Found IM'ing from H to OW, what does it all mean?

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by kkat

SH,

 

I think that every person takes a different amount of time to heal and move on from a hurt such as the one that you have had as a result of your husband's A. You are still in that process. It doesn't make you stupid. It makes you someone who has suffered a very deep hurt with lasting scars.

 

However, I think at some point we have to, as human beings, decide if we prefer to remain a VICTIM or become a SURVIVOR. If you allow this affair to have the power of affecting your emotional wellbeing for another 2 years to come, you are entitled to that. If you want to blame the affair for your husband's work situation, you having to move, quit your job, etc. - I am sure that's all accurate. And, as such, you are entitled to remain a victim of all of this. But is that what you really want?

 

I'd like to issue a supportive challenge to you...

 

Decide that you will no longer give his affair the power to make you a victim. Wake up tomorrow as a survivor. Enjoy the day. Seize life. Find the blessings in what happened. If you have to dig for any little silver lining, dig until you find it, and acknowledge it, and celebrate it.

 

WWIU and kkat, thank you for your replies. WW, no I haven't seen a therapist in awhile. I was in therapy for a few months after the A but that was it, but in that short time, it did help. Honestly, all the therapy in the world isn't going to take away what I went through, the memories. Yes, seeing a therapist would help w/ the way I feel, but those memories will still be there. And plus, I just plain a$$ can't afford therapy. And yes, Pocky, seeing the IM reopened the wound again. And a few months ago it was re-opened when I found love letters and poems to the OW that H wrote on the computer that I took w/ me when I moved out. I deleted all those poems when I found them. Dealing w/ the A is getting easier as the days go past, but finding this IM just brought me back to that pain.

 

kkat, no I don't want to be the victim in this, not at all. There is honestly some good things that came from this A and sometimes I honestly would like to thank the OW for having an A w/ my H. If it weren't for the A I would probably be working at a job I hated, stuck in a home I didn't like (it was not my choice to buy the home we bought, long story on that one), and living far from my family that I am very close to. So there has been good from this A. I just need to think about that instead of dwelling on the negative things that happened from it.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

I don't sit and think about the A all the time, BUT the A has caused A LOT of problems even 2 years later we are still feeling the affects of it. When H had the A I moved out of my home of 10 years, quit my job of 8 years, and moved back to my hometown to be near family for support (and I got tons of it, don't know what I would of done w/ it). I had to get a new home, new job, and it was he!! going through all that. My world was turned upside down. No, I didn't have to leave my home, my job, but there was no way in he!! I was going to stay in the same area w/ H and the OW, plus I needed my family more than anything. After H and I decided to make the M work he continued to work w/ the OW, but then she got him fired so he moved here w/ me and our kids. Now, he can't find a decent job and is making half of what he was making at the job the OW got him fired from. If he wouldn't of been sticking his d!ck where it didn't belong, we wouldn't be feeling the financial hardship his stupid A is causing us. B/c of his stupidity, and selfishness we can no longer afford to buy another home. We came from a city almost twice as big as the one we lived in b4 and jobs are scarce. NO, I will NOT move back that town again. I am near my family again, I have a job I love and I refuse to quit. So, I guess that is my big beef about this A, him getting fired from a good paying job b/c of his A. We were going to stay separated while he still worked there and when he found a good paying job here he was going to quit that one and move here. Well, that didn't work b/c the OW got him fired b4 he could find a decent paying job. He has been applying at places around here but there hasn't been any openings as of yet.

 

 

Originally posted by StillHurtin

kkat, no I don't want to be the victim in this, not at all. There is honestly some good things that came from this A and sometimes I honestly would like to thank the OW for having an A w/ my H. If it weren't for the A I would probably be working at a job I hated, stuck in a home I didn't like (it was not my choice to buy the home we bought, long story on that one), and living far from my family that I am very close to. So there has been good from this A. I just need to think about that instead of dwelling on the negative things that happened from it.

I don't know, I find you a bit contradicting and resentful to your husband. You did get positive things out of it obviously, but you still want to punish your husband and put the blame on him for everything. If some things changed for the better for you, why not enjoy them instead of being so resentful. Either talk with him about it and then decide to forgive him and stay or cut off contact and move on. Do you still expect him to give you a more satisfying explanation or apology? Because it seems you're still not happy with his mea culpa and you expect more. Either get it or leave. Or try to make him see your point of view. Right now, you're in a state of limbo, neither are you over your affair and neither do you want to give in to your resentments and leave.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

A: well lets hope you find a higher paying job somewhere so it won't be so weird

 

T: i will probably get better since you won't distract me any more [color=red](this part bothered me) [/color]

 

Ouch! That must have hurt her a lot. He is trying to get rid of her. He is obviously over her and wants to work things out with you.

 

The part that bothered you, shouldn't bother you. What she meant was she is interested in him and his presence distracts her from working. Or the fact that they slept together drags her attention off the work. Bullsh*t, she is just flirting. It doesn't mean he is hitting on her or anything... if that's what occurred to you.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Ouch! That must have hurt her a lot. He is trying to get rid of her. He is obviously over her and wants to work things out with you.

 

The part that bothered you, shouldn't bother you. What she meant was she is interested in him and his presence distracts her from working. Or the fact that they slept together drags her attention off the work. Bullsh*t, she is just flirting. It doesn't mean he is hitting on her or anything... if that's what occurred to you.

 

 

RP, I got to thinking about that part again, and your right. It could be that she was still interested in him and that his presence did distract her. I guess I read it the wrong way b/c I was worried about what she meant. Sometimes it takes other ppl's opinions on things to make it more clearer to me, that is why I posted it.

 

kooky, I can see your point also. Like I said, finding this IM brought back memories of the A. I do forgive H for the A, but it still hurts when I read this old IM, or even when he brings the OW names up. Just last night we were in his hometown where the OW lives. We were at the street dance and every time a red car drove by H was looking and mentioned the OW driving around. At first he thought he seen her drive by but it wasn't her.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

I have no doubts that the A is totally over w/. Maybe it's stupid of me to think this but I don't want the OW to think I was the one demanding things of H and it wasn't something he wanted to do.

When H and had called and said he wanted the M to work I told him I didn't know if I wanted it to work b/c of the A, I needed time. He told me a few weeks later if I didn't want the M to work, he was going to continue seeing the OW. He never even broke it off w/ her b4 he called wanting me back.

 

Actually he did ditch her because of you. That's good.

What would you prefer, if he simply got bored of her and dumped her regardless of how you felt? Unfortunately he should have said NO to his temptation in the first place because of you, no matter how much he liked her.

The sad truth is, men will always desire other women and the technical part (resisting the temptation) is the only border between fidelity and infidelity.

How did you find out about the affair? It's been two years, you'll just have to let it go. I recognize anger in your heart, but you either have to forgive or you will suffer always.

Do you trust him now? Why did you get back together after he cheated?

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Actually he did ditch her because of you. That's good.

What would you prefer, if he simply got bored of her and dumped her regardless of how you felt? Unfortunately he should have said NO to his temptation in the first place because of you, no matter how much he liked her.

The sad truth is, men will always desire other women and the technical part (resisting the temptation) is the only border between fidelity and infidelity.

How did you find out about the affair? It's been two years, you'll just have to let it go. I recognize anger in your heart, but you either have to forgive or you will suffer always.

Do you trust him now? Why did you get back together after he cheated?

 

Honestly, I think he did get bored of her. I think once he found out what she was like outside of work and got to know her better he realized she wasn't what he wanted after all. The only thing they really had in common was sports, and nothing else. Once he realized what kind of person she was, who here friends were, he didn't want her anymore. She and her friends weren't the type of ppl dh would choose to be around. Her friends were totally different than his own friends. I think he realized she wasn't what he wanted once they spent more time together, outside of work.

 

I find other men attractive, but I would never act on that. I'm married, not dead, I still look, but that's as far as it will go.

 

How did I find out about the A? Well, I found her home phone # on his cell and asked him why he called her and he said he borrowed a CD from her and wanted to call to let her know he would burn it and bring it back to work the next day. Red flag went up b/c I knew this OW was attracted to dh shortly after he started working w/ her. About a month after I found that on his cell bill he said he wanted a D. So I kicked him out of our home and a week later got a call from my lawyer that he had filed. I heard from three of my friends that either worked there or had H's that worked there that he was having an A w/ her. They were always together, always in areas of the factory that they didn't need to be in. A week after H filed for a D the OW filed for a D from her H. About a month later the OW's own H came to my house and told me that he seen their vehicles parked at the motel and he went in and asked if one of them had a room registered there. H had one registered there. Her H showed me pictures of H's truck and her car parked in their garage together. He showed me love letters and poems to the OW. She had written the name of the guy H was living w/ and his address on one of the letters.

I know the A has been over 2 years, and yes it gets easier to deal w/ but I will never let it go, or at least I will never forget it. I wish I could erase my memories of the A and I know H would like that too.

I do forgive H for the A, if I hadn't, I would of never took him back. I got back w/ H b/c I still loved him and I didn't want to throw out 11 years of M not knowing what the future held for us. I know a lot of M survive A's, some survive for a few years and they end up divorcing, and a lot of M do not survive A.

 

Do I still trust him? A part of me does, a part of me doesn't. I guess it's more of a jealousy issue than mistrust. When he talks to other women he works w/ that I don't know, I get jealous. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I just don't want him to become attracted to someone else again. It's my insecurity that does this to me. I don't think he would be stupid enough to risk loosing me and the kids again. And my thoughts are, if he ever does cheat on me again, it will be the last, I will not take him back.

[MiChick43]

stillhurtn

I can understand why your experience is so unsettling. I still think about my ex and what he did to me. I do not have feelings for him anylonger but sometimes its hard to let go of the things that happened. I totally agree with the others that said you might be suffering from Ptsd(?) I feel as though I had and may still do. It is a total shock what happened to your everyday normal day life. It turned your world upside down, and pretty fast from what I read. The whole thing went quickly. His filing , her filing. Its all a shock. All of a sudden this man you made children with is up and leaving, without much if any closure at all. I understand, I believe we all do.

 

the good thing is he is with you. Not her. His love for you and his family was stronger. I do agree if it should happen again....taking him back a 2nd time is a mistake though.

 

Huggles

[StillHurtin]

Thank you Michick. I have had ex cheat on me in the past, but when you are M for several years and have children w/ a spouse who cheats on you is a lot harder. When I was cheated on b4 we were both young, not even in our 20's. I think he realized that he didn't want to be w/ just one person b/c he was young. I just wish he would of had the balls to say he didn't want anything serious anymore and wanted to date instead of screwing around behind my back. Now, almost 20 years later, he is M to someone else and he told his sister (whom I am close to) that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he really screwed up. Too late now. It wasn't hard getting over him. I gave him back the diamond ring he gave me and went on w/ my life. It was much easier w/ him that it was w/ H.

 

Seeing this IM again brought me back to the A. The thoughts and the feelings that I went through came flooding back. I didn't realize I had this stupid IM until I found it. I am going to throw it away so I don't have to deal w/ it anymore.

[MiChick43]

Stillhurtn

Finding that IM and having that reminder of such a bad time in your life.......I can understand all those feelings surfacing. I believe your, flashback, memories are hurtful. YOur reaction to it is very normal.

[shellys-trying]

Originally posted by Pocky

Tell me this isn't something from two years ago. Please say this is something recent and not something you're analyzing from two years ago.

 

 

I believe in analyzing something until it gets worked out. I think Stillhurtin should talk to her H about the IM with the ex-OW. Even if he doesn't want to hear about it. It isn't about how uncomfortable he feels. It never was about how he feels when he decided to cheat.

 

He should set aside his feelings and think of Stillhurtin. She still has issues and may not know how to deal with them on her own.

 

Just sit down and talk with your H about the IM, Stillhurtin. If he acts all het up and aggitated then he is doing that cause he wants his way and his way is avoiding the discussion, not embarrassing himself by telling all the sordid details.

 

I went thru that with my H over some stuff concerning his A. I felt like he had all those little memories with the OW and he was hording them and they were none of my business. He wasn't hording them, he was embarrassed because of what he did with her, knowing it hurt me and didn't want to tell the details because it would hurt more, but I had to know them. They were my business because he and OW made me feel like there was something wrong with me and I talked about it with him whether he liked it or not. He came back to work it out with ME. I was not going to stay with him and him with (what I thought were)his cherished little memories with that woman. I had a right to know afterall, what he did devastated me and turned my life upside down!

 

You need to talk about it to get it out of your system and to move on. It doesn't matter if it was 2 yrs ago. It seems like yesterday to Stillhurtin because she hasn't received closure from his explanations over the IM.

[shellys-trying]

Originally posted by Pocky

Go through her posts - she talks about it all the time. It's not a simple case of she just stumbled across this and it just suddenly resurfaced. It's always there like a dark cloud looming over everything she writes. It's present - it's her present life. It's not the past. It's not something that has happened that she's overcome. It's so much a focus of her life and she's not dealing with it.

 

Consider that she is concerned that the OW thinks she was the one that put her husband up to saying he had to keep it business as opposed to something he wanted. Why does that matter? Why does it matter what the hell the OM was told two years later? The OW is not the focus and shouldn't be the focus. Deal with why the husband did what he did and screw the OW. She's of absolutely no importance.

 

 

 

 

Has it ever really been all fine? Look - I'm not trying to be mean, please don't interprete it like that. I'm not saying she's a bad person, I'm not saying she's stupid, I'm not saying she's doing anything wrong. What I'm saying is that IMO her behavior is an indication of an unhealthy state. IMO her behavior implies that she has some emotional issues that she needs to come to terms with and the way she is going about it may not be helping her. Focusing on these points in the affair may not help her. Reading the IM and analyzing the words used may not help her.

 

 

 

Then I must be just like Stillhurtin! I think some of things my H said to OW when he ended it and some of it still bugs me. You're not alone Stillhurtin! There's more like you out there than you may think! Don't feel alone in this.

[sylviaguardian]

This is an interesting thread. The posters who have voiced concern over SH's obsession with details are not trying to say that things she finds should not be hurtful. Of course finding this IM is going to be a trigger and will hurt. That is not the issue. The issue is trying to decipher what the IM means when SH is with her husband, the affair is over and the OW is out of the picture.

 

What they said or didn't say, or what they meant is totally irrelevant now. What SH's husband felt at the time is probably not what he feels now.

 

The point is that if we cannot let go the past, it starts to control the future.

 

SH, it seems that there are still a lot of issues that you have with the affair that have not been properly processed. I don't mean to be hurtful at all but you seem (in your other posts) to blame the OW a lot for what happened. This perhaps means that you have not worked out all the other issues in the A (e.g. why your husband did it). I really wish you could get some peace now and perhaps the only way to do this is to start working through some of the issues that still bug you so much.

 

I know you can't afford counselling but how about looking at some of the really good books out there and working through a few exercises? By letting this affect your life now, you are allowing the OW to still have power over you and you are giving the affair far more importance than it deserves.

 

Hugs,

 

Sylvia

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

This is an interesting thread. The posters who have voiced concern over SH's obsession with details are not trying to say that things she finds should not be hurtful. Of course finding this IM is going to be a trigger and will hurt. That is not the issue. The issue is trying to decipher what the IM means when SH is with her husband, the affair is over and the OW is out of the picture.

 

What they said or didn't say, or what they meant is totally irrelevant now. What SH's husband felt at the time is probably not what he feels now.

 

The point is that if we cannot let go the past, it starts to control the future.

 

SH, it seems that there are still a lot of issues that you have with the affair that have not been properly processed. I don't mean to be hurtful at all but you seem (in your other posts) to blame the OW a lot for what happened. This perhaps means that you have not worked out all the other issues in the A (e.g. why your husband did it). I really wish you could get some peace now and perhaps the only way to do this is to start working through some of the issues that still bug you so much.

 

I know you can't afford counselling but how about looking at some of the really good books out there and working through a few exercises? By letting this affect your life now, you are allowing the OW to still have power over you and you are giving the affair far more importance than it deserves.

 

Hugs,

 

Sylvia

 

Sylvia, your right, what was said back then is probably irrevelant and I know he thinks differently than when he did when he IM'ed her.

 

As for the OW, your darn right I put a lot of blame on her. If you read my other threads about her you will know why. She was after my H from day one. I seen how she acted towards him, knew what she did when I wasn't around. And this whole time she tried to be my friend (probably to get closer to H). When H and I were going through our D I heard they were having an A. When I confronted her about it she lied and said they were just friends and wanted to know if I still loved H, wanted the D, blah, blah, blah. She told me he was going through a lot at the time. She said he didn't know if he made a mistake by filing for a D or not. She said she would talk to him for me, and then BAM, as soon as she had the chance she slept w/ him. H was in a very confused, and she just clouded his judgment. She could of backed off and told him until he knew what he wanted, she wasn't going to get involved w/ him on a personal level. H even told me that b4 he even filed for a D (but was thinking about it) the OW said she needed to talk to him. She told him that she was attracted to him and then she kissed him. I can't help to think that when H finally knew she was interested in him that is when he filed for a D. I don't think H knew what he wanted. Our M wasn't the best at the time, neither one of us were happy. He said he filed b/c he wanted me to find someone that would make me happy b/c he couldn't. Well, once we got separated he started having the doubts and second thoughts. He didn't know what he wanted. If the OW should of backed off and told him that until he can think clearly about what he wants then she wont be involved w/ him.

[MiChick43]

She could of backed off and told him until he knew what he wanted, she wasn't going to get involved w/ him on a personal level.

 

 

That would have taken a person that could see past her own nose.

[shellys-trying]

Sometimes the OW is a person who just wants what someone else has. They are unhappy in their own life and so they go and hunt for someone to make as miserable as they are.

In my case, my H's OW had "had" several guys at their workplace and saw an easy target. My H isn't loud and flirty, just a quiet do his job guy. She zoned in on that quick.

 

All she really was there for was a leg up and a cushy job. Funny thing is, when they started their A, she took a job (much harder) in the back of the factory where he hardly ever saw her. The only time he did was when he went to her house on his way to work on weekend overtime.

 

She lived on a dirty little cul de sac. It was really embarrassing to me and I'm not a snob, but H said her bathroom had a huge hole in the floor right infront of the toilet he almost fell into. {snort-snicker! woulda served him right!}

I felt SOOOOOOOOOOOOO ripped off when I heard things like that. I had tried to make my home so {{clean}} and he went to some HO who had holes in her floor and 3 inch thick soap scum in her tub?!

Anyway, got off subject and on my soapbox, sorry!

 

Yes, SH's problem of OW was correct in what MiChick said, the OW couldn't see past her nose!

[StillHurtin]

Your right MiChick. She is the type of person that doesn't care if she hurts someone as long as she gets what she wants.

 

Shelly, I am lmbo!!!! The OW in your situation sounds so similiar to mine it's scary. The OW H had an A w/ also had a disgusting house. She bought a 2 bedroom home for $15,000 and was/is trying to fix it up. H said she didn't decorate nice at all, it looked like a bacherlor pad rather than where a woman lives. He said that around the tub and window in the bathroom was covered w/ mold, eeeewwww!!! H said he was disgusted by it. I have always kept the house clean and decorate nice and even my mil and H's aunt have asked me to come decorate their homes for them. Anyhow, H likes that I keep a nice home and decorate it nice. My mil and I redid my first home we bought in Victorian wallpaper and when the OW came over for the first time H said she thought it was ugly. H told her he liked it and she said "Well, I guess if you like Victorian, I think it's ugly." She is probably just jealous b/c she has nasty brown, plain paneling for walls.

 

I have drove passed her house and it's a dive.

[whichwayisup]

May I ask a question?

 

Why are there still IM's and/or Emails laying around. Shouldn't they all be deleted? It's in the past so why are they still available...Could make a world of difference that way you or your H will stumble upon them and have a nasty trip down memory lane. (Mostly you I mean. )

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

May I ask a question?

 

Why are there still IM's and/or Emails laying around. Shouldn't they all be deleted? It's in the past so why are they still available...Could make a world of difference that way you or your H will stumble upon them and have a nasty trip down memory lane. (Mostly you I mean. )

 

WWIU, I thought I had trashed it, but when I was looking through some paperwork on my computer desk I stumbled across it. It must have gotten stuffed in there and I didn't realize it. It went in the trash. I don't need it around here to stumble across it again. H had printed it off and showed me what the OW had to say about 15 months ago.

[StillHurtin]

One more thing. There is one thing I don't understand. I have been adviced to seek professional help for my H's A that happened almost 2 years ago b/c I'm "obessessed" about it but yet I see on the OW/OM forum where there are some OW that are still dealing w/ their anger, hurt, ect from their MM that broke it off w/ them months, or years ago and I don't read anyone's replies that the OW is "obessessed" w/ her MM breaking it off w/ her and she needs to seek professional help???? Hmmmm, maybe I am wrong but a W who has had her H cheat on her and the pain she goes through is a lot worse than what the OW deals w/ when her mm breaks up w/ her. If I had to choose between the pain of the two, I would take the pain of being dumped by a MM any day compared to the betrayal of a H. JMO. Sorry to the OW that have been hurt, but I don't think you can compare a W's hurt from an unfaithful H than the MM breaking it off w/ you. I was in love w/ a man for several years who was in a committed relationship (yes, we had an A) and later married her, and the pain I went through was no where near the pain I went through when my H had an A. I can't speak for every W here, or every OW, but as a past OW, and a W I know the difference in the pain, and the W part was a thousand times worse.

[whichwayisup]

I hear ya on that one, I've noticed that too, which is why I advise the OW to get to therapy so they can cope better...

 

Hugs to you SH

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

I hear ya on that one, I've noticed that too, which is why I advise the OW to get to therapy so they can cope better...

 

Hugs to you SH

 

Thanks WWIU.

[XNemesisX]

SH,

 

My heart goes out to you. I don't pretend to really know what you are going through because I have never been married and I have no children. I was cheated on for 2 years though, to a man I was set to marry. Sometimes I feel like I am obsessed too. Even though we are no longer together I think about how he cheated on me and I will even dream about it almost every night. So if I am still this jaded when I wasn't even married to the guy, then I can only imagine how much harder it would be to be married to someone for 11 years and have children with them and have this happen.

 

I think PTSD is a good diagnosis. Actually, I have read that when something traumatic happens to you (a break up or an affair can count as a traumatic event) that it can actually alter the chemical structures in your brain.

 

I hardly think that what you are experiencing is abnormal. The effects of affairs can last for years and decades. My uncle's wife had an A on him with her boss and it disturbed him so bad that he was found running through the woods naked, screaming. (I know it sounds funny, but it kinda isn't). He went through years of therapy. He did take her back but they ended up divorcing 5 years after he had supposedly forgiven her. Now, 10 years after the affair he is 55 years old and he is happily married to someone else. I wouldn't doubt that the A still affects him. It's not something that you easily forget or move past. The scars linger.

 

Have you considered what life would be like if you left him? Are you truly happy in your marriage now? Do you just feel that you couldn't find someone else or that you don't want to take your children's father away from them maybe? I can understand your reasons for staying wtih him, but it seems like this A is haunting you....and maybe you are not as happy with your decision to "forgive" him as you think.

 

did the OW's H end up leaving her? Do you know if they went through with their divorce? I know this is probably irrelevant to you. But in a way, I hope he did leave her. Things like this should never happen to good people. I think its more the pain of having a broken dream than anything else.

 

I wonder if you are really happier with your H than you would be without him. Just seems like it would make me sick to have to look at someone who did such awful things to me. IMO, 2 years is not a very long time.

[shellys-trying]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

SH,

 

My heart goes out to you. I don't pretend to really know what you are going through because I have never been married and I have no children.

 

***I agree, XNX, but to me, who's experience is uncannily like SH's, it wouldn't have mattered if my H & I hadnot had kids (we have 4)or not been married. I knew I was in love for the first and last time when I met him. I am one of those cases who had love at first site.

I was at the time, after I found out the A and now 4 yrs later and am still in love with my husband. He is the last man I'll love. It happens once in a lifetime and this was it. I don't mind tho cause if this is how men do women, then I don't want another one. LOL***

 

I was cheated on for 2 years though, to a man I was set to marry. Sometimes I feel like I am obsessed too. Even though we are no longer together I think about how he cheated on me and I will even dream about it almost every night. So if I am still this jaded when I wasn't even married to the guy, then I can only imagine how much harder it would be to be married to someone for 11 years and have children with them and have this happen.

 

***I feel deep sympathy for SH because our situations are so the same in alot of ways. It is hard to deal with. It helps alot if the spouse is willing to help with the closure. My H wasn't for 2 yrs or more and I just kept telling him I had to know the awful details. Recently, with this forum, I have really begun to heal inside my heart. I wish I knew what the exact reasons are, but I can be more forgiving of my H than I was a yr ago. Maybe talking to others about it and hearing their words, feelings, opinions...***

 

 

 

I think PTSD is a good diagnosis. Actually, I have read that when something traumatic happens to you (a break up or an affair can count as a traumatic event) that it can actually alter the chemical structures in your brain.

 

***Totally believable. After what I've went thru over the A, I'm not surprised chemicals probably got screwed around. That's a blow to the mind and heart all at once.***

 

 

 

did the OW's H end up leaving her? Do you know if they went through with their divorce? I know this is probably irrelevant to you. But in a way, I hope he did leave her. Things like this should never happen to good people. I think its more the pain of having a broken dream than anything else.

 

 

***I hope so too. The OW and her tactics don't deserve reward of any good kind!

The pain of that dream of "happily ever after" is what gets broken along with the heart.***

 

I wonder if you are really happier with your H than you would be without him. Just seems like it would make me sick to have to look at someone who did such awful things to me. IMO, 2 years is not a very long time.

 

***I used to think that too. Looking at my H everyday, knowing...knowing... and then he started seeing what he did to me. He would catch me crying in the tub, or staring off into space thinking of the one man I loved and gave everything to, being with someone else. Being a boyfriend or husband to someone else. I had changed inside. I didn't laugh or joke like I did. He wrote me a card once, things he never did before, and said he wished he could make me smile, that I didn't smile like i used to. I told him it was because of him that I didn't smile anymore. That's when he changed and saw what he did to me and our marriage.

When the husband can open his eyes and see what he did to his wife, then and only then will he do his part to make the marriage work and then he will see his wife begin to trust him. This is my true belief.***

[StillHurtin]

XNX, I am sorry that the man you were ready to marry did this to you. TG if he was going to cheat on you he did it b4 the wedding that way it was easier to get rid of him and start your life over w/ someone who truley loves you and wouldn't cheat on you. I know it probably didn't make the pain any easier, and I am sorry he put you through all that.

 

 

 

I wouldn't be suprised if the A didn't alter chemicals. I have been taking my anti-depressants again but I just don't want to be on it the rest of my life.

 

 

 

 

Shelly did a great job of discribing what she feels b/c I feel the same way.

 

 

 

The OW filed for a D from her H a week after my H filed a D from me. Very obvious what was going on there huh? The OW told me she was concerned how I was going to think once I found out that she filed for a D a week after H did. She said it had nothing to do w/ him filing to be w/ him. HA!!! I beg to differ. I hope the OW exH has found a good woman, he seemed like a very nice guy and was a lot of help when H and his W were having an A.

 

 

 

When you love someone for so many years and you want to spend the rest of your life w/ them, it does hurt like he!! but eventually I learned to forgive him.

 

Thanks for your reply

[kkat]

SH, I wanted to share a few thoughts with you.

 

I don't think anyone here has intended to judge you for the amount of time you are taking to process and heal from your husband's A. Clearly, it takes people various amounts of time to process and heal from loss, trauma, etc. and there is no right or wrong process or timing.

 

I think it's terrific that you continue to work on the issues you experience as a result of the A. Do not feel badly towards yourself that you are still having issues with it.

 

I do think many of your concerned friends on LS have expressed concern that you are having trouble getting to the next stage of your life as a result of being stuck in the past. What I hope for you is that you will find a way to heal and move forward so that you will not continue to feel pain and lose life's precious days in this turmoil. (It's the same thing I wish for myself!)

 

Psychologically, people can become so accustomed to pain, sadness, and/or anger, that it can become cycle, a mainstay of our being, and one can become literally comforted by the familiarity of it. You may have heard the expression "He/she loves/thrives on being miserable" or something along those lines. It's a common problem when someone is a victim. I think if you can take yourself out of the mental position of being a victim that might be a nifty change for you.

 

Good luck and a peaceful new week to you.