Whisky1981 Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 I'm gonna link this post that was made from a guy: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/418325-gf-wants-me-stop-dancing He was dancing and her girlfriend wanted him to stop. Now I post this because usually when a guy is the one who wants her girlfriend to "stop" a hobby is immediatly tagged as insicure, controlling etc. In this post a girl wanted to stop a guy from doing something and the responses are a lot milder. Now my question because I'm in the same situation just the thing is me being uncomfortable. My girlfriend dances salsa. She did it half a year before we met. She's not a proffesional but she likes it. When we met she already had a co-dancer. She wanted me to go dancing with her and I did. I expected that after a time she will cease the dancing wih her old co-dancer because I was willing to learn with her even if I never liked latino dancing. When I brought the thing up she was reluctant to stop dancing with him and wouldn't listen to my reasons. See, she has another hobby. This hobby is HORSES. Those damn animals take 4 days a week of her time and salsa with her co-dancer takes another additional day. So we can see each other and spend some quality time with her only 2 days a week. Now my feelings are hurt because I don't want to come second all the time and always check the days of the week if she is aviable to call. Remember that I went salsa dancing with her but now I feel like this wasn't appreciated enough and I said to her that I will stop if she dosen't cease to dance with that guy. She would only lose 6 months of practice that she would have to redo with me...I don't think that's a lot. I have nothing against her dancing an occasional dance with somebody else but I can't stand her having a steady dance partner she dances with every week outside of me. And yes I told her all this. Am I being unreasonable? Thank you for all the answers.
central Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 You're being unreasonable about it, IMO. On the other hand, her other time commitments are the bigger problem. Since she doesn't have much time for you and you don't like how/who she spends her time, move on and find someone who does. 2
Author Whisky1981 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 You're being unreasonable about it, IMO. On the other hand, her other time commitments are the bigger problem. Since she doesn't have much time for you and you don't like how/who she spends her time, move on and find someone who does. Thanks. Something else to add. We live close to the Italian border and Italians are crazy about salsa. Now, every monday trough the entire summer they held a salsa night in the vicinity where we live. She likes to go there with her single friend. Now I can tell you from exprience that the guys (a lot of them) go there just to hook up. If I won't be able to learn with her I can't go there with her because I'll just sit at a table all night long and I don't want this. On the other hand I don't want to do favours if she dosen't compromise just a little bit... Wouldn't it bother you? Your girlfriend going dancing at a scene that you know is made for hook ups?
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 If you were more important to her then her hobbies, she'd make more time for you. Horses are a huge commitment & that probably will never stop. It's not like they can feed themselves. As for the other things, accept her as she is or find somebody who is more committed to you. 2
Author Whisky1981 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 (edited) If you were more important to her then her hobbies, she'd make more time for you. Horses are a huge commitment & that probably will never stop. It's not like they can feed themselves. As for the other things, accept her as she is or find somebody who is more committed to you. I know about the horses and I was willing to accept that. But about the dancing....where is the statement that relationship needs compromises? Should I really let her go over a dance? Can't she just compromise to dance with me instead of dancing with that guy? My compromise was to go dancing in the first place. I'm her BF who is there for her when the s**t blows the fan and with her family a lot of s..t happens...sorry but a relationship is not just giving...that's my opinion. Edited November 16, 2015 by Whisky1981
craw Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 Yes you're being unreasonable. Go salsa dancing with her. 1
Author Whisky1981 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 Yes you're being unreasonable. Go salsa dancing with her. Hm....even if she goes with that other guy before me?
Rejected Rosebud Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 I think if you really like this girl and want to be in a relationship with her you will have to accept her time consuming hobbies without getting resentful or guilt tripping her at all. A person with that much to do that doesn't have anything to do with you or your relationship might not be a good fit for you though. That is valid but don't try to change her or make her feel bad or else you'll just wreck the relationship yourself. 1
Author Whisky1981 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 I think if you really like this girl and want to be in a relationship with her you will have to accept her time consuming hobbies without getting resentful or guilt tripping her at all. A person with that much to do that doesn't have anything to do with you or your relationship might not be a good fit for you though. That is valid but don't try to change her or make her feel bad or else you'll just wreck the relationship yourself. Yes I like this girl because of thih I came to ask for advice. I don't try to change her. Not a bit. I just asked her to cease regulary dancing with a guy and continue with me because if I am in a commited relationship I want to d things with my girglfriend. Now if somebody comes along and asks her to dance when we are out together I won't say a word...but having another dancer outside of me whom she meets up every week to dance without me being around...I'm not confortable with that and I would like her to understand that. Am I right? I'm not asking if I should try to change her, I am asking you if I'm right and if this should be a problem and if you were in my situation would this be a problem for you? Thank you.
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 But about the dancing....where is the statement that relationship needs compromises? Should I really let her go over a dance? Can't she just compromise to dance with me instead of dancing with that guy? My compromise was to go dancing in the first place. I'm her BF who is there for her when the s**t blows the fan and with her family a lot of s..t happens...sorry but a relationship is not just giving...that's my opinion. She can . . .in that she has the ability to make that choice but what you are missing is that she is choosing to continue dancing with him after you asked her to stop & offered to dance with her. You are doing all the compromising her. She isn't doing any. That tells me you are more into her than she is to you. So where does that leave you? IMO you now have a choice: deal with her dancing with him or go find another GF. She doesn't seem to want to change. Yes if my SO continued despite my requests for compromise I'd be bothered enough to leave. 2
Author Whisky1981 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 Yes if my SO continued despite my requests for compromise I'd be bothered enough to leave. Thank you. That's what I wanted to hear.
TheBathWater Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 She can . . .in that she has the ability to make that choice but what you are missing is that she is choosing to continue dancing with him after you asked her to stop & offered to dance with her. You are doing all the compromising her. She isn't doing any. That tells me you are more into her than she is to you. So where does that leave you? IMO you now have a choice: deal with her dancing with him or go find another GF. She doesn't seem to want to change. Yes if my SO continued despite my requests for compromise I'd be bothered enough to leave. I was thinking something similar. I dance salsa, and I know if I had a girlfriend who insisted on dancing with some other guy regularly both in and outside of the dance club, then I would have a problem with that. That's like a girlfriend who says "he's just my friend, but he and I are practicing cooking together" or something. There is no way it is just platonic, and if it is, it won't stay that way for long. More concerning to me than anything would be how she responds to you bringing this up with her. If you are mature and honest about your feelings around this, see how she reacts. Is she dismissive? Does she seem annoyed? Is she sensitive to what you're feeling? How much does she seem to care? I think this is really telling when done correctly, and will be a clear indication of whether or not this is someone to keep seeing.
Author Whisky1981 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 Ok...this happened now. Today is the day she has to dance with this guy. I called her 45 minutes erlier and told her that I would like to go for a walk. It was kind of a trap after all the discussions we had about the matter. She just said no I will go dancing tonight. Thats where I snapped told her to go and ended the conversation really quickly. Now she texted that I sholdn't be angry about it. I really am fed up. Tommorow I should go dancing with her but I won't. She basically rejected my offering over dancing with another guy telling me that we can go for a walk after but I won't be waiting around for her.... This really pisses me off.
craw Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 Salsa dancing is suppose to be fun, everyone changes partners. Clearly, you are unhappy and not willing to compromise and she's not willing to compromise to your needs too.
kgcolonel Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 You should stand up for what you are looking for in this relationship. Understand it looks as if this issue is escalating and could go to ending the relationship. Are you okay with this? Personally, I see this as a bigger issue in that she is not investing the same energy into the relationship as you would like. Also, one answer is that you might find a partner of your same skill level and advance your skill level together with the new partner and at some point either surprise your partner or simply refocus your time and energy in this new direction. I would not be so accommodating going forward. So many times in LS I see this happening where one of the two parties, usually the male, become the "I'll do anything to make this work" party and this becomes very unattractive to the other party. I would be prepared to move on with your interests. She knows what it is that you find unacceptable and is defiant in her response. That doesn't make her a bad person only being true to herself and honest to you in where her priorities are set. In a sense, you are trying to change her in trying to change her priorities. This isn't wrong but it is a painful process of realizing that the relationship is not as important to her as her dancing with her dance partner. I have (a while ago) read your past posts. Do you think there is anything romantically happening between the two of them or is it only the time she is spending dancing with him etc? You, IMHO should begin developing independent interests to fall back on as this relationship plays out. At the very least, you'll appear to her as stronger and more committed to your own priorities instead of begging her to change hers.
Author Whisky1981 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 You see I never tried to change her I only asked her to switch permanent dancing partner to me being her boyfriend. That comes from a guy (me) that understands that has to deal with her not being around 4 days a week because she has to tend at her horses and beside that she is still in a working relationship with her ex and she spent a night (in the same room) with him last weekend couse they went o a working trip and I tried to understand that not giving her a hard time. And I only asked her to put me as priority in the remaining time outside of those things. Last weekend we had a fight over the dancing and another matter discussed in my previous threads. On monday she felt ill and came over my house instead of going dancing with this guy. I had plans and I cancelled them to be with her and to tend to her being ill. This monday I called her and asked her to take a walk. She rejected me saying that she is going dancing. Last monday she doged some of my questions about if she was still going to dance with this guy and tuesday she dragged me dancing with her even if I said that I won't go if she will continue dancing with this guy. This just dosen't seem fair. She acts as she dosen't care. And I won't be standing around waiting to be walked all over. I am fed up. Thank you for the support.
Got it Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 Whisky, no one is saying you should stay in the relationship. If you aren't getting what you need then get out. Both parties need to acknowledge, respect and appreciate the other party's feelings and that doesn't seem to be happening. You can't make her see your point but she can't control what you decide to do. So cut bait and call it a loss. And trust, me as a horse person, if being on the backburner already is an issue it doesn't get much better. Horses always come first and either a SO understands and is a supporting hand or it doesn't work out. Divorce is high in the competitive show world because of it. But don't do passive agressive stuff like setting her up on the walk thing. That is just silly. Tell her you aren't getting what you need, here is the compromising you are asking for, and see if she is willing to meet it. If not, then you two aren't meant to be together.
GunslingerRoland Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 Personally I think 5 days a week of hobbies is too much. Unless it's something you are sharing with your partner.
Author Whisky1981 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 Personally I think 5 days a week of hobbies is too much. Unless it's something you are sharing with your partner. I tried to share the one that didn't smell like s..t but she chose somebody else to share it with instead of me.
pteromom Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 There is no right or wrong in this situation - only mismatched values and priorities. She doesn't see a reason to stop dancing with her partner because she enjoys it, and likely sees your reaction as insecurity and control issues. But you want to feel like you are a priority and that you aren't always second to dancing and horses. The problem though is that you chose a girl who prioritizes dancing and horses. You aren't compatible. If you just let it go and let her do her thing, she will be happy, but you will feel resentful and neglected. If she drops her partner and gives all of her free time to you, you will be happy, but she will feel controlled and like those choices weren't made of her free will. It is a no-win situation. You should find someone who defines a relationship in the same way you do. 3
Author Whisky1981 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 There is no right or wrong in this situation - only mismatched values and priorities. She doesn't see a reason to stop dancing with her partner because she enjoys it, and likely sees your reaction as insecurity and control issues. But you want to feel like you are a priority and that you aren't always second to dancing and horses. The problem though is that you chose a girl who prioritizes dancing and horses. You aren't compatible. If you just let it go and let her do her thing, she will be happy, but you will feel resentful and neglected. If she drops her partner and gives all of her free time to you, you will be happy, but she will feel controlled and like those choices weren't made of her free will. It is a no-win situation. You should find someone who defines a relationship in the same way you do. Thanks. She can feel as controled as she wants but that little thing is the one and only I asked from her. Everything else I tried to accept or partecipate in it. Even in this I tried to partecipate with a small demand. If she has to feel controlled over this when I never asked for anything else and deny anything to her.... She might as well be single doing whatever she wants don't you think?
kgcolonel Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Thanks. She can feel as controled as she wants but that little thing is the one and only I asked from her. Everything else I tried to accept or partecipate in it. Even in this I tried to partecipate with a small demand. If she has to feel controlled over this when I never asked for anything else and deny anything to her.... She might as well be single doing whatever she wants don't you think?[/QUOTE] I think you are getting the message here....what you are doing is driving her to be single. She asked you to go dancing with her and your responded with a bargaining attempt with "I'll go with you if you do not go dancing with him". This is silly IMHO. She likes to dance, she is being honest and clear with you in her words and actions and you're trying to manipulate her with your bargaining attempts. You will be single very soon if you don't begin to listen to others on this site. Stand tall, understand that she is an independent woman and learn that some women you cannot reign in under your wants. If you're not getting what you need / want here, seek it from another source. What may seem as unreasonable to you may be perfect for someone else and what may seem unreasonable to her you may find somewhere else. It sounds as if she has been clear in her actions that she is not going to pass up her hobbies, especially dancing for more time with you.
Author Whisky1981 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 I think you are getting the message here....what you are doing is driving her to be single. She asked you to go dancing with her and your responded with a bargaining attempt with "I'll go with you if you do not go dancing with him". This is silly IMHO.[/QUOTE] I know this isn't right. The problem here is that I have a feeling that I am standing around and waiting for her to finish all her activities so we can meet. This happens 5 days a week and if I am demending that she takes one of those days off (the one she can couse as stated before horses won't feed themselvs) is not a big deal. In addition I am not taking the dance activity off of her, I am willing to go with her for a compromise so she can still do it with her SO which in addition I think is the right thing to do in a relationship. It is a compromise, she is not willing to take. So I stand around waiting for her to finish just so we can spend her remaining time together. It's always her hours and time of day, never mine. I am on a schedule like her dancing and her horses. This is how I feel and it dosen't seem right for me. Now I know it's take it or leave it, I am just asking you guys how would you feel about this if it was happening to you and if you'd be willing to live like this. Is this much of a relationship anyway? Thank you!
Poutrew Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Whiskey, all I can say is OMG. I think the point will be driven home to you when you one day have to go into surgery for a burst appendix and your GF says she can't go to you because her dance partner has a hangnail and she has to cut it for him, because his mommy can't - but don't worry, if you are still alive tomorrow she will send over some flowers... Dude, every fiber in your being is telling you how important you are to this girl - not much. Even horse sh*t comes before you - you are at best a distant third, and it isn't going to change. It's not good for your ego to be cuckolded by horses, or a metrosexual dance partner. Get a better girlfriend...and be happy! 1
PegNosePete Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Today is the day she has to dance with this guy. I called her 45 minutes erlier and told her that I would like to go for a walk. Sorry, you acted insecure and manipulative. You know that this is her dancing night. She was doing that for a long time before you met her. Yet you deliberately organized something to clash with her well-established plans. Hm....even if she goes with that other guy before me? What are you doing during that time? Sitting there like a lemon, or dancing with other girls? 1
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