Am I too available?

[CalvinM]

I've been seeing my gf for about two and a half months.

 

We usually see each other mid week and then on Saturday or Sunday. For the past week she'd had the flu, so Saturday nights plans (dinner and me staying over for the first time) got postponed to Sunday, then Monday when she still wasn't feeling well.

 

I didn't hear from her much the following week, until Thursday morning. She said she was feeling better and that we should see each other that night maybe for pho (Vietnamese soup), or something light while she gets her appetite back. I offered to bring her supplies, etc, but she preferred to just sleep/didn't want to be contagious.

 

Thursday morning she went out for Remembrance Day here with her brother, brother's wife and their son (her nephew) W. She's not close to her brother (age gap is 10 years), but she really likes W.

 

It was cold and wet here on Thursday and she's sick again. On top of that, she didn't get to see W much, so she was a bit annoyed.

 

We rescheduled for next Saturday (dinner plans again, possibly me sleeping over), but this morning her sister in law asked if she'd babysit and asked me if she could reschedule for Friday (no sleep over), since she's up early Saturday to see her parents. I'd be going to see her around 6 and leaving around 10, and we haven't seen each other in almost two weeks.

 

I'm backing off a bit for now, to see if she makes plans for either Monday or Tuesday (my days off next week) and I understand she's close to W, but I feel a bit short changed.

 

She also asked on Sunday of last week if I wanted to meet her family in early December during a Santa Clause parade in her parents town about 45 minutes from here. I'd like to go, since it might help us reconnect, but I'm also not really sure we know each other well enough since we haven't really spent much time together as it is.

 

Thoughts?

[CalvinM]

After giving this some thought, it occurs to me in the two previous times (four total) that we've planned for me to stay over, she's rescheduled to either the next day or a few days later.

 

We've yet to sleep together (we have fooled around), and she said she wants our first time to be on a night where we're not rushed. I'm partially to blame for this, I suppose, since I work nights. But she's also a morning person, who wakes up at 4:30 to go for runs. I also run and am open to running with her, but when brought up, she merely says "I'd like that sometime."

 

I'm not frustrated by the lack of intimacy, but perhaps disappointed that it doesn't seem to be as important to her, since it's such an easy thing for her to reschedule to a day when I work, or she gets up early.

 

The few times things have progressed (consensually) past making out, it was me who instigated (always making sure she was ok with it). Perhaps that's my best course of action going forward..

[Redfisher]

You are putting in more effort for sure...But if you like her keep it up, Maybe when her life settles down she will return it in spades.

[oregon0011]

I sees and your feeling completely. You want to see her, but she keeps delaying, changing etc.

 

I don't think you are too available but just be careful not to get to emotionally involved as of yet. Whenever I had a relationship like this it tended to not work out for long. It comes off as her being a little flaky, and sometimes this just won't change.

[CalvinM]

I feel like I'm delaying my plans on days off until I hear from her. It makes me uneasy.

 

Granted, I still see friends regardless. I made plans in the afternoon the first Saturday and have plans next Saturday too.

 

In her defense, I did have food poisoning one of the four Saturdays, but I kept her in the loop throughout that week.

 

 

I can't tell if she's just not used to communicating every few days.

[EricaH329]

The only way to really find out what's going on (whether she's pulling away, or if this truly is just how she is), is by communicating your concerns with her.

 

Tell her you feel like she isn't putting much effort into the relationship. Let her know how it makes you feel not being able to see her.

 

You'd be surprised at how much conflict can get resolved just by simply communicating what you want and how you feel to another person.

[fred123]

The only way to really find out what's going on (whether she's pulling away, or if this truly is just how she is), is by communicating your concerns with her.

 

Tell her you feel like she isn't putting much effort into the relationship. Let her know how it makes you feel not being able to see her.

 

You'd be surprised at how much conflict can get resolved just by simply communicating what you want and how you feel to another person.

 

Wrong! Ud be suprised how this can turn a girl off or even ul just get bull**** lies and excuses. Iv tried communicating with girls in the past about my concerns and they all reassured me it was all ok and guess wghat?? Everytime my gut was right lol.

[smackie9]

It's only been two weeks, which is dic kall. Spend time skyping, or propose a mini date and meet up for coffee.

[EricaH329]

Wrong! Ud be suprised how this can turn a girl off or even ul just get bull**** lies and excuses. Iv tried communicating with girls in the past about my concerns and they all reassured me it was all ok and guess wghat?? Everytime my gut was right lol.

 

In an adult relationship, 2 months is a long enough time to begin conversing about issues. What happens after you've expressed your concerns to the other person, is up to them (and also proves their character, along with your compatibility).

[BlueIris]

I feel like I'm delaying my plans on days off until I hear from her. It makes me uneasy.

 

Granted, I still see friends regardless. I made plans in the afternoon the first Saturday and have plans next Saturday too.

 

In her defense, I did have food poisoning one of the four Saturdays, but I kept her in the loop throughout that week.

 

I can't tell if she's just not used to communicating every few days.

 

Don't delay making plans for yourself. Just do what you would normally do until the two of you can find a mutually convenient time and make firm arrangements.

[CalvinM]

Me: "I know the past couple weeks haven't been great between my food poisoning and your flu, but I'd like to see you, even if it's to drop off a care package."

 

Me: "I don't know what kind of partners you've had before, and frankly, I don't care. I want to feel like I'm contributing, even if it's just rubbing your back, etc."

 

Her: "I would love a back rub tomorrow :)"

 

Me: "And I understand your time with W is important. I honestly don't mind us rescheduling if it means you get to spend time with him, or to see your dad on a weekend. I'm trying to let you do all those things, but I need to make sure there's time for us too."

 

Her: "Absolutely. Friday works fine for me, in terms of rescheduling Saturday and I'd love to get together with you tomorrow evening."

[WaitingForBardot]

While I understand the concept of being too available, I've never worried about it too much. When I've liked someone, I've made myself available. I'm sure I've driven some off that thought it was too much, but fortunately I've managed to find others that did the same.

 

While I see why you're disappointed, her excuses do sound plausible, and she does keep trying to reschedule. In your place I'd ride it out at least a little longer.

[kismetkismet]

I wouldn't worry too much at this stage. I have nieces and nephews and they are like magical little beings i would do anything for- they definitely come before someone i've just started dating (I know you know this, just reiterating). Also if she was sick it's very understandable. In the first couple of months i don't want the guy i'm dating to see me sick, when I look gross and probably can't keep up a very good conversation etc. I love when boys look after me later on in the relationship, but 2 months in it is just too intimate and vulnerable for me. You seem to be on the right track to me!

[Redfisher]

Me: "I know the past couple weeks haven't been great between my food poisoning and your flu, but I'd like to see you, even if it's to drop off a care package."

 

Me: "I don't know what kind of partners you've had before, and frankly, I don't care. I want to feel like I'm contributing, even if it's just rubbing your back, etc."

 

Her: "I would love a back rub tomorrow :)"

 

Me: "And I understand your time with W is important. I honestly don't mind us rescheduling if it means you get to spend time with him, or to see your dad on a weekend. I'm trying to let you do all those things, but I need to make sure there's time for us too."

 

Her: "Absolutely. Friday works fine for me, in terms of rescheduling Saturday and I'd love to get together with you tomorrow evening."

 

Pretty dry dude, Need to toss in some humor and some more compliments about her. No offence just my thoughts.

[CalvinM]

Me: "I know the past couple weeks haven't been great between my food poisoning and your flu, but I'd like to see you, even if it's to drop off a care package."

 

Me: "I don't know what kind of partners you've had before, and frankly, I don't care. I want to feel like I'm contributing, even if it's just rubbing your back, etc."

 

Her: "I would love a back rub tomorrow :)"

 

Me: "And I understand your time with W is important. I honestly don't mind us rescheduling if it means you get to spend time with him, or to see your dad on a weekend. I'm trying to let you do all those things, but I need to make sure there's time for us too."

 

Her: "Absolutely. Friday works fine for me, in terms of rescheduling Saturday and I'd love to get together with you tomorrow evening."

 

Her "I'm coming from a place where this relationship is still new for me, and as such I haven't become familiar with all of your quirks. At that point, I genuinely felt that you hadn't liked the responses I gave you, because the particular conversations (via text) had abruptly stopped so I figured maybe you wanted some space."

 

Me: "I didn't know that you were used to relying on yourself. But I'm not used to sitting around while my partner is sick."

 

Her: "Again-as this relationship is still new, there are going to be things about one another that we just don't know yet.

 

*I feel like she was getting a bit annoyed here*

 

Her: "Are you okay?"

 

Me: "yes"

 

Her: "Are you upset?"

 

Me "Not at all. I wasn't upset. I just didn't know where we were."

 

Me: "And I didn't want to make a bigger deal out of this, because it probably wasn't/isn't one. But I still wanted to mention it, because not seeing you for almost two weeks felt strange to me."

 

*I don't like that she still wants to talk about this, but I suppose I opened that can of worms..*

Edited November 16, 2015 by CalvinM

[Ami1uwant]

You are overansayzing this. Don't play gamrs.

 

She got sick..happens

 

She had nieces/nephews that she needs to watch

Learn to accept that. Because of this, you need to plan farther ahead for ticket needing events so she can let her siblings know she is unavailable.

 

My ex had a teenage kid ( no sick child/baby sitting needec) but also had siblings who had kids that she would get called for sitting the kids. This usually would happen around once every 4-6 weeks. She had siblings and parents si they would rotate...thus it didn't happen all the time.

[Xiomn]

I've been in this situation for 3 weeks now of this girl postponing dates with me, I found the best way to handle this is just to go in with the mindset thinking it's over and she doesn't want to pursue it anymore, send a final text something like 'Well you seem busy at the moment (or something to that effect) don't be afraid to get in touch if you want to hangout some time'.

 

Then just leave it at that and walk away as if it's for good. If it's meant to be she will come crawling back at some point as the ball is in her court.

[CalvinM]

Did you read my last few posts? She was sick. I'm seeing her tomorrow night.

[Xiomn]

Did you read my last few posts? She was sick. I'm seeing her tomorrow night.

 

Apologies, only read your initial post, just read through them now, sounds good. Always for future reference I guess never hurts.

[CalvinM]

Me: "Am I still seeing you after work?"

 

Her: "Sure. I'm not usually getting home until after 5 now, with walking. I could use some time to shower and make dinner. Could we do 7? At this point, I'm still pretty wiped by the end of the day, so if we could make it a shorter visit-until 8-I'd appreciate it."

 

*She's been doing this a lot lately, shortening visits. And perhaps I should be happy I'm seeing her at all, but an hour is a joke."

 

Me: "Why don't we just postpone until Friday then, we when have more time together?"

 

Her: "Are you okay with that?"

 

Me: "..."

[MovingOnIsHard]

Me: "Am I still seeing you after work?"

 

Her: "Sure. I'm not usually getting home until after 5 now, with walking. I could use some time to shower and make dinner. Could we do 7? At this point, I'm still pretty wiped by the end of the day, so if we could make it a shorter visit-until 8-I'd appreciate it."

 

*She's been doing this a lot lately, shortening visits. And perhaps I should be happy I'm seeing her at all, but an hour is a joke."

 

Me: "Why don't we just postpone until Friday then, we when have more time together?"

 

Her: "Are you okay with that?"

 

Me: "..."

 

She sounds really wishy-washy.

 

If you two are in a relationship, there should be more effort than this. Ive worked straight three 12-hr shifts and at the end of that I would love nothing but to cuddle with my bf.

 

I feel that she's purposely creating some distance between you two, for her own comfort. I feel bad for you because you obviously want more closeness than what you are getting. Doesnt seem she's ready for a relationship.. You should be seeing each other at this point twice a week to get to know each other.

 

I suggest going casual with her and letting her know about that. Casual = no exclusivity = date other women. Because at this rate, you two are dating casually and not in a relationship.

[Redfisher]

Yeah.. your convos do not come across as two people who have a spark, Sounds more like a family member or friend talk. She seems not to into you at all. I would date others and keep her on the side....

[Redfisher]

She sounds really wishy-washy.

 

If you two are in a relationship, there should be more effort than this. Ive worked straight three 12-hr shifts and at the end of that I would love nothing but to cuddle with my bf.

 

I feel that she's purposely creating some distance between you two, for her own comfort. I feel bad for you because you obviously want more closeness than what you are getting. Doesnt seem she's ready for a relationship.. You should be seeing each other at this point twice a week to get to know each other.

 

I suggest going casual with her and letting her know about that. Casual = no exclusivity = date other women. Because at this rate, you two are dating casually and not in a relationship.

 

Right? After 24 hours when I see my girlfriend I have her clothes off halfway down the hallway.....Haha But yeah I'm a horndog so....

[MovingOnIsHard]

Right? After 24 hours when I see my girlfriend I have her clothes off halfway down the hallway.....Haha But yeah I'm a horndog so....

 

Same here, but I'm usually the horndog haha

[CalvinM]

Her: "I'm admittedly at a loss at this point. I don't understand why this has become what it is. When I'm sick, I've had a tendency of bunkering down in an attempt to get better: as I spend my day talking and working directly with people, I typically shut down once I'm home. I don't really do much talking-as my voice by that point is just about gone; I take a bath, a bunch of cough syrup so I can sleep through the night and I'm in bed-usually by 7.

I understand your desire to want to help, but I reiterate: for the past 10 years my habit has been to look after myself. I can certainly work on letting you help more when I do get sick, but its not going to be an overnight change in my behaviour. This is what I was trying to do, in suggesting we get together for an hour this evening. Yes, its me appeasing you, but I'm doing it because I have learned now, over these last few days, that this is something very important to you, so again, I was willing to make a slight change in my normal routine when sick, with the hope that it would show you this has nothing to do with my pushing you away, or brushing you off. I'm not a social person when I'm sick. I'm just not. Again though, as that in person connection is valuable to you, even when sick, I'm trying to make a few small changes to meet you half way. Or at least I was trying to. I've had great partners in the past who have been wonderful with me, while I was sick and have taken great care of me. I've also had partners give me space when it was needed, while sick.

I come back to the point I made yesterday, and have made a few times now: this is still a new relationship, and one that I am not interested in rushing. At nearly two months in, and in that two months, there being a gap of time where we haven't connected, I simply didn't see us at the point where I felt comfortable being sick in front of you. I'm still at a point where I am admittedly guarded around you, and wasn't up for being that vulnerable with you. Will it always be this way? No. Obviously as the relationship grows, my comfort level with you will too. I'm not there yet. I'm sorry if this isn't at the right pace for you."

 

*Seems like she's pushing this back on me.*