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Is it really so bad? (NC question)


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Posted

Ok somebody started a thread asking if they should send their ex a birthday message,, everyone said no. But i was thinking why not? If youve been doing NC and you havent botherd with them in ages, then on their birthday or whatever you just send a little text simply saying "happy birthday" the balls still in your court because you havent been contacting them in ages and you only send a little message, nothing heavy, something youd text anyone. They may text back but then its up to you if you text back. Youve stilll got the upper hand. And if they dont you have to remember it was only a happy birthday, before it would have been everyday claming your endless love for them. What im really akin gis is it so bad if you do NC but make a date for when you are going to send them a quick text, like on birtdays?

 

Not sure if ive made this clear enough :confused: lol

Posted

Well I had said NO in that thread so I will put my reason here,

 

1. As a human if I send a birthday message, I will start expecting a reaction to it and if I don't get that I will think more and more and it won't help me in moving on

 

2. For the sender it might be just a Birthday message , but you never know how the ex is going to take it , may be as something to pester, bother or harass, or trying to get back.

 

3.When someone has become your ex and you are doing NC then it is for some reason, you want to move on and after you move on then you really don't care about your ex. Every day there is Birthday of millions of ppls, and we don't care so NC is for making our ex as one of those billion ppls so this calls for No wish for Birthday.

 

4.NC does mean no contact and if you break contact for any reason then it breaks, there are no riders associated with NC.

 

Well this is a standard tool and you are free to customise it according to the ground reality, but then the fallout will again be your responsibility

Posted

"Getting your ex back is all about games, make sure you score the most points!" ..... soooo wrong!!!!

 

It's not a game. the last thing your ex wants to do is play with you! You're an ex for a reason.

 

This sounds so hard and we have all been there! It sucks!!

 

But just remember those situations when YOU broke up with someone. The one favour your ex could do to you was "leave you in peace". Because with every card your ex receives he must wonder: "oh no, is this starting again?" "what does she/he want now?" "maybe she just remembered those tissues she left in my bedroom and wants them back now".

 

Once you have made it to REAL friendship status with your ex you can start sending cards again. But not before!

 

My fiance still receives the odd text message from girls who are interested in him. He shows them to me, may even send a response back but REALLY doesn't see the point in receiving them!

 

So, send a birthday card to someone who didn't hurt you and DUMP you!

Posted

That would ruin their birthday.

  • Author
Posted

^ No it wouldnt.

 

Youve got to remember it all depends o how and why you split up...

 

It was nothing to do with ME..It was HIS problem..

Posted

Jadey

 

It's my ex's birthday this Sunday. I'm doing NC and haven't spoken to her for 2 weeks (she contacted me)

 

We still have a shared house to sell so I will have to have further contact with her at some point (I moved out 6 weeks ago) She is now in another relationship.

 

I have sent a card as I don't see anything wrong in it. It's a simple card and I just wrote "Happy Birthday" and signed it.

 

I'm not expecting her to acknowledge it, I think she would be suprised if I hadn't sent one.

 

Everybody has different feelings on this I guess it's down to personal choice.

 

Chris

Posted

WHAT PART OF NC DONT YOU UNDERSTAND???

 

Its no contact. If you want to send your ex a bday message do so but be prepared to deal with the repercussion. They might not reply. Your mind will start to wonder - did they get the message? Did it get intercepted by new boyfriend or new girlfriend? Do they hate me that much to not reply? Or maybe they do reply and think that you are over them and you can be friends now when you are really not ready too.

 

The golden rule of no contact is exactly why we call it no contact. YOU DONT CONTACT THEM NO MATTER WHAT.

 

Maybe there should be another term regarding people that do partial contact???

 

I dont mean to sound harsh but it is NO CONTACT FOR A REASON.

Posted

If you send an ex a birthday message, it makes you look desperate and pathetic. Do you want the person who dumped you to have the satisfaction of seeing you looking desperate and pathetic?

Posted
Originally posted by RoxStar

WHAT PART OF NC DONT YOU UNDERSTAND???

 

Its no contact. If you want to send your ex a bday message do so but be prepared to deal with the repercussion. They might not reply. Your mind will start to wonder - did they get the message? Did it get intercepted by new boyfriend or new girlfriend? Do they hate me that much to not reply? Or maybe they do reply and think that you are over them and you can be friends now when you are really not ready too.

 

The golden rule of no contact is exactly why we call it no contact. YOU DONT CONTACT THEM NO MATTER WHAT.

 

Maybe there should be another term regarding people that do partial contact???

 

I dont mean to sound harsh but it is NO CONTACT FOR A REASON.

 

I agree to this even more than Roxstar agrees to it.

Posted

Who cares if you are doing No Contact and you break No Contact. There's no law against breaking it. It is a personal challenge, and if you want to contact someone for whatever reason, then do it. If you can't handle your emotions then get help for it. I've never believed in NC anyways. I use it on a case by case basis.

Posted

If you are truely over someone, then yes, send the text. I think a happy birthday message is not a bad thing, (my ex wouldn't think anything of it). I honestly think if you have been BEGGING your ex back, and then suddenly started NC, and THEN texted them they might get shakey about it. Otherwise, it's all fair game, and how over the person you are.

 

It is only a text, I mean, isn't a birthday card like a text message?

 

Also, it depends on how much of a firm believer you are in the rules regarding NC. lol..

 

sorry I would do it only cuz my ex and I get along really well, and he got me a graduation present.

Posted
Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

Who cares if you are doing No Contact and you break No Contact. There's no law against breaking it. It is a personal challenge, and if you want to contact someone for whatever reason, then do it. If you can't handle your emotions then get help for it. I've never believed in NC anyways. I use it on a case by case basis.

 

No one asks or mandates to do NC, people do it on their volition when they seem to get benefit out of it. It is not binding in any case and if one finds NC is not sacrosanct then one is always welcome to break it.

 

Majority of us on LS does support NC, and ask it to maintain it in any circumstances, cause we have learnt it out of our experiences.

 

LS is all about our personal experience isn't it :)

Posted

lol.. a birthday card is MUCH more expensive thena text message too, if anything, I'd be more pissed about a birthday card then a tex message because the person has to go out, spend money on the card, and then send money for postage (just my thoughts)

  • Author
Posted

I SAID birthday message not card. I dont want full NC. I want less contact. I dont want to be the one that keeps texting him, calling him, smiling at him, blah blah blah. But i do not want to have no contact either. I wanna give him space, and time to actually miss me. He hasnt had that chance yet. It IS a game if you want them back and think you have a chance, which i think i do if i just do the right thing. Which would be NC for a while, then maybe just a quick message. Nothing major. Maybe the first post and title thread was misleading. I didnt really mean NC as such. I know what i mean!..

Posted
Originally posted by Jadey

But i do not want to have no contact either. I wanna give him space, and time to actually miss me. He hasnt had that chance yet. It IS a game if you want them back and think you have a chance, which i think i do if i just do the right thing.

 

Here lies the answer, you take NC as per the motive behind it. You are doing NC for getting back and I am doing NC to forget, so there lies the difference.

Posted

He won't miss you, if all you have to offer is the relationship he walked out of to begin with. Every time you talk, I'm sure he is thinking 'she wants me back and there's nothing I can do about that right now'. Your birthday card will do little but remind him of what he can't give you emotionally. That won't make him miss you, it will make him eventually resent you for being a reminder of how he has failed you. He can't miss you, unless you give him a reason to miss you. Missing someone entails a certain amount of emotional investment on their part that they don't want to give up on.

 

Right now, his emotional investment in you isn't so low that he avoids you - but its only high enough that he tolerates your contact when you go out of your way to contact him. You are giving him all he will tolerate from you right now, so how can he miss it - if he is reminded of it every time you talk? There is only one way to see if he will truly miss what little he has with you, and that is to take it away from him. If he wants it back, he'll let you know. If he doesn't - then you won't hear from him again. I think its the fear of that eventuality that keeps you wanting at least some contact from him: because you know on some level that if you go 'no contact' - he'll simply use that as an opportunity to move on.

 

Its a tough gamble, but one well worth taking. Right now, I don't expect you see any positives in that, but when you move on and find someone who won't make you lower yourself to the point where you will settle for crumbs - you'll see that it was a good thing to move on.

 

Every day you waste wondering if he'll 'miss you' is one more day you are robbing yourself of finding someone who will willingly give you the love and affection you need. Someone who really will miss you when you aren't around.

 

Seriously, though - all the advice in the world won't change the fact that you really have your heart set on giving him a birthday greeting. So, if you do - keep it light and say what you'd say to anyone who was a friend. Something like "Happy Birthday, hope you have a great day. Take care, (your name)".

  • Author
Posted

I get what youre all saying and fully apreciate it,but the thing is everyones situation is different. Different things work for different people ya know? If i truely thught that we had no chance id do NC fully and not bother with him, to move on. But i really believe theres a good chance,the balls in my court right now, and NC isnt right In my situationIn most people it is tho yeah. He needs to realise i am not always going to be there, miss me,and me give him space.But NC is not the way to go here. And i know that. Im gonna do NC for a while when i leave school, but not forever. I know what i gotta do i think.

 

But the question was i just dont see anything wrong in thinking to yourself "im not gonna contact them untill (date)" Then if you dont contact them intill then youve donr really well.And in some cases NC just isnt what is needed!

 

Thanks anyway tho peeps... :love:

Posted

humm. well if you want yor ex back it might be a good decision to give them a bday message. but if you want to get over them forget about it. they did break up with you because they wanted you out of their life i suppose. im not really shure... my ex dumped me, but every time we talked she would bring up my birthday and what i was doing, like she was intrested in hangng out with me. she called me twice, and text messeged me once on my special day. i started the NC just days before. left her wondering...one point for me...

 

i guess it depends on your situation... i would say screw them...they dumped you and made you feel like crap. why should you wish them a happy anthing. wish them a unhappy birthday, be unique.

  • Author
Posted
wish them a unhappy birthday, be unique.

 

Haha!Thats funny :bunny: lol. :laugh:

 

Like i said, every situation is deifferent. NC isnt always the answer.

Posted
Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Right now, his emotional investment in you isn't so low that he avoids you - but its only high enough that he tolerates your contact when you go out of your way to contact him. You are giving him all he will tolerate from you right now, so how can he miss it - if he is reminded of it every time you talk? There is only one way to see if he will truly miss what little he has with you, and that is to take it away from him. If he wants it back, he'll let you know. If he doesn't - then you won't hear from him again. I think its the fear of that eventuality that keeps you wanting at least some contact from him: because you know on some level that if you go 'no contact' - he'll simply use that as an opportunity to move on.

 

This is the part of NC I don't understand. If I broke up with him, and I want him to contact me, and I want to contact him, but we're both playing the NC game, and if we both believe that if the other makes contact then it's "meant to be", then we'll never get back together. Not that I want to get back with him unless major changes will take place, but I do want him to miss me as I miss him, and it would be nice to know he's thinking of me as I'm thinking of him.

 

Maybe I want closure cuz we broke up over the phone (he is working out of province, so it became an LDR kinda). I see other guys because that's what I do to try and get over someone.

 

But I definitely WILL send him a text on his birthday.

Posted

did he broke up or did you broke up? What was the reason? When did it happen? How long had you two been together?

Posted

It was 7 months (3 of it was while I was still living with my husband). I moved out in Jan. Then me and bf started seeing less of each other, if u can believe it! He was busy with work, and then his job took him out of town for four months. He had intended to return every 2 weeks, but after 6 weeks he had no plans of coming back cuz he was too busy "and could see no end in sight".

 

It was getting very hard for me, feeling unimportant and lonesome, so I ended it. There's more to the story if you follow my posts. I ended it 2 weeks ago. Emailed him after 1 week, and textd him last wknd. I'm not sure if he's got them cuz some of the work is in remote places. But I used to see him or his coworker on msn almost every night and have not seen them since, so thinkin maybe he smashed the puter or something crazy.

 

I think he may have been a bit insecure about the relationship. One of the reasons he gave for not introducing me to his friends/family yet was that he didn't want them asking "where's so-n-so?" if we had broken up. Well, maybe he was right.

Posted
Originally posted by greenhorn

I agree to this even more than Roxstar agrees to it.

 

GreenHorn has read my posts but I am two weeks NC now and no its not for everyone and the point of NC is not to make the person miss you so they will come back. The point of NC is to move on. Move forward. Get over it.

Posted
Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

He won't miss you, if all you have to offer is the relationship he walked out of to begin with. Every time you talk, I'm sure he is thinking 'she wants me back and there's nothing I can do about that right now'. Your birthday card will do little but remind him of what he can't give you emotionally. That won't make him miss you, it will make him eventually resent you for being a reminder of how he has failed you. He can't miss you, unless you give him a reason to miss you. Missing someone entails a certain amount of emotional investment on their part that they don't want to give up on.

 

Right now, his emotional investment in you isn't so low that he avoids you - but its only high enough that he tolerates your contact when you go out of your way to contact him. You are giving him all he will tolerate from you right now, so how can he miss it - if he is reminded of it every time you talk? There is only one way to see if he will truly miss what little he has with you, and that is to take it away from him. If he wants it back, he'll let you know. If he doesn't - then you won't hear from him again. I think its the fear of that eventuality that keeps you wanting at least some contact from him: because you know on some level that if you go 'no contact' - he'll simply use that as an opportunity to move on.

 

Its a tough gamble, but one well worth taking. Right now, I don't expect you see any positives in that, but when you move on and find someone who won't make you lower yourself to the point where you will settle for crumbs - you'll see that it was a good thing to move on.

 

Every day you waste wondering if he'll 'miss you' is one more day you are robbing yourself of finding someone who will willingly give you the love and affection you need. Someone who really will miss you when you aren't around.

 

Seriously, though - all the advice in the world won't change the fact that you really have your heart set on giving him a birthday greeting. So, if you do - keep it light and say what you'd say to anyone who was a friend. Something like "Happy Birthday, hope you have a great day. Take care, (your name)".

 

LB, You're brillant :love: Always give the best words of wisdom...

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