I know it's not right to have this in my head so how to get rid of it?

[Midelios]

This is my first post here in this thread, so bear with me.

 

Forgive the long post:

 

So I am well into my 2nd year in law school (not in the US so I could go straight to law school without tight qualifications after highschool) and my girlfriend has just graduated and after 18 months of dating (since highschool) we're right now on a LDR. (for 2 semesters while she was still in highschool, my law school was still in the same city so we still got to see each other, but now she's gone to college and she has to move away and that's when the LDR started, and that was 5 months ago).

 

Last year: With me going to law school, she'd always say that it worried her a bit that we'd be apart (when I thought it wasn't that bad, we are still in the same city), but I guess she meant that we wouldn't see each other everyday like highschool. So I pushed myself to be active, while still trying to manage time to see her weekly. Then I tried out this little thing called "moot court" (if you've been in one, or watched suits, you'd know what I'm talking about) and it required disciplined practice schedules. That's when things really started to take its toll. She was really problematic with how busy I was, even though I still managed to see her weekly. I'd even skip practices just to see her, or go overtime so I didn't have to practice on other days (to see her). This went on for about 2 semesters. Sometimes when we talk though, she'd slip in the implied worry that because I wasn't always near her, she's afraid there's someone else that might grab her attention (which almost acts like a threat, don't you think?) but nobody really did... until around graduation.

That's when this guy and her was really into each other and she was keeping it from me for a few weeks, until she suddenly told me because she couldn't handle keeping it from me anymore. I wasn't angry then. She said she felt guilty but I really didn't want to buy that but I still didn't want to be angry (I was more heartbroken really). Though soon after that she said she wanted NC with him and "chose" me.

Then a few weeks in she told me she was bored of me and was considering a break (up). Her reason was that she lost flair, and that I was too nice of a guy.

Truth was, they were still kind of in contact the whole time. By my idea, NC meant, well, NC. By her idea, it was okay to talk a few times here and there. The problem was, they one day had a "fight" (behind my back) and she said that he hurt her so bad she cut it all off. I thought she'd done that already.

Then, she suddenly back-tracked on her "I'm bored" statement and simply wanted me back. She said she was sorry and she thanked me for staying. All the while, I was trying like mad to balance school, her, friendship, and my mooutcourting. But she didn't let me get mad at her for that. You know? I asked what was up she said "don't bring what he said up" when I felt like I had the right to know. She said it opened up her mind to me and that she really realized that she loves me. But I felt like she didn't want to directly start another fight with me, noting that she was just through having one and that we also really rarely have fights, so I didn't have complete closure. I felt like she didn't "apologize" enough. I still keep a bit of that until now. I tried talking about it a few times but it always ends up the same way.

 

That was 4 months ago. After she graduated but before she moved out. Now, she's busy as can be with her college, but still with me and still (says) she loves me very much. We've only seen each other twice in 4 months. I do feel like she grew up, and she knows that as well, because college is very demanding of her and this is her first time living alone in a dorm. It's good that we both learned to stay apart but still be together. To leave certain things behind. Now the problem is, I'm still a bit hung.

 

I feel a struggling urge. Everytime I'm reminded of what happened it boils my blood. But I can't talk it out with her. She often tells me how tired she is at campus and because of that I don't want to add to the things that are already in her mind. She sometimes thanks me for still being there, and being patient (she does that a lot), but I sometimes have this feeling of dissatisfaction because after 3 months ago, I thought things would be easier but now they aren't. But the situation is like that so I can accept that. But I want to tell her that I wanted complete closure, that I felt like a doormat 3 months ago. But I feel like I'm bringing up the past. The fact that she's (very far) away now I can kind of deal with. But I sometimes remember how before this, I was the one who was (kind of) far away and only seeing her weekly, and she had a problem with that. Now the tables are turned and I only get to see her monthly at best, which is worse, but I was okay. I AM okay, but I feel like I want a sign that this is all worth it. A part of me feels like maybe I need to complain just like she did but I don't want to do that, because I know it would add to her burden. But if I don't, I feel like I need a sign.

I feel like she stays with me because right now her conditions are very demanding, and so she goes with someone that's there, and that if things weren't like this what happened before would happen again. As if she would if she had the power to. You know how that feels right? A part of me feels like I want her to show me that she deserves me because all this time I feel like I have been trying to prove to her that I deserve her and that she's only been "tolerating" my faults. And this is just selfish of me and I know that. Should I keep this to myself? I'm afraid that if I bring it up, she'll go the usual "I dont' know what to do anymore, I'm so tired already with college", but if I wait until she isn't tired, she'd ask why I didn't bring it up earlier.

[blackcat777]

First of all: is there a chance any time soon the two of you would not be long distance? Would this change, ever, possibly, or never?

 

It is quite possible she can't handle the distance and wants to pull the plug for that reason, but lacks the guts to do it.

 

The best thing you can do is go NC... and stay NC with her. For real.

 

This does also sound a bit GIGS-ish to me. You can look around the forums for threads about GIGS/grass is greener syndrome... which is basically people breaking off an otherwise good, but early relationship, to explore what else is out there.

 

I don't know if you've been having problems other than the distance that would factor in to this situation.

 

My boyfriend broke it off with me when he moved away to college--but, it was only an hour away. We're still making the commute to see each other, a year after getting back together. I am convinced, however, that we only had a successful reconciliation BECAUSE I stayed NC.

 

If you don't stay NC, she will continue to torment you, pull your chain, and use you as an emotional tampon. She can have her cake and eat it. She'll feel guilty about what she does, but unable to stay away from you completely (from the sounds of your situation).

 

If you DO stay NC, you force her to experience the loss of you completely. You have to give her time to really, really savor the loss of your companionship... I'm talking months. At least 3 months to a year.

 

There is a massively huge chance she will reach out early (6-8 week mark); don't respond. Give her time to reflect.

 

Eventually, she will most likely reach out later, once she begins to actually process the loss of you (since you aren't available whenever she wants... something she's been taking for granted), and will reach out more sincerely.

 

She has been using you for comfort and support. If you disappear, she is forced to face her scary emotions on her own... and will thereby appreciate what your presence added to her life. If you break NC too soon, she realizes she has you on a rope and can make you do whatever she wants. She's back to eating cake again.

 

The way you tried to make time for her sounds overly generous to me. Not that many other people are so generous. She'll realize this, in her dealings with others...

 

It's tricky to navigate the waters when an ex reaches out. It is possible she may decide the distance is unbearable.

 

Your best bet is to stay strict NC for a couple of months, and only when you feel truly ready... like the thought of her holds no power over you anymore (NC will do that with enough time, it's magic )... then you decide how you want to reply, if she does reach out.

 

It wouldn't hurt to send a final communication, if you want, saying you think it's best that the two of you shouldn't speak for a while, because you can't be just friends.

 

Then you hit the gym. You find hobbies. You do you, you stay happy, date yourself, indulge. It will hurt, time will seem to slow and every second will feel like agony... but only for a little. It gets better quickly. And you'll directly experience your inner strength.

 

Good luck.

 

Go NC, though. Seriously. Start today.

Edited November 17, 2015 by blackcat777

[Midelios]

Hi blackcat, thanks for the thorough reply.

 

Yes, if all goes well she would finish college + compulsory internship within around 5 years from now. In the meantime it'll go down to me visiting her, or her coming home during the holidays or extra long weekends.

 

Right now, it really seems like there doesn't seem to be a problem at all (from her side). Or maybe she's too busy to say that she feels like that to me.

I have thought that maybe some space would help me. But I feel like it would be unfair for her if I were to just suddenly without-a-cloud rain down and say "I might need some space. Let's cut things off". She'd ask what was so wrong about all this. Because what really bothered me (the thing with the other guy) happened months ago, but I don't feel like I get closure from that. Now the distance.

 

It isn't the distance so much as it is about the fact that I want her to recognize that I'm still here and how we couldn't say exactly the same when things were the opposite.

I have the urge to just tell her that "look at this babe, things are harder but now it's your circumstances that's causing it (not mine), but I still don't want to go or even ask for your time. But I also really want to see something, a sign that you're a bit grateful, or at least acknowledging the fact that I'm not reacting to this the way you reacted before when things were actually not this dire." Something she always says when we argue a bit due to a mistake that I made is somewhere along the lines of "imagine if what you did, was something that I did to you". I really feel like saying the samething to her sometimes. But that would be selfish, I think. It makes me feel disingenuous for all the times that I've been there for her.

 

If this helps: She is my first real girlfriend (I've only dated once before, in middle school so I don't think that counts) while I'm somewhere between the 17th(?), but none of her boyfriends have lasted this long (for one reason or another. Probably because they were while she was still in school). Might this play a factor in how she/I feel?

And even if I do start this NC phase, how do I say it to her without it feeling like it's out of the blue like this?

 

Thanks for your time and comment. It really helps me to think.

Edited November 18, 2015 by Midelios