Four months later and I can forgive but can't forget.

[Lifesuxnow]

Just A Guy, Mr Blunt and everyone else thank you for your reply and taking the time out to post a reply.

 

To give you the back ground information to help you understand our relationship a little more, we met through mutual friends. She is American and I am South African. We got married in 2010 and my wife moved to Europe (London) to live with me. We spent four years in London and last year we decided that we will move to The USA so that my wife can be closer to her family and so that we could start building our lives (house, kids and all that good stuff) any ways we have been married five years.

 

I decided to join the U.S. Navy because I want to defend my new home, my family and I feel that if you truly deserve to call a place home you should earn your right to call it home. To truly appreciate the freedoms that America has, you need to give them up and fight for them.

 

It was and always has been a dream of mine and with lots of discussions with my wife decided to do it. I was previously an immigration officer in London (back ground info)

 

I told my wife that I wouldn't join if she didn't want me to but she was very encouraging and we discussed some of the great benefits and how it would be a good foundation for our family.

 

So all this time before we were discussing family, having kids.... To the point where my wife was sending me kids names. This is why on that Friday night it was like being sucker punched and I couldn't believe it. Where did all of this unhappiness come from that she was talking about?

 

I thought our relationship was strong. I have never ever thought she would do that to me and as I look back now the signs were there. She still maintains that all they did was kiss on two occasions and I have no evidence that they did more but being a man myself (I'm 29 by the way my wife is 6months older than me)

 

I know how men think and specially the type of guy that he is. So.... I hope that draws a better picture for you all. I love the Navy and I feel like this year I have made the two best decisions for myself in my life .... To become an American and to join the U.S. Navy.

 

Please understand that this is especially hard for me just to call a divorce lawyer as I have no one else here, I moved here for her. I am some what scared (yes I will admit it) that if I get divorced I am completely on my own.

 

I wish with ALL my heart that I had hard evidence of them sleeping together because I have enough self respect to walk away if someone did that to me and even now I'm go to sleep at night saying I'm going to leave her and then I wake up I'm the morning saying but how can I leave all our memories, marriage and I love her.... Just because she kissed a guy.... Shouldn't I be man enough to forgive her? I'm a strong Alpha male, I can forgive and forget and then it hits me later in the day "I will always be second best" she ultimately would have left me for this guy but because they didn't workout now I'm good enough and she wants to be with only me?

 

So you see, I come to this website.... Looking and searching for answers, influence and rationalization for I feel like I am a yo-yo. Emotionally I am pretty good at separating my work from my personal life but as someone mentioned before.... I don't want to be a risk to my shipmates when I hit the fleet. So I need to make decisions soon.

I will be seeing my wife tomorrow and I'm sure .... I hope we can have an honest conversation considering so much time has passed.

 

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place but no one said life would be easy but it would be easier to make a decision if I knew the truth. I feel I deserve that much from her but it is only my wife who can give me that.

 

So from me to all of you that answered my post, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, if anything it was hard reading some of your answers/judgements because I don't want to believe them but there is some truth in what you are saying. I'm learning a lot about myself like I am way to Trusting and I should trust my gut more.

 

Happy Thanks Giving and may God bless you and your families over these holidays ️

[Sparta]

Run you don't deserve that please buddy leave

[drifter777]

Look, the kiss and the probability of much more is tearing you apart - stop doing this to yourself! Thank God and everything Holy that you don't have kids and walk away from this mess. When you make the decision to divorce and pack up and leave your healing from all this begins.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lifeduxnow, thank you for responding to my suggestion to give a backgrounder to your story. Your situation is pretty clear now. I think it is very noble of you to think the way you have. Very few people think of their nation when they are new immigrants in the way that you have. People are usually more mercenary and think only of the benefits that they can derive from their new nation in this manner. This is all the more reason that you should NOT accept your wife's shennanigans as you are far superior to her in terms of moral uprightness and in upholding good values. Quite frankly she does not deserve you. If you continue to pander to her wily designs and her dreadful attitudes she will take you for a right royal ride. Have a heart to heart talk with her when she returns and tell her in no uncertain terms that what she did and how she conducted herself was completely unacceptable to you and there was no chance of a reconciliation. She has her family and you have yours( The Navy and all your mates there with you). The Forces are like a large family and the camaraderie is something that you will not get any where else. I know because I was in the Forces of my nation. There is no finer avenue of service than the Forces. When you join your unit you should be absolutely free of any doubts or suspicions about your wife(family) because it can be very debilitating. You have to be able to hold your head high and serve with dedication and you can only do that if you do not constantly have to look over your shoulder.

Quite frankly, your wife does not deserve you. Let her go to her Boy Toy and be happy with him. You will find good, loyal and morally upright women if you choose carefully, in the future that awaits you, free of her.

I guess you know what you have to do and you will not falter. After all you are a Navy Man! Cheers.

Edited November 26, 2015 by Just a Guy

[m.snow]

I'd like to ask that in a divorce would you still be able to keep your American citizenship? Are you already naturalized?

 

before you proceed any further please seek legal counsel. what would your ww be entitled to in case of a divorce.

 

it is important to find out if she will be receiving spousal support in case of divorce. knowing that you have just started your career in the military.

 

its difficult to trust given that history, specially if your career may bring you far away from home.

[what_todo_now]

Hey buddy,

 

I was just in your same place a few months ago where my wife told me it was just a kiss with a friend. I believed her until I actually discussed the situation with a friend of mine who opened up my eyes. I sat her down and gave her multiple chances to come clean to no avail. I had no hard evidence that she had sex with her AP but I tried to make it seem as if I did and that also did not work. She told me she wanted to make it through this so I told her, OK we're going to take a polygraph test to corroborate your story. Low and behold she started talking and admitted to having sex with the OM.

 

Try that approach and see what happens.

[NewLeaf512]

I'd like to ask that in a divorce would you still be able to keep your American citizenship? Are you already naturalized?

 

before you proceed any further please seek legal counsel. what would your ww be entitled to in case of a divorce.

 

it is important to find out if she will be receiving spousal support in case of divorce. knowing that you have just started your career in the military.

 

its difficult to trust given that history, specially if your career may bring you far away from home.

 

I believe military service is automatic naturalisation

[dontknowwhattothink]

I'm not really in the place to give advice here. You can find my recent posting on the front page of infidelity here.

 

However....

 

Your wife is lying. How do I know? Because I went through similar but didn't pull out. I was told "we never slept together, we just hung out when I was his roomate while you lived in Orlando" This despite a friend driving 2 hours to tell me she was banging her roommate. This was before I married her. Not 1 year into our marriage she "made out" with a guy because she was drunk. I didn't figure that one out till 3 years after it happened. Again, I was told by a friend that she slept with the 2nd guy at least twice. And now in November I find out about a third affair and was originally lied to but then she said "you know what f this I want a divorce, yes, we're screwing" A few days after this she told me she definitely screwed the other guys and even made out with a bunch of random bar guys and let them feel her up in the backseat just because she got free drinks out of them.

 

 

Why tell you my story? Because you will be me in 10 years. You'll have 3 kids and a career and it will all come crumbling down around you.

 

DON'T BE ME!!!!!

 

Drop her now and forget about her and find a woman that will be faithful to you and respect you for who you are.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Just A Guy, Mr Blunt and everyone else thank you for your reply and taking the time out to post a reply.

 

To give you the back ground information to help you understand our relationship a little more, we met through mutual friends. She is American and I am South African. We got married in 2010 and my wife moved to Europe (London) to live with me. We spent four years in London and last year we decided that we will move to The USA so that my wife can be closer to her family and so that we could start building our lives (house, kids and all that good stuff) any ways we have been married five years.

 

I decided to join the U.S. Navy because I want to defend my new home, my family and I feel that if you truly deserve to call a place home you should earn your right to call it home. To truly appreciate the freedoms that America has, you need to give them up and fight for them.

 

It was and always has been a dream of mine and with lots of discussions with my wife decided to do it. I was previously an immigration officer in London (back ground info)

 

I told my wife that I wouldn't join if she didn't want me to but she was very encouraging and we discussed some of the great benefits and how it would be a good foundation for our family.

 

So all this time before we were discussing family, having kids.... To the point where my wife was sending me kids names. This is why on that Friday night it was like being sucker punched and I couldn't believe it. Where did all of this unhappiness come from that she was talking about?

 

I thought our relationship was strong. I have never ever thought she would do that to me and as I look back now the signs were there. She still maintains that all they did was kiss on two occasions and I have no evidence that they did more but being a man myself (I'm 29 by the way my wife is 6months older than me)

 

I know how men think and specially the type of guy that he is. So.... I hope that draws a better picture for you all. I love the Navy and I feel like this year I have made the two best decisions for myself in my life .... To become an American and to join the U.S. Navy.

 

Please understand that this is especially hard for me just to call a divorce lawyer as I have no one else here, I moved here for her. I am some what scared (yes I will admit it) that if I get divorced I am completely on my own.

 

I wish with ALL my heart that I had hard evidence of them sleeping together because I have enough self respect to walk away if someone did that to me and even now I'm go to sleep at night saying I'm going to leave her and then I wake up I'm the morning saying but how can I leave all our memories, marriage and I love her.... Just because she kissed a guy.... Shouldn't I be man enough to forgive her? I'm a strong Alpha male, I can forgive and forget and then it hits me later in the day "I will always be second best" she ultimately would have left me for this guy but because they didn't workout now I'm good enough and she wants to be with only me?

 

So you see, I come to this website.... Looking and searching for answers, influence and rationalization for I feel like I am a yo-yo. Emotionally I am pretty good at separating my work from my personal life but as someone mentioned before.... I don't want to be a risk to my shipmates when I hit the fleet. So I need to make decisions soon.

I will be seeing my wife tomorrow and I'm sure .... I hope we can have an honest conversation considering so much time has passed.

 

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place but no one said life would be easy but it would be easier to make a decision if I knew the truth. I feel I deserve that much from her but it is only my wife who can give me that.

 

So from me to all of you that answered my post, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, if anything it was hard reading some of your answers/judgements because I don't want to believe them but there is some truth in what you are saying. I'm learning a lot about myself like I am way to Trusting and I should trust my gut more.

 

Happy Thanks Giving and may God bless you and your families over these holidays ️

 

Hey bud,

 

I just read your story and like many others, just feel for ya. You'll get through this. Time has a way of making sure everyone eventually gets through everything. You've received a lot of good advice and opinion already. I'll just toss another log or two on from experience.

 

1. They slept together. Multiple times. And they did all the things you really hope they didn't. This is a given. Her attempts to get you to believe otherwise show you just how desperate and detached from reality she is. Don't take it as an insult to your intellect. She doesn't think you're dumb. She thinks you're smart, and she has no other option except to cling to a bull**** story in the hopes that it will all go away. By the way, if this works, this is how she will handle every other major issue in your marriage, should you stay with her.

 

2. You asked " Where did all of this unhappiness come from that she was talking about? " And the answer is simple. It didn't come from anywhere. She wasn't unhappy. My wife tried the same line on me 8 years after the fact. Unfortunately for her, I have every card she's ever written me, every email, every picture from every wonderful adventure we had the year her affair was going on, and tons and tons and tons of video showing us together, having a great time and being very much the in-love newlyweds we were. She was not unhappy. Neither was I. Cheaters don't want one or the other...they want both, and it doesn't matter if they are happy or sad at home. If they want to cheat, they will. And they will blame it all on you if you let them. It's textbook.

 

3. The only way you will get the truth from her is to give her a very very safe environment in which to do it. If she thinks you're going to freak out, or leave, or hurt the OM, or her, or suffer any major consequence, then you can count on another heaping helping of bull****. You need to find a way to make her feel safe, and like the truth really will help you both. At one point I actually told my wife that I could stay with her if I knew the truth, but until I heard something that I could believe, I really couldn't commit to staying. And then I left.

 

Immediately after, I got the truth, and eventually the entire truth. And you know what...it really did help HER. She told me some very difficult stuff, and even with the pain of the news, I felt myself respecting her for telling me. It was the beginning of really reconciling.

 

Good luck man. It sucks bad, but don't try to force your way to the promised land. She either has to go there with you, by telling the whole truth, or you are just prolonging the inevitable, and making yourself unavailable to the right woman in the process.

[Try]

if they lied about everything would you trust them when they said that they didn't sleep with them?

In your other thread you said that "Come to find out her and Rex are sharing a twin bedroom but they each have their own beds (so she says) she says they never slept together or did anything else except kiss". She book a trip to a tropical place and shared a room with this guy and you have to ask if she slept with him? Are you kidding me? Does it take a video of them doing the nasty for you to recognize the truth? Good gosh of course she had sex with him. She is not a teenage that just kisses, she is an adult that has sex. She must think that you are a real chump. Edited December 12, 2015 by Try