morn was cold! That is all he said? That would bother me too!

 

No don't respond to that, it doesn't require a response.

 

By the way, what did your text say that prompted him to write that? Or did he just text you that out of the blue?

 

If so, he sounds cold!. No you are not over-reacting. Pull back.

 

He just texted that out of the blue. I don't take it as cold though, maybe just his explanation on why he hasn't messaged. It's not out of the norm for him to sound this way...lol

I waited an hour and a half before i responded and said "Aww lol well you rock those 16 hour days babe! You p*ss excellence remember?" (its an inside joke)

Then he said "Thats right! and sh*t rainbows!" then I said "F*ck yeah!" (also an inside joke)

 

I wanted to respond because although his lack of communication bothers me, it has only been a short time and I don't want him to think I'm not interested...But that being said I won't be messaging him again unless he does. I am trying to play it off like I don't care.

[katiegrl]

He just texted that out of the blue. I don't take it as cold though, maybe just his explanation on why he hasn't messaged. It's not out of the norm for him to sound this way...lol

I waited an hour and a half before i responded and said "Aww lol well you rock those 16 hour days babe! You p*ss excellence remember?" (its an inside joke)

Then he said "Thats right! and sh*t rainbows!" then I said "F*ck yeah!" (also an inside joke)

 

I wanted to respond because although his lack of communication bothers me, it has only been a short time and I don't want him to think I'm not interested...But that being said I won't be messaging him again unless he does. I am trying to play it off like I don't care.

 

Okay, but keep in mind, when you respond back the way you did ...you send him the message that you are okay (even good) with his communication style, which you are not.

 

What I am seeing is he sends you a rather cold and impersonal text, and you enthusiastically respond back hoping to elicit an equally enthusiastic response back.

 

Basically you are jumping through hoops, while he sits back and enjoys all the attention you are giving him!

 

Seems a bit unbalanced IMO...which I think you feel too, yet you continue doing the same thing, despite your really feeling insecure and unhappy.

 

That's not honest.

 

We teach people how to treat us, via our actions and responses.

 

Something to think about.

Edited November 18, 2015 by katiegrl

[LivingDeadGrl]

Okay, but keep in mind, when you respond back the way you did ...you send him the message that you are okay (even good) with his communication style, which you are not.

 

What I am seeing is he sends you a rather cold and impersonal text, and you enthusiastically respond back hoping to elicit an equally enthusiastic response back.

 

Basically you are jumping through hoops, while he sits back and enjoys all the attention you are giving him!

 

Seems a bit unbalanced IMO...which I think you feel too, yet you continue doing the same thing, despite your really feeling insecure and unhappy.

 

That's not honest.

 

We teach people how to treat us, via our actions and responses.

 

Something to think about.

 

Well honestly this thread sort of made me think I was over reacting at the time, and whereas he has never been a big texter and his responses have always been this way, I just roll with it and tried to give off that I didn't care, I know he's busy, and we aren't exactly boyfriend and girlfriend yet.

 

You are right though, I am not happy about it and I don't get back what I give. Not in text, anyway. In person he is extremely chatty with me. Maybe that's why I am so conflicted. I don't think he is a "feelings" type of guy either.

[katiegrl]

Well honestly this thread sort of made me think I was over reacting at the time, and whereas he has never been a big texter and his responses have always been this way, I just roll with it and tried to give off that I didn't care, I know he's busy, and we aren't exactly boyfriend and girlfriend yet.

 

You are right though, I am not happy about it and I don't get back what I give. Not in text, anyway. In person he is extremely chatty with me. Maybe that's why I am so conflicted. I don't think he is a "feelings" type of guy either.

 

I dunno hun, I would not have responded to that text. It didn't warrant a response, and it was cold and impersonal.

 

If he wondered why you weren't responding, let him text you again!

 

Give HIM a chance to step up to the plate, you are doing all the work (in between your dates) ...which isn't motivating him to do much of anything, except toss you scraps every so often, and watch you twist yourself trying to get some attention back!

 

If you want change, pls stop doing that....it is sending him the wrong message.

[LivingDeadGrl]

I dunno hun, I would not have responded to that text. It didn't warrant a response, and it was cold and impersonal.

 

If he wondered why you weren't responding, let him text you again!

 

Give HIM a chance to step up to the plate, you are doing all the work (in between your dates) ...which isn't motivating him to do much of anything, except toss you scraps every so often, and watch you twist yourself trying to get some attention back!

 

If you want change, pls stop doing that....it is sending him the wrong message.

 

 

Now I regret it, LOL. You are right though, I probably shouldn't have responded. I can't keep jumping through hoops for the little crumbs he gives me. I'll keep you updated on how it goes. I am stepping back.