Glitters Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Each to his own but , it IS possible to have strong emotional attachment , feelings to grow without actually doing the deed. If the desire/ urge is there. You can't force attraction. It's either there or not but if it's there , sexual thoughts , desire is also there , except , it's not consummated at that point , rather later. Read my previous reply. My current husband and I waited and it was a blast when we actually did We acknowledged that we both wanted to but shouldn't. OTOH, yes, most men want to do the deed first then think about relationship long term but wise women should wait and if the guy has good intentions , he too will, rather than manipulate.
Author lilyliz Posted February 20, 2016 Author Posted February 20, 2016 Back here! I just want to tell how it's going to maybe help some other desperate people out there. After the break he clearly hadn't thought about the situation, so I got mad and told him how I really thoight about us (that this what people are looking for but rarely find). I gave him new thinking time, we texted and stuff but didn't see each other. After about a month I askes what he thinks. He said I was right, and that he wants to give his best shot to this. So we changed our relationship from very much "just friends" to more couple like -> finally kissed etc. It took about 2 weeks and he told me he has feelings for me; he is infatuated and he deeply likes me and cares about me. Now he's ready for a relationship and has asked me to meet his parents. I was kinda expecting this to happen, not this quivkly thought. I'm bit nervous that he doesn't rush with this, so now I'm the one who asks to take it more slowly. I want to trust this relationship a bit more before I tell everyone. But anyway, I'm happy. I followed my instincts and it worked. It seems that when you "just know" you really can follow them. Long and hurtful process, but he's definitelly worth it. We are pretty much best friends and truly know each other. We are really excited about each other. I courage everyone togive their best shot even if the situation seems hopeless. It seems that anything can happen
Author lilyliz Posted February 20, 2016 Author Posted February 20, 2016 FWIW, you guys are getting emotionally attached without even realizing it. It's easier to break away when its more sex and less emotions. Here, more emotions/feelings and I promise , if/when you guys do have sex, it will explode! . Pheh, you were right!
Els Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 (edited) While 'infatuation' in and of itself does not make a good LTR, it is an important start to one IMO. Just picking someone who's good on paper and whom you feel nothing for feels so soulless, so empty. It's no different from an arranged marriage in that case. Which is fine for some, if they desire marriage for practical purposes. But not for those who truly desire to be in love with the person they are with. Also, it's a myth that you don't feel anything after you're in a stable LTR. Lots of happy couples who have been together for years or decades still feel attraction, desire, and 'infatuation' for their partners/spouses. Of course, this is assuming normal and healthy levels of 'infatuation', not the excessive variety. I think this guy has given you your answer very clearly, you should seek other guys who will actually feel something for you instead of trying to convince him to change his mind. (Edit: Ah, okay, just read your update. Well, I do wish you the best, but I am concerned for you. I hope you will have the strength to leave if he shows himself to be lukewarm about your R. I've never encountered a happy LTR where the guy had to be persuaded into coupling up, but I do hope you will be the first.) Edited February 20, 2016 by Elswyth 1
Author lilyliz Posted February 21, 2016 Author Posted February 21, 2016 : Ah, okay, just read your update. Well, I do wish you the best, but I am concerned for you. I hope you will have the strength to leave if he shows himself to be lukewarm about your R. I've never encountered a happy LTR where the guy had to be persuaded into coupling up, but I do hope you will be the first.) I don't want your concern, I'm not an idiot. I have had my feet on the ground for months now. The decession to give this best shot wasn't that he said he can do it, it was a long discussion where we talked about the rules and limits and feeligs and what we want for relationship (very much the same thing). After we had found a conclusion that both liked we decided to try. And then the feelings grew from deep friendship and caring to this. I didn't persuade him to couple up with me, I told him I will break my friendship to him completely if he doesn't try me. Because I can't be friends to someone like that. And now he's the one who wants to couple up with me but I want to wait. This is big deal for both of us and I don't want to rush now. I know it sounds weird story but I really know this guy and after everything we've been through we have never stop liking each other. I rather give my all to a guy who deserves it and who I truly like, who truly fills my wishes and is everything I look for, than date randomly different guys for months and then decide who I dislike least.
elaine567 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I don't want your concern, I'm not an idiot. I have had my feet on the ground for months now. The decession to give this best shot wasn't that he said he can do it, it was a long discussion where we talked about the rules and limits and feeligs and what we want for relationship (very much the same thing). After we had found a conclusion that both liked we decided to try. And then the feelings grew from deep friendship and caring to this. I didn't persuade him to couple up with me, I told him I will break my friendship to him completely if he doesn't try me. Because I can't be friends to someone like that. And now he's the one who wants to couple up with me but I want to wait. This is big deal for both of us and I don't want to rush now. I know it sounds weird story but I really know this guy and after everything we've been through we have never stop liking each other. I rather give my all to a guy who deserves it and who I truly like, who truly fills my wishes and is everything I look for, than date randomly different guys for months and then decide who I dislike least. I genuinely hope it all works out, but my reservations stem from the fact you sort of bulldozed him into this and whilst you have written the narrative and are now living YOUR narrative, is that truly what HE wants. Time will tell. But better I guess taking a bull you know by the horns, than waiting expectantly on the street corner for a bull to just happen to pass by. 3
Author lilyliz Posted February 21, 2016 Author Posted February 21, 2016 I genuinely hope it all works out, but my reservations stem from the fact you sort of bulldozed him into this and whilst you have written the narrative and are now living YOUR narrative, is that truly what HE wants. Time will tell. But better I guess taking a bull you know by the horns, than waiting expectantly on the street corner for a bull to just happen to pass by. I didn't "bulldoze" him, if I had I would have made a move long ago. We were seeing each other as friends and every time either of us tried to end it we came back together. Now I have many times asked that this is really what he wants and if his feelings are real; he has directly told me he can't be forced to anything and what has happened now has grown inside of him. The only missing thing earlier was the lack of infatuation, hormonal rush, he really liked and cared about me also earlier. He didn't dare to try me because he was afraid he wouldn't get the hormonal rush and that would hurt me and ruin what we had. But now that we tried he got the hormonal rush and "infatuation" very quickly. So now we have all the pieces. I'm still reserved, but I wanted to give information how this is going, because success stories are so rare and when I was desperate I didn't find them. But this is my result: if you and your date are really a good match, and truly like each other, the infatuation might come also after long time. In our case both of us had very little experience, at first he wasn't completely over his ex and not sure what he wanted. We both had to grow up a bit in this and find out what we really want. Long and hard process, but I don't regret it. I keep updating if I remember.
Els Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I didn't persuade him to couple up with me, I told him I will break my friendship to him completely if he doesn't try me. You don't think an ultimatum is similar to (or worse than) persuasion? Honestly. If you have to give someone an ultimatum for them to even agree to try being in a R with you, that is a very very bad start IMO. A person who is romantically interested in you does not need to be threatened with NC to agree to be your boyfriend. It really sounds to me like you are trying to push a square peg into a round hole. I hope for your sake that my misgivings turn out to be untrue. 2
Author lilyliz Posted February 21, 2016 Author Posted February 21, 2016 It wasn't ultimatum ah.. it's hard to explain. It's more like.. the ending of te movie "He's just not that into you". Or "What if" without the boyfriend, or "500 days of summer" with happy ending. This is a guy who doesn't fake it or do what he doesn't want, if he did he had tried me already earlier. I have said now million times that I'm keeping my feet on the ground about this, just to gain more trust. But honestly reading how everyone is here telking me to end it makes me propably ruin it myself. We both are weird persons, this was our way, the speed dating and rush loves can end quickly too. But seriously; you guys think I should have kept my friendship with him? To keep myself in eternal pain? I told him we can't be friends because I'm not gonna be able to do that. He told me it would suck to see me with another man and he would keep thinking "what if..". And that it seems unlikely he could ever meet someone like me. I'm sure if he didn't have feelings he would have told me. I was expecting the "test" to last months, but it took only few weeks and he felt it. I was surprised. I gave him lot of time to concider me and to be sure about his feelings, pretty sure if he hadn't them now we would be still on the "test" mode. Not gonna ruin this because of ou guys, found my soulmate, I know what was behind his lack of infatuation, and now I'm gonna keep my cool but still enjoy it as lobg as it lasts. If you guys can't tell when someone is faking it, I would tell you to find someone new. I was trying to bring positive end to give hope and you guys are trying our best to make it negative
thecrucible Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Don't take the internet too seriously. No one knows what's really going on, everyone is just giving their own take. I've had lots of crap from people on the internet who don't know my true circumstances but I've had lots of help too. You just have to take things with a pinch of salt and go by your own decision. If you are sure about it, you don't need internet strangers to confirm that decision to you. Hope all goes well.
Leigh 87 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Doesn't it bother you that he fell head over heels with other girls and he didn't fall hard for you? He felt more intense emotions for other women than be does for you. With you it's all about what is good on paper and he grew to love you. He isn't IN love with you. He is going to find a girl one day that he falls so hard for and be will either cheat or end things with you. I find it sad that you don't need a bf to be enamoured with you.
katiegrl Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 lily, fwiw, I am very happy for you ...for both of you! Often times, men don't know what they want or how they feel .... until it's gone! That is why you walked away, to give him time to think....to give him an opportunity to miss you and to get in touch with his feelings, this makes complete sense to me. The road to true love never did run smooth, and there are often bumps and hurdles along the way. ...what's important is the end result. And the end result here is that he missed you, realized how much he cares, and realized feelings (infatuation), that may have been there the whole time, but had not realized them yet. It took you WALKING AWAY for him to realize!. Wish you guys the best as you move forward. Good luck!
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