My partner's ex girlfriend's dad died

[hellischrome]

So, my partner (Steve) has an ex, Leah. They broke up 3 years ago after 9 years together. Leah's dad was sick for a long time (2 years).

 

Steve has always been there for Leah during her father's illness (long distance, we live in different countries), as he was very attached to her family and especially her dad. Everytime Steve goes back home they catch up for coffee (although I don't like it and I never will, I am just learning to accept that).

 

Last Saturday Steve's mom texted him to say that Leah's dad was in hospital again (the two families are very close even if they broke up 3 years ago). Then yesterday he received a couple of texts and then immediately told me that Leah's dad died. We were watching a movie and he texted back and forth for a few hours (presumably with Leah, I am guessing, I didn't ask), and then we went to bed.

 

He is in a very good mood today, being extra attentive and caring towards me. I know how attached he was to Leah's dad, and how much he cares about her still (I had a hard time accepting this, but now I am forcing myself to understand), and his behaviour is worrying me. He's acting as if nothing happened.

 

Just to give you an idea, when 6 months ago he was telling me that Leah's dad was very very very sick, he cried a little bit (well, he also had 4 or 5 beers). But after that reaction, I expected something different.

That specific time I got upset cause in my opinion he was being a little bit too caring towards someone who was not part of his life anymore. Bad move, I know. I came out as a complete *head, as I pretty much just showed how jealous I was that he was still attached to her and her family.

 

So I am very scared that this reaction he's having now might be fake, and he's doing so not to upset me. But it makes me feel sad, because it means he doesn't trust me and doesn't want to be vulnerable in front of me.

 

I know that time I made a huge mistake, but how can I let Steve understand that it's OK to be very sad in this situation, and he doesn't have to happy in front of me if he's suffering inside? At this point although I appreciate that he's a nice guy and caring towards his friends, I am also worried that this very sad event will lead them to be in contact even more and lean on each other.

 

Just some background: Leah couldn't let go of him for a long time after they broke up, now she's been with someone for more than a year. My partner and I have been together for 2 years, live together and we are about to move together to a new country (I am going for work and he decided to leave everything and come with me).

 

Every point of view is hugely appreciated.

[Ms. Faust]

I am going to state the obvious: communication. I think everyone else will agree. If you and your partner have made the commitment to live together then at the very least you should be able to open up about things.

 

Talk to him and show support.

 

It's quite simple.

[Myragal]

I'll be blunt.

 

I'm not insensitive.

 

Unless there are minor children involved. One's obligation is to your partner. This is the relationship that our energy in life should go into.

 

Keeping emotional ties to former partners, family, etc. is just fuelling insecurity in your current partner. The most successful variable in for any relationship is that the partners feel absolutely secure with each other...in contrast, a recipe for failure is one partner feeling insecure ( regardless of the reason).

 

In theory it is nice to keep some type of contact with a former partner's family. In reality it is just a bad idea. Destructive. We are humans, not robots, and it is understandable that our current partner will feel insecure. Does the contact help the current relationship...no.

 

You don't feel good. You feel insecure. This contact hasn't helped your relationship. I personally do not do optional things that put my relationship in jeopardy.

[MidwestUSA]

He could just be more attentive to you because he's realized that people leave us, sometimes too soon. I know my husband gets really lovey dovey when someone close to him dies. Just a thought.

[hellischrome]

Thanks for the replies.

 

In regards to keeping emotional ties to exes and their families: that's my partner choice and I am not going to put a limit to his freedom until he does something that is not respectful towards me. As far as I know connections with his ex partner are occasional, we've been discussing this over and over and that's the situation now - I am not going to ask him to cut ties with his ex, now or never, I am not that kind of person.

If just keeping the connection will bring him towards her romantically again, well that's a pretty clear sign that we weren't meant to be.

 

I also sporadically speak to my ex of 7 years (usually he dreams about me or I dream about him and we tell each other), that does not mean I am investing less energies in my current relationship.

 

Anyway I spoke to him yesterday: he told me he was obviously very very sad about what happened, but he was very busy with a professional exam until yesterday, and he said he actually did not realise what happened yet because we are so far from home that sometimes it's hard to actually feel involved in things that happen on the other side of the world.

 

He said he has not shut down his emotions and if he'll need to let it out in the next days, he'll do it.

[HopeForTomorrow]

In regards to keeping emotional ties to exes and their families: that's my partner choice and I am not going to put a limit to his freedom until he does something that is not respectful towards me.

 

He HAS done something not respectful to you. He has maintained an emotional connection to an ex, and then expected you to have no issues with it.

 

I also sporadically speak to my ex of 7 years (usually he dreams about me or I dream about him and we tell each other), that does not mean I am investing less energies in my current relationship.

 

Sorry but I disagree. If my partner told his ex that he dreamed about her, I would have a huge problem with it. I would expect him to have a huge problem with it if I did the same. What on earth is the point of telling a long-term ex that you dreamed about them? What can possibly come of that?

 

Exes are exes for a reason. They belong in the past. Period.

 

You referred in an earlier post to her being "no longer in his life" but if he spent HOURS texting with her or her family on the night her dad died, then that is not the case at all. Why would she be relying emotionally on her ex instead of her partner? Do you not see this as a problem?

 

Good luck - just my opinions.