Am I too available?

November 17, 2015

Same here, but I'm usually the horndog haha

Awesome! So dinner at six? Haha....I kid but you sound like a great girl, Hope your dude likes you.

November 17, 2015

Me: "I know the past couple weeks haven't been great between my food poisoning and your flu, but I'd like to see you, even if it's to drop off a care package."

Me: "I don't know what kind of partners you've had before, and frankly, I don't care. I want to feel like I'm contributing, even if it's just rubbing your back, etc."

Her: "I would love a back rub tomorrow :)"

Me: "And I understand your time with W is important. I honestly don't mind us rescheduling if it means you get to spend time with him, or to see your dad on a weekend. I'm trying to let you do all those things, but I need to make sure there's time for us too."

Her: "Absolutely. Friday works fine for me, in terms of rescheduling Saturday and I'd love to get together with you tomorrow evening."

You're "trying to let" her do things? Whoa! That is not the appropriate attitude really for a boyfriend of a mere 10 weeks. She can do whatever she wishes, whenever she wishes.

November 17, 2015

Her: "I'm admittedly at a loss at this point. I don't understand why this has become what it is. When I'm sick, I've had a tendency of bunkering down in an attempt to get better: as I spend my day talking and working directly with people, I typically shut down once I'm home. I don't really do much talking-as my voice by that point is just about gone; I take a bath, a bunch of cough syrup so I can sleep through the night and I'm in bed-usually by 7.
I understand your desire to want to help, but I reiterate: for the past 10 years my habit has been to look after myself. I can certainly work on letting you help more when I do get sick, but its not going to be an overnight change in my behaviour. This is what I was trying to do, in suggesting we get together for an hour this evening. Yes, its me appeasing you, but I'm doing it because I have learned now, over these last few days, that this is something very important to you, so again, I was willing to make a slight change in my normal routine when sick, with the hope that it would show you this has nothing to do with my pushing you away, or brushing you off. I'm not a social person when I'm sick. I'm just not. Again though, as that in person connection is valuable to you, even when sick, I'm trying to make a few small changes to meet you half way. Or at least I was trying to. I've had great partners in the past who have been wonderful with me, while I was sick and have taken great care of me. I've also had partners give me space when it was needed, while sick.
I come back to the point I made yesterday, and have made a few times now: this is still a new relationship, and one that I am not interested in rushing. At nearly two months in, and in that two months, there being a gap of time where we haven't connected, I simply didn't see us at the point where I felt comfortable being sick in front of you. I'm still at a point where I am admittedly guarded around you, and wasn't up for being that vulnerable with you. Will it always be this way? No. Obviously as the relationship grows, my comfort level with you will too. I'm not there yet. I'm sorry if this isn't at the right pace for you."

*Seems like she's pushing this back on me.*

Oh gawd man..she's lecturing you now. It's over dude. I don't see any feelings for you at all. At two months it should be a lot of happy flirty texts or sexting not this...

November 17, 2015

Her: "I'm admittedly at a loss at this point. I don't understand why this has become what it is. When I'm sick, I've had a tendency of bunkering down in an attempt to get better: as I spend my day talking and working directly with people, I typically shut down once I'm home. I don't really do much talking-as my voice by that point is just about gone; I take a bath, a bunch of cough syrup so I can sleep through the night and I'm in bed-usually by 7.
I understand your desire to want to help, but I reiterate: for the past 10 years my habit has been to look after myself. I can certainly work on letting you help more when I do get sick, but its not going to be an overnight change in my behaviour. This is what I was trying to do, in suggesting we get together for an hour this evening. Yes, its me appeasing you, but I'm doing it because I have learned now, over these last few days, that this is something very important to you, so again, I was willing to make a slight change in my normal routine when sick, with the hope that it would show you this has nothing to do with my pushing you away, or brushing you off. I'm not a social person when I'm sick. I'm just not. Again though, as that in person connection is valuable to you, even when sick, I'm trying to make a few small changes to meet you half way. Or at least I was trying to. I've had great partners in the past who have been wonderful with me, while I was sick and have taken great care of me. I've also had partners give me space when it was needed, while sick.
I come back to the point I made yesterday, and have made a few times now: this is still a new relationship, and one that I am not interested in rushing. At nearly two months in, and in that two months, there being a gap of time where we haven't connected, I simply didn't see us at the point where I felt comfortable being sick in front of you. I'm still at a point where I am admittedly guarded around you, and wasn't up for being that vulnerable with you. Will it always be this way? No. Obviously as the relationship grows, my comfort level with you will too. I'm not there yet. I'm sorry if this isn't at the right pace for you."

*Seems like she's pushing this back on me.*

Calvin, back off.

She sounds extremely independent ...and probably sees your behavior as needy.

You don't sound compatible, period. You have different *space* needs and that will never change.

I am ALOT like she is, always have been. My fiance and I live together, but our living arrangement is far from conventional. I won't go into it, as I don't want to hijack...only to say that most couples would never go for it...

But it works for us cause our need for space is the same!

Yours isn't....obviously.

If you want this to work, YOU are going to have to do some major accommodating otherwise you will eventually push her away.

Actually it sounds like she is halfway out the door already....so back off.

Speaking from experience.......

Edited November 17, 2015 by katiegrl

November 17, 2015

She's just not into you, my friend

Me: "Am I still seeing you after work?"

Her: "Sure. I'm not usually getting home until after 5 now, with walking. I could use some time to shower and make dinner. Could we do 7? At this point, I'm still pretty wiped by the end of the day, so if we could make it a shorter visit-until 8-I'd appreciate it."

*She's been doing this a lot lately, shortening visits. And perhaps I should be happy I'm seeing her at all, but an hour is a joke."

Me: "Why don't we just postpone until Friday then, we when have more time together?"

Her: "Are you okay with that?"

Me: "..."

November 17, 2015

I don't get why I should be the only one that accommodates.

She made it clear that her ex wasn't able to be honest with her, to open up and discuss things, but then she contradicts herself and remains emotionally unavailable.

If this is me being needy (and I don't think it is), then clearly we're not compatible.

November 17, 2015

It seems to me that you two are incompatible. You shouldn't have to be the only one that accommodates if you don't want to, but it seems like you're unlikely to get much more accommodation from her. It doesn't mean that either of you are wrong necessarily, but it does seem like you two have different needs. That's something that is unlikely to change and you're both already bristling at each other about it after 2 months. I have tried to accommodate other people's different needs before because I knew neither of us was WRONG and I really liked the person - never ended well. You always feel clamped out and needy, and the other person always feels dragged upon. It's an unpleasant dynamic and an unnecessary one. There are women out there who are more on your level, it's not unusual.

November 17, 2015

I don't get why I should be the only one that accommodates.

She made it clear that her ex wasn't able to be honest with her, to open up and discuss things, but then she contradicts herself and remains emotionally unavailable.

If this is me being needy (and I don't think it is), then clearly we're not compatible.

Yeah does not sound fair, but frankly trying to conform a very independent person who requires lots of space... to a person who is less independent and is desirous of less space... is nearly impossible to accomplish.

He/she will feel suffocated, boxed in and stifled, and end up feeling you are needy and demanding.

As I and others have said, you simply sound incompatible with respect to that.

However, if YOU really do want to make it work, you will need to be more accommodating because it would be easier for you to become more independent ... needing less time spent, than the other way around... (for the reasons I stated above).

It's up to you, but if I were you, I would simply move on as I don't think you would be happy having to accommodate her independent nature and need for space.

November 17, 2015

Yeah does not sound fair, but frankly trying to conform a very independent person who requires lots of space... to a person who is less independent and is desirous of less space... is nearly impossible to accomplish.

He/she will feel suffocated, boxed in and stifled, and end up feeling you are needy and demanding.

As I and others have said, you simply sound incompatible with respect to that.

However, if YOU really do want to make it work, you will need to be more accommodating because it would be easier for you to become more independent ... needing less time spent, than the other way around... (for the reasons I stated above).

It's up to you, but if I were you, I would simply move on as I don't think you would be happy having to accommodate her independent nature and need for space.

I agree with everything said there except for what I put in bold. I'm not even a particularly needy person, but i tried to date someone who was extremely independent and it was quite awful. Despite understanding that he needed the space and that it wasn't personal, I wasn't having my needs met by the relationship. I didn't feel needed and wanted in the ways that make me really happy when in a relationship. Because we both really loved and respected each other I thought that I could just reel it back.. but even though we always got along and didn't really ever fight, the whole relationship felt cold and lonely to me. I shrank as a person because I constantly felt like I had to hold myself back in a variety of ways. It just wasn't me.

You don't have to sacrifice your needs for connection and mutual interdependence just as she doesn't need to sacrifice her need for space. Every relationship comes with a certain degree of compromise and adjustment, but it only works in a fulfilling way to a certain degree.

November 17, 2015

I agree with everything said there except for what I put in bold. I'm not even a particularly needy person, but i tried to date someone who was extremely independent and it was quite awful. Despite understanding that he needed the space and that it wasn't personal, I wasn't having my needs met by the relationship. I didn't feel needed and wanted in the ways that make me really happy when in a relationship. Because we both really loved and respected each other I thought that I could just reel it back.. but even though we always got along and didn't really ever fight, the whole relationship felt cold and lonely to me. I shrank as a person because I constantly felt like I had to hold myself back in a variety of ways. It just wasn't me.

You don't have to sacrifice your needs for connection and mutual interdependence just as she doesn't need to sacrifice her need for space. Every relationship comes with a certain degree of compromise and adjustment, but it only works in a fulfilling way to a certain degree.

Oh I 100% agree with you and I wasn't advising him to stay with her and become accommodating.

I actually said they are incompatible and if it were me, I would walk away.

However, IF he chose to stay, it would be easier for him to accommodate her independent nature than the other way around, which I still believe.

It wasn't easy for you ...I understand that. But others may be able to swing it (my own fiancé did with me)... so it's up to him if he could -- again IF he chooses to stay with her.

November 17, 2015

Me: "Am I still seeing you after work?"

Her: "Sure. I'm not usually getting home until after 5 now, with walking. I could use some time to shower and make dinner. Could we do 7? At this point, I'm still pretty wiped by the end of the day, so if we could make it a shorter visit-until 8-I'd appreciate it."

*She's been doing this a lot lately, shortening visits. And perhaps I should be happy I'm seeing her at all, but an hour is a joke."

Me: "Why don't we just postpone until Friday then, we when have more time together?"

Her: "Are you okay with that?"

Me: "..."

Are we dating the same woman?

I am not buying the "independent" scenario.. Perhaps she is independent with you, and there is probably a reason for that.. An ex, another guy, a mental issue, etc..

I am an extremely independent person, and have no problem being single.. I enjoy my time.. But when with someone you like, you like to see them often, obviously.. If once every two weeks is some hassle, there is something else going on.. Especially if plans are always changed, shortened, etc..

It doesn't even make sense.."Wow, I have the butterflies with this person, have a great time, am so into them, but I only want this once in a while, and I will change plans often"

November 17, 2015

In an adult relationship, 2 months is a long enough time to begin conversing about issues. What happens after you've expressed your concerns to the other person, is up to them (and also proves their character, along with your compatibility).

yes, it is long enough.. But she barely sees him and is obviously playing a sort of game... No way on earth would he get some straightforward and honest answer from a woman like this.. She would just get turned off, think he is needy, feel he is a burden etc..,

November 17, 2015

Hmm this is really strange to me. It's the beginning of a relationship, she's sick... like snotty, grey in the face, greasy hair, coughing hairballs. Of course she doesn't want to hang out! I'd be horrified if someone offered to rub my back in that condition. Shove some chicken soup in my mailbox and kindly leave. She was also really, really clear and articulate in communicating that to you AND trying to accommodate your needs by meeting you for a bit although she wasn't feeling up to it. If you think you're incompatible based on that? Well, maybe. I just can't see why anyone would want to force themselves on another person while they're sick. Maybe when we've been together for like a year or something I'd let my bf see me like that and make him read to me. But you guys haven't even had sex yet! You're acting way too boyfriendy way too early in the game, gotta keep some mystery alive, my friend.

November 17, 2015

Hi Calvin,

My view is you need to be honest with yourself about what your needs are and what you require in a relationship. I don't think you should think of yourself as needy, just that your needs are different to hers. If you need a lot of close personal time then there is nothing wrong with that. And her needs are that she needs a certain degree of space. She seems to be someone who gets drained by social interaction at work and just wants to retreat when she gets home in order to recharge her batteries. She also seems to have a pretty active life where it's difficult to fit everything in. Would you say you're as busy as her?

I also think you are probably a more emotional thinker than her and she seems more practically minded and a straight shooter when she responds to you. Maybe that means you're not getting the emotional reciprocation you desire. If that's the case, I know how you feel. I'm quite an emotional person and I've learned that not every man will be able to give me the emotional stimulation I'm looking for in order to feel secure in a relationship.

Then in addition to that you want to carry on the relationship at a faster pace than she does. She thinks that your offer to visit her when she was sick was an indication of more intimacy and closeness than she is ready for (for some people it's a big deal for someone to be around them when they are sick)...

I'm also thinking reading this that this all seems a bit intense for two months in and overly serious. To me, things should still be fairly lighthearted at this stage. You'll have to have some kind of time limit for determining whether you are really on the same wavelength and can make adjustments to make it work. It may be that your relationship needs don't square up. If that's the case, it's better to realise it sooner rather than later and not be drawn in to a longer relationship where you don't feel satisfied.

November 17, 2015

yes, it is long enough.. But she barely sees him and is obviously playing a sort of game... No way on earth would he get some straightforward and honest answer from a woman like this.. She would just get turned off, think he is needy, feel he is a burden etc..,

I disagree with you. She has different needs for human interaction. It may mean they're incompatible. It may mean that she's not into him. But it doesn't mean she's playing games. I mean Calvin has quoted more than a few messages from her where she's being pretty transparent about what she's thinking.

November 18, 2015

I disagree with you. She has different needs for human interaction. It may mean they're incompatible. It may mean that she's not into him. But it doesn't mean she's playing games. I mean Calvin has quoted more than a few messages from her where she's being pretty transparent about what she's thinking.

Did you read post 25?

I am guessing this girl has a personality disorder...

How often do people get sick, repeatedly reschedule when they are at the beginning of a relationship and are totally into each other? Being sick is the oldest excuse, 99% of the time..I mean 4 reschedules already?

As for the "busy" comment, I am a divorced dad, with a business, a house, friends, cars, who plays sports and I NEVER have a problem making time..

Edited November 18, 2015 by oregon0011

November 18, 2015

Being sick is the oldest excuse, 99% of the time..I mean 4 reschedules already?

As for the "busy" comment, I am a divorced dad, with a business, a house, friends, cars, who plays sports and I NEVER have a problem making time..

My ex, upon breaking up with me, suddenly got "sick". Hmm, interesting.

People are liars and cowards who often will do anything but tell the truth.

This girl ain't interested in you anymore, OP. The only chance you have of regaining her interest is to go no contact. Which is just bullsh*t games, anyway.

Move on. This is over.

November 18, 2015

Did you read post 25?

I am guessing this girl has a personality disorder...

How often do people get sick, repeatedly reschedule when they are at the beginning of a relationship and are totally into each other? Being sick is the oldest excuse, 99% of the time..I mean 4 reschedules already?

As for the "busy" comment, I am a divorced dad, with a business, a house, friends, cars, who plays sports and I NEVER have a problem making time..

Feeling 'busy' doesn't have to mean actually having zero time. I'm introverted myself and I feel crowded quite easily and time weighs heavily on me so my kind of 'busy' is different to other people's. I find I need more time to myself.

But yes I did hint that maybe she isn't into him. I just can't tell if she's someone who really is a slow burner or someone who's on the fence.

November 18, 2015

yes, it is long enough.. But she barely sees him and is obviously playing a sort of game... No way on earth would he get some straightforward and honest answer from a woman like this.. She would just get turned off, think he is needy, feel he is a burden etc..,

I don't necessarily think she's playing games, but she's definitely withdrawn. Her ex used her during a time when she needed that physical comfort and he just wanted sex. She closed off, and I'm here dealing with the results of that.

I've dated someone like this before, with an ex whose long term partner cheated and our subsequent dating never got off the ground.

I'm not a needy person, but there's been so much space in between this past month and I literally feel like I'm pulling teeth trying to get responses from her, walking on eggshells to find out if plans have changed (shortened dates, or dates cancelled all together).

The wrench came earlier this week when she asked if I wanted to meet her family. I think the path we were going on in the first two months was heading in a reasonably well paced direction, but lately the texting has almost all but stopped and she's been almost non responsive.

I get that she's sick, and if this is who she is when she's sick, it's probably better to know now, but it's making things awkward for me to reach out and then feel her burrow further into a pile of blankets and Kleenex boxes trying to make a connection.

November 18, 2015

Are we dating the same woman?

I am not buying the "independent" scenario.. Perhaps she is independent with you, and there is probably a reason for that.. An ex, another guy, a mental issue, etc..

I am an extremely independent person, and have no problem being single.. I enjoy my time.. But when with someone you like, you like to see them often, obviously.. If once every two weeks is some hassle, there is something else going on.. Especially if plans are always changed, shortened, etc..

It doesn't even make sense.."Wow, I have the butterflies with this person, have a great time, am so into them, but I only want this once in a while, and I will change plans often"

It's her dad, her nephew, migraines, vertigo..

All legitimate reasons, but I've been far too accommodating in seeing her that I think I've relegated myself to the back burner.

And I understand being self reliant when you're single, but when you have a partner willing to drop off a care package, whether you need chicken soup or ginger ale refills, it's probably nice to let them at least fulfill that request once in two weeks, considering I work right beside a grocery store and am close to her house.

November 18, 2015

And maybe I just need to avoid facebook..

I logged in just now to see this:

"Crappy Tuesdays that chew you up and spit you out are instantly made better when your colleague offers you a bowl of pure joy in the form of Kraft Dinner."

Is it just me, or is this contradictory? Smh.

November 18, 2015

It's her dad, her nephew, migraines, vertigo..

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Look it up. Mark my words.

November 18, 2015

And maybe I just need to avoid facebook..

I logged in just now to see this:
"Crappy Tuesdays that chew you up and spit you out are instantly made better when your colleague offers you a bowl of pure joy in the form of Kraft Dinner."

Is it just me, or is this contradictory? Smh.

Thats a kick in the nuggets...For sure.

November 18, 2015

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Look it up. Mark my words.

Unless you are medically certified, you can't really make judgements like this.

@Calvin - I hate Facebook for that - gets me totally paranoid. Hang in there. I hope you guys can talk and you can have an understanding of what's going on. But to just to recap, I seem to recall you had some other threads about this lady. She seems to be making your head spin a little bit.

November 18, 2015

This is the part specifically that made me uneasy (from this afternoon).

Her: "At nearly two months in, and in that two months, there being a gap of time where we haven't connected, I simply didn't see us at the point where I felt comfortable being sick in front of you. I'm still at a point where I am admittedly guarded around you, and wasn't up for being that vulnerable with you. Will it always be this way? No. Obviously as the relationship grows, my comfort level with you will too. I'm not there yet. I'm sorry if this isn't at the right pace for you.

Me: "Why do you feel guarded around me?"

Her: "it's more a wanting on my part to not rush things."

*Ok, so why use the word guarded? Maybe apprehensive or cautious, but guarded to me makes me sound abusive.*

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