WhirlwindGuy Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I finally had my first Tinder date a couple of weeks ago. Up until that point, I hadn't really done much with Tinder. I matched with a few people, but never really pursued it. This girl seemed different so I decided to see if I was right. We went out, had dinner and completely hit it off. We were just a good match from the outset. She felt the connection, I felt the connection. We agreed to go out again a few days later. Our second date was absolutely perfect. There were sparks all over the place from both of us, we ended the date with me dropping her off and a nice short kiss and hug. I was in heaven and really felt like I was falling for this girl. There was just something there. The next day we text on and off all day, she telling me how much fun she had, and how nice I was, me talking to her about things and returning the compliments. Late in the day I asked her if she would like to go to dinner that night, she agreed. We went out to a really nice sea food place and had another great date. Things just went very well. After dinner she asked what I wanted to do. I offered to go to a local lounge and continue talking, or that we could go somewhere more private if she wanted. She opted to go to her apartment and continue talking. Well the talking led to embracing, the embracing led to making out, and the making out eventually lead to sex. I ended up spending the night with her and it was an amazing night. Throughout that next week we text and chatted almost all the time all day, going out or spending the night with each other in the evenings. Every conversation was positive. Her asking me questions about me, telling me how much she liked me and liked seeing me, me doing the same. It was truly the best week and a half I have had in a really long time. I probably spend around $1000 dollars over the course of those two weeks on dinners, flowers, chocolates, etc. I fell very hard for this girl, and it appeared she had fallen for me too. The last time I saw her was the morning of 13 Nov, Friday. We woke up together, she cuddled with me, and proclaimed how amazing it was to wake up next to me in the morning and how great of a guy I was. We got up, got dressed went to work. We text off and on Friday while we were working. I was going to be busy all that weekend, so we were talking about seeing each other next week (this week). She was going out Friday night with her girlfriends, I told her to have fun. She called me Friday night after she got home, we chatted a bit, laughed, and went to bed. Saturday morning I text her and let her know I may have a break in the late afternoon if she wanted to sneak away and get some dinner, and to give me a call. Around 2pm I hadn't heard from her, which is out of the ordinary for us so I called her. No answer. Around 430 pm I still hadn't heard from her and was honestly getting a bit concerned for her safety. She is a single girl living alone. I text her and let her know I was a little concerned about her, and if she was just busy to let me know so I can know she is ok. Still nothing. Around 6pm I still hadn't heard from her. I called her and let her know that I was worried something had happened to her and that I was going to drive by her apartment to make sure someone hadn't broke in, or she was hurt. No response. Around 7 I drove by and everything looked in order, her car was in the spot, etc. So I left. As I left she text me..."where are you??" I said wow, are you ok? She said yes...I told her I was kind of concerned, she dropped off the map, which was unlike her, so I thought maybe something had happened. She then told me, "Ok, this is too much, I don't think this is going to work for me" The rest of that evening and into Sunday she told me that she thought I was an amazing guy, I did everything right, I made her feel special, made her feel loved and treated her amazingly, but that it was all too much too fast for her, she feels like she is losing grip of who she is and that we move on two different schedules. I told her I was just moving at the pace I felt we both set, but that yes it was a pretty fast pace. I told her we both had a strong connection and kind of got swept up in it, but that I would be more than happy to slow it down if that is what she wanted. She didn't respond for a while. I then told her I needed to get a couple of questions answered because I was completely lost here. We went from warm, fun, butterflies early relationship stuff to now she barely speaks to me over night. What happened? Is she done with me? Does she need a break? How did I go wrong. She told me she didn't think I did anything wrong, but that she felt like she needed to regroup and get her thoughts back together. I told her that I hope she understood where my anxiety and stress had come from in that she went from completely hot to ice cold over night with no explanation. I asked how long that would take, she said she would text me next weekend. So now, the best couple of weeks in my dating life has now turned into a really confusing, lonely week. I am not sure what to even think. How to act. What happened? I have never had this happen before. I am trying to avoid contacting her, but I honestly miss her a lot and want to at least know what is going on, how she is feeling. Are we done? I considered sending her flowers to work today, just to let her know I still care about her and am thinking about her, but I don't know if that would have a negative impression or not. I just feel completely deflated and it has completely destroyed my confidence. Will she come back? I noticed she had deleted her Tinder profile on Monday, so I don't think she is dating, or trying to date anyone else. Im just lost... Any advice?
Redfisher Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Dropping over a grand on the first week and a half...bad move dude. Falling in love in a week...careless....Now that's out of the way you sound like a nice guy and I'm sure she is telling the truth about it being too fast. Don't bug her, Give her the time she needs to think...If its meant to be she will fall and fall hard for you. Good luck man. 7
VeveCakes Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 It annoys me when people are just as much part of the "moving fast" thing then freak out and complain things are moving too fast. Takes two to Tango. My guess is she met someone else or is back interested in an old flame. I would leave the ball in her court. If she's interested she will reach out. 2
smackie9 Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I'm gonna go with back with the ex like so many dumb dumbs do. I agree with Redfisher....you never blow high dough on a girl like that you have only known for two weeks.....that's insanity. 1
lilmissjava Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 She pulled her head out of the clouds and saw how fast things were moving. You should do the same. I think you need to step back and see for yourself exactly how fast things moved. It's right there in your post. 2
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 Oh, I completely agree things moved very fast. That said, she was just as fast as I was. In fact, at some point along the way she talked to me about sex and told me that she would prefer it if we held back the sex for a while so we could get to know each other as friends first. I was totally ok with that. Sex is great, but that will come with time, I wasn't in a hurry for it. She is the one who instigated our first. Later that night, as we lay there, she was laying on the couch on my lap, t shirt and underwear. She looked up at me, grabbed my hand and put it between her legs. I went with it a second, and then kind of stopped and told her that I am trying to respect her decision earlier, but this makes it pretty difficult. She said who cares, jumped up straddled me, and it was on. How am I supposed to react to that? That was the environment for two weeks. Completely mixed messages. Then this. It is tough to digest I guess. I know, I definitely fell too hard for this girl, went all in way too fast. I don't even give a **** about the money, that was for both of us to enjoy, im just not sure where to go with it now. My heart says chase her, call her, don't let up. I know that that is probably the opposite of what to do, so my head says detach, do your thing, let her call you (if she ever does). It has been a struggle between the two all day. I've considered ordering her flowers today to have them delivered to her at work. Im debating if that would have an adverse affect or not. uggh....women
xUnknown Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Do NOT send her flowers. Do not contact her... wait for her to contact you. You may never hear from her again, but don't reach out. The more you reach out, the more you push her away. Give her space and time. 4
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 It annoys me when people are just as much part of the "moving fast" thing then freak out and complain things are moving too fast. Takes two to Tango. My guess is she met someone else or is back interested in an old flame. I would leave the ball in her court. If she's interested she will reach out. She has been single her whole life, she is 33, only been in 3 serious relationships. One was an engagement that ended when she found out he had been cheating, one was a guy who got really involved with her, really fast, and then took a job out of state and never came back. I am not sure about the third. She said she is sick of dating, and confessed that she almost canceled on me for our first date because she was just tired of first dates. So I don't really think she has gone back to anyone, or that she is going back out to date again. I could be completely wrong obviously, but it wouldn't fit with what she said.
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 Could she have just used you for sex? Im not sure, but if she was, why not still use me? lol I will say she was amazing in bed. I have never been with a girl like her. She would have 4 to 6 orgasms every time we had sex. A couple during 4 play, and a few more during intercourse. And not just short, make a noise and move on orgasms, these were completely body rocking, arching back, moaning, wet, orgasms...to the point that after the last BIG one, she would nearly pass out. Sex was pretty damn awesome, for her at least, I was just trying to keep up...
GemmaUK Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Oh, I completely agree things moved very fast. That said, she was just as fast as I was. Did she spend $1000 on you in that time too then? Wow! If she did or she spent around say half that on you then fair play and you both moved at the same pace. If she didn't then..you two were not moving at the same pace. Plus the way you said 'give me a call' kind of meant she should if she was free too - maybe she wasn't free all day. Was she consistently texting and on her phone when you two had your dates?
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 (edited) Did she spend $1000 on you in that time too then? Wow! If she did or she spent around say half that on you then fair play and you both moved at the same pace. If she didn't then..you two were not moving at the same pace. Plus the way you said 'give me a call' kind of meant she should if she was free too - maybe she wasn't free all day. Was she consistently texting and on her phone when you two had your dates? No, she didn't spend anything. I guess I am traditional, but I like to take care of a woman that I am courting. I can't say I usually spend $1000 in a couple of weeks, but $100 to $200 dinners are not uncommon (wine is expensive). $25 dollar flowers a few times, $50 dollar chocolates, all of that stuff adds up. I wouldn't expect her to pay for anything early on. She did initiate everything physical, tell me how much she really liked me consistently, invite me over to stay a couple of times. All of that, which to me, is moving faster than she now says she wants to move. I get what you are saying about the "give me a call" thing. Thing is, up to that point, she had been regularly texting me all day here and there, just general chatting throughout the day. Very warm, flirty, fun texts. Usually called me after work and we would talk for a bit, or I would head over and we would talk for a while. The night before, the last thing we said was that I would talk to her in the morning if I could get some free time to take her out. When I didn't hear from her all day, that kind of worried me a bit. It was out of the ordinary for her, and I probably overreacted. She lives around a bunch of creepy guys, she even told me that she doesn't feel comfortable around her neighbor, that he kind of scares her. I was truly concerned for her safety when I hadn't heard from her all day. On our dates, she was never on her phone. A couple of times when I stayed over, she would text with her "group text" friends that she had. She would sneak pictures of me and send them to her friends, and then they would commiserate on me. She told me that they all encouraged her to go with it, that I was a great guy, etc. That didn't happen often though. Edited November 17, 2015 by WhirlwindGuy
Radarsat Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 No, she didn't spend anything. I guess I am traditional, but I like to take care of a woman that I am courting. I can't say I usually spend $1000 in a couple of weeks, but $100 to $200 dinners are not uncommon (wine is expensive). $25 dollar flowers a few times, $50 dollar chocolates, all of that stuff adds up. I wouldn't expect her to pay for anything early on. She did initiate everything physical, tell me how much she really liked me consistently, invite me over to stay a couple of times. All of that, which to me, is moving faster than she now says she wants to move. I get what you are saying about the "give me a call" thing. Thing is, up to that point, she had been regularly texting me all day here and there, just general chatting throughout the day. Very warm, flirty, fun texts. Usually called me after work and we would talk for a bit, or I would head over and we would talk for a while. The night before, the last thing we said was that I would talk to her in the morning if I could get some free time to take her out. When I didn't hear from her all day, that kind of worried me a bit. It was out of the ordinary for her, and I probably overreacted. She lives around a bunch of creepy guys, she even told me that she doesn't feel comfortable around her neighbor, that he kind of scares her. I was truly concerned for her safety when I hadn't heard from her all day. On our dates, she was never on her phone. A couple of times when I stayed over, she would text with her "group text" friends that she had. She would sneak pictures of me and send them to her friends, and then they would commiserate on me. She told me that they all encouraged her to go with it, that I was a great guy, etc. That didn't happen often though. I'm in an eerily similar situation dude and I feel for you. One thing I can say is that by pulling back, if she is into you , just watch...she'll reach out. Talking with three different female friends the last few days, they tell me, "yeah, we'll do that. We'll just drop you for a while because we enjoy the chase and your not making us work for it". Brutal. Totally immature, and I'm not saying all women do this, but it sounds like you may have one of them in your life right now. Pull back and let her smarten up...if she does at all. Good luck dude.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 First, as others have said, do not send her flowers. That would be an unwise move. She may have been a bit put off by you telling her you were going to drive by her apartment. Even though you were well-intentioned, that may have come off as rather too much. Something like that could be misinterpreted as "checking up" on her and too invasive, know what I mean? I realize you didn't mean it that way. But in the future, don't do that. You barely know her and honestly, if something had happened to her, friends/family/coworkers would likely have discovered this first anyway. Only a few hours had passed without a reply so I don't think that was cause for panic. Perhaps she was with someone else in her apartment and felt defensive when you actually drove around. Do as she has requested an give her space. I don't think you necessarily did anything wrong, and her change of heart could be for any number of reasons. Keep in mind that you did meet on Tinder, and it is likely she's met/is meeting other men there too. That could be part of this. 2
GunslingerRoland Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I know some people in here are saying that you both equally moved too fast. But you were the one showering her with gifts all the time (like you said, she didn't spend a penny on you). Sounds like you were the one inviting her on fancy dates, you were the one who stalked her completely when she didn't get back to you for a couple of hours. You sound very intense like you're trying to make the first year of the relationship happen in the first month. She's clearly telling you that you need to slow things down, stop with the flowers and everything. Flowers and chocolates and romantic gestures are special because you don't do them for someone every week. If you do, it kinda loses it's meaning and it really sounds like you're trying to buy love.
Redfisher Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I know some people in here are saying that you both equally moved too fast. But you were the one showering her with gifts all the time (like you said, she didn't spend a penny on you). Sounds like you were the one inviting her on fancy dates, you were the one who stalked her completely when she didn't get back to you for a couple of hours. You sound very intense like you're trying to make the first year of the relationship happen in the first month. She's clearly telling you that you need to slow things down, stop with the flowers and everything. Flowers and chocolates and romantic gestures are special because you don't do them for someone every week. If you do, it kinda loses it's meaning and it really sounds like you're trying to buy love. Did she put out before you spent all the doh? No offence just wondering.
losangelena Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Did she put out before you spent all the doh? No offence just wondering. Wow. You know, back in the olden days, when women didn't work and men had to pay for all the dates, he often had to marry the woman before she put out. That seems like a much bigger investment than $1,000. A thousand dollars, by the way, that no one put a gun to OP's head to spend. For the record, they slept together on date two.
Redfisher Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Wow. You know, back in the olden days, when women didn't work and men had to pay for all the dates, he often had to marry the woman before she put out. That seems like a much bigger investment than $1,000. A thousand dollars, by the way, that no one put a gun to OP's head to spend. For the record, they slept together on date two. Don't miss read my post.... I was referring to the guys statement that it seemed like spending all that money somehow could look like buying sex or expecting it...so asking that would put that to rest.
katiegrl Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 (edited) It sounds to me like she was very into you, however your incessant calling and texting when she didn't jump like a puppy and respond back that Saturday after your Friday night date... completely turned her OFF. Frankly, it would have turned me off too.... no matter how into a guy I was initially.... It was too much! She probably felt completely suffocated by that. So IMO you did do something wrong, by calling and texting so many times. You should have just called once, and then waited for her to get back... You came across as obsessive. Clearly she was irritated and became turned off. I agree with the others, back off and wait for her to come to you. DO NOT send flowers or otherwise chase her! That is what pushed her away in the first place! Giving her space is your only saving grace here. Perhaps she will miss you and get back in touch and you can start over.... if she does... slow down and stop acting obsessive if you don't hear back from her for awhile. Edited November 17, 2015 by katiegrl 5
GemmaUK Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 OK, so the money thing is a normal thing for you Be aware though that some women may get carried away by that but actually not like it that much. I've known many women friends who have felt obliged to have sex because a man bought them dinner. I've never done that myself. No man has ever paid for a date for me. I would suggest maybe waiting a bit next time and invest more in feelings once it's earned. Also, radio silence for a day or so doesn't warrant panic for someone's health and safety. If they aren't replying leave them be.
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 I know some people in here are saying that you both equally moved too fast. But you were the one showering her with gifts all the time (like you said, she didn't spend a penny on you). Sounds like you were the one inviting her on fancy dates, you were the one who stalked her completely when she didn't get back to you for a couple of hours. You sound very intense like you're trying to make the first year of the relationship happen in the first month. She's clearly telling you that you need to slow things down, stop with the flowers and everything. Flowers and chocolates and romantic gestures are special because you don't do them for someone every week. If you do, it kinda loses it's meaning and it really sounds like you're trying to buy love. I agree with most everything you said. I do want to point out though, that it wasn't a couple of hours, it was all day, into the night...I know it was probably overreaction, but if that is not how we normally interact, and comes out of the blue, to me it tells me something is wrong. I gave her a few opportunities to just let me know she was OK, and I would leave her alone for the day. I was really busy, we were in the middle of shooting a movie and I had a million things going on, I didn't take the decision o drop everything and go check on her lightly...I only did it once I thought I had exhausted all other options. I would do that for any friend, especially a female I know lives alone.
kismetkismet Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Honestly I think it comes down to how you reacted on saturday.. that behaviour, incessant calling, texting, driving by her house... that's VERY intense and unnecessary. You have only known her a couple of weeks so you don't know her general behaviour or communication style enough to 'know' that something might be wrong when she doesn't respond straight away. Personally I would be very frightened off by that, and that coupled with how much of a whirlwind the rest of it was it probably shocked her out of the giddy stupor she was in. You both got swept up in the early stages of dating. It's important to keep your wits about yourself at least a little in those early stages so that you can assess what the person is like objectively.. My guess is that she let herself get carried away and swept up with the idea of the fairy tale romance - the constant dates, the showers of affection, the gifts and expensive dinners - but then when she was shocked out of it by your mildly obsessive behaviour she realized that she didn't have any real connection to stand on.. It was all butterflies and fancy dinners and she didn't really know enough about you substantially to make up for that behaviour. It can be very shocking when you're quickly pulled out of that brain fog. Worse even than if you hadn't gotten swept up in it so much to begin with. I would take a step back and give her as much space as she needs, but say that you'd still like to get to know her better if she is still interested. This is not the time for grand gestures at all, it's time to back off and show that you are a calm, rational, reliable person, with good qualities outside of your ability to woo her with gifts. 2
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 Did she put out before you spent all the doh? No offence just wondering. No, our first date was simple. We went to a local Mexican seafood place and had a few drinks, ate and talked for about 3 hours. Second date we went to dinner at a nice Italian place, I booked us a suite at the theater to see Phantom of the Opera, and I took her home and gave her a small kiss on the lips, and a hug. She began texting me on the way home how great she thought the night was. Once again, I usually didn't instigate the contact, she did. I did occasionally, but it was always received well by her. Third date was the next night, super fancy seafood place, bottle of wine, and SHE wanted to go home for sex. I tried to slow it down, and she sped it up.
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 Honestly I think it comes down to how you reacted on saturday.. that behaviour, incessant calling, texting, driving by her house... that's VERY intense and unnecessary. You have only known her a couple of weeks so you don't know her general behaviour or communication style enough to 'know' that something might be wrong when she doesn't respond straight away. Personally I would be very frightened off by that, and that coupled with how much of a whirlwind the rest of it was it probably shocked her out of the giddy stupor she was in. You both got swept up in the early stages of dating. It's important to keep your wits about yourself at least a little in those early stages so that you can assess what the person is like objectively.. My guess is that she let herself get carried away and swept up with the idea of the fairy tale romance - the constant dates, the showers of affection, the gifts and expensive dinners - but then when she was shocked out of it by your mildly obsessive behaviour she realized that she didn't have any real connection to stand on.. It was all butterflies and fancy dinners and she didn't really know enough about you substantially to make up for that behaviour. It can be very shocking when you're quickly pulled out of that brain fog. Worse even than if you hadn't gotten swept up in it so much to begin with. I would take a step back and give her as much space as she needs, but say that you'd still like to get to know her better if she is still interested. This is not the time for grand gestures at all, it's time to back off and show that you are a calm, rational, reliable person, with good qualities outside of your ability to woo her with gifts. I completely agree now. In the moment Saturday, I had a lot going on and probably didn't make the right decision. I see that now, but I can only be honest, I cant take it back. I really meant nothing by it. I am not an obsessive person by nature, but I am protective, it is just who I am I guess. If you and I go from texting every couple of hours at the least, and usually every few minutes for weeks, and then one day I just completely drop off the radar for a day, even after I told you I'd talk to you in the morning. I would think you may be a little concerned, no? Maybe I watch too much crime TV. So I just sent her a level setting email, and that will be the last time I say anything to her until she decides to contact me, should she decide that. I basically told her that yes, we both got out of control, but that I wanted to just rewind and take it slow from here on out. She is free to respond or not. I am not going to be contacting her again if I do not hear from her.
kismetkismet Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I agree with most everything you said. I do want to point out though, that it wasn't a couple of hours, it was all day, into the night...I know it was probably overreaction, but if that is not how we normally interact, and comes out of the blue, to me it tells me something is wrong. I gave her a few opportunities to just let me know she was OK, and I would leave her alone for the day. I was really busy, we were in the middle of shooting a movie and I had a million things going on, I didn't take the decision o drop everything and go check on her lightly...I only did it once I thought I had exhausted all other options. I would do that for any friend, especially a female I know lives alone. You have only been interacting for two weeks.. that's really not nearly enough time to know what a person is like/how they interact with people. It takes months to learn that. Lots of people can be very full on for patches and then suddenly need space. And you're dating - it's not as though she is your best friend that you've known for years - people that are dating can be a bit flakey or play games as their emotions come and go. Perhaps she went out with her friends and they all lectured her for moving too quickly with you, maybe her phone was dead or was on silent and it had become wedged in the couch and she forgot because she was tired and hungover. There are ENDLESS possibilities for why a person hasn't responded to a text message for ONE day. My guess is that the more you texted/called, the less she wanted to reply and then you continued badgering her which made her nervous and eventually snap. Again, it's very important in dating to build a steady foundation that's based on more than just fun and lovely dates. While those are really important, you can't truly know someone within a few weeks, you should still be expecting that just about anything could happen. To know someone you need time, and you need real life. Not fancy dates. You learn about people in situations such as this one, or in conflicts or when obstacles arise. Not when everyone is on their best behaviour at a fancy occasion.
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