is it worth staying in this realtionship or am i being foolish?

[SweetLuv]

I need a little advice about my relationship.

I am 25, and have been in a *serious* relationship for 6 1/2 years. Last summer, the BF and i had a fight and while we were making up, we had one of "those" get-it-all-out-on-the-table-talks. During this talk, he misinterpreted something i said and the topic of marriage came up; he told me that he had never had any intention of getting married and that it's wasn't me, he just never wanted to. He used the excuse of "how many ppl do you know that are married and happy?" (BTW, he's 25 too)...we are both children of divorce, but i refuse to believe that there isn't someone out there for me that i could be married to forever (I always imagined it being him).

 

 

The problem that i had with that is that we had already been in a relationship for over 5 years and during that time, we were asked quite a few times "where's the ring" to which he responded, "she knows i'm not going anywhere." I thought that there was AT LEAST potential there from that response.....why would he not have mentioned that he never wanted to get married EARLIER in the relationship. Anyway, my response to his marriage statement was that i had 2 yrs of school left and it wasn't something that i wanted in the immediate future of 2 years, but that might change and i would deal with it when it did.

 

 

I love him so much and wish he would grow up! He has never taken me to the shore (we're like 1 1/2 hrs away), to an amusement park, or to NY to walk around for the day, or even to a park....it's been like 4 years since he's held my hand! I am mature enough to realize that you get comfortable in a relationship and alot of that stuff stops, but I just feel so unimportant to him. I have off every other weekend and I can't remember the last time he called me early in the day to do something fun....AND, eventhough he no longer lives in his mom's house, I RARELY get to sleep over(once every 3 months or so).

 

We've had a "talk" about his lack of interest in doing those fun things with me for the last 2 summers and he always acts like i'm EXPECTING him to read my mind....doesn't having the talk 2 summers in a row mean that i have told him? I need a suggestion on if i should be wasting my breath on having another conversations about this. I'm freaking out because this is my last summer of "freedom"....i graduate next may and will have a "real job" where I might now have opportunity to do as much!!!

 

 

PLEASE HELP!!!

[Ebony-N-ivory]

UHHHHHHHHH!!!! I'm just gonna be honest and say that you should go ahead and leave this guy alone. I understand that you truly love him, but it's clear that he doesn't want the same things that you do, which is a committed relationship (marriage). As for not doing things together, there really isn't much of an excuse for that. I, too, am in school and have a very busy schedule. Before moving in together, my boyfriend and I would AT LEAST just cuddle on the couch and watch TV!! What does he use as an excuse???

[sarah12]

Ok let me get this straight:

 

- 5 years and the topic of marriage never came up until then

- he doesn't take you anywhere

- it's been 4 years since he held your hand

- you're "allowed" to sleep over once every 3 months

- you never do anything fun

 

So what DO you guys actually do? I'm sorry for asking, but this doesn't even sound like a romantic relationship to me? It sounds more like a best friend-brotherly-sisterly type thing minus the sex (you do still have sex right?).

 

Hun, if he's 25 and you've talked about things with him and he still hasn't changed, he isn't about to change anytime soon. I say get out and find someone who will satisfy all your needs and wants. This boy will definitely come chasing you when you're gone, but beware of promises for change as it seems like he needs an ultimatum before he can get anything going.

[SweetLuv]

Thanks for confirming what I already knew. I had come to the conclusion that I needed to leave him b/c I feel that we have just grown apart and aren't on the same "level" anymore. I've grown alot since I was 18 (and he has not....except that now he is soooo much of a homebody).

 

As far as the cuddling and tv thing, that is ALL WE DO. Honestly, MOST of the time, that's all I have enough energy for, but I am asking for like once a month activity (with a bit more in the summer b/c the schedule calms down). Hell, I'd even take once a month for him to want to spend the entire day with me.

Ok, we've gone to a Sixers game a few months ago, we went to an Eagles game in September (I got the tickets), a Phillies game last season and maybe one concer and one comedy show (Carlin) in the last year. We used to go to so much more of each of those things!

 

In both of those conversatios, he said "how am I supposed to read your mind and know what you want to do"....and both times, I told him what i'd enjoy sometimes. And, I can't even picture him asking me to move in with him when his lease is up in November (not that I necessarily would simply for the fact that until i am done school, I like "my time"), but I think I at least deserve that option!

 

The sex is definately still there, and it's the only aspect of our relationship that i could say is great. It has only gotten better over the years, andis probably the only time I feel wanted.....but i even have a complaint about that. Most of the time when he "initiates" it's the same routine....and boring. We're cuddling, I'll be laying on his lap, he'll touch my back (rub is too strong a word), and i'm supposed to

"go for it." I've been so stressed out about life lately, that I need that feeling of "want"....but then, I'lll take the cheesy excuse for excitement there to have the great sex

 

I freak out every summer(well, the last 2), because it's like "freedom" to me....the classes stop, I still work full-time, but at least I can have all this extra possible time to have alot of fun, and I feel like I'm gonna waste another summer.

 

And, on anther note, my best friend's it's how i feel

[SweetLuv]

oh, the last line about the best friend.....her wedding is at the end of july, and i couldn't picture bringing anyone else....i want him to go. I know that sounds like a dumb excuse to keep him around that long, but it's how i feel....we could deal with it after the wedding, but at the same time, i don't know if i can sometimes. The strange thing is that i am fine when i am with him, but feel all these ways when i'm not! and we spend about 18-20 hrs a week together and about 4 of those hours is spent sleeping.

[sarah12]

So you do want to break up with him then? If so, I'd say do it sooner rather than later. Why drag it out?

[SweetLuv]

honestly, i don't. As I have told you, I absolutely love this kid, but i just feel so exasperated that i can't see how this is gonna work. i feel so confused !!!!

[Artscrafter]

You're just going to have to sit and think about this objectively. I agree with the others on this one that this guy's not likely to change much. You say you love him, and I'm willing to believe that, but the question you have to ask is: Do all the positives you get from everything you like about your relationship (the fact that you love him, the sex, etc.) outweigh the negatives from being in it as of right now (not getting to stay with him very often, rarely going out to places, differing agendas on marriage, etc.)? I say "as of right now" because that's how things will likely stay for a while.

 

If the positives outweigh the negatives, then stay with him, but don't expect too many of the negatives to get better in a hurry.

If the negatives outweigh the positives, you should move on.

 

If you come to the second conclusion but still don't want to move on, it's understandable - love is irrational and likes to protect its own existence. But knowing this might help you decide what's really best for you.

[SweetLuv]

Well, I figured this needs an update. The BF and I had a nice long battle this fri and sat. and let's say at least temporarily issues are resolved. I blew him off on fri (it's understood that we are hanging out). After a hell of a week at work, I went to my friend's for a couple beers....and to vent. I knew she'd listen about my drama at work and lend a sympathetic ear. At ten, my phone rings and it's the BF, asking what i'm doing. When I tell him that I am leaving my friend's, he starts freaking out about where this came from. (it was all kinda out of left field to him) Well, with all the stress that had bottled up with him and work, I let it all out. Over the course of Fri night and Sat afternoon, I let him have it. It was actually brutally mean at points (it was probably the wrong time to do it, considering how much stress I was under). In our arguements on the phone and via e-mail, I told him how I really felt about everything I posted and more. I actually told him that I am the only one putting in the honest effort and he just sits there and thinks the relationship will maintain itself. Some of it was repeated from previous fights, but some was new feelings that had emerged. And, he had some input on the whole "doing stuff"....I shouldn't sit around and make him responsible for all the event planning like I do. I haven't exactly asked him to do something when I wanted to and I know I have to work on it. Basically, he called me again later sat and I went over to talk to him (although I knew we had said everything and that it would be more of a make-up). He told me that he was gonna try harder to share his feelings, and to put the effort in. Then, he took me mini-golfing, and he held my hand in the car ride there and was affectionate the whole time. He even asked me what was going on at work that is stressing me out....to be a sympathetic ear. IT is amazing what a little heart-to-heart can do!!!!

 

For now, all is well and I am feeling alot less stressed about him and work, because I know when I have a bad day at work, I can call him and he'll listen (or at least try). It should make the whole stress level decline.