What did he mean that he doesn't want this to be a rebound deal and he's not ready?

November 17, 2015

I'd gotten close to a guy I met online over the last month or so and although I had my guard up at the beginning due to so many previous heartbreaks, he surprised me by being consistent, attentive, and caring the entire time, and I could check all the boxes on any one of those lists of "signs that he's really into you." We both agreed that we're amazingly in sync and that we click so well and so effortlessly. He'd been hinting about things getting serious, assuring me that this is genuine, showing me pictures of his past and his family, and he's introduced me to a group of his close friends once. I got my hopes up.

It all unravelled a week earlier when I noticed that he'd been a bit distant for a few days. Finally the last time we met he admitted that he recently ran into his ex and it reminded him of how she cheated on him with his best friend and that it still hurts like hell. So it made him realize that he's still not over that betrayal since he's one of those sensitive and emotional dudes. It's been about six months since their breakup and they were together for over two years. I'd never seen him so tortured and confused like that.

In the end he said he doesn't want me to be his rebound girl and that I'm such a nice/amazing/smart/beautiful girl and that he cares about me and he'd never imagined he'd met someone like me so soon. He said we could be friends, etc. and that he needs space and time to work on getting himself back together. This really hurts for me. I didn't see this coming and now I'm starting to question if he was even that interested in me in the first place, which he assured me that it was not an act. It hurts also to see that he wanted to end something so promising, although he did say who knows maybe down the road when he feels better we'll connect again. But now I don't know if he really likes me back or is just trying to soften the blow and let me down easily. We haven't talked at all since we parted ways last time and it's so hard to think that I'm having a hard time erasing memories of him while he may not even care about me that much...

Edited November 17, 2015 by adilaurentis

November 17, 2015

This is very common.

Let him go completely and don't play friends.

He was not ready to date in the first place. He met you, you felt good, you helped keeping his mind off of his ex, you were the band-aid on his wound. When he met his ex again reality hit. He still has feelings for her. There is nothing you can do so please don't wait around. When he gets back on his feet you're not the one he's going to turn to.

November 17, 2015

I see a lot of posts where women suddenly call into question "did he ever really even like me?" After they split up or the guy ends things. Sounds like this guy was actually being fully up front and honest with you which is what you'd want isn't it? The fact that he told you he had a self realization after running into his ex shows that he does actually care about you and didn't want to lead you on and hurt you by continuing to date you when he wasn't fully invested.

That doesn't mean he never liked you, or doesn't like you now, or had different intentions than he told you. It just means that he might have gotten ahead of himself since meeting you but didn't really ever come to terms with his last breakup and knows that getting into a serious relationship with you right now wouldn't be the best idea.

If I had to guess I would also say that when he ran into his ex, he realized either 1. He still has feelings for her , or 2. She interacted with him and led him to believe that she's changed or something where he can see them getting back together.

For once I'd like a girl to say "you know what, as much as I like him and wanted this to work out, I respect his maturity in telling me what he did and not wasting any more time just Bc he didn't wanna hurt my feelings."

People's feelings and emotions and outlooks are allowed to change without calling into question everything they've ever said or told you.

November 17, 2015

I see a lot of posts where women suddenly call into question "did he ever really even like me?" After they split up or the guy ends things. Sounds like this guy was actually being fully up front and honest with you which is what you'd want isn't it? The fact that he told you he had a self realization after running into his ex shows that he does actually care about you and didn't want to lead you on and hurt you by continuing to date you when he wasn't fully invested.

That doesn't mean he never liked you, or doesn't like you now, or had different intentions than he told you. It just means that he might have gotten ahead of himself since meeting you but didn't really ever come to terms with his last breakup and knows that getting into a serious relationship with you right now wouldn't be the best idea.

If I had to guess I would also say that when he ran into his ex, he realized either 1. He still has feelings for her , or 2. She interacted with him and led him to believe that she's changed or something where he can see them getting back together.

For once I'd like a girl to say "you know what, as much as I like him and wanted this to work out, I respect his maturity in telling me what he did and not wasting any more time just Bc he didn't wanna hurt my feelings."

People's feelings and emotions and outlooks are allowed to change without calling into question everything they've ever said or told you.

Totally agree. AND FINALLY, Qboro you have worded exactly what I've tried to express at least 10 times on this site in bold!!!!! Things unfold; that's what dating is. Things are fluid; people discover things. The presumption that one person or the other has the end point totally figured out is just bunk!

OP, he may circle back. It wouldn't be the worst thing. I say it all the time; I know plenty of things that worked out in situations that began like this. That said, the stupidest thing you could do would be to put your hope into the fact that it WILL. It may or it may not. He is not ready. He sounds honest, like he is being respectful and is aware of himself. Sounds like if he has any intention of dating you in future, he'd rather not muck it up now when he's not ready nor in a place to date. Maybe he didn't imagine finding someone to be serious again about so soon. And was hoping for more casual or slower moving things until he was ready. Seeing her was a catalyst that let him know he wasn't ready.

I wouldn't do real friends. Very very distant friendly is best way. Tell him you respect him telling you that and you are going let him do his thing and resurrect his life--while you live yours. The friends thing is so he can keep an eye on you, have it both ways, possibly a cop-out line and is the quickest way to nowhere. If you want to light a fire: Answer respectfully yourself and make it clear that you are going to go on with your life if he can't give you what you want. Be polite but firm. You won't change his mind by staying in his life convenient to him. You will get what you want if and when he's ready by making him worry that he will lose you. He does need to process those feelings and if you stick around, you will BE the rebound by being convenient and available when he cannot process how great he feels about you because he is still comparing. Become scarce! Good luck

November 17, 2015

Don't stick around as this guy's friend in hopes one day he comes back to you. He didn't feel strong enough about you to come back to you after meeting his ex the other day.

Don't EVER give him the time of day again.

November 17, 2015

I see a lot of posts where women suddenly call into question "did he ever really even like me?" After they split up or the guy ends things. Sounds like this guy was actually being fully up front and honest with you which is what you'd want isn't it? The fact that he told you he had a self realization after running into his ex shows that he does actually care about you and didn't want to lead you on and hurt you by continuing to date you when he wasn't fully invested.

That doesn't mean he never liked you, or doesn't like you now, or had different intentions than he told you. It just means that he might have gotten ahead of himself since meeting you but didn't really ever come to terms with his last breakup and knows that getting into a serious relationship with you right now wouldn't be the best idea.

If I had to guess I would also say that when he ran into his ex, he realized either 1. He still has feelings for her , or 2. She interacted with him and led him to believe that she's changed or something where he can see them getting back together.

For once I'd like a girl to say "you know what, as much as I like him and wanted this to work out, I respect his maturity in telling me what he did and not wasting any more time just Bc he didn't wanna hurt my feelings."

People's feelings and emotions and outlooks are allowed to change without calling into question everything they've ever said or told you.

Sounds like an accurate assessment. Apparently his ex is moving abroad for a job so she had a get-together with some old friends and colleagues. So I'm not sure if there were any intentions of getting back together. I'm also not sure what kind of interactions they had there but I admit that running into your ex after the breakup can open your wound again, especially when you experienced a huge betrayal you never really came to terms with.

He did say that he never expected that he'd meet someone he'd click so well with so soon and that things were moving so smoothly and so fast between us. He thought it could help him get over the past but ultimately he realized it was a bit too much for him to handle at the moment. I said it might be easier for him to be friends with me but I need time, and he agreed, which also made me doubt if he ever actually liked me at all.

I agree that it was nice of him to be honest with me about it, and that this came out only a month (and not months or years) into our dating relationship. I guess we question the feelings part because there are always those scenarios where a guy is hung up on an ex until he meets someone who truly sweeps him off his feet.

November 17, 2015

well, when a guy has been burned like your guy has: he is dealing with a lot. It's a blow to the ego, big time. And with his best friend! They just have to go through it. It's not necessarily that you are not enough of any one thing or should do a takeaway that is a reflection on you or how he felt about you. He was NOT really considering you. Not in a mean way. But because he is not ready. He doesn't feel good about himself. when people are recovering their egos, they really are not in place for another person. Hang in there. Don't take it personally. Live your life. Walk away respectfully. Good luck

November 17, 2015

Sounds like an accurate assessment. Apparently his ex is moving abroad for a job so she had a get-together with some old friends and colleagues. So I'm not sure if there were any intentions of getting back together. I'm also not sure what kind of interactions they had there but I admit that running into your ex after the breakup can open your wound again, especially when you experienced a huge betrayal you never really came to terms with.

He did say that he never expected that he'd meet someone he'd click so well with so soon and that things were moving so smoothly and so fast between us. He thought it could help him get over the past but ultimately he realized it was a bit too much for him to handle at the moment. I said it might be easier for him to be friends with me but I need time, and he agreed, which also made me doubt if he ever actually liked me at all.

I agree that it was nice of him to be honest with me about it, and that this came out only a month (and not months or years) into our dating relationship. I guess we question the feelings part because there are always those scenarios where a guy is hung up on an ex until he meets someone who truly sweeps him off his feet.

That's understandable. Just was trying to get you to realize that what this guy did by telling you was actually a noble action on his part and should be received with appreciation despite your disappointment.

Sometimes when you come out of a serious relationship and the first person you meet is great and you can see yourself falling for them. It can make you distrust your own feelings and logic. You might very well be perfect for each other. But he might be doubting whether his feelings for you are truly because of who you are or if they're just elation at finding someone after his brutal break up. So it's reasonable for him to want to spend the time by himself until he's 100% confident that the effort he puts into his next relationship is purely because of the chemistry that he has with the girl, and not because of underlying unresolved issues from his last relationship and break up.

I agree with Versace as well. Don't be too friendly with him to the point where he knows you'll be there infinitely. Every now and then (couple weeks in between) you can shoot him a text with an inside joke or something cute you think of, but definitely don't be a regular buddy he can hit up whenever he feels chatty. He needs to see you're a desireable commodity and it might spark him to action. That being said, don't live and do things trying to get him to notice or react. If he does, he does. If not, then it's not affecting your life whatsoever .

November 18, 2015

That's understandable. Just was trying to get you to realize that what this guy did by telling you was actually a noble action on his part and should be received with appreciation despite your disappointment.

Sometimes when you come out of a serious relationship and the first person you meet is great and you can see yourself falling for them. It can make you distrust your own feelings and logic. You might very well be perfect for each other. But he might be doubting whether his feelings for you are truly because of who you are or if they're just elation at finding someone after his brutal break up. So it's reasonable for him to want to spend the time by himself until he's 100% confident that the effort he puts into his next relationship is purely because of the chemistry that he has with the girl, and not because of underlying unresolved issues from his last relationship and break up.

I agree with Versace as well. Don't be too friendly with him to the point where he knows you'll be there infinitely. Every now and then (couple weeks in between) you can shoot him a text with an inside joke or something cute you think of, but definitely don't be a regular buddy he can hit up whenever he feels chatty. He needs to see you're a desireable commodity and it might spark him to action. That being said, don't live and do things trying to get him to notice or react. If he does, he does. If not, then it's not affecting your life whatsoever .

This all sound very reasonable. However, the way he ended things that last time we met sounded so final, and he was all "take care of yourself..." blah blah blah. I said if he wants to talk or something he can still reach out to me, out of courtesy, since I knew he never told anyone in his life the real reason he and his ex broke up (guess he was ashamed of it) so it could a lonely process. And he reciprocated my niceness and said I can do the same of course. It all just felt so cold that he couldn't even say that we could take a break for a few months and maybe try again down the road or something like that.

So I'm not sure if I can just shoot him a text every now and then when I think of something random. That said, we're still Facebook friends and I'm surprised we haven't deleted each other yet. But he never deleted his ex on there either.

Not saying that I'm waiting for him - there's no way I'm going to do that. I'm simply feeling that it's a shame our timing was bad. Sometimes I feel like doing something to grab his attention but have no idea how. We don't live too close to each other and all that. However, if he's thinking about getting back together with his ex - someone who cheated on him with his best friend, then maybe they deserve each other and that he's not as smart as I thought.

November 18, 2015

This all sound very reasonable. However, the way he ended things that last time we met sounded so final, and he was all "take care of yourself..." blah blah blah. I said if he wants to talk or something he can still reach out to me, out of courtesy, since I knew he never told anyone in his life the real reason he and his ex broke up (guess he was ashamed of it) so it could a lonely process. And he reciprocated my niceness and said I can do the same of course. It all just felt so cold that he couldn't even say that we could take a break for a few months and maybe try again down the road or something like that.

So I'm not sure if I can just shoot him a text every now and then when I think of something random. That said, we're still Facebook friends and I'm surprised we haven't deleted each other yet. But he never deleted his ex on there either.

Not saying that I'm waiting for him - there's no way I'm going to do that. I'm simply feeling that it's a shame our timing was bad. Sometimes I feel like doing something to grab his attention but have no idea how. We don't live too close to each other and all that. However, if he's thinking about getting back together with his ex - someone who cheated on him with his best friend, then maybe they deserve each other and that he's not as smart as I thought.

Don't do this. It's transparent and he will know what you're doing. And it will hurt you more.

Consider it a done deal. He did the right thing telling you so you can move on to someone who is ready for a commitment.

And honestly, I would delete him on FB. I don't see a reason to keep him around, as I think it will only be a reminder to you of what didn't work.

November 18, 2015

You've gotten some great responses on this thread. I agree with everything everyone has already told you.

I wanted to add that I have been where he is. A year ago I met someone who, strangely enough, was already connected to me on LinkedIn. We'd never met; I'd just requested a LinkedIn connection because his work sounded interesting. That was about a year before I met him and we never corresponded; I never imagined I'd actually meet him. But when I was skinning up one of our local ski mountains before the mountain opened, there was one other person skinning up behind me, and when he caught up to me we got to talking and we both recognized one another from LinkedIn.

He was lovely. Very smart, handsome, nice--and so after our ski we went out for soup (it was cold and windy that day) and talked for hours. He lives about 4 hours' drive away from me. We emailed a bit; he came out to where I was again; we emailed some more, and I realized that I just was not in a place to be dating anyone, certainly not seriously, and certainly not with us living at such distance, which would mean we'd have to make a serious effort to make things work. I just did not have the energy.

He is by far the most interesting guy I have met since my breakup two years ago. Who knows whether we'd have become a couple, but in my frame of mind at the time it just was not something I was even able to pursue to find out. It said NOTHING about his quality as a person or as a dating prospect in my eyes.

Now that I'm further along in my healing, I've thought about reaching out to him, but at the same time I feel like I just want a clean slate. I am enjoying and NEEDING to be single to make some adjustments to myself and my life, and that takes precedence over anything else. Sure, someone could come along and sweep me off my feet, and I suppose I'm open to that. But to contact this guy is to have to revisit the context of the pain from my breakup that I felt more acutely a year ago, and I just don't want to go back there.

It sounds like this guy was in a similar place. I think he was being completely honest with you and showing real self-awareness as well as concern for your feelings and you as a person. If he didn't care, then he would just keep dating you as a distraction, but he has more integrity than most, and for him that was not an option with you. Take it as a compliment.

I know it sucks. But as they say, sometimes "timing is everything."

November 18, 2015

And, to add to my above post: Unlike your guy, I did not communicate to that guy why I just could not go forward with whatever we had going. I wanted to, but just having to say to someone how much pain I actually was in deep down was too difficult at the time. I was in SO MUCH PAIN. And so, I just kind-of faded on him, not responding to all his emails, and causing the correspondence to fizzle out. I felt bad, but I felt I could not honor myself and be open about how much I was hurting. It would be revealing too much--or so it felt.

He sounds like a good guy. Now you just need to find an equally good guy who also is READY for a relationship.

November 18, 2015

The guy did a great thing and this is a blessing in disguise. He saved you from further heartbreak! I recently got out of a relationship like this. Still hurt and trying to move on but I realized that dating someone who has another woman on his mind is frustrating and all you're doing is disrespecting yourself. Sometimes when people get out of a bad break up they close off their hearts and he's right you probably are perfect and super great, but if someone's heart is closed off it won't matter how perfect you are, they won't develop feelings for you because they need to get over their issues and baggage. Please don't contact him at all. Show him you respect yourself and you're not just the girl he can hit up when he pleases. He will most likely contact you in the future and when he does, you can respond but hold back and figure out his intentions before giving in.

November 18, 2015

I would say that he does like you--because he cares about your esteem. Evidence: he didn't ghost on you. He faced you and told you--not texted--what was up. He was honest in that he realized he's not done with processing his ex. He knew he couldn't use you as a distraction because that would be unfair to you.

Having said that, I don't think I would be his friend. I'd be friendly towards him, but I wouldn't opt to become his pal because you want to be his woman--the one he shares romantic feelings with, not someone he dumps his confusion about his ex on.

November 18, 2015

I agree with other posters a very considerate guy, truthful too,....too bad hes so hurt :'( but he cant give you all of his love when hes that hurt so its for the best.

I also agree in not being friends just friendly why dont you send him a msg stating that ud of liked more so you cannot be his friend but if hes ever ready be may contact you in the future.

Try to leave on nice terms and you never know what the future holds. Who knows you may find someone else that's better so dont hold up for this dude.

November 18, 2015

I've been in his position, went thru a really bad breakup, met an amazing guy, ran into my ex, one look at him and all my progress was shot to hell. Definitely leave this guy alone because he is not over his ex yet. He is a nice guy to let you know rather than to just keep you around for his comfort.

November 18, 2015

So I'm not sure if I can just shoot him a text every now and then when I think of something random. That said, we're still Facebook friends and I'm surprised we haven't deleted each other yet. But he never deleted his ex on there either.

Don't do that. He's asked you for space right now. Don't make him have to be nasty with you for you to hear what he is saying.

I'd block him on FB--otherwise, you will never move on if you're creeping his page.

Not saying that I'm waiting for him - there's no way I'm going to do that. I'm simply feeling that it's a shame our timing was bad.

A Todd Rundgren song comes to mind: Parallel Lines. "face the fact, some things never come together; parallel lines swirling on forever..." Sometimes, things just don't work out for a myriad of reasons.

Sometimes I feel like doing something to grab his attention but have no idea how. We don't live too close to each other and all that.

Maintain your grace and don't succumb to desperation thinking/gameplaying. He doesn't want to give you the kind of attention you're after.

However, if he's thinking about getting back together with his ex - someone who cheated on him with his best friend, then maybe they deserve each other and that he's not as smart as I thought.

This isn't logical like thought. This is his heart and he has not done the work he needed to do to defragment his emotions. He tried to short circuit the grief process by distracting himself with you. When his test came along--seeing his ex--grief landed on his head because he wasn't where he should have been--in a state of indifference towards her. He realized that he has to submit himself to the grief process and go through it and not around it.

Don't spit on him for treating you with respect. What he did is far better than what he could have done: use you, but never choose you. You want a man to choose you willingly, willfully and enthusiastically.

Edited November 18, 2015 by kendahke

November 23, 2015

The guy did a great thing and this is a blessing in disguise. He saved you from further heartbreak! I recently got out of a relationship like this. Still hurt and trying to move on but I realized that dating someone who has another woman on his mind is frustrating and all you're doing is disrespecting yourself. Sometimes when people get out of a bad break up they close off their hearts and he's right you probably are perfect and super great, but if someone's heart is closed off it won't matter how perfect you are, they won't develop feelings for you because they need to get over their issues and baggage. Please don't contact him at all. Show him you respect yourself and you're not just the girl he can hit up when he pleases. He will most likely contact you in the future and when he does, you can respond but hold back and figure out his intentions before giving in.

I definitely agree that he was decent for not leading me on any longer, and that this came out only a month and a half - instead of months or years -- into our dating relationship. I just feel deceived since he'd mentioned on so many occasions that his feelings were sincere and genuine and tried to assure me of it. Guess actions do speak louder than words.

I'm not certain that he'll contact me in the future, though. He was already rather distant that last week toward the end of it all due to his ex's party and how he realized he's not ready, etc. He was very inconsistent then and it took quite long for him to even remember that I existed (e.g. took a long time to reply to a text and apologized with a lame excuse of going out with friends the night before, or only thought of me when he saw a FB update from me, never confirmed details of the last date for two days until I asked if we're still on), which was very unlike him when things were great. It just showed that his head and heart were not in it anymore, and keeping in touch with me had become a chore. Now that we're done, the thought of me has probably been thrown out of the window a long time ago... sigh.

November 23, 2015

I'd gotten close to a guy I met online over the last month or so and although I had my guard up at the beginning due to so many previous heartbreaks, he surprised me by being consistent, attentive, and caring the entire time, and I could check all the boxes on any one of those lists of "signs that he's really into you." We both agreed that we're amazingly in sync and that we click so well and so effortlessly. He'd been hinting about things getting serious, assuring me that this is genuine, showing me pictures of his past and his family, and he's introduced me to a group of his close friends once. I got my hopes up.

It all unravelled a week earlier when I noticed that he'd been a bit distant for a few days. Finally the last time we met he admitted that he recently ran into his ex and it reminded him of how she cheated on him with his best friend and that it still hurts like hell. So it made him realize that he's still not over that betrayal since he's one of those sensitive and emotional dudes. It's been about six months since their breakup and they were together for over two years. I'd never seen him so tortured and confused like that.

In the end he said he doesn't want me to be his rebound girl and that I'm such a nice/amazing/smart/beautiful girl and that he cares about me and he'd never imagined he'd met someone like me so soon. He said we could be friends, etc. and that he needs space and time to work on getting himself back together. This really hurts for me. I didn't see this coming and now I'm starting to question if he was even that interested in me in the first place, which he assured me that it was not an act. It hurts also to see that he wanted to end something so promising, although he did say who knows maybe down the road when he feels better we'll connect again. But now I don't know if he really likes me back or is just trying to soften the blow and let me down easily. We haven't talked at all since we parted ways last time and it's so hard to think that I'm having a hard time erasing memories of him while he may not even care about me that much...

This is the classic rebound situation -- the guy "thinks" he's ready to move on. He throws himself into a new dating scenario, is enjoying the attention/distraction from the pain and at some point (in this case, seeing his ex again), his ability to focus on the new situation breaks down. It doesn't mean he didn't like you, but he's not in a mental position to fully invest himself and focus on you.

This is the reason for managing your emotions and expectations for quite some time in a new dating scenario. It came to light that he wasn't ready for a new relationship, that's all. It's only be a month or so, and actually less, because you noticed a week earlier he was becoming distant. So, maybe all told, it's more like 3 weeks? Better to find out now than a couple of more months down the road.

Don't take it personally. You haven't been with him long enough for it to be "personal". He's being honest and upfront with you and you should thank him for that and move on.

November 23, 2015

Don't do that. He's asked you for space right now. Don't make him have to be nasty with you for you to hear what he is saying.

I'd block him on FB--otherwise, you will never move on if you're creeping his page.

A Todd Rundgren song comes to mind: Parallel Lines. "face the fact, some things never come together; parallel lines swirling on forever..." Sometimes, things just don't work out for a myriad of reasons.

Maintain your grace and don't succumb to desperation thinking/gameplaying. He doesn't want to give you the kind of attention you're after.

This isn't logical like thought. This is his heart and he has not done the work he needed to do to defragment his emotions. He tried to short circuit the grief process by distracting himself with you. When his test came along--seeing his ex--grief landed on his head because he wasn't where he should have been--in a state of indifference towards her. He realized that he has to submit himself to the grief process and go through it and not around it.

Don't spit on him for treating you with respect. What he did is far better than what he could have done: use you, but never choose you. You want a man to choose you willingly, willfully and enthusiastically.

Thanks for this. I agree that he probably thought getting into a new relationship with someone new would help him heal but unfortunately it turned out not to be the case. Looking back I definitely feel like he actually "downplayed" the amount of time he'd been broken up with his ex:

1. When we first started going out in September he told me that it'd been about six months, which I thought was around March or so.

2. Then in the end he said they broke it off in May. However, one of his FB profile photos was a picture of them together on the girl's birthday in early June.

3. He said they lived together back then, but he only moved into his current apartment in late August/early September, which led me to think that they were still living together throughout the summer probably. That's not a clean cut at all.

So in a sense, he probably started dating me only two or three weeks after the more official split. Geez.

Also, I just feel like he's the kind of person who usually has a hard time letting something go. He's probably still holding on to some old memories or even FB stalking her. Or maybe when the girl is lonely she'd get in touch with him reliving some moments and he's be weak all over again. I think the healing should come from within; no burning old photos or throwing out old things would help if you can't move on in your heart.

November 23, 2015

This is the classic rebound situation -- the guy "thinks" he's ready to move on. He throws himself into a new dating scenario, is enjoying the attention/distraction from the pain and at some point (in this case, seeing his ex again), his ability to focus on the new situation breaks down. It doesn't mean he didn't like you, but he's not in a mental position to fully invest himself and focus on you.

This is the reason for managing your emotions and expectations for quite some time in a new dating scenario. It came to light that he wasn't ready for a new relationship, that's all. It's only be a month or so, and actually less, because you noticed a week earlier he was becoming distant. So, maybe all told, it's more like 3 weeks? Better to find out now than a couple of more months down the road.

Don't take it personally. You haven't been with him long enough for it to be "personal". He's being honest and upfront with you and you should thank him for that and move on.

Agreed. Well, just feel like I once again lost it to timing since I really thought there was something there this time. Like I said, I didn't feel a spark at the beginning like I did with some others in the past so I thought this wouldn't turn into anything yet I decided to give it a chance since there were no red flags either; however, his consistency and attentiveness over time won me over, and I'd slowly gotten to see our compatibility and chemistry. We dated from mid-September to early November so I guess I can say it's a bit more a month.

It's come to a point where I realize most men who go for online dating probably all have some sort of baggage or are recently out of a relationship and just trying to distract themselves from the loneliness. It's such a crap shoot.

November 23, 2015

Agreed. Well, just feel like I once again lost it to timing since I really thought there was something there this time. Like I said, I didn't feel a spark at the beginning like I did with some others in the past so I thought this wouldn't turn into anything yet I decided to give it a chance since there were no red flags either; however, his consistency and attentiveness over time won me over, and I'd slowly gotten to see our compatibility and chemistry. We dated from mid-September to early November so I guess I can say it's a bit more a month.

It's come to a point where I realize most men who go for online dating probably all have some sort of baggage or are recently out of a relationship and just trying to distract themselves from the loneliness. It's such a crap shoot.

It's always a crapshoot -- OLD or "real life". You don't know what/who you've got until "you take a bite". It's just part of the process. Getting to know someone takes time. If you're not willing to put time into it, and be able to accept it when you realize or find out that it's not going to go further, you aren't going to find anyone ever. It's the cost of doing "business" (dating).

Manage your emotions and expectations for quite some time in a new dating scenario. "There were no red flags" -- there usually aren't . . . until . . . there are

January 15, 2016

I know this is an old thread and I've received some excellent response on this, but I'd just like to provide some updates.

I hate to sound like a loser but I find it hard to get over the whole situation, and it's been a little over two months already. I've been through rejections in the past and it never took more than a few days/weeks to get over it (especially in cases where I knew it just wouldn't work although it stings a little bit) so I don't know what's with this case that's so tough for me to move on. I've made a lot of progress in that now that I'm no long involved I've been able to do some thinking and I am able to piece a lot of things together and some things from back then - and even him as a person - are making more sense to me now. The only explanation I can offer about my current state of mind is that I felt no "closure" from it, despite a clear "excuse" on his end about his past; I still can't believe how something can unravel like that when it was going so well and the connection was so real (admitted by us both). I refuse to believe that he was never interested in me in the first place because I'd dated guys who weren't truly interested and it's usually very obvious.

What's even more frustrating about this is that perhaps he's completely forgotten about me already and is moving on very well. To give myself some credit, I haven't reached out to him at all during these two months since he broke things off. I uploaded some new photos to my online dating profile a few weeks ago and later noticed that he'd checked them out and clicked on my profile (we met on that site). That's about it.

Sorry for sounding so hopeless...

January 15, 2016

I'd gotten close to a guy I met online over the last month or so and although I had my guard up at the beginning due to so many previous heartbreaks, he surprised me by being consistent, attentive, and caring the entire time, and I could check all the boxes on any one of those lists of "signs that he's really into you." We both agreed that we're amazingly in sync and that we click so well and so effortlessly. He'd been hinting about things getting serious, assuring me that this is genuine, showing me pictures of his past and his family, and he's introduced me to a group of his close friends once. I got my hopes up.

It all unravelled a week earlier when I noticed that he'd been a bit distant for a few days. Finally the last time we met he admitted that he recently ran into his ex and it reminded him of how she cheated on him with his best friend and that it still hurts like hell. So it made him realize that he's still not over that betrayal since he's one of those sensitive and emotional dudes. It's been about six months since their breakup and they were together for over two years. I'd never seen him so tortured and confused like that.

In the end he said he doesn't want me to be his rebound girl and that I'm such a nice/amazing/smart/beautiful girl and that he cares about me and he'd never imagined he'd met someone like me so soon. He said we could be friends, etc. and that he needs space and time to work on getting himself back together. This really hurts for me. I didn't see this coming and now I'm starting to question if he was even that interested in me in the first place, which he assured me that it was not an act. It hurts also to see that he wanted to end something so promising, although he did say who knows maybe down the road when he feels better we'll connect again. But now I don't know if he really likes me back or is just trying to soften the blow and let me down easily. We haven't talked at all since we parted ways last time and it's so hard to think that I'm having a hard time erasing memories of him while he may not even care about me that much...

He ran into his ex and still has feelings for her. If he jumps into another relationship now, it will be a rebound. 6 months is not enough time to get over a 2 year relationship.

Sometimes a person will "think" they are ready to date again and move too quickly and at some point they realize that and back off.

That being said, had you two been intimate yet and when did it happen, if it happened?

January 15, 2016

This is the classic rebound situation -- the guy "thinks" he's ready to move on. He throws himself into a new dating scenario, is enjoying the attention/distraction from the pain and at some point (in this case, seeing his ex again), his ability to focus on the new situation breaks down. It doesn't mean he didn't like you, but he's not in a mental position to fully invest himself and focus on you.

This is the reason for managing your emotions and expectations for quite some time in a new dating scenario. It came to light that he wasn't ready for a new relationship, that's all. It's only be a month or so, and actually less, because you noticed a week earlier he was becoming distant. So, maybe all told, it's more like 3 weeks? Better to find out now than a couple of more months down the road.

Don't take it personally. You haven't been with him long enough for it to be "personal". He's being honest and upfront with you and you should thank him for that and move on.

Hey RH......you always speak about *managing* emotions...can you provide some ways in which to do that in a healthy way?

It's one thing to say it, but how to actually do it?

I know for me, when I feel emotional ....it's like a storm....I just have to experience the emotions, in all their glory, let them run their course till they pass.

It would be nice to learn ways to combat those negative emotions though....when that start up ....head them off in their track so to speak.

Since my break up....they seem to be creeping up on me quite a bit.....wreaking havoc on my sensitive psyche.....ugh!

Any help would be appreciated....

Edited January 15, 2016 by katiegrl

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What did he mean that he doesn't want this to be a rebound deal and he's not ready?

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