Divorce, Unexpected Advances & Kissing Your Best Friend

[RMAC1989]

I originally posted this same thread in general relationship and I have received one very helpful piece of feedback but I realise now that I may get a greater amount of answers by posting in this category.

 

Now I apologise in advance for the imminent essay but I feel I should give the whole story if I'm to get any constructive or helpful opinions.

 

So from the top and probably the easiest part of the whole fiasco to explain, I am unfortunately going through the motions of a rather nasty divorce following a 7 year relationship where it has taken me until now to realise that I have been living with a woman suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This alone has brought it's own unexpected joys in the form of domestic violence being committed against me and all other proceedings since then being exceptionally malicious and difficult to say the least.

 

Now the real series of events I would greatly appreciate an opinion on started approximately 2 weeks after my divorce began. My current work is based within a specialist team of a large company and as such everyone on the team pretty much lives in each other's pockets which in turn breeds a very close bond between us all, thank god we all get along.

 

Now recently I have been given the responsibility of handling and running multiple projects at work and in order to assist me I have had a female colleague from within the team assigned to me in order to help expand and run the projects. For simplicity's sake I shall call her J. J and I have known each other and been good friends through work only for approximately 18 months and I had always felt an effortless kind of chemistry between us but never thought anything more of it as I believed at the time I was happily married and J was also in a semi long term relationship of her own.

 

Now following the break up with my Wife, J also broke things off with her partner, I would just like to clarify there was no connection between the two events and J would later confide in me that her partner was also abusive in a similar manner to that of my Wife, physical and emotional. Now because we were experiencing similar issues at the same time we began speaking more and more about our problems while at work and the connection between us began to become more obvious but still I had no thoughts of perusing anything with J or anyone for that matter considering how distraught I was with realisation that my marriage had run it's course.

 

J and I have a mutual friend at work that I shall call S who has been J's friend for many years. Following J's break up J chose to move in with S while she tried to figure out what her next move would be now she was no longer with her partner. S agreed to help J move all her belongings from her previous property but needed help to do so and as such S asked all the members of our team if anyone was free to help. It just so happened that I was the only one available so I agreed to go to S's that weekend and help out as best I could.

 

I arrived at S's and was immediately taken aback as almost as soon as I walked in the door J came running down the stairs and practically jumped on me and gave me a long and deep hug. I can't say it wasn't nice to have that interaction considering how the divorce was effecting me but I still thought nothing more of it than a friend looking for comfort.

 

After having moved several things around the house, putting things together and fixing various items we all sat down and started to relax. S asked J and myself if we would like a drink to which we both said yes so S went off to the kitchen to fetch our drinks. What happened next caught me completely sideways. I turned around in my seat to speak to J and before I could react she kissed me and I found myself kissing back, it was like a wave of emotions, genuine metaphorical fireworks. Even when S came back in to the room we still carried on regardless before eventually stopping to enjoy our drinks. The rest of that evening was truly and this may sound cliche but it was magical. J and I spoke endlessly and effortlessly. I found that I didn't have to think for a second about what to say but that it all flowed so naturally and J admitted that she also felt the same. S then had to leave to run a few errands leaving J and I alone. Although there was ample opportunity to do so we did not make the quantum leap to the bedroom but instead spent the next 3 hours wrapped up in each other talking endlessly about whatever came in to our heads and filling any natural pauses with more passionate kissing.

 

Now approximately 1 week later S invited me to her birthday party at which J was also attending. During the party and after the consumption of much alcohol J asked me to follow her outside as she wanted to "apologise" to me. Once outside J told me that she had been to nervous to talk to me because of how I make her feel but then dropped the bombshell that she was going to give things another go with her ex because she had seen how devastated her ex was from her leaving him. However J then followed this by telling me she didn't want me to think she had lead me on but that she didn't regret what happened between us, that she is glad it happened between us, that she feels I "Just get her" where no other man has before and that she can't help herself around me. She then capped it off by asking me if I could revert, for the sake of her relationship, to being just friends again and because of how much I had come to realise I cared for her I agreed I would do whatever she asked of me.

 

Obviously despite me never having had any intention of moving straight in to another relationship following the recent breakdown of my marriage I found I was utterly devastated by this news from J. The next day after the party when I got home I sat on my stairs and wept like a baby, which I hadn't done since long before my marriage started. Since then J has been distant with me but then occasionally seems to let her guard down and what I consider to be the real J I have known for almost 2 years reappears before she quickly gets herself back under control and goes cold again. As such I have tried my upmost to be true to my word and effectively mute my true feelings for her.

 

It is at this point I'm afraid I have to complicate matters further and introduce my best friend to the equation, I shall call her N. N and I have been friends for 14 years and over that time grown incredibly close and share a very similar connection to the one I have recently discovered between myself and J. We have learnt that both of us shared very similar traumatic experiences as children and since then have always confided in each other about everything in our lives and unquestionably know more about each other than anyone else on the planet. Again to clarify there has never been any romantic inclinations between the two of us despite what many of our friends have said about our connection and what many others will say about men and women not being able to be platonic friends.

 

N is fully aware of the situation between myself and J and in return told me about her relationship issues. She has unfortunately fallen in love with a work colleague that she has been dating for several months only to discover he is married with 2 children but still cares for him deeply. I know, the drama of this story is perpetual.

 

N and I have been spending increasing amounts of time with each other since the beginning of my divorce and her discovery about her lover but our close friendship has helped both of us indescribably through both our respective issues. Now N and I very recently spent an evening together at my house, which is a regular occurrence in our friendship but things definitely took a turn for the unusual as the night progressed. As we were both still grieving our broken relationships we worked our way through considerable amounts of alcohol that night. This may sound unusual for 2 people pushing 30 but by approximately 11pm we were both rolling around on the floor being a pair of immature idiots, pretty much a hall mark of our friendship.

 

At some point during this childish behaviour I found myself looking down at N as she laid on the floor beneath me and was over come by an incredible urge to Kiss her. I know I shouldn't have but with the encouragement of the alcohol in my system I went with urge and kissed N. To my surprise N kissed back immediately and we ended up passionately kissing each other on the living room floor for about 10-15 minutes. Again there was no mad dash to the bedroom for anything more physical.

 

When we came up for air I became painfully aware that N was suddenly uncomfortable with the whole event and we went back almost immediately to our normal selves after I had tried my best to reassure her that I know she's not the kind of woman to do something like that when she's in love with someone else and to be fair I'm not the kind of man to encourage it either. Strangely we spent that night together in the same bed wrapped around each other and enjoyed a perfect nights sleep in each other's arms.

 

Fast forward to the next afternoon when we finally crawled out of bed I drove N home but I knew N was still not comfortable with what had happened. N later messaged me that same day to tell me that she did not wish to do to me what J had and stated she only saw me as a friend but promised me I would not lose her even if I felt more for her than she did for me.

 

I am happy and relieved to say that everything between N and myself has returned to normality, probably a sign of our close bond. However I still find myself devastated by N telling me this just as I had felt when J had spoken to me approximately 2 weeks before hand. I have to admit I had wondered for a long time if N and I were destined for something more considering our long and very close friendship but her friendship has always been too important to me to risk ruining it over what I thought was a childish fantasy.

 

Finally to add to the awkwardness my work xmas party is fast approaching at which N has agreed very happily to be my plus 1 for the evening but J and her ex (now partner again) will also be present.

 

If anyone has been kind enough to persevere and read this entry to this point then I am truly thankful and would greatly appreciate any answers left.

[makemineamac]

Wow, what a lot to experience in a very short time. And the potential damage you've could have caused by your actions in that time too is pretty crazy as well.

 

I'm sure I won't be the only one to bring up boundaries here but it's clear to me you don't understand them or know how to implement them. That's ok, you can learn to do that going forward but let's talk about what's happened here.

 

It's clear you're a nice guy and you get along well with people. That's great. But having/allowing a work colleague to hit on you and fool around - even though it might feel good at the time - is never right. I've done it and I know firsthand. So, be glad that blew over and commit to working with her in a professional manner with no expectations of any other sort of a future with her.

 

As for your friend, you put her in a bad situation too and luckily she's also going to continue to be your friend. Count yourself lucky.

 

You clearly need to do some work on yourself and get over your old relationship before you start participating in other relationships. You need to process everything that has happened and get some counselling.

 

The fact you were dealing with a partner with NPD - was that a diagnosed condition or is that what you're calling it? Is also tough and you should see a professional.

 

Life sucks for you right now. I'm sorry. But better days are ahead for you if you spend some time to sort out everything that just happened from your marriage to these 'fleeting' experiences you've had with these 2 ladies.

 

I wish you well and I'm sure there will be more constructive advice given here, just wanted you to know someone saw your post.

 

As for the Christmas party, maybe considering everything you should not be taking your friend, or maybe you should not go at all?

Edited November 18, 2015 by makemineamac

[RMAC1989]

Hi Mate

 

Thank you very much for the feed back, it's greatly appreciated.

 

Just to clarify I can see exactly how it may appear I have a misunderstanding in regards to boundaries but I just wanted to say that in terms of my relationship with J it was never my intention for it to progress to the point that it did. Yes obviously her making the first move made me confront my true feelings for her but I know full well that bouncing from a failed marriage to another relationship is not advisable. Also despite my strong feelings for J I was not attempting to use her as a distraction from my own issues, I detest people who that do that.

 

As for N I realise exactly how lucky I am to have such a loyal friend and I believe it was my vulnerability that lead me to act as I did, no excuse I know but I think her replying in kind was obviously a sign of hers too.

 

Finally in regards to the NPD suffered by my soon to be ex-wife it has neither been diagnosed nor an observation on my part. Following the domestic violence I suffered I spoke with the domestic violence help centre upon advisement from the police and it was the operator I spoke with for approximately 2 hours that gave this opinion following the statement I gave regarding all the occurrences of my 7 year relationship.

 

Thank you again for the feedback.

[makemineamac]

Thanks for clarifying. So can you see someone to help get over this? Is that something you've ever done before? It can be really helpful.

 

Sometimes we have such a hard time walking through these situations as the seldom happen to us.

 

I would encourage you to take advantage of every possible opportunity to talk through this with a professional of some type. From what I understand, getting over dealing with a person with NPD can be very challenging, and the things you went through go right to your core and need to be addressed.

 

I wish you nothing but the best on your journey and hope you will find peace and happiness. I think it's possible for all of us, Looking after yourself right now is key.

 

What have you decided on for the Christmas Party?