Arabellad25 Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 Hi all, I've been dating a guy 6 months and he is perfect, I'm 28 - he's 40, neither of us have children and we're both ready to settle. He asked me to move in so we got our own place & moved in at the weekend.. So fantastic - I love him a lot and so want this to work as he is a genuinely great guy that cares for me a lot and after some pretty horrible past experiences man am I ready for this. I have a high sex drive. I always have and 2 months ago we went from being at it like all new couples do to maybe 2 / 3 times a week. ( I would be more 2/3 times a day if I had my way but I know that's my drive so didn't let the sex drying up slightly bother me at all ) A few weeks ago he handed me a towel to dry some of his "love juice" ha off me after sex, I noticed it was obviously his man towel he uses after masturbating but that really didn't bother me at all as I know masturbating is totally normal ... But then I noticed that it was moved every day, so he has obviously been masturbating daily. This shocked me a bit and I thought it was a bit of a shame he would pleasure himself daily rather than even have a quicky. Again I tried to be understanding and just thought oh well I better drop in at some point I have a really high sex drive and see how he reacts... Now before I had chance to do this, A few days later he handed me his phone to search the Internet and his Google history drop down came up with teen sluts / teen slags / British teen sluts and he has seriously been looking at porn daily - videos and pictures.... Excessively. It's not just a couple of videos it's intense. He works from home so has the time. It's been grating me ever since and it's awful as I now find myself tracking when we have sex and getting irritated. We moved in together this weekend and on the Friday he was asking me some questions whilst we were out surrounding our sex life and I told him I have an incredibly high sex drive and would be having sex 2/3 times a day if possible but wouldn't expect him to have the same drive. He said that was great to know as sometimes he was unsure I was in the mood and I felt great about the conversation. The reason he brought it up is because that morning I had initiated sex and he had tried but lost his election.. I knew it was most likely due to masturbating a lot over the past few days as I'd seen his history. The next day was the move and once in and sorted he sat in the living room while I got ready to go for drinks, then we went out and had a nice evening... When we got home after he was straight on his phone which was unusual and after 20 minutes of me lying there just waiting for some conversation I got irritated and left the room ( this isn't like us, we haven't had one argument yet ) he came straight down and I explained I was cross at it seemed he has changed and was on his phone a lot, I said I didn't want to talk but let him know I was cross. The next morning he brought it up and I explained I was tired after the move and we sorted it. Few!!! Now still no sex since the failure on Friday it was Sunday morning and I couldn't help but check up on his history ( bad I know ) - but he had been looking at porn while I was getting ready ( not masturbating as he was sat in the living room ) and then again when we got home to bed and he was on his phone. What do I do here guys? I think he has a serious porn addiction and I would rather not know as it will bug the hell out of me wondering if he is getting his rocks off to some teen while I'm hungry for it. - also the type of girls he searches are all young girls / amateur selfies. Like young teens.. He even uses the word chav to search a lot and we are both the total opposite ( to any Americans it's a word used to describe young working class women that probably dress a bit innapropriatey ) we always laugh about chavs on a personal basis so I just don't get it. What should I do? I really don't want him to know I was snooping. I have suggested watching porm with him even prior to knowing all of this as I genuinely enjoy it but he seems conpleteley uninterested in that.. He says its for couples who are bored. Ugh I really love him but I'm not sure how to deal with this as I don't want him to know I saw his history and make an issue out of it.. I'd just quite like if he cut down on the porn / shared his porn with me more often and saved some of his sex drive for the bedroom. When we have sex after a few days I now don't feel like he's enjoying it as much as he should as he probably got himself off a few hours earlier Ugh can anyone help in how to get more attention than his porn thing?
empresario Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 Porn can be a serious addiction...to the point men get dysfunction from it. Look up porn induced erectile dysfunction. Also know that not all dysfunction is "not being able to get it up". It could be porn has changed his pathways to enjoy that stimulation more than actual sex. It's very common. You know, there's nothing wrong with discussing your sex life with him. Don't tell him you were snooping; there's no need to do that. Just ask him how often he masturbates. If he's a good, honest guy he would probably tell you as most sexually adjusted people aren't shameful of their sexuality. After that, you can discuss what the real problem is. A lot of times that will take you asking why several times. If he truly does like self-serving more than sex with you...then that's something you have to decide if that's right for you. Side note: I have heard the "I hate that he is probably not as into it" or "he isn't as horny because he masturbated" argument. While there's some truth to testosterone, dopamine, etc. building up over time (specifically when you sleep), most well-adjusted men aren't like that. After the refractory period you are just as into it as you were before once things get going. You just may not seek it out as frequently. 1
oberkeat Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 (edited) I continue to be amazed that there are so many so-called men out there who would rather look at online porn than have sex with their girlfriends. You have a right to be upset. Edited November 16, 2015 by oberkeat 4
Author Arabellad25 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 Hey empresario. Thanks for your resoonse. I'm really hoping this doesn't reach a point of it seriously effecting his performance. In terms of duscussing our sex life I really have no problem doing so & after the issue last week he was the one to bring it up & we discussed some things quite openly. Hopefully me explaining I have a high sex drive and possibly dropping a few more hints may give him the hint that I'd like more sex & he can do with that information as he pleases. I'm just keen not to ever come across needy or invasive.. But worry that this will really start to become an issue and internal battle I have not to keep check on everything in terms of his porn habit and our actual sex life, I feel like in the long run it may make me resentful & that's such a destructive emotion in a relationship. We have discussed mssturbation previously. He spoke of his best friend who I see regularly telling me he is addicted to porn and we discussed it as though it was somewhat bizzarre AS at one point he didn't sleep with his wife for 6 months. I wonder if this was more a reflection of his own behaviour as he is 40 so must have had this habit for a long time. Or I wonder if his best friend having common interests maybe they make each other feel better about it all, I don't know? When we first started dating I asked him how often he masturbates and he insinuated he waited until he saw me again ( this was early on so may have been true ) and I told him mssturbation was normal so we are quite open.. I just feel this is his secret and I wouldn't want to embarrass him by letting on I know. Ugh but I also would like my own needs met more if possible, and I'm not keen on competing with little teen sluts as I do consider myself attractive and sexy but I certainly can't change my age
empresario Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 Hey empresario. Thanks for your resoonse. I'm really hoping this doesn't reach a point of it seriously effecting his performance. In terms of duscussing our sex life I really have no problem doing so & after the issue last week he was the one to bring it up & we discussed some things quite openly. Hopefully me explaining I have a high sex drive and possibly dropping a few more hints may give him the hint that I'd like more sex & he can do with that information as he pleases. I'm just keen not to ever come across needy or invasive.. But worry that this will really start to become an issue and internal battle I have not to keep check on everything in terms of his porn habit and our actual sex life, I feel like in the long run it may make me resentful & that's such a destructive emotion in a relationship. We have discussed mssturbation previously. He spoke of his best friend who I see regularly telling me he is addicted to porn and we discussed it as though it was somewhat bizzarre AS at one point he didn't sleep with his wife for 6 months. I wonder if this was more a reflection of his own behaviour as he is 40 so must have had this habit for a long time. Or I wonder if his best friend having common interests maybe they make each other feel better about it all, I don't know? When we first started dating I asked him how often he masturbates and he insinuated he waited until he saw me again ( this was early on so may have been true ) and I told him mssturbation was normal so we are quite open.. I just feel this is his secret and I wouldn't want to embarrass him by letting on I know. Ugh but I also would like my own needs met more if possible, and I'm not keen on competing with little teen sluts as I do consider myself attractive and sexy but I certainly can't change my age Porn and fantasy have little to do with reality. What he wants to see in pornography isn't a reflection on you. Let's get that out of the way first. Secondly, this isn't his little secret or nuance. It's affecting you and your relationship. If you want to be with him, you are going to have to deal with this early before it does explode into something even bigger. Nothing ever got better by saying "let's just put this in the background and try to never discuss it". Perhaps he needs the wakeup call and would be thankful you're telling him a concern in the relationship (and how you could be happier). It sounds like he likes you. If he's as good of a guy as you say he should care about your concerns and happiness. 3
Author Arabellad25 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 Do you have any advice on how to bring this up without letting him know I was snooping as I really feel he wouldn't be honest about the masturbation. Not that he would be lying maliciously, just I'm sure he wouldn't admit to a problem without knowing I know ( hope that makes sense )
Buddhist Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 So let me get this right. You got miffed at him, and then refused to tell him what was on your mind and then the next morning made up some bull**** story to avoid the issue? All because you don't ever want to have an argument with him. That isn't going to cut it in a mature relationship. That will do more damage than just telling him what's on your mind. Here's my take on things. - He is aroused by something that is considered forbidden fruit to him. The age, most certainly is very inappropriate for a 40yr old man (socially I mean) and also he has a weird kind of fascination for a social circle he logically doesn't choose. It's little wonder he doesn't want to watch porn with you, since he thinks he's going to be judged for his tastes in it. This is not very unusual btw, most people's sexual fantasies revolve around things they reject in their regular lives. That's what makes it a fantasy, the feeling of indulging in something they shouldn't. - Do you ever initiate sex with him? And if so, how often? If you are just waiting for him to suddenly start initiating with you more often, that may never happen. It could be he doesn't want to 'dirty' what he considers a good relationship with you by adding his sexual lusts which he may partially reject into it. He could see you in a completely different light to the women on cam. Lets hope he does. Either way, you pretending everything is a-okay in the relationship sex wise while being silently resentful and now addicted to snooping in his phone, isn't going to do anything good for your relationship. 1
Author Arabellad25 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 Hi Buddhist. Thanks for your response & I agree your take is probably true so thanks for that. Your right though snooping is not good, I just didn't feel it right to have the conversation on our first morning waking up In our new place. I think your right I should bring this up but also as per a comment by another user I think telling him I saw his Google history search / history wouldn't be best... Do you have any idea from a male point of view how I could approach it with as little awkwardness as possible? I don't mind being direct as once I have made a decision to do something I will stand my ground but I mean, can you guys advise how to approach it and what outcome I should be looking for?
Author Arabellad25 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 Oh sorry and yes I do initiate - more so in the past few weeks as in all honesty knowing he is watching porn kind of makes me a bit hot / turned on so I tend to go for it. I'd say it's changed recently from 90% him when we were in the first few months.. Even 4 months in I got blown back a couple of times as he was tired so that put me off initiating a but however since the past week or so I've known about this porn thing I've initiated 4 times, one time he was tired.. Next morning was when he couldn't keep his etection ( only time it's ever happened ) the next time was the morning after I got a bit cross.. Although that was mutual he was hard and we were both initiating.. Then later that day I asked if he minded me masturbating, he said no then kind of joined in do not full sex. Theres a breakdown for u ha
Author Arabellad25 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 Oh and also in conversations surrounding likes and dislikes he has hinted that he wouldn't love being woken up with a bliwjob and sometimes moves my hand if I go to touch him without being hard which makes me a bit nervous to try, I feel like he does like to be in control most of the time. Which is fine with me I just wish it was more often. He also admitted he's more of a giver & had only had an orgasm once in his life through oral as I said I had noticed he didn't seem to interested in it. We both said the exact same thing, he sees receiving as pre sex and never fully relaxes into it as feels he has to perform after... So we said we make it a challenge, which I like!! I just feel he may get s bit bored half way through as he's used to quite a firm hand ( I guess I can combine go two and hope for a result )
SwordofFlame Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I continue to be amazed that there are so many so-called men out there who would rather look at online porn than have sex with their girlfriends. You have a right to be upset. Could these situations be all the more reason to determine if you're sexually compatible with your partner sooner rather than later?
RedRobin Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Date a guy closer to your own age and drive who doesn't have a fetish for teenagers or women who look like teenagers. Problem solved. 3
Ami1uwant Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Some thought here..... How is sex between you two...is it just missionary, are you willing to go flown? Do you get creative? How is he after sex...does he not like it and cleaning up afterwards like if he needs to use a condom? If he has to use one he msy not enjoy it as much. Has he ever initiated it with you and you rejected him?
Author Arabellad25 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 Hey, sex is ok. We never do missionary as he has a bad hip, so it's uncomfortable for him. Usually it's me in top at first or straight into doggy, occasionally other ways but it's difficult with his hip apparently. We ALAYS end in doggy, I've never experienced this before in any other relationships and get the impression he needs to be in that position. Yes I do initiate sometimes but were not as creative as I would like. We both go down but he will only let me do so for a short time before initiating intercourse. He knows I would be open to a much more adventurous sex life but it seems he is comfortable with what we have now. No, I've never rejected an advance from him.
Author Arabellad25 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 Some thought here..... How is he after sex...does he not like it and cleaning up afterwards like if he needs to use a condom? If he has to use one he msy not enjoy it as much. Oh and no we don't mind the mess at all, I use oral contraception and after sex we usually hug.. And relax a bit before cleaning up
Author Arabellad25 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 Could these situations be all the more reason to determine if you're sexually compatible with your partner sooner rather than later? Potentially but I hope not
dreamingoftigers Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Ugh the porn issue. You have no kids Together. Get out now. 2
Els Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 You absolutely need to talk to him, and I don't think you should make it about the porn. Rather, make it about your needs not being fulfilled. I mean, if you hadn't found the porn but just knew he was masturbating daily while you're being unfulfilled, would that have made everything okay? Likely not. It's very likely that he has a porn addiction and needs help, but the realization and admittance needs to come from him. So this way he has a chance to admit it and seek help. Frankly, if he claims nothing is wrong and doesn't want to talk about it or work on it, I'd bail. Lower libido is okay, but constantly choosing porn/masturbation over sex is not. In my books anyway. 2
Bagheera Kit Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Hi, are you opposed to him looking at porn or do you just not like that he spends more time with it than you? Would you consider watching porn with him? Is there a type of porn you both might like? If you really want to stay with him, I would suggest doing a little research into porn for yourself. Find something new that also turns you on or that you could get into. Bring THAT up to him, show him, watch it together, have fun with it. Show him that you're open minded and would like to watch it together. Ask him to introduce his own porn fantasies to play out. Hopefully he will open up to you soon afterward. If he's still hiding it, leave him. It won't ever get better. You'll stay with him, you'll just get older and he'll still be dreaming of teenagers. Best of luck to you.
Author Arabellad25 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 Hi, are you opposed to him looking at porn or do you just not like that he spends more time with it than you? Would you consider watching porn with him? Is there a type of porn you both might like? If you really want to stay with him, I would suggest doing a little research into porn for yourself. Find something new that also turns you on or that you could get into. Bring THAT up to him, show him, watch it together, have fun with it. Show him that you're open minded and would like to watch it together. Ask him to introduce his own porn fantasies to play out. Hopefully he will open up to you soon afterward. If he's still hiding it, leave him. It won't ever get better. You'll stay with him, you'll just get older and he'll still be dreaming of teenagers. Best of luck to you. Hi there, no I really don't mind him looking just wish he would share. I'm not prude at all and actually before finding all of this out I told him I'd enjoy watching porn with him... One evening I even sent him a video to his phone while I was in bed next to him and he watched a minute laughed then turned over and started watching tv. I don't know, maybe it makes him feel uncomfortable
Ruby Slippers Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 In my experience, the sex life that is established with your partner in the first 6 months or so is pretty much the best it's going to be. Talking about problem spots can positively impact it slightly, but never in my experience has it affected it dramatically. Basically, it is what it is. You have a man who would rather watch porn and masturbate than have sex with you a fair amount of the time. I'm sorry to say this isn't likely to change much. At best, it will improve slightly. So I think you're either going to have to accept it and stay, or accept that you can't accept it and go. At 28, I wouldn't make such major compromises with sexual compatibility. Unless he's your dream guy in every other respect, and you're willing to accept a sex life that's not so dreamy. 3
Sunlight72 Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Oh and also in conversations surrounding likes and dislikes he has hinted that he wouldn't love being woken up with a bliwjob and sometimes moves my hand if I go to touch him without being hard which makes me a bit nervous to try, I feel like he does like to be in control most of the time. Which is fine with me I just wish it was more often. He also admitted he's more of a giver & had only had an orgasm once in his life through oral as I said I had noticed he didn't seem to interested in it. We both said the exact same thing, he sees receiving as pre sex and never fully relaxes into it as feels he has to perform after... So we said we make it a challenge, which I like!! I just feel he may get s bit bored half way through as he's used to quite a firm hand ( I guess I can combine go two and hope for a result ) I'm about 2 months into a new relationship - I'm a 44 year old man, she's a 46 year old woman. I'd never climaxed from oral - but have twice with her. I've previously been pretty shy about my sausage when it's not hard, and wouldn't let a woman touch it until I was already hard. New woman just grabs it, puts it in her mouth, rubs up against me, and guess what? It gets hard and happy. Don't be quite so worried about what he wants/doesn't want. Do what turns you on more. Sometimes the first time is not enough to know it's OK as a guy (like to be intimate before you're hard), but the third time or fifth time lets you know it wasn't an oversight, this woman is just happy to get her hands on you- Wow! Great! As to how to bring up any sexual thing, my new girlfriend just brings stuff up. She asked me about porn, and she told me she doesn't like it. I've been away from it for about 4 months anyway, but since she doesn't like it I'm just leaving it be for the foreseeable future. She also asked how often I like to have sex - I said (kind of joking) 8 times a week or so. She said, jeez! Well, alright, let's shoot for 10 so you don't miss the porn. It's fun, she's fun, she's direct, and between knowing her preferences, work/life and her casually flirting/mentioning sexual things and being pretty happy to have sex at the drop of a belt, it's easy for me to leave the porn out. Just some news from the male side of a relationship. I suggest you talk about things when you're not emotionally cranked up, and keep it casual & simple if it's comfortable for you. Best Wishes, Sunlight 1
stillafool Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Have you thought about dressing like a chav and seducing him? 1
smackie9 Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Girl you are 28 years old with plenty of years being in your sexual prime....he is near his end, so why do you waste your time? older men over time lose their libido, their erection time between sessions takes longer, going soft, losing erection, etc. The porn is a crutch to get aroused, let that be a warning to you that he will not be able to keep up to your demand...he will keep getting older, and keep slowing down. You are better off finding yourself a young buck with lots of stamina to last through the nightly grinding. I get you are in love, but you will eventually find out there is more to feelings that sustains a relationship for the long haul. 3
Odinani Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Why did you decide to move in with him so early in the relationship?
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