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Found IM'ing from H to OW, what does it all mean?


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Posted

I know it has been two years, and H and I are trying to work on our M and I need to let it go, but I still have a lot of questions about it. As I was looking for something I found the IM that H printed off between him and the OW. Do any of you think the OW was trying to push H into continuing a friendship in some sort of way? Do you think H is only saying what he is saying b/c it's what I wanted, and not him?

 

 

Here is the IM. A is my H and T is the OW....sorry so long

 

A: Hey

 

T: hey you

 

A: we need to start keeping conversations on here about business only

 

T: ok

 

A: no personal stuff, ok

 

T: no joking around

 

A: no

 

A: just about business

 

T: no problem

 

T: you can still talk to me if you need to though i will listen

 

T: or is that too much?

 

A: i don't think that would be a good idea

 

A: too much conflict

 

T: oh ok

T

 

T: y did you bring stuff up then?

 

T: you just stay happy and smiling I don't have any problems

 

A: having you work here still bothers J [color=black][color=red](that's me)[/color][/color] and she would like me to keep everything we do strictly business and not discuss our personal lives

 

T: well i think we have been doing pretty well

 

A: No more nooner comments or any other sex comments then

 

T: like i said i have a date with a really nice pereson this sunday[color=red][color=black] (notice she changes the subject after his nooner comment) [/color][/color]

 

A: I just said no personal stuff didn't I

 

T: ok i will quit i'll just flirt with someone else

 

A: you need to stop flirting with me period. we cannot have anymore contact other than about business

 

T: ok stranger

 

A: thank you

 

T: can I tell you if i like a song or talk about jack?[color=black] [color=red](her teenage son[/color])[/color]T: you know i like to brag about him

 

A: no that is personal stuff

 

T: jeez your getting real boring

 

A: I need to seperate my life from yours as i am trying to work things out with my wife and i am not going to screw it up again

 

 

T: i understand that but it won't be normal with you

 

T: it will just be wierd

 

A: what do you mean by that

 

T: but if that's what y want then no problem you always get what you ask 4

 

A: well lets hope you find a higher paying job somewhere so it won't be so weird

 

T: im still working on that don't worry

 

A: that would make things easier for both of our lives

 

T: it would be easier then u constantly trying to fire me

 

A: i never tried doing that

A: ever

 

T: i wont stop tring to get the other job

T: you get what you want just put in the good word when they call please

T: and be happy

 

A: i ill

A: will

 

T: silly

 

A: you are a good worker there is no denying that

 

T: i will probably get better since you won't distract me any more [color=red](this part bothered me) [/color]

T: honestly

 

A: ok bye

 

T: ya bye

Posted

It sounds like he's sincerely trying to make you happy. :)

 

What could it hurt to give him the benefit of the doubt? Would your feelings be MORE hurt than they were before, if you were wrong to trust him?

 

All things considered....it'd probably be no more (and no less) devastating than before. And you survived that. So, maybe you'll be okay if you give him a little trust now. :confused:

  • Author
Posted
Originally posted by Ladyjane14

It sounds like he's sincerely trying to make you happy. :)

 

What could it hurt to give him the benefit of the doubt? Would your feelings be MORE hurt than they were before, if you were wrong to trust him?

 

All things considered....it'd probably be no more (and no less) devastating than before. And you survived that. So, maybe you'll be okay if you give him a little trust now. :confused:

 

 

Thank you Ladyjane, no it wouldn't hurt giving him the benefit of the doubt. A part of me is trusting him as time goes by. I guess two parts bug me, and maybe I am reading more into it than what needs to be. The part where he says that I am the one that wants them to keep everything strictly business. Why did he have to say me, why couldn't he have said he wanted everything strictly business.

 

The second part is the "I will probably get better since you won't distract me anymore." Him distracting her? Does that mean he was the one after her or does it mean she couldn't help but being distracted by him b/c he was around her and she liked him? I'm honestly afraid to ask him b/c I don't want to upset him or bring it up b/c he has told me in the past he feels ashamed, embarrassed, that he had an A w/ her. He said he is disgusted w/ himself for having an A w/ her b/c of who she is.

 

About the nooner, I do remember this part a little. I think she mentioned something about him being upset or angry and maybe they needed to go have a nooner to loosen him up. Obiviously she was embarrassed or something to change the subject on going out w/ a date w/ another guy.

Posted

Your H and his ex-OW are trying, with only partial success, to redefine their style of interactions. They seem uncomfortable with the new ground rules--as if they're feeling their way.

 

The IMing concerns me as much as the content--if not more. They still need to "feel" connected even if it's a very different kind of connection than during the affair's peak intensity.

 

Their tone sounds intimate and knowing. They sound "together" as in some emotional or special sense. And you, as the wife, are on the outside looking in.

 

I believe that while the "physical" affair may be over, the "emotional" affair or residue continues to live on. The embers still burn.

 

Continue to watch these two for any signs of reignition.

Posted

On one hand you should be encouraged it does seem he is trying to make you happy.

 

On another hand I'd still watch him like a hawk. she obviously would like pursue things with him.

 

SO perhaps you should be caustiously optimistic.

Posted

I'm with MySugaree here. Your husbands sounds as if he's saying all these things to his ex-lover in order to convince himself, not her and she sees through it. I doubt that she will give up on him, his resistance is just too weak. He hasn't drawn a clear line yet.

 

A: having you work here still bothers J (that's me) and she would like me to keep everything we do strictly business and not discuss our personal lives

Bad, this should not only be your wish, but his as well. It looks more like he wants to give you as the reason why he can't talk with her the way he used to do and not, because he himself wants to. His ex-lover obviously still has some power over him.

 

A: I need to seperate my life from yours as i am trying to work things out with my wife and i am not going to screw it up again

 

 

T: i understand that but it won't be normal with you

 

T: it will just be wierd

 

A: what do you mean by that

What is he explaining here all the time? She absolutely doesn't sound as if she's too stupid to understand why the two of them have to restrict their contact to business. She's trying him and he's trying to convince himself.

 

Also, the question: "What do you mean by that?" He's acting as if he didn't understand, but the whole conversation is so artificial, even the most insensitive representative of the male species would sense the awkwardness between the two. He's still interacting with her instead of cutting off all the banter and chit-chat. I bet, your husband is the non-confrontational type of guy whose defenses are usually pretty weak. I wouldn't be surprised that it's easy to manipulate him. He will have trouble saying no to someone who asks him nicely and that woman seems to like a challenge.

 

Maybe I'm too suspicious here, but be careful.

Posted

kooky, that was an excellent post. All that OW need do is ask, and they'll all be back to the physical affair.

 

Great insight, especially into the H's character. :)

Posted
Originally posted by StillHurtin

I know it has been two years, and H and I are trying to work on our M and I need to let it go, but I still have a lot of questions about it. As I was looking for something I found the IM that H printed off between him and the OW.

 

I wonder why was it printed

Posted

You mention the affair was two years ago now. I would be more concerned with his current behavior and what the work situation is right now. Did she, OW, find another job? That is not always the answer. Sometimes it just keeps things quiet, better. Instead of it being pretty much under everyones noses when they work together.

I am wondering why it was printed out too. But like I said. Today is what should be important. How has he been today and any signs of this woman still being around??

Hugs.....It took me a long time to stop thinking about things. My situation was different. I did not have a marriage /kids invested .

Chick

Posted
Originally posted by MiChick43

I am wondering why it was printed out too.

 

Possibly he was saving it as "evidence". :confused: That way, next time OW initiates personal conversation, he can wave it in her face and say, "Look, we ALREADY talked about this. Business only!"

 

And while I agree that optimally it would be better if he was standing up to OW on the issue of "business only" contact in his own name, rather than invoking StillHurtin'.....I think it shows a certain amount of deference and prioritization regarding his wife.

 

People aren't perfect. :( He may not be handling it in the BEST way, but it looks like he's trying.

 

I may be a bit overly optimistic, or even naive....but I'd say "tie goes to the runner". :D

Posted
Originally posted by MySugaree

kooky, that was an excellent post. All that OW need do is ask, and they'll all be back to the physical affair.

 

Great insight, especially into the H's character. :)

Cool, a compliment from you. :)

 

I have to add something though, because I just realized that this conversation is two years ago. I can't say if he after two years still feels the same temptation as in the beginning. At that time I would have been worried, now it might just be a dim memory for him that is stored somewhere in the back of his mind. If you've managed to overcome the problems in your marriage during those two years, she shouldn't be such a threat anymore.

 

I wonder though if he really has reduced the contact with her after the affair. Someone raised the question about the reason for printing this conversation out. Did he let it lie around for you to find it, as a proof that he was serious about working things out with you? Or was it just in order to convince himself?

 

Sorry, if my thoughts cause you discomfort, they are coming from a slightly paranoid girl, so be warned. ;)

Posted

Why are they on the IM if it's stricly business? Why are they in contact?

 

StillHurting, I think you have the right to ask him everything! EVERYTHING. Face your deamons, find out the sordid details and close this episode once and for all.

 

I get the feeling that it's like he was still having an emotional affair and you were chearing up for the lack of the physical part. I couldn't possibly take the now knowing for 2 years. I'd think about it day and night.

 

Confront, find out, close and leave. With or without him. I feel as if you were stuck in this vicious cercle where they're the ones running the show.

 

Maybe I'm wrong... I'd make sure the IM is totally off limits!

Posted

Stillhurtin,

 

I am confused. Is this print-off 2 years old? Why are you still looking at this like this and trying to fathom them out. If this was what he wrote a long time ago and even if it does seem 'friendly' this might not be how he feels now.

 

Forgive me if I am wrong, but if this is old STOP TORTURING YOURSELF. Bin it and everything else like it and get on with your life how it is now.

 

Sylvia

Posted

Are you sure it's even real?

 

I mean, really, anyone can make it look like an IM conversation and print it up. H ecould've typed anything he wanted and hit print.

 

I'm having a hard time believing he's not giving into her, just being cold and brash to her. Wouldn't she get super pissed and never want to talk to him again if that were the case??? Her replies are stupid. And a little on the desperate side.

 

I am not familiar with your situation by ANY means. But idunno....something doesn't look right about the whole thing. But maybe it's just me?

Posted
Originally posted by sylviaguardian

Stillhurtin,

 

I am confused. Is this print-off 2 years old?

 

Tell me this isn't something from two years ago. Please say this is something recent and not something you're analyzing from two years ago.

Posted

I assumed the IM transcript was very recent. Otherwise, I wouldn't have posted.

 

Now, I'm not so sure.

  • Author
Posted

The A ended almost 2 years ago, this IM was between him and the OW a few monts after that so, yes, it's close 2 years old but not quite. Why did I bring it up after all this time? B/c I thought I had tossed it, or H had, and when I found it and read it again it made me think he was making ME look like I wanted all personal conversations stopped between them. Yes, I wanted him to stop having contact w/ her on a personal level but why did he have to say I wanted it to stop, he should of told her he wanted it to stop. I wish I would of found this site when I had the IM to figure out, that is why I am posting about it so much later.

 

H printed the IM out to show proof that he was telling her they are too speak only on a professional level. According to H the OW would not leave H alone, would call him all the time (and yes, I intercepted a phone call and she called his cell a few times and he never answered it).

 

I have no doubts that the A is totally over w/. Maybe it's stupid of me to think this but I don't want the OW to think I was the one demanding things of H and it wasn't something he wanted to do.

 

When H and had called and said he wanted the M to work I told him I didn't know if I wanted it to work b/c of the A, I needed time. He told me a few weeks later if I didn't want the M to work, he was going to continue seeing the OW. He never even broke it off w/ her b4 he called wanting me back.

Posted

In my opinion, you've turned this affair into an obsession.

Posted

Pocky-

 

This probably is an obsession...which is a symptom of a common side affect of infidelity for a betrayed spouse: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

 

I know. I had PTSD once while I was still in the military. And had it again (and FAR worse) as a result of my wife's EA. Obsessing about it is definitely one of the more common symptoms.

 

Still- You might try talking with a counselor or your doctor about this. I wouldn't be surprised if after they test you that you are diagnosed with PTSD.

  • Author
Posted
Originally posted by Pocky

In my opinion, you've turned this affair into an obsession.

 

Pocky, I don't know your full story, but did your spouse ever have an A? H and I were M 11 years b4 his A. That is a long time to be w/ a person, have children w/ them, and then to have them have an A and destroy your life, hurt your children and everything you knew changed, well it did mine anyhow, I can't speak for anyone else.

 

 

Maybe it was stupid to post this after almost 2 years after the conversatation but I haven't seen the stupid thing in almost 2 years and it brought back what I went through. And I wanted some opinions on what other's thought about it. I know it probably shouldn't matter what other's have to think about it, b/c it is 2 years old.

 

I don't sit and think about the A all the time, BUT the A has caused A LOT of problems even 2 years later we are still feeling the affects of it. When H had the A I moved out of my home of 10 years, quit my job of 8 years, and moved back to my hometown to be near family for support (and I got tons of it, don't know what I would of done w/ it). I had to get a new home, new job, and it was he!! going through all that. My world was turned upside down. No, I didn't have to leave my home, my job, but there was no way in he!! I was going to stay in the same area w/ H and the OW, plus I needed my family more than anything. After H and I decided to make the M work he continued to work w/ the OW, but then she got him fired so he moved here w/ me and our kids. Now, he can't find a decent job and is making half of what he was making at the job the OW got him fired from. If he wouldn't of been sticking his d!ck where it didn't belong, we wouldn't be feeling the financial hardship his stupid A is causing us. B/c of his stupidity, and selfishness we can no longer afford to buy another home. We came from a city almost twice as big as the one we lived in b4 and jobs are scarce. NO, I will NOT move back that town again. I am near my family again, I have a job I love and I refuse to quit. So, I guess that is my big beef about this A, him getting fired from a good paying job b/c of his A. We were going to stay separated while he still worked there and when he found a good paying job here he was going to quit that one and move here. Well, that didn't work b/c the OW got him fired b4 he could find a decent paying job. He has been applying at places around here but there hasn't been any openings as of yet.

 

Owl, thank you for your kind words. It's nice to hear from someone who knows what I am going through.

Did you get on meds for you PTSD? I was taking an anti-depressant several months after the A but stopped taking them b/c my doctor gave me permission to do so. I wonder if I shouldn't go back on them? If I do have PTSD they will help. Thanks again!

Posted
Originally posted by StillHurtin

Pocky, I don't know your full story, but did your spouse ever have an A? H and I were M 11 years b4 his A. That is a long time to be w/ a person, have children w/ them, and then to have them have an A and destroy your life, hurt your children and everything you knew changed, well it did mine anyhow, I can't speak for anyone else.

 

No one is denying you your due time to heal. No one is denying you the pain you suffered. What is being questioned is why you fester on this two years later. You have created an open wound and you pick at it constantly. It's never going to heal until you come to terms with some things. That's why it's been turned into an obsession. Like pulling your hair out or cutting your skin - you obsess over it. I'm not saying this to be mean, but it's an area for concern - IMO.

 

Maybe it was stupid to post this after almost 2 years after the conversation but I haven't seen the stupid thing in almost 2 years and it brought back what I went through. And I wanted some opinions on what other's thought about it. I know it probably shouldn't matter what other's have to think about it, b/c it is 2 years old.

 

I wouldn't say it was stupid as much as I'd say it's an indication of your state of mind - two years later.

 

I don't sit and think about the A all the time, BUT the A has caused A LOT of problems even 2 years later we are still feeling the affects of it. When H had the A I moved out of my home of 10 years, quit my job of 8 years, and moved back to my hometown to be near family for support (and I got tons of it, don't know what I would of done w/ it). I had to get a new home, new job, and it was he!! going through all that. My world was turned upside down. No, I didn't have to leave my home, my job, but there was no way in he!! I was going to stay in the same area w/ H and the OW, plus I needed my family more than anything. After H and I decided to make the M work he continued to work w/ the OW, but then she got him fired so he moved here w/ me and our kids. Now, he can't find a decent job and is making half of what he was making at the job the OW got him fired from. If he wouldn't of been sticking his d!ck where it didn't belong, we wouldn't be feeling the financial hardship his stupid A is causing us. B/c of his stupidity, and selfishness we can no longer afford to buy another home. We came from a city almost twice as big as the one we lived in b4 and jobs are scarce. NO, I will NOT move back that town again. I am near my family again, I have a job I love and I refuse to quit. So, I guess that is my big beef about this A, him getting fired from a good paying job b/c of his A. We were going to stay separated while he still worked there and when he found a good paying job here he was going to quit that one and move here. Well, that didn't work b/c the OW got him fired b4 he could find a decent paying job. He has been applying at places around here but there hasn't been any openings as of yet.

 

I never said it wouldn't still have an affect on your life. There's a big difference between having an affect on your life two years later and asking the following two years later:

 

The part where he says that I am the one that wants them to keep everything strictly business. Why did he have to say me, why couldn't he have said he wanted everything strictly business.

 

The second part is the "I will probably get better since you won't distract me anymore." Him distracting her? Does that mean he was the one after her or does it mean she couldn't help but being distracted by him b/c he was around her and she liked him? I'm honestly afraid to ask him b/c I don't want to upset him or bring it up b/c he has told me in the past he feels ashamed, embarrassed, that he had an A w/ her. He said he is disgusted w/ himself for having an A w/ her b/c of who she is.

 

That's where I see your problem. You're still focusing so much energy on how he handled it, how he answered and you're asking now, two years later, what he meant. You're never going to move forward and you're never going to heal if you worry about how he said something two years ago or if she thought you were the one that wanted him to stop talking to her instead of him wanting to stop talking to her. You're his wife and he's with you - she's gone - there's no reason at this point to mark your territory (so to speak).

 

Owl, thank you for your kind words.

 

I'd just like to point out that Owl also said it's probably an obsession.

Posted
Originally posted by Pocky

 

 

No one is denying you your due time to heal. No one is denying you the pain you suffered. What is being questioned is why you fester on this two years later. You have created an open wound and you pick at it constantly. It's never going to heal until you come to terms with some things. That's why it's been turned into an obsession. Like pulling your hair out or cutting your skin - you obsess over it. I'm not saying this to be mean, but it's an area for concern - IMO.

 

I don't think she's "festering" I think by stumbling across that IM it was a trigger for her - Set her back, brought back ALOT of pain and memories of the past.

 

DazednConfused has touched on this in some of his posts...How all is fine, then the "trigger" happens and sets him into that pain again.

 

It may not ever go away, and personally I think it's better to talk about it, acknowledge it all rather than sweep it under the rug and say that was in the past...IF you don't deal with those awful and negative feelings at that particular time they won't go away. Nothing wrong about posting it and getting it out...

Posted
Originally posted by whichwayisup

I don't think she's "festering" I think by stumbling across that IM it was a trigger for her - Set her back, brought back ALOT of pain and memories of the past.

 

Go through her posts - she talks about it all the time. It's not a simple case of she just stumbled across this and it just suddenly resurfaced. It's always there like a dark cloud looming over everything she writes. It's present - it's her present life. It's not the past. It's not something that has happened that she's overcome. It's so much a focus of her life and she's not dealing with it.

 

Consider that she is concerned that the OW thinks she was the one that put her husband up to saying he had to keep it business as opposed to something he wanted. Why does that matter? Why does it matter what the hell the OM was told two years later? The OW is not the focus and shouldn't be the focus. Deal with why the husband did what he did and screw the OW. She's of absolutely no importance.

 

 

DazednConfused has touched on this in some of his posts...How all is fine, then the "trigger" happens and sets him into that pain again.

 

Has it ever really been all fine? Look - I'm not trying to be mean, please don't interprete it like that. I'm not saying she's a bad person, I'm not saying she's stupid, I'm not saying she's doing anything wrong. What I'm saying is that IMO her behavior is an indication of an unhealthy state. IMO her behavior implies that she has some emotional issues that she needs to come to terms with and the way she is going about it may not be helping her. Focusing on these points in the affair may not help her. Reading the IM and analyzing the words used may not help her.

 

I see her making the wound bigger instead of making it smaller.

 

It may not ever go away, and personally I think it's better to talk about it, acknowledge it all rather than sweep it under the rug and say that was in the past...IF you don't deal with those awful and negative feelings at that particular time they won't go away. Nothing wrong about posting it and getting it out...

 

I never said there was anything wrong about posting about things or talking about them. I am pointing out that she allows herself to focus on a part of the affair that is the most painful, most harmful and most distracting from her healing. Debating what her husband meant when he ended the affair doesn't provide her with the assurance she needs to move forward.

 

It's another perspective and could be completely wrong, but instead of getting defensive maybe it might help to just consider it. Actually, you know what, nevermind. Just keep doing whatever it is you're doing.

Posted

I understand what you're saying Pocky...I do, I just feel for her and that pain. I guess seeing somebody to help cope would help (SH are you seeing a therapist?)

 

I know it comes down to choices. To allow it to take over and do damage - Or try to let it go and stay positive. Just at times, that is easier said than done.

Posted

SH,

 

I think that every person takes a different amount of time to heal and move on from a hurt such as the one that you have had as a result of your husband's A. You are still in that process. It doesn't make you stupid. It makes you someone who has suffered a very deep hurt with lasting scars.

 

However, I think at some point we have to, as human beings, decide if we prefer to remain a VICTIM or become a SURVIVOR. If you allow this affair to have the power of affecting your emotional wellbeing for another 2 years to come, you are entitled to that. If you want to blame the affair for your husband's work situation, you having to move, quit your job, etc. - I am sure that's all accurate. And, as such, you are entitled to remain a victim of all of this. But is that what you really want?

 

I'd like to issue a supportive challenge to you...

 

Decide that you will no longer give his affair the power to make you a victim. Wake up tomorrow as a survivor. Enjoy the day. Seize life. Find the blessings in what happened. If you have to dig for any little silver lining, dig until you find it, and acknowledge it, and celebrate it.

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