Redfisher Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 No, our first date was simple. We went to a local Mexican seafood place and had a few drinks, ate and talked for about 3 hours. Second date we went to dinner at a nice Italian place, I booked us a suite at the theater to see Phantom of the Opera, and I took her home and gave her a small kiss on the lips, and a hug. She began texting me on the way home how great she thought the night was. Once again, I usually didn't instigate the contact, she did. I did occasionally, but it was always received well by her. Third date was the next night, super fancy seafood place, bottle of wine, and SHE wanted to go home for sex. I tried to slow it down, and she sped it up. Thanks for explaining, It's all part of the puzzle....
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 You have only been interacting for two weeks.. that's really not nearly enough time to know what a person is like/how they interact with people. It takes months to learn that. Lots of people can be very full on for patches and then suddenly need space. And you're dating - it's not as though she is your best friend that you've known for years - people that are dating can be a bit flakey or play games as their emotions come and go. Perhaps she went out with her friends and they all lectured her for moving too quickly with you, maybe her phone was dead or was on silent and it had become wedged in the couch and she forgot because she was tired and hungover. There are ENDLESS possibilities for why a person hasn't responded to a text message for ONE day. My guess is that the more you texted/called, the less she wanted to reply and then you continued badgering her which made her nervous and eventually snap. Again, it's very important in dating to build a steady foundation that's based on more than just fun and lovely dates. While those are really important, you can't truly know someone within a few weeks, you should still be expecting that just about anything could happen. To know someone you need time, and you need real life. Not fancy dates. You learn about people in situations such as this one, or in conflicts or when obstacles arise. Not when everyone is on their best behaviour at a fancy occasion. Oh, I completely see that now. I really do. I overreacted. I guess its part of the whole story, just swept up and not thinking clearly.
katiegrl Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I completely agree now. In the moment Saturday, I had a lot going on and probably didn't make the right decision. I see that now, but I can only be honest, I cant take it back. I really meant nothing by it. I am not an obsessive person by nature, but I am protective, it is just who I am I guess. If you and I go from texting every couple of hours at the least, and usually every few minutes for weeks, and then one day I just completely drop off the radar for a day, even after I told you I'd talk to you in the morning. I would think you may be a little concerned, no? Maybe I watch too much crime TV. So I just sent her a level setting email, and that will be the last time I say anything to her until she decides to contact me, should she decide that. I basically told her that yes, we both got out of control, but that I wanted to just rewind and take it slow from here on out. She is free to respond or not. I am not going to be contacting her again if I do not hear from her. We all get anxious. That is normal and understandable, especially in the early stages of dating. However, if you don't want to scare the other person off... it's important to contain your anxiety. So lesson learned for next time. You are going to get anxious, but that doesn't mean you have to act on it. Do yoga, go for a run, something to alleviate your anxiety.... otherwise, like said, you take the chance of scaring the other person off. 2
kismetkismet Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I completely agree now. In the moment Saturday, I had a lot going on and probably didn't make the right decision. I see that now, but I can only be honest, I cant take it back. I really meant nothing by it. I am not an obsessive person by nature, but I am protective, it is just who I am I guess. If you and I go from texting every couple of hours at the least, and usually every few minutes for weeks, and then one day I just completely drop off the radar for a day, even after I told you I'd talk to you in the morning. I would think you may be a little concerned, no? Maybe I watch too much crime TV. So I just sent her a level setting email, and that will be the last time I say anything to her until she decides to contact me, should she decide that. I basically told her that yes, we both got out of control, but that I wanted to just rewind and take it slow from here on out. She is free to respond or not. I am not going to be contacting her again if I do not hear from her. (sorry we both posted at the same time above) But that's great. I think that yes it's definitely all you can do to move forward. Just put it out there that you're interested, got carried away because you were having such a lovely time with her, then give her some space to decide whether she wants to give you another chance. It's totally possible that she will, but i think it's really important to reel it in a bit if that does end up being the case. Remember that you barely know each other at all, no matter what you feel, and that anything can happen. Enjoy the butterflies and such, but don't let them make your decisions for you. 1
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 (sorry we both posted at the same time above) But that's great. I think that yes it's definitely all you can do to move forward. Just put it out there that you're interested, got carried away because you were having such a lovely time with her, then give her some space to decide whether she wants to give you another chance. It's totally possible that she will, but i think it's really important to reel it in a bit if that does end up being the case. Remember that you barely know each other at all, no matter what you feel, and that anything can happen. Enjoy the butterflies and such, but don't let them make your decisions for you. Thank you. I really hope I didn't end up ruining this one, but fully understand that I may have. Such a shame too, she's a really special lady.
kismetkismet Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Thank you. I really hope I didn't end up ruining this one, but fully understand that I may have. Such a shame too, she's a really special lady. I hope so for your sake as well! Hopefully she will focus on the fun that you did have together and give you another chance. All you can do is hope. If not, dating is all a learning process so you'll have a good reference for next time! Sometimes it's hard to really take people's advice until you've experienced something like it yourself.
Maggie4 Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 yup, others have said what I was gonna say. and for me, I would have freaked out too if the guy drives by my house just because I did not reply to his calls. It makes you appear controlling. I hope you don't do the hot/cold, cos the cold is just another form of hot. Pattern I've seen with some men: first it's full on and all that, then we hit a snag, and the next thing I know, I get an email saying "contact me if you want, anyway it's been nice knowing you", and he disappears. Too dramatic. Of course when he starts talking final goodbyes, I let him go, just as he predicted. OP, you have to just be yourself and there is no need to apologize too much. Who is to say her way is better than yours? She has to get used to your way too. If a guy did that to me (the drive by) I'd be freaked out, but I'd have more respect for him if he stands by his protective/controlling ways, instead of saying he will change (which doesn't happen anyway). You sound like a good guy, she told you she'll get in touch, right?
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 yup, others have said what I was gonna say. and for me, I would have freaked out too if the guy drives by my house just because I did not reply to his calls. It makes you appear controlling. I hope you don't do the hot/cold, cos the cold is just another form of hot. Pattern I've seen with some men: first it's full on and all that, then we hit a snag, and the next thing I know, I get an email saying "contact me if you want, anyway it's been nice knowing you", and he disappears. Too dramatic. Of course when he starts talking final goodbyes, I let him go, just as he predicted. OP, you have to just be yourself and there is no need to apologize too much. Who is to say her way is better than yours? She has to get used to your way too. If a guy did that to me (the drive by) I'd be freaked out, but I'd have more respect for him if he stands by his protective/controlling ways, instead of saying he will change (which doesn't happen anyway). You sound like a good guy, she told you she'll get in touch, right? She did say that, yes. Hopefully she will. Hindsight, the drive by was probably overreaction, but it is what it is. Had nothing to do with control and everything to do with looking out for a friend. Bad move none the less.
Maggie4 Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 Hindsight, the drive by was probably overreaction, but it is what it is. There you go. That has to be good enough.
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 I have another question for you guys. The Thursday before all of this happened, we both talked about deleting our online dating profiles. I had one on Tinder and POF. I did it that Friday, and I think she deleted her Tinder profile this weekend (it was removed from my list) and my friend searched for her and didn't see her on his. So now what? Are we still supposed to be exclusive? Are we supposed to be dating still? I'm so lost here, this just sucks...
Jejangles Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 I have another question for you guys. The Thursday before all of this happened, we both talked about deleting our online dating profiles. I had one on Tinder and POF. I did it that Friday, and I think she deleted her Tinder profile this weekend (it was removed from my list) and my friend searched for her and didn't see her on his. So now what? Are we still supposed to be exclusive? Are we supposed to be dating still? I'm so lost here, this just sucks... I would just sit tight. It's not going to kill you to stay offline for a week or two while you figure things out with her. If she is still even somewhat interested, seeing you back on Tinder / POF would probably turn her off even more. I agree with everyone else, don't send flowers and don't contact her for at least a week. You likely freaked her out with your intensity on Saturday so space is the best thing you can give her. In future, check yourself when you find your anxiety escalating over someone you have known such a short time. She is a grown woman who has survived for 33 years so far, she is more than likely fine even if she is not responding to you. And even if she were not fine, her family and close friends would be the ones to deal with it at this point, not you. You overstepped the boundaries after such a short time of dating. 1
Maggie4 Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 I think you're still exclusive until she says otherwise. Maybe she's one of those who needs down time, and you have to leave her alone until she comes out of her shell. 1
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 So if she doesn't contact me, as she said she would, am I supposed to just accept that and move on? Should I reach out to her on Sunday if I hadn't heard from her all weekend? I guess I am just having a hard time with this one. I have never had something go so good, and then completely shift 180 overnight. It is really hard for me to wrap my head around. I was stupid to even get so wrapped up in this girl I guess, but now that I am, I feel completely blind sided. We went from her practically saying I love you, one night, to completely shut out of each others life the next morning...how does that happen? Arggh, its making me crazy...lol I feel like such a fool. Im usually not like this at all.
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 I guess I know the answer to that...I should probably just move on right now, and if she comes back it is a bonus. I just don't do well with unresolved issues floating out there. Im not sure why, it just kind of peaks my anxiety a lot. I also kind of feel like she at least owes me some closure after everything I did for her and everything we shared with each other. At least something...what went wrong and why?
Maggie4 Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 You know how when you over reacted and went to her house? And in hindsight, you should have taken control of your anxiety? Do that now. See what happens this weekend. I know this can be aggravating. I went through something similar with a Scorpio man (they are notorious for doing some kind of hiding thing to recharge or something). He would come back like nothing happened. This may not be the case for you, but until things unfold, the process of dealing with the anxiety is the same. You have to calm yourself and be positive. 2
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 You know how when you over reacted and went to her house? And in hindsight, you should have taken control of your anxiety? Do that now. See what happens this weekend. I know this can be aggravating. I went through something similar with a Scorpio man (they are notorious for doing some kind of hiding thing to recharge or something). He would come back like nothing happened. This may not be the case for you, but until things unfold, the process of dealing with the anxiety is the same. You have to calm yourself and be positive. Thanks Maggie, I appreciate the feedback and advice.
myothernic2 Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Thanks Maggie, I appreciate the feedback and advice. I disagree with everyone else. I don't think that what you did was THAT bad and I would have started to worry too if every single thing else had been consistent. If nothing happened that you are unaware of, why didn't she answer you in the first place? I can see the first time, maybe she was busy but ALL day to the point that she couldn't say, I can't do dinner, ttyl? You sent this text before even driving over "I text her and let her know I was a little concerned about her, and if she was just busy to let me know so I can know she is ok." She STILL didn't answer. People are really believing she was completely absolutely turned off and disgusted because you text her, waited, called, waited? Don't believe it. She was ignoring you before you even drove over to her house for SOME reason. I don't think it was because of you, I think something else happened.
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 (edited) I disagree with everyone else. I don't think that what you did was THAT bad and I would have started to worry too if every single thing else had been consistent. If nothing happened that you are unaware of, why didn't she answer you in the first place? I can see the first time, maybe she was busy but ALL day to the point that she couldn't say, I can't do dinner, ttyl? You sent this text before even driving over "I text her and let her know I was a little concerned about her, and if she was just busy to let me know so I can know she is ok." She STILL didn't answer. People are really believing she was completely absolutely turned off and disgusted because you text her, waited, called, waited? Don't believe it. She was ignoring you before you even drove over to her house for SOME reason. I don't think it was because of you, I think something else happened. This is exactly what I thought. We went from practically saying I love you late Friday night to her completely ignoring me Saturday. No explanation whatsoever. While yes, it may not have been my place to drive over and check on her, the fact is it was completely out of the ordinary for her, and it did worry me. I gave her at least 3 opportunities to just let me know if she was ok so I could leave her alone, and she never did. The last thing I sent her was "Hey I am really kind of worried about you, it is not like you to not at least say Hi at somepoint throughout the day. I am considering driving over to make sure you are OK. If you are, please let me know so I can leave you alone and get back to work." She never said a thing, she says she never looked at her phone all day. I find that hard to believe based on the past two weeks, but maybe so... Either way, I still really don't understand what is going on. We went from her telling me she absolutely adores me, thinks im cute, I am the best guy she has ever met, crazy with me in bed, wanting me over to watch movies, etc., to complete silence... I really hope, even if she doesn't want to see me anymore, she at least can give me an explanation and some closure. Edited November 19, 2015 by WhirlwindGuy
lilmissjava Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Either way, I still really don't understand what is going on. We went from her telling me she absolutely adores me, thinks im cute, I am the best guy she has ever met, crazy with me in bed, wanting me over to watch movies, etc., to complete silence... I really hope, even if she doesn't want to see me anymore, she at least can give me an explanation and some closure. It was a couple of weeks. Not several months or years. She doesn't owe you anything. Can you consider that you probably weren't the only guy on her radar?
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 It was a couple of weeks. Not several months or years. She doesn't owe you anything. Can you consider that you probably weren't the only guy on her radar? Oh I agree, she doesn't OWE me a thing. I do think, based on where we left it, it would be a courteous thing to do, if even half of what she told me last week was true. If I were in her position, I would absolutely feel obligated to at least be open about what happened, but perhaps I am the odd ball here. Maybe this is just dating life... I have considered she is seeing someone else. That is totally fine though. All I asked from the beginning is that we be open with each other about that stuff. She made it sound like she was absolutely not going to be dating any time soon, she deleted her Tinder profile, I deleted mine..etc. But...once again, maybe this is dating world, where everyone is full of sh*t and just running game...if so, that really sucks. I'm not sure I am cut out for that.
losangelena Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 This is exactly what I thought. We went from practically saying I love you late Friday night to her completely ignoring me Saturday. No explanation whatsoever. While yes, it may not have been my place to drive over and check on her, the fact is it was completely out of the ordinary for her, and it did worry me. I gave her at least 3 opportunities to just let me know if she was ok so I could leave her alone, and she never did. The last thing I sent her was "Hey I am really kind of worried about you, it is not like you to not at least say Hi at somepoint throughout the day. I am considering driving over to make sure you are OK. If you are, please let me know so I can leave you alone and get back to work." She never said a thing, she says she never looked at her phone all day. I find that hard to believe based on the past two weeks, but maybe so... Either way, I still really don't understand what is going on. We went from her telling me she absolutely adores me, thinks im cute, I am the best guy she has ever met, crazy with me in bed, wanting me over to watch movies, etc., to complete silence... I really hope, even if she doesn't want to see me anymore, she at least can give me an explanation and some closure. Do you think that the intensity of it all freaked her out a bit? Years ago, I met a guy and we were all over each other in the first few weeks, with telling each other how great the other was and how it was all we ever wanted, etc. I mean, kind of like you, where we were circling around saying "I love you" after only a few weeks. I remember the morning after that phone call, and it felt like I was hungover or something. Her behavior doesn't sound all that strange to me. Not that it's an ideal way to behave my any means, but I don't think it's uncommon to catch your breath in these situations and kind of go, "wtf, what am I doing?"
losangelena Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I would also say that true, honest explanations are hard to come by. Even if she came to you and vocalized why she wants to pull back, would there be anything she could say that would sound remotely satisfying? Here are some of her possible explanations: A) and ex came back/there's someone else B) she's not "feeling it" all of a sudden C) she's freaked out Do any of those sound reasonable/good to you? That would just open up a whole other can of worms and I don't think you'd feel any better about things in the end. Another anecdote from my world: the first time I had sex, it was on a second date with a guy I barely knew. I had always assumed that the first time I had sex it would be within the context of a well-established, loving relationship—I had no intention of jumping into bed with anyone—yet there I was. I was so freaked out by my OWN behavior, that when he reached out again a couple of days later, I never responded. I NEVER responded. Awful, right? I mean, maybe this guy would have turned out to be disingenuous or a player, I'll never know, but can you imagine? He was probably left wondering if I thought he was bad in bed (I didn't). I readily admit it was an awful thing to do, but it happened. I did not know how to explain to him, "you were my first, and can't believe I did that, and my entire opinion of myself has totally changed." It was too much! So I just disappeared. Again, I know you want some kind of clarity, but I would not bank on getting it at this point. 2
Redfisher Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Do you think that the intensity of it all freaked her out a bit? Years ago, I met a guy and we were all over each other in the first few weeks, with telling each other how great the other was and how it was all we ever wanted, etc. I mean, kind of like you, where we were circling around saying "I love you" after only a few weeks. I remember the morning after that phone call, and it felt like I was hungover or something. Her behavior doesn't sound all that strange to me. Not that it's an ideal way to behave my any means, but I don't think it's uncommon to catch your breath in these situations and kind of go, "wtf, what am I doing?" I would bet like 90% of my doh on this....Seems right.
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 Do you think that the intensity of it all freaked her out a bit? Years ago, I met a guy and we were all over each other in the first few weeks, with telling each other how great the other was and how it was all we ever wanted, etc. I mean, kind of like you, where we were circling around saying "I love you" after only a few weeks. I remember the morning after that phone call, and it felt like I was hungover or something. Her behavior doesn't sound all that strange to me. Not that it's an ideal way to behave my any means, but I don't think it's uncommon to catch your breath in these situations and kind of go, "wtf, what am I doing?" So in your opinion, as a woman, is this something a woman eventually returns from and continues a relationship, or is this thing dead in the water? I just feel like it would be such a shame...she told me how long she has been dating, how many ****ty dates she has been on, how bad she had been treated at previous times that she did feel like it may go further than dating, and how she was just tired by it all. She seemed so grateful to have finally met a potential partner. Do you think there is any shot this resolves? I'm feeling pretty dejected by it all at this point. And I agree, I guess there is nothing she could really say to make it better except, hey I had some time to decompress and I would like to continue to see you, albeit maybe at a slower pace and let things develop over time. That is probably asking too much, but I guess I still hope it may happen.
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 Our last two texts to each other were me saying "I will give you the space you need, but if you decide along the way that this isn't going to work out for you, I would appreciate it if you let me know...Im truly sorry, I never intended it to be like this" her replying "I know you didn't. I'm sorry too. I'm just taking a step back, but I will be upfront with you."
Recommended Posts