sunglasses Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 It's been five months since she left me after 4+ years. I've been doing probably everything you'd tell me to do. NC, haven't talked to her in months outside of a short reply to a birthday message she sent me and a short email about mailing each other our things. I've been going out more, spending more time with different and new friends. I've been exercising more. I've even gone a few dates to try to out myself out there again (nothing serious). I even spent a couple weeks abroad. But I feel stuck. Not a day goes by without her popping into my head one way or another. I often feel like I'm stuck waiting for something to happen, like her to come back and say she made a mistake. Before you tell me I shouldn't be thinking that way, let me emphasize that this is how I feel, without being able to control it. Or maybe I'm just waiting for something to happen in my life that makes me magically forget her. Maybe a new girl. I don't know. I don't know what else to do. I can't say its not a signifcant burden. My performance at work has been suffering from it. And moreover, I'm just tired of feeling like this. Is just time really the answer here?
Silver_star Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Yes. It is just time. It sounds like you are doing the right things. Eventually the day will come when something bigger happens for you. Whatever that be a new girl, a new job or whatever.
7121157 Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Yes, its time sir. Its ok to feel what youre feeling. Right now, you have to keep doing you. Keep doing what youre doing and stay productive and busy. I know its easier said then done, but thats what you have to do. Try to do things that is outside your comfort zone. I'm currently trying to heal from a break up and one of the things I did was take a cooking class. It have me a chance to learn how to cook and meet cool people along the way. Try and not have that false sense of hope. The truth is she is gone, and hoping for someone that doesnt want to be with you is a waste of energy. I am guilt of still hoping, but I have to keep checking myself and telling myself, there is no hope. The only hope you should have is finding love with someone that is willing to love you the way you deserve. Keep pushing forward, dont give up. Take care of your mind and your body. I hope this helps. 1
Gmuck Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 (edited) My friend, I feel the exact same way. Just a little over 4 months myself since she initiated the bu. Doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing. Have been going out nonstop more in the past 4 months then I have in a long time. I also feel stuck. Unable to move on. I feel like I should be further along than I am. I know she isn't as bad off and is happy. Hard to no think about that and make it worse for myself. Just wanted you to know that right now at this very moment and what tomorrow brings there is someone else miles away going thru the same stuff. The same pain, running thoughts, what if's and just maybe in the very back of your brain buried under miles of thoughts we think maybe she will realize what she lost. But I know that's now coming. I think it's the last of what comfort I get from her and all that's left. Comfort that maybe she will come back and knowing I have to move forward. I want to lose all hope for her. It's just so hard to keep moving forward and not looking back. As mentioned before there at least two of out there on the same timeframe going thru the same heartache and healing process. I hate to say misery loves company but for me I feel better knowing from your story I'm not alone with this. That this does happen to others and everyone eventually gets thru it. Edited November 18, 2015 by Gmuck
mightycpa Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 Yes, time. You're measuring your time in months, which is good, but right now, it sounds like you're feeling your time in hours or days. Not good. I think you need to examine why you really want her to tell you she wants you back. Is it to soothe the rejection you felt? So you can tell her to **** off? So you can go back? Was she cold, and you'd just like to be able to know that it actually affected her? I think it you explore this, and get to the bottom of this thing you're looking for from her, you won't need it nearly as much as you think you do. Unless you're really very much in touch with your feelings, then that examination is going to take some time. You've got to express those deep down feelings in order to heal. The worst thing you can do is to deny them their day in the sun. 1
jmw1727 Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 Fellas, I am in the same boat. Just about 5 months post break up and some days I feel great, while others I feel "stuck" and feel I have made no progress at all. Have maintained no contact for two months, yet I still have some unrealistic hope that she will come back. Who I am I kidding though? She had a new boyfriend a month after the breakup. I think I remain stuck because I am afraid of cutting her completely out of my life (if that makes sense). Right now all I have is that hope, without that she is gone forever. This is probably a good stage to be at though because once I give up that hope, there will be no more her and hopefully indifference.
marky00 Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 9 mths post and I still feel that way. Even as you start to heal a bit and learn to survive without them, I definately do keep getting that feeling that SOMETHING related to the past relationship will occur in the future. Who knows what that SOMETHING is. Sure a lot of us hope they come running back begging for forgiveness. Some would just like to see their EX squirm as they give an apology. But here's the thing. If you never do hear from them again, then ironically that is also SOMETHING. It tells you what type of person they are and would probably help you see the past relationship for what it was. So i guess the answer to what we are waiting for is this: WE ARE SIMPLY WAITING FOR TIME. WITH TIME, EVENTUALLY ALL WILL BE REVEALED
DontBreakEven Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 But here's the thing. If you never do hear from them again, then ironically that is also SOMETHING. It tells you what type of person they are and would probably help you see the past relationship for what it was. This is an interesting thought. You are correct, her silence indefinitely would tell me so much. I am 7 weeks out here ... not as far along as everyone else, but I am in the same exact boat. Living my life just feeling like I'm waiting for something to happen: for her to finally come to her senses, or her to completely disappear and new love walks into my life. Just waiting for SOMETHING. It's so exhausting.
Gmuck Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 @mightycpa, you make an interesting point on why we really want them back. I liked your suggestions of what it could really be. Do you have any other suggestions of maybe what we are truly missing? A couple of your suggestions hit home with me and got me thinking.
Author sunglasses Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 I think you need to examine why you really want her to tell you she wants you back. Is it to soothe the rejection you felt? So you can tell her to **** off? So you can go back? Was she cold, and you'd just like to be able to know that it actually affected her? I think this one is pretty easy. It's because I feel like we were great together. I really still think we could be really happy together. I think what happened is that we hit a bump and she withdrew a bit. I really think if she just gave it all a chance, everything would be great. I want her to come back so that we can get back together.
Silver_star Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 Not sure about the circumstances of your break up. If you think it was a bump in the road she obviously thought it was more than a bump, because she abandoned the relationship. Did she say why she broke up with you? Sometimes we don't get the answers that satisfy us, because we ourselves would rather work on the relationship than break up, but some people don't operate that way. Going back to a relationship that has been broken will not be the same. How old are the both of you if you don't mind me asking?
Ivanov1990 Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 I'm 4 months no contact and its absolutely killing me but you have to be a warrior and stick to it. You're not alone in this struggle. Also Do you guys ever get the feeling of nostalgia with your ex, like a certain place you guys went and had so much fun and whenever you think back to that place it hurts like hell? Thats the part that keeps me up for hours.....
Liono84 Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 I've said this before and I'll say it again, it's never the initial first few weeks or month of grieving that is the hardest part of moving on from a breakup; Rather, it's finally getting over the hurdle of completely letting go of false hope. That thing can linger for months, if not years. It is perfectly normal to have thoughts on your ex, and there is nothing abnormal about that. You can't just forget someone who you had such a deep connection with. I still have thoughts everyday regarding my ex and will prob continue to do so for awhile longer. What is important, though, is to not allow these thoughts to dictate our mood and our actions. When you allow these thoughts to linger on and get into the state of dwelling, and being unproductive, then it starts translating into the unhealthy zone. The best advice I can give you is to try and self-improve in every way possible in life; School, career, new hobbies, social life, friends, family etc. Don't allow this to close your heart and prevent you from putting yourself in positions where you can meet a new partner who will potentially be a better match. Whenever the time comes and you meet your next partner, you will then forget about your ex, completely. Until then, focus on you, and learn to accept the fact that having these thoughts on your ex is normal. Just don't let them control you. 1
mightycpa Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 I think this one is pretty easy. It's because I feel like we were great together. I really still think we could be really happy together. I think what happened is that we hit a bump and she withdrew a bit. I really think if she just gave it all a chance, everything would be great. I want her to come back so that we can get back together.OK, that is easy. You're still clinging to false hope. I noticed you wrote this:I think what happened is that we hit a bump and she withdrew a bit. So the question is, forget your desires and wishes for a second, but objectively, in your mind, it's been 5 months. Do you actually believe that she's coming back, because what sent her packing was such a trivial thing, and she's just withdrawn a bit? At some point, your mind has to believe the truth before your heart will ever get there. If you impassionately think, given all the evidence at hand, that she might come to her senses and return to you, then no wonder you're stuck. Not only do you have hope, but you objectively think it is a reasonable outcome, a true possibility. When you believe that this will never happen, that's when your heart will start moving in that direction. But not until then.
Author sunglasses Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 I can't change how I feel. If only...
xuanqi1988 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 just think about it this way. If your ex left you, then unless she's thought it through and regret it with 100% of her heart, then she wouldn't be worthwhile. Just keep holding on and believe that someone will eventually come along, whether that is someone else or the new version of her who wants you 100%, because that and only that, is what you deserve, sir. :)
Blanco Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 It really is time. Four years is a long relationship any way you slice it. My ex and I agree that the actual end of our relationship was hazy, but next month, it'll be a year since I left the house and about 10 months since I knew it was finally over for good. And while I'm doing way better than before, I think about her every day. It's weird. I have no desire to talk to her most days, but I definitely have her and her kids on my mind often enough that I sometimes feel frustrated that I'm not further along. But then I consider the smaller, less perceptible strides I've made. The first few months, even a few days of NC felt nearly impossible. Now, I'll stop and think about how I haven't heard from her in a month or more and realize that was easier to "get through" than single days of NC in the beginning. I sometimes feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, though I don't know what. I wouldn't get back together with her, so her wanting me back would be strictly an ego thing, which I don't think is ultimately something to desire. She's with someone else, and while I've certainly felt the spectrum of emotions regarding that (except the joyous ones), I no longer feel I'm waiting out the end of her relationship, even though I would probably take a small degree of pleasure in hearing that. Long story short, there are times when I feel like I'm stuck, but then I compare now to then and realize that bit-by-bit, true healing is happening. It might sound like a platitude to you, but you have to just keep doing what you're doing. Eventually, you'll look back and realize how far you've come in the recovery process. 1
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