Not sure how to feel

[Versacehottie]

Thank you everyone so much for the advice and the support. It really is helping me get through this. I think it's the shock and disappointment of it all that is really making it difficult to look at this objectively. I also think it was horrible timing to have that discussion when we had both been drinking pretty much the entire day, and both were already on edge. That being said, I don't think that would cause the conversation to go the way it did. It just makes it more difficult to fully understand everything since the whole thing is rather hazy to me and I wonder what exactly he remembers from it too. I'm angry with myself for not having the self control to a) not be pushy and b) be patient and have the conversation at a better time. Regardless if it would have changed the outcome or not, it's not the way I wanted to conduct myself and I'm embarrassed about that part

 

if he was capable of pursuing you and doing all the "right" things to woo you before you asked the dreaded question, he is capable of coming back around and wooing you again. The only reason he won't do that is if he does not want to commit to a relationship, commit to one with you or be tied down. He was capable of dating like it meant something before and as if it would progress so he would presumably be capable of coming back with those similar sorts of moves and laying his feelings on the line to get you back interested in him.

 

Totally understandable that it is hard to be objective about this. Must be terribly painful. We are here to see things more objectively and not let you make stupid moves. It doesn't matter if he doesn't exactly remember. He pursued you and asked you out on dates. Even if it's a hazy "i don't remember what I did or said to offend her", he knows you're not talking and even the jerkiest guys I know when they are interested they take that step to reach out to fix and resurrect, if they want to stay in your life. If you don't like the way you conducted yourself, you can apologize or vow to do better AFTER he's made significant effort to find his way back in. The content of what he said is a dealbreaker. Don't do too much or beat yourself up. Feeling like you need to censor yourself or work on your delivery are appropriate feedback for yourself, which he only deserves to hear if you are continuing a relationship. Otherwise it's not relevant. And i think you are just wishing if you could have done things differently, better or not at all, you'd still be together.

 

You have to look at the reality of the situation. You asked for a real and progressing relationship and he basically said no, not now. It may not be the moment to talk about it or the way but it doesn't change his stance on what he thinks overall. He answered the question and took the risk that it would lead to this. You have to trust that he either really means that or only time to think on things himself will change that. There's nothing really you can say. Only be open enough to "hear" what he says if he comes back. Most guys are pretty stubborn about exactly this. If you pursue him at this moment, you lose value (which I suspect is exactly how you got in this predicament--he doesn't value you enough--he thinks you will be there despite some really dumbass moves on his part and little effort and lame excuses). It's not whether he likes you or enjoys his time with you. It's whether he values you. You realize you are in a power struggle, right?

[laelithia]

if he was capable of pursuing you and doing all the "right" things to woo you before you asked the dreaded question, he is capable of coming back around and wooing you again. The only reason he won't do that is if he does not want to commit to a relationship, commit to one with you or be tied down. He was capable of dating like it meant something before and as if it would progress so he would presumably be capable of coming back with those similar sorts of moves and laying his feelings on the line to get you back interested in him.

 

Totally understandable that it is hard to be objective about this. Must be terribly painful. We are here to see things more objectively and not let you make stupid moves. It doesn't matter if he doesn't exactly remember. He pursued you and asked you out on dates. Even if it's a hazy "i don't remember what I did or said to offend her", he knows you're not talking and even the jerkiest guys I know when they are interested they take that step to reach out to fix and resurrect, if they want to stay in your life. If you don't like the way you conducted yourself, you can apologize or vow to do better AFTER he's made significant effort to find his way back in. The content of what he said is a dealbreaker. Don't do too much or beat yourself up. Feeling like you need to censor yourself or work on your delivery are appropriate feedback for yourself, which he only deserves to hear if you are continuing a relationship. Otherwise it's not relevant. And i think you are just wishing if you could have done things differently, better or not at all, you'd still be together.

 

You have to look at the reality of the situation. You asked for a real and progressing relationship and he basically said no, not now. It may not be the moment to talk about it or the way but it doesn't change his stance on what he thinks overall. He answered the question and took the risk that it would lead to this. You have to trust that he either really means that or only time to think on things himself will change that. There's nothing really you can say. Only be open enough to "hear" what he says if he comes back. Most guys are pretty stubborn about exactly this. If you pursue him at this moment, you lose value (which I suspect is exactly how you got in this predicament--he doesn't value you enough--he thinks you will be there despite some really dumbass moves on his part and little effort and lame excuses). It's not whether he likes you or enjoys his time with you. It's whether he values you. You realize you are in a power struggle, right?

 

I realize this now. I also realize that the type of person that enjoys a power struggle and to play games is not for me. He kept saying on Sunday that he cares for me "tremendously", but is that how you show someone that? I don't think so. I would like now to close all doors and to move on from this. I'm thinking of messaging tomorrow that I have his pants and would like to give them to him (I see no point in wasting $50 of my money) and would like my necklace back. I suppose if he refuses or doesn't respond, it's further evidence for not wanting this person in my life.

 

The part I find the most hurtful is that I let him in on everything that was happening with my mother's illness and he met her when very people can since her immune system is so compromised from the chemotherapy. It is incredibly hurtful to me that he chose to conduct himself this way after I was so vulnerable and open with him. I suppose that's life though, and it goes on

[Versacehottie]

The more I think about it, the more I feel like he acted like he cared about me but I don’t think in reality he did. I noticed an odd thing earlier that day of our conversation. His friend was meeting us at the football game, and she got into a car accident. I seemed to be more concerned about her than he did, despite the fact they had been childhood friends for 20 years. I’m not sure he really has the capacity to have deep meaningful relationships, which makes me think even more that the “I’m not over my ex of 2 years ago” story is untrue and simply an excuse for a way out

 

Well, don't try to figure it out. That will just add to your anxiety and belief that something about you wasn't good enough. Just take it at face value and work on feeling better about the life you have right now (without him). He may not have that capacity to care like that.

 

I don't know if the ex story is true or not. It's not a good use of your brain power to try to figure out what's going on in his head. Thinking he needs a "way out" has an underlying implication of your own thought process that you were not good enough for him. Stop that! Take it just as it is now as it relates to your having a relationship with him. Don't read into it: He is not sure about commitment. He did not answer that question to your satisfaction. Right now it appears as if you are not dating. You need to take care of yourself and figure out the best ways to get back on your feet emotionally so you can have the life you want (with or without him). Find ways to get happy.Good luck

[Versacehottie]

I realize this now. I also realize that the type of person that enjoys a power struggle and to play games is not for me. He kept saying on Sunday that he cares for me "tremendously", but is that how you show someone that? I don't think so. I would like now to close all doors and to move on from this. I'm thinking of messaging tomorrow that I have his pants and would like to give them to him (I see no point in wasting $50 of my money) and would like my necklace back. I suppose if he refuses or doesn't respond, it's further evidence for not wanting this person in my life.

 

The part I find the most hurtful is that I let him in on everything that was happening with my mother's illness and he met her when very people can since her immune system is so compromised from the chemotherapy. It is incredibly hurtful to me that he chose to conduct himself this way after I was so vulnerable and open with him. I suppose that's life though, and it goes on

 

Awwww I'm so sorry about your mom.

 

I don't know if he enjoys a power struggle. And people we care about don't always act perfectly in every situation. I think you are looking for a way to talk to him with the pants. Just let it be. Let him contact you. I'd waste the $50 to fedex or snail mail them if you really want to make a point. You are testing him with this move. You are being impatient. This is not the way. In the back of your mind you hope he will give you some reassurance or grand gesture. If you want a real grand gesture, something that really means something, he has to be the one to initiate it.

 

Just as if he contacts you about the necklace. It is neither about the necklace or the pants. It's about the elephant in the room. If you contact him first, you lose the power struggle and your leverage. It will be a transparent as I'm telling you it will be when he calls you to return the necklace. You can fool yourself that you just want to cut him out of your life by making a rash move to tell him you are cutting him out of your life and here are your pants but everyone can see through that. If he's cut out of your life, he's not a factor and you would be dismissive of getting the pants back to him. Tuck them into a little bag at back of your closet until he contacts you for them. You and I both know the pants are not important. Don't use them as an excuse to contact him.

[laelithia]

Awwww I'm so sorry about your mom.

 

I don't know if he enjoys a power struggle. And people we care about don't always act perfectly in every situation. I think you are looking for a way to talk to him with the pants. Just let it be. Let him contact you. I'd waste the $50 to fedex or snail mail them if you really want to make a point. You are testing him with this move. You are being impatient. This is not the way. In the back of your mind you hope he will give you some reassurance or grand gesture. If you want a real grand gesture, something that really means something, he has to be the one to initiate it.

 

Just as if he contacts you about the necklace. It is neither about the necklace or the pants. It's about the elephant in the room. If you contact him first, you lose the power struggle and your leverage. It will be a transparent as I'm telling you it will be when he calls you to return the necklace. You can fool yourself that you just want to cut him out of your life by making a rash move to tell him you are cutting him out of your life and here are your pants but everyone can see through that. If he's cut out of your life, he's not a factor and you would be dismissive of getting the pants back to him. Tuck them into a little bag at back of your closet until he contacts you for them. You and I both know the pants are not important. Don't use them as an excuse to contact him.

 

I suppose you're right that I'm using it as my closure. But I feel there should be some definitive ending. I have no idea what he's told his friends (if anything) and I find it very strange that it's all open and a big mess. I suppose I want to make things neat and tidy and I want to move on. I still have him on social media and it's very strange to me. Normally, in a break up, there's a definitive ending and for me I cleanse myself of that person. In this case, I haven't. I'm not sure, maybe I should do so on my own. I just feel like two adults that have spent significant time together in three months should be mature enough to call a spade a spade. It's clear for whatever reason we are not compatible

[Versacehottie]

I suppose you're right that I'm using it as my closure. But I feel there should be some definitive ending. I have no idea what he's told his friends (if anything) and I find it very strange that it's all open and a big mess. I suppose I want to make things neat and tidy and I want to move on. I still have him on social media and it's very strange to me. Normally, in a break up, there's a definitive ending and for me I cleanse myself of that person. In this case, I haven't. I'm not sure, maybe I should do so on my own. I just feel like two adults that have spent significant time together in three months should be mature enough to call a spade a spade. It's clear for whatever reason we are not compatible

 

Well closure is overrated. You need closure with yourself not him. You can make every decision related to how you will move on, social media, what to do with his pants without him. Being able to do that mentally is real closure. Making those decisions alone. "closure" is wanting to confirm with him that you are done. You don't sound done. Which is why you need to figure out your real goal. If your real goal is to have a shot with this guy (i think it is if you read between the lines of your posts) and leave the door open, then you should do what I've been saying previously. If you are truly over him and just want to be emotional and have a knee reaction reaction and "tidy" things up, well then you can do what you mind is telling you what to do. I think it's a bad idea. Why reach out to a guy to tell him something that's obvious??? Do you really think you are not compatible? You previously said you had a great time with him. Again you are being impatient. In this way, you are just thinking about yourself in the wrong way. If you are going to let him have time to process his feelings then let him do it without taking him on your personal and wild emotional rollercoaster ride of being impatient.

 

I think you are fooling yourself with the pants and now "closure". You just want an excuse to talk to him, wail against him, react to him and vice versa. That's not the smartest move. If you really want it to be over, you can do exactly what you are claiming about closure in a week or so. Let yourself process your own feelings. good luck

[laelithia]

I can't believe it but I'm confused all over again. I rehashed the entire conversation in my head, and realized the part in feeling upset/guilty for is that I pushed him in an aggressive and not assertive way. I was horribly vague in the questions I was asking him, and whenever he asked me how I felt, I kept turning the table back on him and never answered how I felt. In fact, not once did I even convey any emotion, and was aware that this conversation felt more like that of with a client of mine, not someone I personally felt invested in. He even said at one point "you're not my counsellor".

 

I'm always so scared that someone will leave or hurt me, that I never really am strong enough to be open and vulnerable and I get this "I'm so tough" act up and I know it pushes men away. I don't know what would have happened here if I had not done that, but I know for a fact it didn't help my cause. When he brought up his ex, I became especially cold and asked him inappropriate questions on that for 45 more minutes. I backed him into a corner until he apologized for "using me", but looking back, he did not feel that way. I have a history of doing this, almost like I take the role of a prosecutor and ask questions not for clarification, but for others to admit what I feel is true. My parents and friends have told me if I can't change this, I will never be able to be in a healthy relationship. What I should have done, is explained that I was not over my ex at all when I met him either, but getting to know him more and more my feelings had changed. Like I say, regardless of if that would have changed the outcome or not, it takes strength to be vulnerable and honest and I was 100% unable or unwilling to do so and now I have regrets.

 

We are supposed to meet today to "talk about things", I'm not sure what that means. I'm torn between uphold of my dignity and simply not accepting anything but that it's over, and doing the opposite and being open and honest about how I felt about him. I figure if it's a lost cause, and I lose some pride, so be it in that I at least get practice in being vulnerable. I'm terrified because I don't know what will be the outcome, but I am not going to lie to myself any longer.

 

I know to most it may seem like I am acting like a doormat, and perhaps that's true, but it's very difficult to relay the whole and unbiased picture here. I don't think there's any demons or angels in this, no good or bad guys. He is not a bad guy and I am definitely not perfect. In terms of this conversation, I should have allowed him the opportunity to give it more time, like he had asked me to. Instead, I pushed for an answer RIGHT NOW since I am and have always been incredibly impatient. Sure his feelings might have never devolved into what I wanted, but by backing him into a corner, I left him no choice but to lash out. That is what I have regrets about, because he is by far the first person I've done it too. And not only that, after I backed him into this corner, I trapped him there for 45 minutes asking the same things over and over until he said it wasn't a good idea for me to stay. It's so easy for me to villainize him for this, but the truth is he has offered to let me stay the night 3 times before that, and I ignored each offer in favour of verbally attacking and questioning him. No one deserves that.

 

At the very minimum, I need to apologize for the way I conducted myself in that conversation and stop lying to myself that I am the poor martyr in this. The honest (and painful) truth is I clearly am in no place mentally, emotionally or circumstantially ready for a serious relationship and it's hypocritical that I would expect these men to commit to me when with some reflection, I realize there's a pattern of me sabotaging the beginning of each one I've tried. I haven't done the work on my inner self and I do not feel confident in dating. And that itself is my mess to clean up, not running into the arms of another

[laelithia]

Talk in T-90 min. Any last minute advice?

[Leigh 87]

He's told you who he is. He's stated that he preferd to be infatuated with a girl prior to kissing her or dating her.

 

Not all husbands were ever infatuated with their wives. Many men don't need to feel the "rush ".

 

However, some guys DO need a girl that makes them weak at the knees. Some men DO need to fall head over heels for a girlfriend as opposed to quietly falling in love (starting off as friends and veeeery slowly falling into a relationship )

 

 

 

This guy has told you who he is. Believe him. He isn't a guy who is happy to pursue a woman with whom he's lukewarm about. He prefers for bis girlfriends to knock his socks off.

[mattelipstick]

Watching you go through mental gymnastics to try convincing yourself 3 months = "incredibly impatient" is very sad. I've been there, and I know very well how this story ends. I'd bet money that you met with him, apologized profusely (when you did nothing wrong), and convinced him of your new, lowered, cool girl expectations in hopes of keeping him around in whatever diminished capacity you can.

 

I very much want to be wrong. I hope you come back and report that you maintained your standards and left w/ dignity intact.

[laelithia]

Watching you go through mental gymnastics to try convincing yourself 3 months = "incredibly impatient" is very sad. I've been there, and I know very well how this story ends. I'd bet money that you met with him, apologized profusely (when you did nothing wrong), and convinced him of your new, lowered, cool girl expectations in hopes of keeping him around in whatever diminished capacity you can.

 

I very much want to be wrong. I hope you come back and report that you maintained your standards and left w/ dignity intact.

 

I apologized briefly for pushing him into a corner with my questioning after he brought up his ex, but not for asking where things were going. After the talk, I could see he really isn't over his ex. I would have explained that I think the heart is complicated and can hold many types of love (as I do for my ex), but I didn't see a point. He had made up his mind and saying anything else would have been undignifying.

 

He admitted that he noticed his feelings weeks ago, that I wasn't "taking her away from his heart" yet if I hadn't have "pushed this out of him" on Sunday, he would have "worked through it" and we would have been fine. Sounds fishy to me.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think things turned out for the best, even if it happened in an awkward way. He seems like he would have kept you hanging around for a long time, without being totally into the relationship.

 

 

If nothing else, hopefully you did learn a little bit about yourself in relationships and how you have to open up more about your own feelings.

[Versacehottie]

You are impatient. Not for asking where things were headed. But once you did that you just couldn't live with the impatience of not knowing the answer about him. It's more of a desperation. By needing to know AFTER the conversation and not playing the right game (which isn't a game, it's putting yourself first and knowing you will be fine because you are desirable), you lost any leverage you had with him moving forward. I can tell a vaguely worded sentence when I see one. He didn't call to meet up. You did, right?

 

There is one message that conveys and you need to work that out before you are starting next relationship. Desperation. It's was all over all of your posts. I wish you could have taken the good advice you got here.

 

You had every right to ask the relationship status. But you were compromised before you asked that question and way compromised after you asked that question. You can't play everything perfectly. In fact, it can often be the enemy of getting the guy you want. Sometimes you just have to not give a f*ck and definitely see things from the point of view that "if he can't meet my needs, I'm fine walking".

 

I agree with whoever said about the mental gymnastics of the aftermath. It wasn't just about that subject either. You were also all over the place to make some valid argument in your head that it was ok to talk to him. I 100% guarantee, he would have come back around to talk to you if you could have just waited--with better results. Try that next time. I'm afraid if you keep doing things the way you have been you might even end up in a relationship but it will be far from the one of your dreams.

 

anyway, good luck

[katiegrl]

You can't be serious can you? His breakup was 2yrs ago, he should have been working through this, well before he ever dated you. Personally I think it's a bull**** story to cover the fact that he really has no intention of being committed to you at all. Men are not stupid, they know that pulling the I'm so damaged and hurt line will often excuse their behaviour and keep the woman clinging to the hope that one day he will commit. Don't fall for it. If he doesn't know where he stands with you after 3 months (really after three dates is enough) then hanging in there is hopeless and you should cut your losses and run. It's only a shock to you because you clearly thought you were his girlfriend while he clearly thought you were his friend with benefits. And to be honest. It sounds like he was fully aware of your idea on the matter and conveniently decided to allow you to think that, rather than correct you.

 

Front up at his house, and get your necklace back. Hand him the receipt for his pants and tell him where he can collect them himself. Job done. Get back out there and find someone worthy of you.

 

^^This! Nuff said.

[kismetkismet]

I apologized briefly for pushing him into a corner with my questioning after he brought up his ex, but not for asking where things were going. After the talk, I could see he really isn't over his ex. I would have explained that I think the heart is complicated and can hold many types of love (as I do for my ex), but I didn't see a point. He had made up his mind and saying anything else would have been undignifying.

 

He admitted that he noticed his feelings weeks ago, that I wasn't "taking her away from his heart" yet if I hadn't have "pushed this out of him" on Sunday, he would have "worked through it" and we would have been fine. Sounds fishy to me.

 

That is utter garbage. Such blame displacement it's silly. You did the right thing and are better off without him. You shouldn't have to wait around for months and months for some guy to MAYBE get over his ex gf. You deserve so much better than that.

[laelithia]

I just reread the entire thread, and I can see why everyone (maybe even you all!) is so frustrated with me.

 

I seem to continually miss the mark on what's important and what the issue is. I keep thinking it's about him and his behaviour and mind reading when really it's my head that needs a shake.

 

I am dealing with compound grief with a pinch of desperation and feeling like I'm running out of time for my mom to see me in a healthy relationship. She wants that so badly and it hurts her that I keep making the same mistakes. I broke down with her yesterday and asked her if she would be okay with me possibly never finding a good, healthy relationship if I was okay with it. She said she didn't think that would be the outcome for me, but if it was and I was happy, she could be at peace with that.

 

The truth is I have put myself in the ringer for almost 3 years after I left my long term relationship for the grass on the other side that has not been greener. I had a loving (albeit unexciting) partner of 6.5 years who would do anything for me, a beautiful house we paid for at 23, 2 dogs, and family and friends that loved us. I left all of that, sold my house, split up my dogs, and became the mess that I am now because I thought I needed more excitement in my life. I sure have accomplished that, and much more. With that excitement I have found extreme disappointment, pain, shame, humiliation and guilt. My self esteem has been almost destroyed, despite the fact that professionally I am very successful (almost finished my registration as a psychologist- the biggest joke of all! Except I actually am very good when it's not my own life), attractive, and intelligent. Yet still I have accepted people in my life that never had any intention to better it, compromised my values, and became a weak and dependent person.

 

There's no point to wallow in regret of the decisions I've made, but I'm running out of time to deny the truth and the underlying cause of the mess I've been in for the 3 years. I hope this little piece of self awareness helps me move on from this chapter of my life and strengthens my character enough to support my family in this difficult time. Thank you to everyone here that ever posted, replied, or sent a message to me. You were all instrumental in me finally facing the truth. I can't thank you enough.

 

P.S. He contacted my little brother to help him with his career the day after our break up. I told my brother he's more than welcome to meet him and see if he can help him career-wise but if he asks about me, to say absolutely nothing. He also texted me last night for what I'm sure was a hook up. No thanks. That chapter is closed indefinitely.

[laelithia]

I'm still quite hurt over some things that he did. I agree that he never had any intention of committing to me, so there are some things that just aren't fair. For instance, he met my whole family, including my mom. He knew the situation with her, right now she's going through treatment and has a 50/50 chance of survival. Why would he meet her knowing that and that he had no intention of sticking around?

 

Another thing is that he would call me "babe" in front of everyone, including his friends. If I was just his FWB why would he do that?

 

And lastly, 2 days before our BU he told me that if a girl (who seemed particularly interested in him at a party but wasn't very attractive so I didn't worry too much) were to keep bothering him, he would tell her he was "in a relationship with someone else". That being said, the next morning he said he didn't remember the ride home, and thus said conversation. I guess that was probably his way of backing out.

 

Even now though, his behaviour is confusing. He said he wants to help my brother, but I don't understand why. And he's been messaging me saying he wants to be friends, but when I reply he doesn't answer. So frustrating and hurtful, I'm not sure how someone can be so cold when I'm going through the most difficult time in my life. How do I move forward when I am so angry and hurt at how he led me on?

[Redhead14]

I'm still quite hurt over some things that he did. I agree that he never had any intention of committing to me, so there are some things that just aren't fair. For instance, he met my whole family, including my mom. He knew the situation with her, right now she's going through treatment and has a 50/50 chance of survival. Why would he meet her knowing that and that he had no intention of sticking around?

 

Another thing is that he would call me "babe" in front of everyone, including his friends. If I was just his FWB why would he do that?

 

And lastly, 2 days before our BU he told me that if a girl (who seemed particularly interested in him at a party but wasn't very attractive so I didn't worry too much) were to keep bothering him, he would tell her he was "in a relationship with someone else". That being said, the next morning he said he didn't remember the ride home, and thus said conversation. I guess that was probably his way of backing out.

 

Even now though, his behaviour is confusing. He said he wants to help my brother, but I don't understand why. And he's been messaging me saying he wants to be friends, but when I reply he doesn't answer. So frustrating and hurtful, I'm not sure how someone can be so cold when I'm going through the most difficult time in my life. How do I move forward when I am so angry and hurt at how he led me on?

 

C'mon, you were only seeing this guy for 3 months. Meeting your mother/family does not make a commitment. You shouldn't have taken him to meet your mother until things had developed more clearly and was established. This is the very reason for not introducing new dating partners to family so soon. And, imagine how someone feels who goes through a break up after a year or more.

 

He didn't lead you on, you lead yourself on by reading into things "Another thing is that he would call me "babe" in front of everyone" -- so what?

 

So frustrating and hurtful, I'm not sure how someone can be so cold when I'm going through the most difficult time in my life. -- He's not over his ex, he's focused on his own pain . . .

 

You need to pull yourself together and simply accept the fact that this was not the guy for you. And, it's better that you figured that out in only 3 months instead of longer.

 

He's just not over his ex and you were the rebound. It doesn't mean he didn't like you necessarily, he was enjoying himself and the distraction from his own pain.

 

What would you tell your best friend or daughter (if you had one), and she came to you and was falling apart over a guy she had only known for three months, who had been honest with her about "where he's at" emotionally and was moving on instead of stringing her along for longer period of time?

[laelithia]

C'mon, you were only seeing this guy for 3 months. Meeting your mother/family does not make a commitment. You shouldn't have taken him to meet your mother until things had developed more clearly and was established. This is the very reason for not introducing new dating partners to family so soon. And, imagine how someone feels who goes through a break up after a year or more.

 

He didn't lead you on, you lead yourself on by reading into things "Another thing is that he would call me "babe" in front of everyone" -- so what?

 

So frustrating and hurtful, I'm not sure how someone can be so cold when I'm going through the most difficult time in my life. -- He's not over his ex, he's focused on his own pain . . .

 

You need to pull yourself together and simply accept the fact that this was not the guy for you. And, it's better that you figured that out in only 3 months instead of longer.

 

He's just not over his ex and you were the rebound. It doesn't mean he didn't like you necessarily, he was enjoying himself and the distraction from his own pain.

 

What would you tell your best friend or daughter (if you had one), and she came to you and was falling apart over a guy she had only known for three months, who had been honest with her about "where he's at" emotionally and was moving on instead of stringing her along for longer period of time?

 

I am far from "falling apart" over this guy. In the long run, I think it was for the best as it was clearly never going to be a long term relationship. I'm simply trying to understand where I misread things so badly. The "loss" of this relationship is disappointing as on paper he seemed almost perfect (handsome, successful, intelligent and polite) but on a deeper level we didn't have anything. I'm upset that he asked to meet my parents, I didn't push it or even want it to happen so soon. However as I said, my mom is going through intense chemotherapy and if he didn't meet her then, he likely wouldn't have at all. I truly do think he misled me, because he knew early on I was looking for something more than casual. Maybe he tried, I don't know.

[Redhead14]

I am far from "falling apart" over this guy. In the long run, I think it was for the best as it was clearly never going to be a long term relationship. I'm simply trying to understand where I misread things so badly. The "loss" of this relationship is disappointing as on paper he seemed almost perfect (handsome, successful, intelligent and polite) but on a deeper level we didn't have anything. I'm upset that he asked to meet my parents, I didn't push it or even want it to happen so soon. However as I said, my mom is going through intense chemotherapy and if he didn't meet her then, he likely wouldn't have at all. I truly do think he misled me, because he knew early on I was looking for something more than casual. Maybe he tried, I don't know.

 

Three "pages" of posts about this guy is too much for a 3 month "relationship". Just because he asked to meet your mom doesn't mean anything especially since it was so soon. And, you didn't have to let him meet her. You're putting too much emphasis on this in terms of "gauging" his interest or what was in his head. You have responsibility here too.

 

"Misreading" is about a lack of good communication. If you are "reading" into it, you aren't having good verbal exchange.

 

And, if you want to try to identify where things could have gone wrong, go back to the point where you two had the conversation about you being his "special" friend -- you brought up the question again shortly after that and he basically told you, you were bringing it up too soon. So, he was feeling pressured and realized it was moving too fast for him.

 

But, just because it was too soon for him, doesn't mean it wasn't too soon for you. You wanted clarification and you got it. End of story.

 

Focus on moving forward now. And, the one you really should be focused on right now -- Is Your Mother. It sounds as though that you may not have much more time to spend with her. Wasting time and energy fretting over a man is taking the time and energy you should be giving to her. Priorities . . .

[laelithia]

Three "pages" of posts about this guy is too much for a 3 month "relationship". Just because he asked to meet your mom doesn't mean anything especially since it was so soon. And, you didn't have to let him meet her. You're putting too much emphasis on this in terms of "gauging" his interest or what was in his head. You have responsibility here too.

 

"Misreading" is about a lack of good communication. If you are "reading" into it, you aren't having good verbal exchange.

 

And, if you want to try to identify where things could have gone wrong, go back to the point where you two had the conversation about you being his "special" friend -- you brought up the question again shortly after that and he basically told you, you were bringing it up too soon. So, he was feeling pressured and realized it was moving too fast for him.

 

But, just because it was too soon for him, doesn't mean it wasn't too soon for you. You wanted clarification and you got it. End of story.

 

Focus on moving forward now. And, the one you really should be focused on right now -- Is Your Mother. It sounds as though that you may not have much more time to spend with her. Wasting time and energy fretting over a man is taking the time and energy you should be giving to her. Priorities . . .

 

With some time to reflect, I'm able now to see that this wasn't an issue of timing, but rather the issue of him not wanting a relationship (with me or at all, doesn't really matter). I wanted to give it a go, and based on his behaviour objectively in our 3 months together, he did not. I don't think more time would have changed that.

 

I'm relieved to have reached this conclusion, and not only with him. I have a history of choosing to date men that show me with their actions, they do not want to take things to the next level with me. I am receptive now to the feedback that if a man wants to have a relationship with you, you will know and won't have to "read" into his behaviour.

 

Anyway, I have decided to take a much needed break from dating (as in single and NOT looking) while I focus on my family and finish my residency. I'm actually very much looking forward to learning about myself in this time as well. Thank you and to everyone else that was patient with me and provided me with much needed feedback. I am truly grateful.