Am I too available?

[Peachland]

And I understand being self reliant when you're single, but when you have a partner willing to drop off a care package, whether you need chicken soup or ginger ale refills, it's probably nice to let them at least fulfill that request once in two weeks, considering I work right beside a grocery store and am close to her house.

 

I agree. I would love for my boyfriend to do this for me. Either she has a different way of interacting in relationships or she really isn't into you. All of it would cause me to pause the relationship and see if she's willing to make an effort. All the excuses would get old real fast.

[Oregon_Dude]

Unless you are medically certified, you can't really make judgements like this.

Well, it's the internet, so I pretty much can.

[CalvinM]

I literally feel like I've painted myself into a corner here, and made myself appear needy. It's certainly not attractive trying to communicate with someone that walls off.

 

I should've countered with Friday, and when she responded with "Are you ok with that?" I should've just said "Yes."

 

I've clearly complicated things by trying to communicate with a sick, slobbery mess that in no way represents the woman I thought I was seeing.

[Oregon_Dude]

Her: "At nearly two months in, and in that two months, there being a gap of time where we haven't connected, I simply didn't see us at the point where I felt comfortable being sick in front of you. I'm still at a point where I am admittedly guarded around you, and wasn't up for being that vulnerable with you. Will it always be this way? No. Obviously as the relationship grows, my comfort level with you will too. I'm not there yet. I'm sorry if this isn't at the right pace for you.

Here's what I hear:

 

"Blah blah blah. I am troubled, difficult, and immature. I don't love you. I'm not even sure if I like you. Me. Me. Me. I'm special. I'm complicated. I'm a princess. Me."

 

Jesus Christ, throw this one back.

[thecrucible]

@Calvin -

 

That would get to me too. You sound like a really giving person who'd make a good boyfriend so it's obviously really frustrating. You said she had trouble with a guy in the past. Maybe she made a mistake of getting close to him too quickly so she is trying not to do the same thing again? I would be confused by her behaviour too. I wish I could offer more in the way of advice.

[CalvinM]

I agree. I would love for my boyfriend to do this for me. Either she has a different way of interacting in relationships or she really isn't into you. All of it would cause me to pause the relationship and see if she's willing to make an effort. All the excuses would get old real fast.

Thank you.

 

I thought I was going crazy.

 

I've had exes ask me to come wait in walking clinic waiting rooms, so I can surely handle buying and delivering soup.

 

For her to turn it around back on me is pretty heartless, imo.

[CalvinM]

@Calvin -

 

That would get to me too. You sound like a really giving person who'd make a good boyfriend so it's obviously really frustrating. You said she had trouble with a guy in the past. Maybe she made a mistake of getting close to him too quickly so she is trying not to do the same thing again? I would be confused by her behaviour too. I wish I could offer more in the way of advice.

Yes, she did.

 

Her father got sick this past summer, and there was an incident at work. She reached out to her ex and he backed off.

 

I don't blame her for being guarded a month in, but it's been closer to three months, and if she's ready for me to meet her family, then why is she not ready for me to take care of her (whether I see her or not) to leave a care package?

 

She was off work Thursday (for Remembrance Day), Friday (her regular day off) and I had merely offered to go to the grocery store to get her supplies so she could stay in bed.

 

To equate that to not wanting to see her tonight for an hour is a leap.

 

I'm going to back off completely for the next few days (something I probably should've done earlier), and monitor things from the sidelines.

[katiegrl]

Yes, she did.

 

Her father got sick this past summer, and there was an incident at work. She reached out to her ex and he backed off.

 

I don't blame her for being guarded a month in, but it's been closer to three months, and if she's ready for me to meet her family, then why is she not ready for me to take care of her (whether I see her or not) to leave a care package?

 

She was off work Thursday (for Remembrance Day), Friday (her regular day off) and I had merely offered to go to the grocery store to get her supplies so she could stay in bed.

 

To equate that to not wanting to see her tonight for an hour is a leap.

 

I'm going to back off completely for the next few days (something I probably should've done earlier), and monitor things from the sidelines.

 

Calvin, agree back off and stop contacting her... I don't agree with your "monitoring things from the sidelines" though.

 

Just live your life... and try not to think about it..

 

She is not stupid, she will know exactly why you are pulling back.

 

When she gets better, IF she still wants to proceed forward, she knows where to find you.

 

But for now, please.... pull back, do nothing. That means no texts, no calls, no "monitoring".... nothing.

 

This is not only to protect yourself...but it will also give her the necessary space to realize either she wants a relationship with you or not.

 

As it stands now...SHE is calling all the shots... and you're looking like her pansy. Twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to figure her out and figure out what to do.

 

DO NOTHING. I mean it....

 

It's not game playing...it's called being self-protective.

 

Like I said, when she gets better, if it's YOU whom she wants.... she knows where to find you.

Edited November 18, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

And to add to above post^^, IF, when you back off, she thinks you have lost interest -- GOOD! Let her think that. And let HER twist herself into a pretzel thinking what SHE is going to do about it! Assuming she is still interested....or becomes interested again after you back off. You have been her "pansy" long enough.

 

Time to take back some of that power you've been handing over to her on a silver platter...

 

Good luck... and keep us posted.

[MovingOnIsHard]

Wow! So despite being too sick she's got enough energy to post on facebook!

 

Calvin, this girl's full of excuses. She's either emotionally unavailable or not into you. You can either wait and wait and wait.. Or you can leave her as is and start seeing someone else.

 

I can see that you are ready for a relationship with someone who wants you in their life. You've only invested 2 months with her... Cut your losses now!

[MovingOnIsHard]

Also, just because she's had horrible experience with an ex, you are NOT obligated to deal with that. If the experience caused her to become emotionally numb, thats not your problem, it's hers and she has to deal with that.

[joseb]

Wow! So despite being too sick she's got enough energy to post on facebook!

 

Calvin, this girl's full of excuses. She's either emotionally unavailable or not into you. You can either wait and wait and wait.. Or you can leave her as is and start seeing someone else.

 

I can see that you are ready for a relationship with someone who wants you in their life. You've only invested 2 months with her... Cut your losses now!

 

Yeah - on the one hand, she seemed to be communicating what she wants in great detail....however, if I was sick I don't think I'd have the energy or patience for that, or for updating facebook.

 

Wonder if she is one of these 'always sick' types....

[Odinani]

I don't see anything wrong with her actions. You two just want different things.

[oregon0011]

Also, just because she's had horrible experience with an ex, you are NOT obligated to deal with that. If the experience caused her to become emotionally numb, thats not your problem, it's hers and she has to deal with that.

 

As the other poster said, she most likely has a personality disorder.. That's basically what they do to you.. Make you confused, feel needy, like you are doing something wrong, being pushy etc..

 

 

It's amazing how so many of these girls with disorders act the same way..

 

A.Constantly changing plans

B. Always some sort of illness, perceived or real

C. Complain about an "abusive" ex. Most likely not even real

 

You could play some game to get her to want you.. But that will be short lived... You will then be back in this exact same spot, as you CANNOT WIN with this type of girl. It really is her, not you.

[oregon0011]

Unless you are medically certified, you can't really make judgements like this.

 

@Calvin - I hate Facebook for that - gets me totally paranoid. Hang in there. I hope you guys can talk and you can have an understanding of what's going on. But to just to recap, I seem to recall you had some other threads about this lady. She seems to be making your head spin a little bit.

 

Not really.. Even medical professionals have a tough time diagnosing BPD.. People can act a certain way when being evaluated..

 

As a guy, when you come across these types, after a while you just know.. And the types of things she is saying and doing are indicative of having a mental disorder.

[CalvinM]

And as I logged on to facebook this morning, I noticed she's now "Feeling awesome :D" while completing a 58 minute run.

[CalvinM]

Given what I know, and assuming this ex she continues to mention exists, it's clear to me that she isn't/wasn't ready to date. Whether she likes me or not, is probably irrelevant.

 

When we first started dating, she made a point of saying this previous ex backed away when her dad got sick, and never asked how he was doing after she'd been to visit him. I've made a point of engaging about his health occasionally after visits.

 

I very recently had food poisoning and hadn't had much of an appetite during, so after I recovered, in the span of a week and a half, I ate a full large pizza, two burgers and a shawarma wrap before returning to my healthier dietal routine. This was criticized by her and she made a point of comparing me to her ex who "claimed to be healthy, but always wanted to go eat fast food."

 

Is this controlling behaviour? Perhaps. But we've been out for dinner twice and both times I paid. Neither time was fast food. Both were reasonably pricy restaurants with genuine ambiance.

 

Secondly, if this is such a "new relationship" (and it is), why invite me in early December to meet them? Why not wait until the new year?

 

It seems rather contradictory to me. But I'm the one entangled in it, so perhaps not.

Edited November 18, 2015 by CalvinM

[oregon0011]

And as I logged on to facebook this morning, I noticed she's now "Feeling awesome :D" while completing a 58 minute run.

 

I am laughing about this... The similar girl I mentioned before was talking about seeing me non stop all week on last Saturday night... A half hour before our meeting she starts with the excuses... Then she said she was just super tired etc...

 

Then an hour later she texts me that she is stressed and decided to go run at the gym.. HAHA So she was too tired to see me, yet not tired enough to go for a 4 mile run...

 

And once again, do not try to justify her words... The girl above was planning what we would do on my birthday 8 months from now...HAHA This was a day before she blew me off and then said she isn't ready to date...

 

After 2 days of no contact she then texts me that she misses me, and feels we are "connected" it's just a huge mind game..

[katiegrl]

She seems to talk about her ex ALOT. Too much IMO.

 

Sounds like she is not over him just yet.

[EricaH329]

It's amazing how so many of these girls with disorders act the same way..

 

Let me correct that sentence for you: It's amazing how so many of these girls who aren't interested in you act the same way.

 

A.Constantly changing plans

B. Always some sort of illness, perceived or real

C. Complain about an "abusive" ex. Most likely not even real

 

In response to your list:

 

A. Sometimes things really do come up. However, constantly changing plans and not rescheduling (to a day that they don't end up rescheduling again) goes hand in hand with not being interested in the other person. Not putting them as a priority.

 

B. Again, constant illnesses could be the cause of an underlying medical issue. BUT - going back to the point that I made before, it could also mean they aren't interested.

 

C. You'd be surprised at how many women have had an abusive ex. Whether it's physically or emotionally. I don't think i've ever met a woman who has pretended to have an abusive ex. Since it's all subjective, it isn't any one persons place to determine whether or not the infliction done to the woman was considered abuse or not. There are varying degrees and levels to it.

 

You seem to equate a girl who isn't interested in you (or another person) as having a 'disorder'. I'm just glad you (clearly) don't work as a doctor of any sort. That's so far-fetched. You are literally reaching for an excuse as to why women aren't interested in men.

 

However, having said that, Calvin - this girl just doesn't sound interested in you. If it's been 2 weeks without seeing eachother, and she really liked you, she would have made it happen. It doesn't make much sense that she's too sick to see you, but can still make it to work.

 

I understand the need for alone time while being sick, but her reaction to you when you essentially asked to see her more often - leads me to believe she doesn't care that much to put the effort in. Not to mention the constant rescheduling as well.

[oregon0011]

Let me correct that sentence for you: It's amazing how so many of these girls who aren't interested in you act the same way.

 

 

 

In response to your list:

 

A. Sometimes things really do come up. However, constantly changing plans and not rescheduling (to a day that they don't end up rescheduling again) goes hand in hand with not being interested in the other person. Not putting them as a priority.

 

B. Again, constant illnesses could be the cause of an underlying medical issue. BUT - going back to the point that I made before, it could also mean they aren't interested.

 

C. You'd be surprised at how many women have had an abusive ex. Whether it's physically or emotionally. I don't think i've ever met a woman who has pretended to have an abusive ex. Since it's all subjective, it isn't any one persons place to determine whether or not the infliction done to the woman was considered abuse or not. There are varying degrees and levels to it.

 

You seem to equate a girl who isn't interested in you (or another person) as having a 'disorder'. I'm just glad you (clearly) don't work as a doctor of any sort. That's so far-fetched. You are literally reaching for an excuse as to why women aren't interested in men.

 

.

 

 

Here is the reality... millions of women DO have either NPD, BPD, Bi polar, histrionic etc.. These women often go through many men and date ALOT, so it is not rare to come across many.

 

A lack of interest would mean the woman wouldn't even go out with you, or maybe once or twice..She would not be, in this case, lining up sleep overs, asking him to meet her family, etc.

 

The relationship with one of these women ALWAYS takes the same route..

 

A. Idealization: Meet and the girl love bombs you, in most cases.. You are awesome, the best, wonderful.. They constantly contact you, want you, and make you feel like you found your soulmate.. During this stage they always have some "abusive ex", so you feel sorry for them, and want to treat them nice..They also tend to have various "ailments", that might or might not even exist.. Maybe to get more sympathy.. They also start to make long term future plans with you... Like in this case she wants him to meet her family..In other cases they mention love, family, kids, etc..

 

B. Devalue: So, once the guy is totally ensnarled, she then loses interest.. She becomes nasty, (read what this girl writes him), flakes, and is totally incapable of going past the initial stage.. This leaves the guy wondering what he did wrong, if he is too "needy", if he should start playing some games too, if he is too available etc... Nothing makes any sense. if you treat them nice and give attention, you are weak and needy.. if you do not give them attention you are just like their ex.. it is a total no win situation. They sort of hate themselves, so the fact that you like them is ironically a total turn off.

 

C. Discard: The girl then is totally repulsed by you, and acts like you were absolutely nothing.. In most cases she is already seeing someone else, or many people at the same time..

 

Meanwhile the guy is asking the exact same things Calvin is... What did i do wrong? Why did she ask me to meet her family? Why is she now nasty? Why is she not showing up and rescheduling? Am I too nice? Not nice enough? her ex was bad, so i will be nice, but now i am needy?

Edited November 18, 2015 by oregon0011

[EricaH329]

Here is the reality... millions of women DO have either NPD, BPD, Bi polar, histrionic etc.. These women often go through many men and date ALOT, so it is not rare to come across many.

 

A lack of interest would mean the woman wouldn't even go out with you, or maybe once or twice..She would not be, in this case, lining up sleep overs, asking him to meet her family, etc.

 

The relationship with one of these women ALWAYS takes the same route..

 

A. Idealization: Meet and the girl love bombs you, in most cases.. You are awesome, the best, wonderful.. They constantly contact you, want you, and make you feel like you found your soulmate.. During this stage they always have some "abusive ex", so you feel sorry for them, and want to treat them nice..They also tend to have various "ailments", that might or might not even exist.. Maybe to get more sympathy.. They also start to make long term future plans with you... Like in this case she wants him to meet her family..In other cases they mention love, family, kids, etc..

 

B. Devalue: So, once the guy is totally ensnarled, she then loses interest.. She becomes nasty, (read what this girl writes him), flakes, and is totally incapable of going past the initial stage.. This leaves the guy wondering what he did wrong, if he is too "needy", if he should start playing some games too, if he is too available etc... Nothing makes any sense. if you treat them nice and give attention, you are weak and needy.. if you do not give them attention you are just like their ex.. it is a total no win situation. They sort of hate themselves, so the fact that you like them is ironically a total turn off.

 

C. Discard: The girl then is totally repulsed by you, and acts like you were absolutely nothing.. In most cases she is already seeing someone else, or many people at the same time..

 

Meanwhile the guy is asking the exact same things Calvin is... What did i do wrong? Why did she ask me to meet her family? Why is she now nasty? Why is she not showing up and rescheduling? Am I too nice? Not nice enough? her ex was bad, so i will be nice, but now i am needy?

 

Just a quick search of how many people have BPD - I came across this site NIMH » Borderline Personality Disorder that states that 1.6 percent of adults have BPD in a given year. Doesn't reference how many of those are women, but just an example that while yes - some people may have it, it certainly isn't the majority. And that's just a quick search on BPD.

 

I'm not implying that she never had interest in him. She most likely did (and still does to a certain extent - that extent being that she hasn't broken up with him yet), so that could explain making future plans with him (meeting her family, etc.).

 

As far as your assessment of the stages women go through in a relationship goes - that's an indication of what some women may do if they are emotionally unstable. I could write paragraphs on what a man who is afraid of commitment would do too, or a man who is a player.

 

The point is: Not everyone who shows a lack of interest has a disorder.

 

People who are interested in their boyfriends/girlfriends make time to see them. Once every 2 weeks is an awful long time to go without seeing a partner when they don't live hundreds of miles away.

 

Call it incompatibility or lack of interest - this clearly doesn't look like it's working for either of them.

[oregon0011]

Just a quick search of how many people have BPD - I came across this site NIMH » Borderline Personality Disorder that states that 1.6 percent of adults have BPD in a given year. Doesn't reference how many of those are women, but just an example that while yes - some people may have it, it certainly isn't the majority. And that's just a quick search on BPD.

 

 

 

The point is: Not everyone who shows a lack of interest has a disorder.

 

 

A. I stated there are a range of possible disorders that predominantly affect women, not just BPD.

 

B. You are oversimplfying, and I obviously NEVER said "If a woman doesn't have interest it is because she has a a disorder.."

 

I said in this case, the girl is very "odd" to say the least.. Constant rescheduling...Various "illnesses".. Keeps talking about some abusive ex..Starts writing mean emails...But also making plans with him, telling him he should meet her family, how she wants him to spend the night etc..

 

And it leaves him totally confused, feeling he is too needy, or too available etc..

 

That's how disordered people treat others in relationships.. If I am not interested in some girl, i would not be telling her she needs to come meet my family.. And if her interest fluctuates THAT MUCH, and so quickly,, (meet my family, no I cant see you) it is a sign she is pretty messed up.

 

maybe this odd behavior is so common today that it is the new normal. I have no idea..

[CalvinM]

I'm just going to leave this right here. Cliff, btw is the guy I mentioned in the other thread:

 

http://i.imgur.com/a4ID77z.png?1

 

*It makes my skin crawl.*

[oregon0011]

I'm just going to leave this right here. Cliff, btw is the guy I mentioned in the other thread:

 

http://i.imgur.com/a4ID77z.png?1

 

*It makes my skin crawl.*

 

What is that? She is going to a concert with another guy?