Not sure how to feel

[laelithia]

I don't know how to feel. I'm not sure if I messed up or if I did the right thing. The guy I've been dating for 3 months told me today he's not sure he's over his ex. I basically pushed the "where are we going" question after several people in my life (and his) began asking. I was okay with what we had discussed on that front (seeing what happens, both of us not dating anyone else) until today our cab driver asked if we were married or what our status was, and he answered that I was his "special friend". I had no idea how to take that. When I asked him some time later, he said that's how he felt. I asked if there was "room for advanecement" as a joke, and he said of course.

 

This is the part I'm not sure if I messed up or not. Later today, I brought it up again. He then, with much digging on my end, admitted that he was not over his ex of two years ago. This had never been brought up before and I was in shock. He then said he was upset I was bringing up the "where are we going" conversation so early, because he was "working through this" and now that I knew, everything we had built in the past 3 months was tainted/ruined. He apologized later for using me to get over his ex and for being a "commitment phobe", but didn't fully sound genuine when saying this.

 

So now I'm dealing with feeling like I brought this talk up too early and didn't let things develop naturally, and not having this talk soon enough. I'm so confused and have no idea how I should feel. He has said he would like to think about it for the week but that in itself makes me uncomfortable. I don't know, I'm just so saddened and disappointed.

[Redfisher]

Sorry, Sounds like he is waffling.... Im not going to say you have no hope but as a dude I can tell he's not 100% committed and may just be using you to fill a void.

[salparadise]

You don't need to feel bad for fleshing out things that are absolutely relevant. If he's still hung up on an ex after two years, using you as temporary entertainment or an emotional tampon, then you most certainly needed to know that. If you're dating him with the future in mind and he's just wasting your time, congrats to you for figuring it out and getting it out in the open. You did nothing wrong.

 

The disappointment you must be feeling is completely understandable. If it were me, I'd add thoroughly pissed to those emotions based on the fact that he has been deceptive as to his feelings and motivations. What do I think you should do... tell him to take a week plus a few decades to think it over and kick his ass to the curb.

 

Sorry, I know it's painful. But he's no golden boy, and you need to take your power back.

[Redhead14]

I don't know how to feel. I'm not sure if I messed up or if I did the right thing. The guy I've been dating for 3 months told me today he's not sure he's over his ex. I basically pushed the "where are we going" question after several people in my life (and his) began asking. I was okay with what we had discussed on that front (seeing what happens, both of us not dating anyone else) until today our cab driver asked if we were married or what our status was, and he answered that I was his "special friend". I had no idea how to take that. When I asked him some time later, he said that's how he felt. I asked if there was "room for advanecement" as a joke, and he said of course.

 

This is the part I'm not sure if I messed up or not. Later today, I brought it up again. He then, with much digging on my end, admitted that he was not over his ex of two years ago. This had never been brought up before and I was in shock. He then said he was upset I was bringing up the "where are we going" conversation so early, because he was "working through this" and now that I knew, everything we had built in the past 3 months was tainted/ruined. He apologized later for using me to get over his ex and for being a "commitment phobe", but didn't fully sound genuine when saying this.

 

So now I'm dealing with feeling like I brought this talk up too early and didn't let things develop naturally, and not having this talk soon enough. I'm so confused and have no idea how I should feel. He has said he would like to think about it for the week but that in itself makes me uncomfortable. I don't know, I'm just so saddened and disappointed.

 

So now I'm dealing with feeling like I brought this talk up too early and didn't let things develop naturally -- If you are being intimate with someone, it's never too soon to bring it up really.

 

It's best in the very early stages, before intimacy, to have a conversation about each dating partner's dating goals. In other words, you tell him you are dating for the purpose of having a relationship with someone (and at the point it's not about with that person, just in general). And, then let them tell you what they are looking for at the point. If he's getting over his ex and being honest, he would just say he's dating casually. Sometimes, they will say that they are dating for a relationship because they know that's what you want, but that's where you still need to observe how they date you and manage emotions and expectations.

 

When you ask that question, you need to be prepared for whatever the answer will be. Simply, state what it is you want and let them talk.

 

In this case, if you waited longer or let things develop naturally, you may have found yourself even more invested and hurt more deeply because it may not have developed at all. You second guessing yourself because you think it would have "developed" naturally is about you thinking he'd change his mind or be so invested in you as to stick it out.

He apologized later for using me to get over his ex-- he's telling you that he was just dating you casually. He's being honest with you about where he's at. And, at least he's thinking about whether he wants to move on from you or not.

 

Let him have the time he needs to think about it all. Don't reach out to him at all now. When/if he does "come back", and if he says he wants to move forward with you, continue to manage your emotions and observe how he dates you going forward. Don't let him string you or himself along. If a guy says he's not over his ex, believe him and realize he may not be in a position emotionally to date you and move forward.

[laelithia]

Thanks for your feedback. I think the part I am struggling with is a) it was such a shock, I was not expecting this conversation to go that way at all. In fact, we had just spent the whole day together with his friends and I was in bed with him to stay the night. I still came believe it went from that to me driving home being hurt and very confused. And b) I wasn't innocent in this either. When I began dating him, I was completely still enamoured with my ex. Through our time together though, I began developing feelings for him and those for my ex dissipated. I suppose when he told me he was not over his ex, part of me feels like the same thing could have happened for him.

 

Another thing I am upset about is that we had this conversation late at night after we had spent the entire day drinking. I don't think that this conversation should have happened under those circumstances. I just am so shocked and confused by the whole thing. I keep wondering in my head, what would have happened if I didn't press the issue?

Edited November 16, 2015 by laelithia

[TheBathWater]

I don't know how to feel. I'm not sure if I messed up or if I did the right thing. The guy I've been dating for 3 months told me today he's not sure he's over his ex. I basically pushed the "where are we going" question after several people in my life (and his) began asking. I was okay with what we had discussed on that front (seeing what happens, both of us not dating anyone else) until today our cab driver asked if we were married or what our status was, and he answered that I was his "special friend". I had no idea how to take that. When I asked him some time later, he said that's how he felt. I asked if there was "room for advanecement" as a joke, and he said of course.

 

This is the part I'm not sure if I messed up or not. Later today, I brought it up again. He then, with much digging on my end, admitted that he was not over his ex of two years ago. This had never been brought up before and I was in shock. He then said he was upset I was bringing up the "where are we going" conversation so early, because he was "working through this" and now that I knew, everything we had built in the past 3 months was tainted/ruined. He apologized later for using me to get over his ex and for being a "commitment phobe", but didn't fully sound genuine when saying this.

 

So now I'm dealing with feeling like I brought this talk up too early and didn't let things develop naturally, and not having this talk soon enough. I'm so confused and have no idea how I should feel. He has said he would like to think about it for the week but that in itself makes me uncomfortable. I don't know, I'm just so saddened and disappointed.

 

He's an ass. It's perfectly fine to hurt over an ex and continue to seek human intimacy, but when you keep seeing someone regularly beyond casual sex, a connection will form and people will start to feel deeper feelings. That's where you are. If he was not considerate of this part of you, he was never worth it to start.

[laelithia]

He kept saying this "where are we going" conversation was so early and that it takes time to commit to someone. He said he didn't expect to care for me and like me as much as he did. Literally none of it makes sense to me

[kismetkismet]

He kept saying this "where are we going" conversation was so early and that it takes time to commit to someone. He said he didn't expect to care for me and like me as much as he did. Literally none of it makes sense to me

 

3 months is definitely not early to be talking about that in my opinion, and it's certainly not early to commit to being an exclusive couple. I believe that usually happens 1-2 months in (though obviously that's not a science, it can be slower if you don't get to see each other often etc). It sounds like he meant for things to be casual with you, but that they have gone further than he meant them to... but that he has not been fully focused on your relationship. I'm not actually sure how i would move forward with that. I would most likely leave... I think that if he is still waffling at 3 months then it's not going to change any time soon.

[laelithia]

I really don't know what to do at this point. I have his pants being repaired and will be done on Wednesday and I have my necklace at his...

[Buddhist]

So now I'm dealing with feeling like I brought this talk up too early and didn't let things develop naturally, and not having this talk soon enough. I'm so confused and have no idea how I should feel. He has said he would like to think about it for the week but that in itself makes me uncomfortable. I don't know, I'm just so saddened and disappointed.

 

You can't be serious can you? His breakup was 2yrs ago, he should have been working through this, well before he ever dated you. Personally I think it's a bull**** story to cover the fact that he really has no intention of being committed to you at all. Men are not stupid, they know that pulling the I'm so damaged and hurt line will often excuse their behaviour and keep the woman clinging to the hope that one day he will commit. Don't fall for it. If he doesn't know where he stands with you after 3 months (really after three dates is enough) then hanging in there is hopeless and you should cut your losses and run. It's only a shock to you because you clearly thought you were his girlfriend while he clearly thought you were his friend with benefits. And to be honest. It sounds like he was fully aware of your idea on the matter and conveniently decided to allow you to think that, rather than correct you.

 

Front up at his house, and get your necklace back. Hand him the receipt for his pants and tell him where he can collect them himself. Job done. Get back out there and find someone worthy of you.

Edited November 17, 2015 by Buddhist

[Versacehottie]

Sorry, Sounds like he is waffling.... Im not going to say you have no hope but as a dude I can tell he's not 100% committed and may just be using you to fill a void.

 

I agree that I hear waffling in what he has said. And I think, in general, 3 months is long enough to have every right to ask that question. I don't know your specifics in the 3 months but in general, you are fine in asking. he's just trying to make you feel bad about it to make the question go away. That's waffling. These are the types of guys you need to get an answer from and be firm in what you want.

 

You can walk if you don't like his answer. And I would suggest you do. A lot of my friends had to do this with their waffly types. It's the only thing that works. BTW, if you walk, make sure that his re-entry is CLEAR AND DEFINED. I know people who have made this mistake and it just drags things out. The very fact that you feel bad makes me worried that he is going to just try to run his game on you. Of indecision. You should not feel bad. Become strong. Be clear about what you want. Pretend like you are advising a friend. Try not to jump to what things would be like with him if you were fully together. Honestly, you should be slightly insulted and that should be the message he is getting. That he f*cked up by bringing up a gf that he broke up with 2 years ago!!! and is potentially gonna lose you. Get that attitude before you talk to him again. Good luck

[laelithia]

I agree that I hear waffling in what he has said. And I think, in general, 3 months is long enough to have every right to ask that question. I don't know your specifics in the 3 months but in general, you are fine in asking. he's just trying to make you feel bad about it to make the question go away. That's waffling. These are the types of guys you need to get an answer from and be firm in what you want.

 

You can walk if you don't like his answer. And I would suggest you do. A lot of my friends had to do this with their waffly types. It's the only thing that works. BTW, if you walk, make sure that his re-entry is CLEAR AND DEFINED. I know people who have made this mistake and it just drags things out. The very fact that you feel bad makes me worried that he is going to just try to run his game on you. Of indecision. You should not feel bad. Become strong. Be clear about what you want. Pretend like you are advising a friend. Try not to jump to what things would be like with him if you were fully together. Honestly, you should be slightly insulted and that should be the message he is getting. That he f*cked up by bringing up a gf that he broke up with 2 years ago!!! and is potentially gonna lose you. Get that attitude before you talk to him again. Good luck

 

I don't even know how to talk to him again. I have no idea what he even remembers from our conversation last night but I feel it's unfair to not tie things up or even let me know what is going on. I suppose I could initiate the final ending but I don't even know when to do it or how. I just feel like he's no longer the person I was easily able to talk to and I'm so baffled as to how to deal with it

[Karine26]

You can't be serious can you? His breakup was 2yrs ago, he should have been working through this, well before he ever dated you. Personally I think it's a bull**** story to cover the fact that he really has no intention of being committed to you at all. Men are not stupid, they know that pulling the I'm so damaged and hurt line will often excuse their behaviour and keep the woman clinging to the hope that one day he will commit. Don't fall for it. If he doesn't know where he stands with you after 3 months (really after three dates is enough) then hanging in there is hopeless and you should cut your losses and run.

 

This. I once had a guy say this to me about a girl from THREE years prior. He gave some story that he was scared of commitment bc the girl cheated and left him when I asked where things were headed at 3 months. We were together all the time so I was not expecting that as an answer. I, however, chose to immediately stop dating him. Well don't you know about 2 weeks later he's Online and updating his profile, meaning it was BS!!

[Versacehottie]

I don't even know how to talk to him again. I have no idea what he even remembers from our conversation last night but I feel it's unfair to not tie things up or even let me know what is going on. I suppose I could initiate the final ending but I don't even know when to do it or how. I just feel like he's no longer the person I was easily able to talk to and I'm so baffled as to how to deal with it

 

Wait, ok this bolded is your first problem. Not your issue to worry about. He should be worrying about what to say to you to get you to accept his call, return his text, listen to what he has to say. He told you he was unsure and not over his gf that he broke up with 2 years ago. He's the one who needs to worry about "how". You only have to listen IF he figures out a way that's compelling enough to listen to. Honestly use this time to figure out exactly what you want. Not just "him". How things with him? How things with anyone? Do you want someone who waffles on you? Who after two years after a breakup and 3 great months with you does not find you commitment-worthy? Get incensed about this! I usually don't try to fire people up but I think you need it or you are in danger of being this guy's doormat and wasting a lot of time on him. This is the crucial moment. It's done--you put the question out there so now you have to back it up like you mean business. OR you will end up in a wishy-washy relationship that he is not committed to and calls all the shots in! And guess what he will likely give you less and less effort since he knows he can get away with it.

 

the best time to get what you want from someone is when they contact you. So it's very simple. Use this time to get clear on your expectations for anyone who deserves to be with you and has earned that right. Practice with yourself communicating that. Then wait until he contacts you. Listen to what he says. He should consider himself "out" after what he said so make sure what he is saying is a strong effort showing he wants back "in". Not a little half-ass attempt to contact you. I'm telling you if you don't back yourself up after a big convo like you just had with him you will have very little leverage in the future. This is not tricking people. It's creating and expecting balance. There are two people in this relationship. Make sure your needs are getting met. If they aren't, be honest with yourself.

 

Stop being so nice. He can tie things up. He didn't say no, he said he didn't know. Thus the burden of coming back to you with a yes or a no, lies in his court. don't "do" everything for him. You don't feel like you can talk to him because you are scared of scaring him away. Not putting your needs first is exactly when guys lose interest. Believe me, he is treating you like you are convenient and available. It will degrade not get better if you are MORE flexible. this is not the time to be flexible. Plus we are not talking about things anyone needs to compromise on. Do you or do you not want to date me? Is this going anywhere? If you want a serious relationship, those should be the standards you hold all the guys you date to, in order to get what YOU want. You can still talk to him (meaning you are able-don't contact him-let him do that). Don't jump to the end. That's a fantasy. right now he is the guy in front of you saying he doesn't know about you. There's nothing to be baffled about. (hurt yes). But he needs to come with something concrete to you, or you would just be fooling yourself. Good luck. Get clear. Let him come to you. 100%

Edited November 17, 2015 by Versacehottie

[laelithia]

Wait, ok this bolded is your first problem. Not your issue to worry about. He should be worrying about what to say to you to get you to accept his call, return his text, listen to what he has to say. He told you he was unsure and not over his gf that he broke up with 2 years ago. He's the one who needs to worry about "how". You only have to listen IF he figures out a way that's compelling enough to listen to. Honestly use this time to figure out exactly what you want. Not just "him". How things with him? How things with anyone? Do you want someone who waffles on you? Who after two years after a breakup and 3 great months with you does not find you commitment-worthy? Get incensed about this! I usually don't try to fire people up but I think you need it or you are in danger of being this guy's doormat and wasting a lot of time on him. This is the crucial moment. It's done--you put the question out there so now you have to back it up like you mean business. OR you will end up in a wishy-washy relationship that he is not committed to and calls all the shots in! And guess what he will likely give you less and less effort since he knows he can get away with it.

 

the best time to get what you want from someone is when they contact you. So it's very simple. Use this time to get clear on your expectations for anyone who deserves to be with you and has earned that right. Practice with yourself communicating that. Then wait until he contacts you. Listen to what he says. He should consider himself "out" after what he said so make sure what he is saying is a strong effort showing he wants back "in". Not a little half-ass attempt to contact you. I'm telling you if you don't back yourself up after a big convo like you just had with him you will have very little leverage in the future. This is not tricking people. It's creating and expecting balance. There are two people in this relationship. Make sure your needs are getting met. If they aren't, be honest with yourself.

 

Stop being so nice. He can tie things up. He didn't say no, he said he didn't know. Thus the burden of coming back to you with a yes or a no, lies in his court. don't "do" everything for him. You don't feel like you can talk to him because you are scared of scaring him away. Not putting your needs first is exactly when guys lose interest. Believe me, he is treating you like you are convenient and available. It will degrade not get better if you are MORE flexible. this is not the time to be flexible. Plus we are not talking about things anyone needs to compromise on. Do you or do you not want to date me? Is this going anywhere? If you want a serious relationship, those should be the standards you hold all the guys you date to, in order to get what YOU want. You can still talk to him (meaning you are able-don't contact him-let him do that). Don't jump to the end. That's a fantasy. right now he is the guy in front of you saying he doesn't know about you. There's nothing to be baffled about. (hurt yes). But he needs to come with something concrete to you, or you would just be fooling yourself. Good luck. Get clear. Let him come to you. 100%

 

This really hit home. I hadn't realized how much things had shifted until I read this. Originally he was chasing me, wining and dining and moving things forward. As soon as he pulled back the slightest bit, I panicked and pushed for a title and did not get the answer I wanted. I think I will take your advice and do nothing. That being said, if a week rolls around and I still have not heard from him, what do I do? Or should I just accept my necklace is gone and forget about his clothes

[laelithia]

Is there any possibility that me pushing for an answer changed his feelings/the direction things were heading? The reason I ask is that the beginning of the talk, I asked him how he felt about me and the direction things were going and he said "I really like you, I don't see anyone but you, and I don't want to see anyone but you". After he said this, I insisted that there was a "but..." Statement that he wasn't saying. He said there wasn't, but I kept pushing and that's when he brought up feelings for his ex. I just don't know, part of me feels like he said that simply to end things because of my inquisitive behaviour. I'm a professional counsellor, and I think sometimes I let that bleed into my personal life.

 

I guess what I'm trying to get at, is if things were on the right course and I derailed things by not enjoying the moment. Or did he never and would have never developed a strong emotional bond with me?

 

Prior to all this mess, he was extemely kind and generous towards me, wanted to meet my whole family and did, included me to events with his friends and family, and was extremely affectionate towards me (ex. Would cuddle me all night, rub my back and kiss me during the night). I'm so confused how things went from that, to this after one conversation. Or did I misread everything?

Edited November 17, 2015 by laelithia

[kpl]

Please listen OP - a guy that really liked you, this conversation would not have phased him. You did nothing wrong. Think about the things he's done and you are still somewhat invested, b/c you really like him.

 

He should be well over his ex. I wouldn't focus on what happened exactly in your conversation, just the overall message which was I can't commit to you. He even told you he isn't sure if he can commit to anyone, not just you. This isn't about you and its a lot more simpler than you are making it. You want to date and eventually be in a relationship, he just wants to date and isn't sure if he can be in a relationship. Just move on he doesn't have what you want and he probably isn't even sure what he wants. Be happy this conversation came up after 3 mos and not now 6 mos or a year. 3 mos is not bad in the grand scheme of things

[Versacehottie]

This really hit home. I hadn't realized how much things had shifted until I read this. Originally he was chasing me, wining and dining and moving things forward. As soon as he pulled back the slightest bit, I panicked and pushed for a title and did not get the answer I wanted. I think I will take your advice and do nothing. That being said, if a week rolls around and I still have not heard from him, what do I do? Or should I just accept my necklace is gone and forget about his clothes

 

Well, let this be a lesson for next time with him or anyone. Try not to have serious conversations when drinking (although it totally sounds like something small turned into a big discussion). The point is that it was niggling at you. Meaning you already felt compromised. I actually always think it's better if a guy asks for exclusivity or title or whatever. However, if you find yourself in a situation where pushed to ask and the cat's out of the bag, you need to back yourself up and stay firm. What would have been more ideal is from the first date treat yourself as such. Create a world where that is the only standard you will accept and watch people rise to it. Little things. It's so early so I can't think of any examples. But study people who always have a guy falling all over himself to commit to her. Basically they keep it moving for lack of a better term. It is as clear as day that if the guy doesn't lock her down she is going to do her thing and find what she wants, meaning he will be left in the dust.

 

And next time don't let your anxiety get the best of you. Realize a little pullback is normal and maybe he was reacting to being cornered. No one likes feeling like that and they rebel against it, especially guys. The thought process is "no one is going to tell me what to do". Thus the very thing you want them to do becomes the enemy. They pull back a little within reason-then you pull back or act normal. It can be a normal ebb and flow which has nothing to do with you. Actually I've seen it right before a guy was being hit over head with his emotions for you in a good way and if freaks him out. However, don't get excited by what I'm saying. Now you are in a semi-stand-off. And there are new thoughts roaming his head. My advice regarding him was do nothing. My advice itself wasn't do nothing. It was to bolster yourself up. Change your attitude about what you deserve and get really clear on how you see a relationship with you being ideally for you to make you happy. I think sometimes when I hear stories similar to yours--a girl thinks too far down the line. They think they would like a relationship that was love and rainbows, where each partner compromised for the good of the relationship. All nice and good. Um, yeah later, way later when that's what you are getting. This guy basically just put a fence up and told you you guys are not that couple yet, maybe never. Thus your reaction is to take away the privledge of being in a relationship with you--because clear and simple you are not in one yet. Not the kind where a person is deserving of you, good behavior from you, favors from you. He's not sure, so you're not sure about him. Really!!!

 

About the pants/necklace. Chances are he will use that little thing as exactly the reason to contact you. My suggestion is that if he just talks about the pants or your necklace, offer to fedex to him. That sends the message that he's coming to you with something half-ass while the bigger question remains unanswered. Not good enough. You will act respectfully and send his stuff back to him but he doesn't get the benefit of seeing you or communicating with you until he comes back with an answer to the question. Think of it like he's a kid. Honestly. You teach people how to treat you. If you allow this biggest moment thus far in your relationship to just blow over in the hopes that you will get the relationship you want from him, he will know he can pull this stuff on you whenever. Don't think of how he's treated you in past or how it "would be" the perfect guy for you. Think of now. This idiot has doubts, about me. WTF. This is who he is right now. You need to manage it by communicating your expectations clearly when he shows you he is in a position to hear them, ie asking for a way back in. I promise. It will save you a lot in terms of time and heartache. Good luck.

[kismetkismet]

Oh wow, I didn't realize that he and the ex had broken up 2 years ago.. that takes it from a reasonable but unfortunate situation to a stupid and terrible excuse. 2 YEARS is far more than enough time to have gotten over someone no matter what happened - particularly after spending 3 months with you. If he claims not to be over it now, he will always claim something along those lines. I still would have said to leave if the break up was more recent, but at least in that situation i would think he was being reasonable and truthful.

 

Is there any possibility that me pushing for an answer changed his feelings/the direction things were heading? The reason I ask is that the beginning of the talk, I asked him how he felt about me and the direction things were going and he said "I really like you, I don't see anyone but you, and I don't want to see anyone but you". After he said this, I insisted that there was a "but..." Statement that he wasn't saying. He said there wasn't, but I kept pushing and that's when he brought up feelings for his ex. I just don't know, part of me feels like he said that simply to end things because of my inquisitive behaviour. I'm a professional counsellor, and I think sometimes I let that bleed into my personal life.

 

I guess what I'm trying to get at, is if things were on the right course and I derailed things by not enjoying the moment. Or did he never and would have never developed a strong emotional bond with me?

 

There is no way that that conversation derailed the whole thing. You were together for 3 months, and all you wanted from him was clarity. One conversation of 3 months of conversation isn't going to suddenly change his mind. Also, the stuff i bolded above is such a cop out. It's a refusal to put a label on things, but giving you a fake version of what he thinks you want to hear. JUST agreeing to not date other people for now, is not enough of a commitment after 3 months. That's something you are able to say after a few WEEKS. By a few months in you should be able to offer something more solid than that.

 

Good on you for pushing for an answer in that situation and not just buying his waffling excuses. Otherwise you could have carried on for several more months and only found out then that he was tepid about the relationship at best... think how terrible that would feel then! Cut your losses and run, you deserve someone who knows that they want you and is excited to be with you.

[Versacehottie]

Is there any possibility that me pushing for an answer changed his feelings/the direction things were heading? The reason I ask is that the beginning of the talk, I asked him how he felt about me and the direction things were going and he said "I really like you, I don't see anyone but you, and I don't want to see anyone but you". After he said this, I insisted that there was a "but..." Statement that he wasn't saying. He said there wasn't, but I kept pushing and that's when he brought up feelings for his ex. I just don't know, part of me feels like he said that simply to end things because of my inquisitive behaviour. I'm a professional counsellor, and I think sometimes I let that bleed into my personal life.

 

I guess what I'm trying to get at, is if things were on the right course and I derailed things by not enjoying the moment. Or did he never and would have never developed a strong emotional bond with me?

 

Prior to all this mess, he was extemely kind and generous towards me, wanted to meet my whole family and did, included me to events with his friends and family, and was extremely affectionate towards me (ex. Would cuddle me all night, rub my back and kiss me during the night). I'm so confused how things went from that, to this after one conversation. Or did I misread everything?

 

Oh no, this is what I'm worried about. Your stance in your head is still that you did something wrong or something is wrong with you. Not so. I mean, maybe it was annoying. I definitely don't like when someone tries to tell me how I'm feeling. Like you pushing you heard a "but" in his statement. Oh well, though. Couples have disagreements, don't see eye to eye on things all the time. It's going to be a very one-sided relationship if you have to walk on eggshells to avoid offending him about minor things. If he was not a commitment phobe or having trouble commitment to you, it may bug him but he's not going to throw in towel on whole relationship. Those were your feelings and your entitled to them. Listen a guy willing to move forward would have been thrilled to hear that you are!! Instead of annoyed and put out by the whole thing. You are holding on too tightly. So the f*ck what if he doesn't like how you said it or the content of what you said?!?!

 

Guaranteed he's gone back to his cave to re-think things. Let him do that. That's the only way you will get the honest answer you deserve on his feelings for you. If you panic and cling after him, he will maybe stay with you for some more time albeit in a very frustrating way for you. You won't get what you want. On his own, he needs to come to the conclusion that he can't afford to lose you. Worrying over what you think you did wrong just plays into his commitment phobe hands. And will lead to manipulation in the future. If he comes back to you with a sincere offer to make it work and actions that back that up, then during one of THOSE discussion you can tell him you re-thought that conversation and will work on your tendency to push for answers in that way. But that's not why he doesn't want to be with you (or said he didn't). Trust me, he's mulling it over in his head. If you act like you did anything wrong in asking, you will just prolong a sh*tty relationship and a world of hurt. Do not go running to him. You know how ludacris (typo but it stays!) it sounds to tell you that he is not over his ex of 2 years ago. It's laughable. He is taking you for a sucker. You need to nip that in the bud.

[acrosstheuniverse]

This is just ridiculous. Three months of seeing someone is plenty enough time to decide whether you want to start a relationship or not. For me it rarely happens later than a month after you start seeing one another, same with my friends. When you're both equally into one another it's almost a battle NOT to ask 'where are we going?' too soon for fear of scaring the other person off. But in three months you met his friends and family, it was going great, it sounds like you fully expected that although you would ask the question, he'd come back with a 'I want us to be together... I thought we already are!?' Instead, he came back with some cockeyed story about not being over his ex, despite it being two YEARS ago!

 

A guy who is nuts about you will want to call you his girlfriend, be keen to lock you down so that you don't get snapped up by some other guy, and will not respond in this manner after three months. If you'd asked this on the first date yes, it'd be offputting and could really damage the budding relationship. But three months? You did nothing wrong in asking, and I get the feeling that his answer would have been the same at one or six months. Good for you, you found out what he wanted so you don't have to waste any further time on the relationship, better now than in months and months from now. I know it feels like he was crazy about you but many people do all of those things with people they're just dating, doesn't necessarily translate into 'I want to be in a relationship'.

 

Honestly I think the ex thing is a total excuse too, but if guy ever said to me 'I'm sorry I used you to get over my ex' I'd be gone in a shot. I see you're a counsellor... what would you say to a client who presented with this exact situation? How would you advise them, honestly?

 

Versacehottie is BANG on with her advice, by the way. You really do need to assert yourself now and have the attitude that you're disappointed by this and are starting to move on and will do so unless he comes up with some pretty good moves in terms of apologising, explaining and rectifying pretty soon. Keep your distance, wait and see what he has to say but I wouldn't hold your breath. He's not crazy enough about you to start a relationship or he'd have asked you out or responded positively to your question already. A man this lukewarm is not a good prospect for a long term relationship.

[laelithia]

Thank you everyone so much for the advice and the support. It really is helping me get through this. I think it's the shock and disappointment of it all that is really making it difficult to look at this objectively. I also think it was horrible timing to have that discussion when we had both been drinking pretty much the entire day, and both were already on edge. That being said, I don't think that would cause the conversation to go the way it did. It just makes it more difficult to fully understand everything since the whole thing is rather hazy to me and I wonder what exactly he remembers from it too. I'm angry with myself for not having the self control to a) not be pushy and b) be patient and have the conversation at a better time. Regardless if it would have changed the outcome or not, it's not the way I wanted to conduct myself and I'm embarrassed about that part

[kismetkismet]

Don't feel angry with yourself or bad about it! You have every right to know where things are headed and where he stands after three months! Your time and feelings are valuable, and he should have been more honest with you throughout so that it didn't come as such a shock for you. Sure it might have been better if you were sober for it, but maybe you wouldn't have had the courage to ask. And you HAD to ask. otherwise you'd still be bumbling forward with your blinders on only to come upon this same problem months down the line when it would be even more painful and shocking. Sometimes if we try toooo hard to be rational and reserved and utterly independent all the time, nothing in the relationship actually gets accomplished. You have a right to have needs and you have a right to have a mutually fulfilling relationship with someone who is on the same page as you. He has a right to his needs though too, you can't change them and it's not necessarily WRONG of him if they don't align with yours. However, to stay in a situation like that would be selling yourself short and wasting your own time. It will leave you off feeling worse about yourself than when you met him, and that's never what love is meant to do.

[thecrucible]

You did the right thing by bringing up the subject. 3 months is long enough and it was niggling away at you - so much better to get it out into the open. I can't add any more than all the great replies you've received but I'd just say that if you've emotionally invested and he's put you into the holding the position of "special friend" better get out now and cut your losses.

[laelithia]

The more I think about it, the more I feel like he acted like he cared about me but I don’t think in reality he did. I noticed an odd thing earlier that day of our conversation. His friend was meeting us at the football game, and she got into a car accident. I seemed to be more concerned about her than he did, despite the fact they had been childhood friends for 20 years. I’m not sure he really has the capacity to have deep meaningful relationships, which makes me think even more that the “I’m not over my ex of 2 years ago” story is untrue and simply an excuse for a way out