Can you fall in love with "perfect match" without early infatuation?

[lilyliz]

So, here's a long story of my current situation.

 

I met this guy little over a year ago, and it took me about 6 months to realize he would be perfect for me that I was really interested in him. We weren't too familiar to each other but after I told him I was interested in him he asked me out and told me he was interested in me too.

 

First couple dates went great. I wasn't really sure how I felt, but I still wanted to see him and he wanted to see me. After about 4 dates he went to a long trip that lasted almost a month. During this time I noticed that I really missed him, and we texted a lot. Somehow when he came back, he didn't seem so interested in me anymore. Still we kept seeing for 2 months, about once in a week or in 2 weeks. We had always fun, our dates were very casual and we just talked for hours. At this time I started to see this wasn't going anywhere. We hadn't kissed or even hugged, actually I had never even touched him. I'm not the kind of girl who does these first, but he didn't seem to want to try those either.

 

Finally I asked and he told me he didn't feel infatuation towards me. He told me he had had at least one almost a year lasting relationship, which had started because he felt the infatuation towards the girl but it had ended after the infatuation had faded since they hadn't really had anything in common. He felt really frustrated he didn't feel this rush towards me, since I matched his criteria about "ideal woman" and he also thought we clicked. He said he didn't really have anyone in his life whose company he enjoyed as much and who he liked to talk to and listen to so much. So we decided we continue dating, but we could date others too if we found someone.

 

After this we finally visited each others homes, and the "dates" became even more relaxed, we talked about everything and laughed a lot. It started to seem like we had known each other for ages, we noticed we shared pretty much all of our interests and that we were very much alike - more than people usually are. I started to feel he probably had some feelings for me too, I noticed he made small changes in his life to "match me" (like started to go to gym, using helmet while biking and eating foods I liked etc) and he was always really thoughtful and looked me the way he didn't normally look at people. I noticed he acts differently around me than other people, he seems usually very calm and kinda straight-faced, but with me he somehow always became his "true self" - revealing his childish habits and cute sides and cracking jokes and goofing around etc. We could spend hours together just talking about everything, it started to feel like if I knew his family and he knew mine. Even though we had always clicked and had fun, now I felt we had some kind of deep relationship and we actually knew and cared about each other. He told me things I did were "endearing" and stuff like that.

 

Still, nothing. We had hugged few times, but still nothing romantic. I asked if he dated someone else - he replayed no. I asked if I was in his friend zone - he replayed he replayed he didn't know, maybe a little since it had now been 5 months since we started to "date" each other and he still didn't feel infatuation towards me. He told me he cared about me a lot and he felt more attached towards me than to other friends, and that I felt familiar to him and he felt very natural to be with me. He said he loved to spend time with me and talk to me. He said he cares me a lot and he doesn't want to make a move and try if his feelings would grow later, since he's afraid they wouldn't and he would end up hurting me. He told that even though it bothers him a bit that I have feelings towards him, he still wants to keep seeing me and that I'm an important person to him. He said he hasn't decided that he "can't ever fall for me" since those things can't be decided but he doesn't want us to stay uncertain forever and he doesn't want me to waste my time. So we decided that we'll let the "life flow" and that we'd keep hanging out together since it's such a joy for both of us.

 

But for now, I told him I'd like us to take a break from seeing each other and texting each other. The break is not going to be too long, but I want him to have time to think what it feels to be without me in his life (even though we didn't see each other too often we texted to each other daily) and I want to somehow cool my feelings. So we're on this break right now, and I don't really know what to do. He meets every criteria I ever had for men, and I honestly don't think this kind of match will hit me twice. I know this feeling of our match is something we both share, perhaps like we're soulmates or something. And this is why I don't want to lose him. I don't think I can ever find even a friend who I feel so natural and good with, but I'm afraid I'll end up really hurt later. I don't think he will go find new woman right away since he enjoys being alone too, but of course I fear that the huge feeling will hit him again with someone who probably isn't even so good for him, and he'll just blindly go with that again.

 

I don't really know what to do. I don't want to lose him, I don't think my feelings will fade, but I feel that it's probably physiologically impossible for his brain to make him fall for me. What do you guys think? Can a person fall for someone slowly if he feels the match and chemistry and attachment? Am I a total idiot for thinking deep in my mind that this kind of feeling and match should be a base for long-term relationship rather than huge and blind infatuation that fades after a while?

 

Sorry the post is long but this is complex.

[Redfisher]

Am I wrong in thinking you want him because he really does not want you?

I dunno he seems off to me....Like gawd he should have kissed you at least..

[casey.lives]

he asked you out, you said yes.. infatuation dead. you have to play hard to get .. a little.. some guys are sooooooooooo aggressive, it makes you think they want you but nope, there just extremely aggressive individuals period. extremely aggressive individuals should be avoided. Be wary and don't get confused.

[Glitters]

He is probably guarding himself from a past hurt.

 

Infatuation dies but the chemistry , understanding , care , they bond.

 

You guys have all the reasons to make a good long term relationship. It's also possible that he has turned that part of his brain shut out because he doesn't want to act on initial infatuation feelings which cloud our decisions. He could be falling in love with brain and trying to protect heart. But what he doesn't realize is that there will come a point when heart takes over all logic.

 

If you are reslly into the guy , keep him because you don't find people everyday with whom you click.

[lilyliz]

Am I wrong in thinking you want him because he really does not want you?

I dunno he seems off to me....Like gawd he should have kissed you at least..

 

Yes you are I want him since we click and he makes me feel the "best version of me" and I feel I'm making the same effect on him. I want him since I have had this list of things that I'd like to find in a guy but never really understood how they could be in one person - all of those things are in him. I want him because I feel we can talk about everything and that we found our weaknesses acceptable and endearing. I want him because I feel that he's my soulmate even though I don't believe in those.

 

He hasn't kissed me because he wants to feel the huge rush towards me, and he doesn't want to try things to lead me astray. I know he's honest to me, he has never lied to me and always answered even too honestly when I have asked something. Also this is one thing we also have in common; we don't mess around or have hook-ups or kiss whoever we can, it wasn't until 3 months or something when I personally started to feel I could kiss him. We're both slow.

[Redfisher]

Yes you are I want him since we click and he makes me feel the "best version of me" and I feel I'm making the same effect on him. I want him since I have had this list of things that I'd like to find in a guy but never really understood how they could be in one person - all of those things are in him. I want him because I feel we can talk about everything and that we found our weaknesses acceptable and endearing. I want him because I feel that he's my soulmate even though I don't believe in those.

 

He hasn't kissed me because he wants to feel the huge rush towards me, and he doesn't want to try things to lead me astray. I know he's honest to me, he has never lied to me and always answered even too honestly when I have asked something. Also this is one thing we also have in common; we don't mess around or have hook-ups or kiss whoever we can, it wasn't until 3 months or something when I personally started to feel I could kiss him. We're both slow.

 

OK, Well guess you have it figured out.....I wish you well my friend.

[lilyliz]

OK, Well guess you have it figured out.....I wish you well my friend.

 

Ahahaha, thanks

[casey.lives]

If you show respect towards someone... infatuation can blossom with anyone anytime, anywhere. RESPECT IS SOOOOOOOOOO IMPORTANT

[Buddhist]

What do you guys think? Can a person fall for someone slowly if he feels the match and chemistry and attachment? Am I a total idiot for thinking deep in my mind that this kind of feeling and match should be a base for long-term relationship rather than huge and blind infatuation that fades after a while?

 

Sorry the post is long but this is complex.

 

Its possible for relationships to happen that way, but not amoung young people unfortunately. Thats usually something that happens with people who've had a decade or two of disappointment and have got the rush out of their system. So I'm saying hanging in there is a waste of time for you. As soon as he feels it with someone else he will go there. It's the age group, time is on your side, its easy to decide to just keep looking. There is no desire to settle down now. You're friends and thats pretty much what you will always be.

[Redfisher]

Its possible for relationships to happen that way, but not amoung young people unfortunately. Thats usually something that happens with people who've had a decade or two of disappointment and have got the rush out of their system. So I'm saying hanging in there is a waste of time for you. As soon as he feels it with someone else he will go there. It's the age group, time is on your side, its easy to decide to just keep looking. There is no desire to settle down now. You're friends and thats pretty much what you will always be.

 

So sad but true...

[Leigh 87]

Most people are happier to have less things in common and to have infatuation and intense honeymoon feelings. Than what you have.

 

Not wanting together each others clothes off in five months is a pretty big indicator that there is only low desire from the two of you.

 

You have the perfect basis for a good friendship.

 

Look, I have personally found a boyfriend with whom I click so well with AND who I am infatuated with too. And him me. Some people get both.

 

Can you not hold out for true romance? I couldn't get over the fact this guy just....essentially isn't that attracted to me or into me romantically. I could never enjoy a ROMANTIC relationships knowing full well that my guy had much more intense feelings for prior women than he ever had for me............

[Leigh 87]

So, here's a long story of my current situation.

 

I met this guy little over a year ago, and it took me about 6 months to realize he would be perfect for me that I was really interested in him. We weren't too familiar to each other but after I told him I was interested in him he asked me out and told me he was interested in me too.

 

First couple dates went great. I wasn't really sure how I felt, but I still wanted to see him and he wanted to see me. After about 4 dates he went to a long trip that lasted almost a month. During this time I noticed that I really missed him, and we texted a lot. Somehow when he came back, he didn't seem so interested in me anymore. Still we kept seeing for 2 months, about once in a week or in 2 weeks. We had always fun, our dates were very casual and we just talked for hours. At this time I started to see this wasn't going anywhere. We hadn't kissed or even hugged, actually I had never even touched him. I'm not the kind of girl who does these first, but he didn't seem to want to try those either.

 

Finally I asked and he told me he didn't feel infatuation towards me. He told me he had had at least one almost a year lasting relationship, which had started because he felt the infatuation towards the girl but it had ended after the infatuation had faded since they hadn't really had anything in common. He felt really frustrated he didn't feel this rush towards me, since I matched his criteria about "ideal woman" and he also thought we clicked. He said he didn't really have anyone in his life whose company he enjoyed as much and who he liked to talk to and listen to so much. So we decided we continue dating, but we could date others too if we found someone.

 

After this we finally visited each others homes, and the "dates" became even more relaxed, we talked about everything and laughed a lot. It started to seem like we had known each other for ages, we noticed we shared pretty much all of our interests and that we were very much alike - more than people usually are. I started to feel he probably had some feelings for me too, I noticed he made small changes in his life to "match me" (like started to go to gym, using helmet while biking and eating foods I liked etc) and he was always really thoughtful and looked me the way he didn't normally look at people. I noticed he acts differently around me than other people, he seems usually very calm and kinda straight-faced, but with me he somehow always became his "true self" - revealing his childish habits and cute sides and cracking jokes and goofing around etc. We could spend hours together just talking about everything, it started to feel like if I knew his family and he knew mine. Even though we had always clicked and had fun, now I felt we had some kind of deep relationship and we actually knew and cared about each other. He told me things I did were "endearing" and stuff like that.

 

Still, nothing. We had hugged few times, but still nothing romantic. I asked if he dated someone else - he replayed no. I asked if I was in his friend zone - he replayed he replayed he didn't know, maybe a little since it had now been 5 months since we started to "date" each other and he still didn't feel infatuation towards me. He told me he cared about me a lot and he felt more attached towards me than to other friends, and that I felt familiar to him and he felt very natural to be with me. He said he loved to spend time with me and talk to me. He said he cares me a lot and he doesn't want to make a move and try if his feelings would grow later, since he's afraid they wouldn't and he would end up hurting me. He told that even though it bothers him a bit that I have feelings towards him, he still wants to keep seeing me and that I'm an important person to him. He said he hasn't decided that he "can't ever fall for me" since those things can't be decided but he doesn't want us to stay uncertain forever and he doesn't want me to waste my time. So we decided that we'll let the "life flow" and that we'd keep hanging out together since it's such a joy for both of us.

 

But for now, I told him I'd like us to take a break from seeing each other and texting each other. The break is not going to be too long, but I want him to have time to think what it feels to be without me in his life (even though we didn't see each other too often we texted to each other daily) and I want to somehow cool my feelings. So we're on this break right now, and I don't really know what to do. He meets every criteria I ever had for men, and I honestly don't think this kind of match will hit me twice. I know this feeling of our match is something we both share, perhaps like we're soulmates or something. And this is why I don't want to lose him. I don't think I can ever find even a friend who I feel so natural and good with, but I'm afraid I'll end up really hurt later. I don't think he will go find new woman right away since he enjoys being alone too, but of course I fear that the huge feeling will hit him again with someone who probably isn't even so good for him, and he'll just blindly go with that again.

 

I don't really know what to do. I don't want to lose him, I don't think my feelings will fade, but I feel that it's probably physiologically impossible for his brain to make him fall for me. What do you guys think? Can a person fall for someone slowly if he feels the match and chemistry and attachment? Am I a total idiot for thinking deep in my mind that this kind of feeling and match should be a base for long-term relationship rather than huge and blind infatuation that fades after a while?

 

Sorry the post is long but this is complex.

 

 

 

Men either fall fastback hard or they never fall head over heels over heels at all.

 

Where as women can not feel an immediate spark and yet still go on to developed intense feelings and infatuations.

 

Most men don't want to bypass the spark and head over heels feelings and get straight into companionate love....most people want to mutually go through the lovely dovey super just filled infatuation stage. It lasts up to 3 years and the part of the relationship where two people are overwhelmed with intense romantic feelings is simply a high most couples feel empty without experiencing.

 

You want to jump the line and have a relationship without an infatuation period. Don't don't. Trust me. One partner always ends up cheating because they want to chase the butterflies and fireworks they never had from YOUR *comfortable * relationship. They crave the passion. You're current situation lacks any passion. Passion makes you feel alive. Without that intensity, you are totally missing out on one of the major components if s relationship.Yes many people out too much emphasis on passion only to crash and burn after the infatuation period ends and they have nothing in common.

 

But both the right kind if chemistry (passion) AND compatability are EQUALLY important in fostering along term thing.........

[Odinani]

He's playing games. I suggest you cut him loose.

[kitty12345]

Yes you can

 

Passion, wanting to rip off clothes,etc. ----> hook-ups, flings,non serious relationships

 

Respect,love, chemistry,attachment ,etc ----> long term satisfaction

 

Ability to not act on impulse comes from maturity , what stage of life one is on, what they are wanting ( hook up or long term ), respect for oneself and other.

 

FWIW, some people are good at either not acting upon their impulses ( will power ) or good at not letting it on. He could be feeling to hop into bed with you but not letting it on to not ruin something good.Or he is feeling just friends.Which one is it, that you can basically see. Not acting upon is not same as when body response can give away.You can see in the intense eye gaze.Body language gives it away even if he is trying to supress it.

( I could be off base )

 

What do you want? If you want shorty term fling, tease him, seduce him.

For long term , you know what to !

[Leigh 87]

Yes you can

 

Passion, wanting to rip off clothes,etc. ----> hook-ups, flings,non serious relationships

 

Respect,love, chemistry,attachment ,etc ----> long term satisfaction

 

Ability to not act on impulse comes from maturity , what stage of life one is on, what they are wanting ( hook up or long term ), respect for oneself and other.

 

FWIW, some people are good at either not acting upon their impulses ( will power ) or good at not letting it on. He could be feeling to hop into bed with you but not letting it on to not ruin something good.Or he is feeling just friends.Which one is it, that you can basically see. Not acting upon is not same as when body response can give away.You can see in the intense eye gaze.Body language gives it away even if he is trying to supress it.

( I could be off base )

 

What do you want? If you want shorty term fling, tease him, seduce him.

For long term , you know what to !

 

 

I have dated a lot.

 

Long term relationshipa are a heck of a lot better when you do have the passion and want to rip each others clothes off.

 

Most people prefer to have both things you mentioned. ........

[Glitters]

I have dated a lot.

 

Long term relationshipa are a heck of a lot better when you do have the passion and want to rip each others clothes off.

 

Most people prefer to have both things you mentioned. ........

 

Most people do 'prefer' it but how long does it last when other aspects that keep a relationship going are not there?

 

Having a desire /urge and at the same time , controlling to not act upon it, is not easy. To build a solid foundation based on other aspects ( if looking for LTR serious ), is important.Then the sexual part is just another aspect that gets acted upon a bit later than earlier.

 

Some 'grow' to feel it.I guess that happens when other things that are important to them , are triggered and if they had not seen the person in that way before.

 

I met my second husband while going through my divorce. He was divorced a long time,single father and I with 2 kids. He helped me a lot with the divorce etc. We clicked like ' made for each other ' kinda. We kept off the sex part for a very long time till we both were 100% on other aspects and committed.We had to blend families etc.We both were in a stage of life that we wanted same things , sex would have just complicated everything. But when we finally did, it just added to everything and were glad that we waited.

 

Each to his/her own.I guess, it boils down to the age / wants in life .

[Eternal Sunshine]

Men fall in love differently than women. They need "the rush" and it's either there or it's not. Women can start to feel "the rush" once they have emotionally bonded.

 

OP you are wasting your time and emotions. You are investing into a man that will never return your feelings. Your confidence will erode and decrease even more in time and you will lose many opportunities in getting to know men that would want a relationship with you. Also, when he starts dating someone he is really "into" it will feel like death. Your smartest course of action is to wish him farewell, go no contact and start moving on with your life.

[kpl]

Briefly read through, so I might be wrong but it sounds like he isn't physically attracted to you or doesn't really have the maturity to understand the core things in a great relationship.

[lilyliz]

Briefly read through, so I might be wrong but it sounds like he isn't physically attracted to you or doesn't really have the maturity to understand the core things in a great relationship.

 

He has said he finds me attractive and there isn't really anything that isn't right for him in me. I know though that his ex was way prettier and sexier (I'm sorta tomboyish myself though I do use make up etc). I also believe they had alcohol involved and that she was more pushy than me. I have a feeling she probably flirted with him way more, whereas I have felt this connection to him and so felt like an idiot to even try to "seduce" him.

 

So I'd say your second note is correct, in my mind I'd like to find a person who I find "perfect" for me and get attached to him and then with trust spark the passion, while he thinks that the infatuatiom should come first, and after it has ended if he feels that we still share some good things then the relationship can last longer.

 

And to add, he has said me earlier that he doesn't want to jump to some romance with me or sleep with me because he finds me such a wonderful person and someone he cares that he doesn't want to ruin what we have by messing around. It's kinda stupid, perhaps he did want to try that with his ex and then the infatuation sparked.

[Buddhist]

while he thinks that the infatuatiom should come first, and after it has ended if he feels that we still share some good things then the relationship can last longer.

 

And to add, he has said me earlier that he doesn't want to jump to some romance with me or sleep with me because he finds me such a wonderful person and someone he cares that he doesn't want to ruin what we have by messing around. It's kinda stupid, perhaps he did want to try that with his ex and then the infatuation sparked.

 

You're not listening to what he's telling you. He's telling you there's no spark and he needs that to be there. Whether or not you think that's a right way to go about relationships doesn't matter. He thinks its a right way to go about relationships and since it's missing with you, it isn't ever going to happen with him. No matter how often you hang around him.

[Erik30]

Sounds to me like he's not that into you, but he doesn't have the balls to straight up tell you that. He doesn't want to be the bad guy so he's trying to make you to end it.

That's why he's giving you all these reasons why it wouldn't work

[SwordofFlame]

He has said he finds me attractive and there isn't really anything that isn't right for him in me. I know though that his ex was way prettier and sexier (I'm sorta tomboyish myself though I do use make up etc). I also believe they had alcohol involved and that she was more pushy than me. I have a feeling she probably flirted with him way more, whereas I have felt this connection to him and so felt like an idiot to even try to "seduce" him.

 

So I'd say your second note is correct, in my mind I'd like to find a person who I find "perfect" for me and get attached to him and then with trust spark the passion, while he thinks that the infatuatiom should come first, and after it has ended if he feels that we still share some good things then the relationship can last longer.

 

And to add, he has said me earlier that he doesn't want to jump to some romance with me or sleep with me because he finds me such a wonderful person and someone he cares that he doesn't want to ruin what we have by messing around. It's kinda stupid, perhaps he did want to try that with his ex and then the infatuation sparked.

I've told a female friend before that they're attractive when they've asked me, but in reality she wasn't my type looks wise. I'm certainly not going to tell a female friend you're not attractive. That's mean.

[lilyliz]

Thanks for the good points guys!

 

I know I might seem like someone who doesn't listen but I do, I'm not being head on clouds. I sort of have made the decission that I will do as we said with this guy, remain seeing him more as a friend and very likely break my heart once again later. I know every relationship is different, and anything can happen, so I think I want to see where we go rather than lose him completely. Somehow reading your comments I see that the situation is hard to explain without sounding like it's all in my head and I'm blind, it's a cliche but this guy isn't the "typical" type. I don't think this is "wasting my time", because I don't do dating normally at all, only if I find someone I'm interested in, and that happens rarely. I can notice men I'm interested in even though I had a huge crush on someone else, so if I'll find someone new during this, I'll end this myself. I'm rather going to see where the world will lead me rather than losing him now.

[Glitters]

FWIW, you guys are getting emotionally attached without even realizing it. It's easier to break away when its more sex and less emotions. Here, more emotions/feelings and I promise , if/when you guys do have sex, it will explode!

 

Cut your loses now if you don't want serious relationship. Emotional attachment is hard to break.

[lilyliz]

FWIW, you guys are getting emotionally attached without even realizing it. It's easier to break away when its more sex and less emotions. Here, more emotions/feelings and I promise , if/when you guys do have sex, it will explode!

 

Cut your loses now if you don't want serious relationship. Emotional attachment is hard to break.

 

bheh, we do want to have serious relationships. I actually have a feeling what you say might happen if we did something like that, but this guy seems to be afraid that if we do something like that and he feels nothing he will hurt me. He's expecting that huge feelings would grow without any romantic or sexual efforts and I have a feeling most men don't work that way.