Terrall Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Hi I Only joined today so please excuse me if I'm a bit-ham fisted with regards to site ettiquette. I'm a 39 year old male and October last yeat I split with my 'childhood sweetheart' of 22 years. We spent 2 of those years married (Yep a sticking plaster wedding) and have two children. Obviously being together since we were teenagers she was all I ever knew in terms of relationship and partner. I'll spare you the details regarding that break up although it undoubtedly played or rather is playing a huge part in what I'm going to tell you, she isn't the reason I am here. Almost immidiately after we split and I had to leave the family home I ventured onto date sites and started playing around alot, it wasn't my finest moment as I behaved like a complete arsehole and over the space of a few months I trampled upon a lot of feelings and behaved in a manner that I never knew I was capable of. I can only put this down to a cr@p attempt at trying to cope with what I had lost and deal with my massive life changing event. Anyway, after many flings and broken hearts I met up with an old work colleague in January and she was/is nothing short of perfection in my eyes. I think that to her, I was a breath of fresh air because I came with a level of naivety and innocence when it came to relationships. I was always honest and up front which she loved. The relationship moved very fast indeed, with 3 months I had moved in with her but that is when I started to get nervous. Within 3 weeks I told her this was a big mistake and wanted to get out, I made a complete mess of the way I handled it and was lucky that she managed to forgive me and we tried again. Only a few months later and a few weeks ago I f*cked up again, I promised her the earth then got cold feet. Not because I don't love her but because I was struggling in the relationship. Struggling with her expectations and generally found it too stressfull to remain happy. At the age of 39 I've never experiennced the heartbreak of a young relationship break down, these are feelings I am not familiar with and it hurts like mad , what makes it even worse for me is knowing that I caused it, I have wounded her to the point where she will never speak to me again and I have given up the most amazing girl that I am still madly in Love with. Those 'loveable' traits of mine, created by a lack of understanding and experience of woman and relationships ended up being my down fall. I don't ever want to feel like this again and I wish this pain would dissapear. Right girl wrong time and now a life full of regret - possibly karma and no doubt I deserve what I am feeling. Not entirely sure why I'm posting this because I know where I went wrong, I know that she was too soon after such a huge relationship and I know that I should remain single and 'find myself'. How long will this agony last?
RMAC1989 Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Hi Mate I can see you haven't had any replies yet so I thought I'd give it a go as trust me I've been where you are now and I'm only just coming out the other side. Also as for your statement about not being sure why you posted, don't worry, sometimes we all need an outlet for our emotions outside of our normal circles and some reassurance can also be helpful. Don't beat yourself up about your behaviour too much either. No it's not something to be proud of but you already know that and identifying the issues as you seem to have done so already is a massive step in the right direction. Now I can fully understand that when a relationship breaks down there are a multitude of emotions flying through you and despite our best intentions we all do crazy **** that we look back on and think "How could I be so stupid". However just because we get older doesn't mean we automatically become wiser. It's our experiences that educate us and if you haven't been in this situation before then this is just your next lesson. My advice would be to push forward with self betterment as soon as you feel ready to do so. Yes it's cliche I know but trust me, you don't need to start big. Maybe wake up tomorrow and decide you're going to eat less cheese and just see where that takes you. Also as much as you are craving the attention and affection of this lady, try to come to terms with the fact that your actions clearly show you're not quite where you need to be yet to give her the true version of you that you want to. To push ahead now may only cause her further hurt if you're trying to get yourself back on track at the same time which in turn is then going to hurt you as you will feel like you've let her down again. If you take some time out to stabilise yourself and make that clear to her then not only will she be aware you're not running away but she may see that you can be strong without her, meaning you can be strong for her when she needs it. If it helps to make you feel like you're not alone then feel free to read my most recent and only post and you'll see why I have an understanding of what you're going through. I honestly hope something I've said is useful to you and I wish you the best of luck. 1
Silver_star Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 You probably are not going to like what I have to say, but it comes from a place of being hurt from men like you. It's honest. Sounds like you are already aware you should have stayed single for a longer time. You dragged people into your emotional baggage and hurt them in the process. You are aware of that, and yet you still feel "Boo-hoo" for you because you realize afterward that maybe this person was actually a really great person and if you had yourself together it may have worked. It's hard to feel sorry for you. You wanted a band-aid solution to coping with the loss of a 22 year old marriage. You got a band aid solution. The bandaid is coming off now, and you need to deal with yourself. Please deal with yourself. Go to a counsellor, go find some hobbies. Be YOU without a relationship taking over. Forgive yourself for the last time and the next time you meet someone you will be more sure of who you are, and what you want and you will not throw it away over "cold feet". 3
Author Terrall Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 (edited) Indeed Silver Star, what I am feeling is self inflicted and just-desserts. I'm fully aware of that Although I will say that all the feelings and dreams of a future together were genuine, this girl was certainly not a band aid. It was too soon and to be frank, I clearly didn't know what thet hell I was doing. I want her back desperately but now knowing how and why I screwed up, I'd not give it another shot for that very reason. I'd probably end up freaking out again. Edited November 17, 2015 by Terrall
Dylon Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I agree with the other poster, don't expect that you are wiser or it hurt less because you are older. You have 22 years of experience so no excuse for the lack of experience. You have a good quality: stability. Now, you have this bad quality: it's being nice and saying and doing the right thing(accepted thing) without deeper thoughts whether you mean it or not. Think back in days of grade school how people behave. It sounds like you treated this new girl this way. You are open, sensitive, and expressive, too eager. You call it "loveable traits". Is it really or you are just being more extreme in your expression far beyond how you really feel inside? You are just still very hurt and feeling too much in a rush to get into a relationship again, giving out all the wrong signals. Step back a bit and take more care in how you express yourself at this time. Good luck.
mojojojojo Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 You should see this wonderful peace of advice:
mightycpa Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 Hi I Only joined today so please excuse me if I'm a bit-ham fisted with regards to site ettiquette. I'm a 39 year old male and October last yeat I split with my 'childhood sweetheart' of 22 years. We spent 2 of those years married (Yep a sticking plaster wedding) and have two children. Obviously being together since we were teenagers she was all I ever knew in terms of relationship and partner. I'll spare you the details regarding that break up although it undoubtedly played or rather is playing a huge part in what I'm going to tell you, she isn't the reason I am here. Almost immidiately after we split and I had to leave the family home I ventured onto date sites and started playing around alot, it wasn't my finest moment as I behaved like a complete arsehole and over the space of a few months I trampled upon a lot of feelings and behaved in a manner that I never knew I was capable of. I can only put this down to a cr@p attempt at trying to cope with what I had lost and deal with my massive life changing event. Anyway, after many flings and broken hearts I met up with an old work colleague in January and she was/is nothing short of perfection in my eyes. I think that to her, I was a breath of fresh air because I came with a level of naivety and innocence when it came to relationships. I was always honest and up front which she loved. The relationship moved very fast indeed, with 3 months I had moved in with her but that is when I started to get nervous. Within 3 weeks I told her this was a big mistake and wanted to get out, I made a complete mess of the way I handled it and was lucky that she managed to forgive me and we tried again. Only a few months later and a few weeks ago I f*cked up again, I promised her the earth then got cold feet. Not because I don't love her but because I was struggling in the relationship. Struggling with her expectations and generally found it too stressfull to remain happy. At the age of 39 I've never experiennced the heartbreak of a young relationship break down, these are feelings I am not familiar with and it hurts like mad , what makes it even worse for me is knowing that I caused it, I have wounded her to the point where she will never speak to me again and I have given up the most amazing girl that I am still madly in Love with. Those 'loveable' traits of mine, created by a lack of understanding and experience of woman and relationships ended up being my down fall. I don't ever want to feel like this again and I wish this pain would dissapear. Right girl wrong time and now a life full of regret - possibly karma and no doubt I deserve what I am feeling. Not entirely sure why I'm posting this because I know where I went wrong, I know that she was too soon after such a huge relationship and I know that I should remain single and 'find myself'. How long will this agony last?So I'm curious what the bolded part means. What expectations would cause you so much stress that you'd blow up a relationship?
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