What did he mean that he doesn't want this to be a rebound deal and he's not ready?

[Redhead14]

Hey RH......you always speak about *managing* emotions...can you provide some ways in which to do that in a healthy way?

 

It's one thing to say it, but how to actually do it?

 

I know for me, when I feel emotional ....it's like a storm....I just have to experience the emotions, in all their glory, let them run their course till they pass.

 

It would be nice to learn ways to combat those negative emotions though....when that start up ....head them off in their track so to speak.

 

Since my break up....they seem to be creeping up on me quite a bit.....wreaking havoc on my sensitive psyche.....ugh!

 

Any help would be appreciated....

 

It really comes down to being resolved to balancing intellect/logic/perspective and emotions so as not to allow one or the other to take over -- control your thoughts, responses, reactions, etc. For instance, a knee jerk reaction to something occurs when the emotion surrounding the event is in control so to speak. Oftentimes, when a person has a knee jerk reaction to something and then they step back or are away from it, they begin to see it a little differently. The mind kicks in and allows some other aspects to become clearer. That's a simple example.

 

I am sure you are experiencing all kinds of emotions and sometimes they are mixed.

 

In your situation, it's important to allow yourself to feel the emotions, of course. Sometimes you can't do that, like if you are at work. That's hard. What you can do is when you are home and alone, give yourself a block of time to sit with and process emotions. Say 15 mins to a half an hour. Let them come to the surface. At the end of the allotted time, you simply get up and start doing something else. Make yourself do it. Part of what this does, for a lot of people if they do it actively for a while, is make it so that the person is used to that emotion or emotions so that when they come up at various times, they are able to kinda shut them down more quickly. There are people who are entirely intellectual and don't allow themselves to experience emotions and they are shutdown and really not enjoying life fully. There are people who are entirely emotional. They react with emotion and no logic. They find themselves confused and living in a choatic world usually.

 

It would be nice to learn ways to combat those negative emotions though. -- Well, you don't really want to combat them per se. You need to allow yourself to feel them but at an appropriate time. And, it's a matter of resolve,really, to be able to put them back in their place, so to speak, when they start taking over. It takes practice and resolve. Tell yourself, this situation is in the past now. Do I want to feel miserable now about something that is in the past and I have no control over now or ever really? Basically, when the emotions are coming on strong, you need to get the mind to be more actively involved. Flip the logic switch on, in a way.

 

I am a big supporter of journaling. If you can write down what you are thinking and feeling at a time when you're overwhelmed with emotion, you can look at it later and "see" what you've been saying and feeling at the time. Journaling gives thoughts and emotions tangibility. It takes it out of the internalized environment and allows the mind to associate with the emotions more easily. When it's all swirling around in a storm as you say, the mind can't grab on to anything Sometimes, you read it again and you realize that some of those thoughts are really illogical or not as significant as you'd been thinking or not being kept in perspective, etc. It also allows you see how much negative SELF-talk is happening. If there is alot of negative self-talk, like, blaming yourself for not knowing something, or telling yourself you had control over a person or situation and could have done something differently, or guilt or remorse or what have you, you can look at it more objectively.

 

The same is true for positive emotions, i.e. the endorphin high people get when they start dating someone they really like. It's a nice feeling, you wanna keep that, you want to have more, and people immerse themselves in it. But, if they keep a little more in tune with their logic and sensibilities, and balance those two things, they can still look at the person too. See them more clear in terms of who they are and what they bring to you as a potential partner.

 

There is something else that goes on with negative emotions sometimes. The emotions are coming up and the inquiring mind kinda wants to know and understand what it is, the mind wants to analyze it and take it apart and that's good, up to a point. But if it gets overwhelmed too, it can't deal with it effectively either. When that happens, the process becomes about ruminating over the issue, situation. The person is stuck in a cycle that's difficult to break. The trick there is to nip it in the bud, which is where the 15 minute or half hour comes in. It allows for it to come up, but doesn't allow it to get out of control either mentally or emotionally.

 

Sometimes, if the mind is wanting to deal with it, it's a sign of healing too. The mind is ready to logically and effectively deal with and allow the mind and body/soul to heal. This kind of scenario is more about people who've shut themselves down at some point and are becoming ready to process and move on.

 

Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself (which includes not allowing yourself to be miserable for chunks of time about something that's past), recognize and talk to yourself in positive ways. Talk to yourself as if you were the "big sister". Reinforce your strengths. Keep the focus on YOU and your current life as much as you possibly can.

 

If you find yourself being angry a lot and for an extended period of time, I would suggest seeking counseling. Anger is to be expected to some degree, but if that is a prevailing and overwhelming emotion, that's not healthy. I wouldn't think that would be the case with you though. You're a smart, secure, tough woman. But take note.

[katiegrl]

Thanks RH.....and yeah I have been journaling, a lot, and it does help!

 

When I feel upset I will lash out at my ex in an email, that I do not send.

 

I don't even put his email address on the "to" line, for fear it might send inadvertently.

 

When I am done, I feel better!

 

Next day, I feel badly for him, hope he is okay, and want to reach out asking him how he's doing?

 

It is soooooooo crazy .....doing the best to handle it though.

 

Thanks again for your response!