Taking someone on a date tomorrow. Just ran into her on a date tonight with a guy.

[Versacehottie]

It seems like there are two schools of thought when it comes to how you should respond when someone you're interested in is dating multiple people. Some people consider competition a natural part of the process, while others find it an ineffective way to really develop a connection with someone. I just happen to be in the latter category.

 

I think either choice (multi-dating or not) has its sacrifices, and you choose which one better fits how you approach relationships. You elegantly pointed out the downside of only dating one person at a time, and I agree that I may miss out on getting to know some great people. And I'm ok with that, since I feel that relationship dynamic isn't what I'm looking for. I think people who multi-date know they might turn off people who see relationships like myself, and that's the sacrifice they think is worth having multiple options to consider at once. And there are people who live in the middle of the spectrum who ascribe to one-at-a-time dating but are cool with competing for someone's affection who they may not know very well.

 

None of it is wrong. I think the end-goal is being honest with how you feel, making a choice in your dating style accordingly, and accepting whatever sacrifices that come with that choice. And that's why I'm ok with this choice.

 

 

Well yeah even though I believe in multi-dating, there's the right way to handle it and it is not meant to be a long term tool. However, most important is knowing yourself. If you can't imagine dating a girl who would do that and are willing to offer the same, then you have to put that out there pretty much upfront and come to an agreement about it. I think it puts unnecessary pressure on things though--if you have only been dating once a week and for a month and no real connection that would have been the catalyst for a conversation laying down those conditions had happened--the only real catalyst is a desire to avoid general uncomfortableness and loss of attraction that applies to you in all situations.

 

However, there is a lot to be said for knowing oneself and asking for what you need even if it seems unreasonable to the other person. Actually most girls I know would probably be thrilled to have a guy say this to her, because it makes things "easier" and you know where you stand with each other. I just thinking realistically you might not like how it speeds things up and you have to be fair and discuss it if you expect it. Good luck. You definitely did not miss out on a winner with this girl.

[callingyouuu]

OP I don't quite agree with your characterization of one at a time vs competition. Multidating is a new word to me, I don't know exactly know what it means.

 

One-at-a-time: Considering one human being as your romantic prospect at any given moment. To move onto someone else, you must end things with whomever you are seeing.

Multidating: Considering multiple human beings as concurrent romantic prospects, with the intent of choosing one at some indefinite time. You don't really have to give anyone up ever until you decide to be exclusive with one.

 

It's two distinct attitudes towards dating that influence the pace and initial directions of a developing relationship.

 

Yeah, I'm sure this hurt. But she's probably not the love of your life anyway, if you live in the same building and only see each other once a week, I gather you weren't exactly in love.

 

Nope, not in love. Still sucks though. No worries, I'll be back.

[LilaMarie]

So fast forward to tonight: I was walking back home from the gym a few hours ago and run into her dressed up, going out with another guy. We made eye contact, so we're both aware.

 

 

How do you know they are not friends? When I would hang out with my best friend (a guy) I was ALWAYS dressed up for a night out in the town. People always assumed we were dating even when we never held hands or made out. He would always make sure to bring me a beer but that STILL didn't mean we were anything more than friends. Don't assume anything.

[Maggie4]

One-at-a-time: Considering one human being as your romantic prospect at any given moment. To move onto someone else, you must end things with whomever you are seeing.

Multidating: Considering multiple human beings as concurrent romantic prospects, with the intent of choosing one at some indefinite time. You don't really have to give anyone up ever until you decide to be exclusive with one.

 

It's two distinct attitudes towards dating that influence the pace and initial directions of a developing relationship.

 

Nope, not in love. Still sucks though. No worries, I'll be back.

 

Ha ha, ok, then I am one-at-a-time.

Yeah, it sucks and you'll probably still run into them from time to time. Is it graduate housing? You know, a lot of people meet their spouse in grad school...

[smackie9]

OK sorry I didn't know it you who suggested brunch. That's here nor there, she would have told you anyways that she didn't want to see you anymore....just wouldn't have given you any details. It is what it is.

[Buddhist]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. Really means a lot.

 

So I ended up seeing her. Had a hard time getting in touch with her this morning to confirm, so I called shortly before our designated time, and she said she'd just woken up but was still down to meet up half an hour later. I wait in the lobby, and she comes down the elevator with the same guy I'd seen her with the night before... I'm not gonna lie, this one hurt.

 

We talk about it during brunch. Long story short, I communicate what I've shared here, she likes me but wants to continue dating the other guy, and we break it off.

 

I don't really know how I feel right now. Just trying to bury myself in work at the moment. On to the next one, I guess.

 

I'm sorry. What she did the next morning was incredibly rude to you. You don't turn up to a date with the guy you've just slept with. That's completely lacking in class. And if you hadn't called her, she would have stood you up.

 

No. The universe did you a favour on this one. You were never a real interest to her, you were a meal ticket. Stick with your ideal of having someone's full attention or none at all. There's a reason for that ideal, you want to know they are interested in you, not interested in what you can give them while they bang someone else. She's completely lacking in any kind of class and I'm a bit glad that you found out before you paid for anymore meals.

[Buddhist]

One-at-a-time: Considering one human being as your romantic prospect at any given moment. To move onto someone else, you must end things with whomever you are seeing.

Multidating: Considering multiple human beings as concurrent romantic prospects, with the intent of choosing one at some indefinite time. You don't really have to give anyone up ever until you decide to be exclusive with one.

 

It's two distinct attitudes towards dating that influence the pace and initial directions of a developing relationship.

 

This. You don't shop for partners like you would breakfast cereal. Have a bit of respect, it isn't a last man standing scenario. I've never multi-dated my entire life and that hasn't stood in the way of finding compatible partners or getting my pick of people.

 

Jesus my current partner is as close to a ten as it's possible to get. He wasn't single because he had no options. He was single because he's selective and waiting for the right person. Not willing to put it out there for just anyone. When you have people swarming to be with you then really you want to be careful about who you let in. That's what his scenario was, it happens.

 

OP be selective, don't entertain women who entertain multiple men. They just don't have the time of energy to really give you the proper attention or respect you deserve. Making a connection isn't about standing in a crowd and picking one. It's about making an honest connection with someone and giving it a fair chance to blossom. And as a side note - all of my relationships have been longterm. I've never had a fling, nor a short term relationship (unless you count 18 months short term, the longest was 7yrs). So I do think dating one person at a time is a very viable choice for people who are seeking commitment for themselves.

[Odinani]

Didn't she offer to have sex with you at any point OP?

[aprilisi]

I used to date one man at a time. For months, something would happen and on to the next one.

 

I think this is why I'm single at 38. I think of all the nice men I met when I was dating one of these guys. I was faithful to the man I dated even without a commitment. Or the talk. If I had had an open mind about it things might be different. And turns out most of them...if not all were multi dating themselves.

 

So I started to multidate. Still single a year later but at least I'm not wasting all my time on one man for months at a time.

[RedRobin]

This. You don't shop for partners like you would breakfast cereal. Have a bit of respect, it isn't a last man standing scenario. I've never multi-dated my entire life and that hasn't stood in the way of finding compatible partners or getting my pick of people.

 

Jesus my current partner is as close to a ten as it's possible to get. He wasn't single because he had no options. He was single because he's selective and waiting for the right person. Not willing to put it out there for just anyone. When you have people swarming to be with you then really you want to be careful about who you let in. That's what his scenario was, it happens.

 

OP be selective, don't entertain women who entertain multiple men. They just don't have the time of energy to really give you the proper attention or respect you deserve. Making a connection isn't about standing in a crowd and picking one. It's about making an honest connection with someone and giving it a fair chance to blossom. And as a side note - all of my relationships have been longterm. I've never had a fling, nor a short term relationship (unless you count 18 months short term, the longest was 7yrs). So I do think dating one person at a time is a very viable choice for people who are seeking commitment for themselves.

 

 

This 10X.

 

 

I'm the same way. No STR's for me. My shortest has been 6 months, and that's because I'm looking for a life partner... I'll end things after 6 months if it doesn't look like we will be making a bigger commitment.

 

 

Even saying that, I have no regrets. My only regrets have been the time I wasted on multidaters before I figured it out. It didn't take me long. As it is, lots of them aren't up front about it, even when I have told them my style.

 

 

OP, the first step is getting clear on what you want, and you sound like you are now.

 

 

The second step will be effectively screening out those who want to ride the fence and make up reasons to be dodgy... even AFTER you tell them your style and expectations.

 

 

For me, that was not having sex with someone without getting STD tested in advance. I wish I had a dollar for every guy who claimed to want a relationship with me who also claimed to not be multidating, but who backed down from that or tried to weasel me into having sex with him without getting tested. Then I later find out (through the grapevine) that he was, in fact, multi-dating and multi-effing around. Okey dokey for those women who either aren't using protection or ok not getting tested. Bullet dodged.

 

 

Dating truly does suck out there for people who are seriously looking for a committed relationship. Land mines all over. It's ok. You will get better at dodging them. It will become second nature at some point. Just know you are not alone....

[Buddhist]

I used to date one man at a time. For months, something would happen and on to the next one.

 

I think this is why I'm single at 38. I think of all the nice men I met when I was dating one of these guys. I was faithful to the man I dated even without a commitment. Or the talk. If I had had an open mind about it things might be different. And turns out most of them...if not all were multi dating themselves.

 

So I started to multidate. Still single a year later

 

Then your story proves you aren't single because you failed to multi-date. Nothing has changed for you except you feel less cheated by life, I suppose. My guess here is that you were single at 38 because you never required your partners to commit to you. Hanging in there without any expectations coming from you isn't a great way to go, of course they took you for a ride.

 

Partners know my expectations well before we ever jump into bed. I nix multidaters at date #1. I just won't have anything to do with them. Works for me.

[losangelena]

Partners know my expectations well before we ever jump into bed. I nix multidaters at date #1. I just won't have anything to do with them. Works for me.

 

I almost hate to ask this, for fear of spawning a 15-page thread about multi-dating, but do you think one date is still a bit too early to tell about someone?

 

For instance, let's say hypothetically that I connect with a guy (via OLD or IRL, wherever), and we decide to meet for drinks. I don't know anything about him, and there's zero investment. What if, in the interim, before that date, I meet another gentlemen, and we decide to set a date two days after the first.

 

Let's say that the date with guy number one is a total dud and my date with the second gentleman goes spectacularly well. In essence, that is still multi-dating, to some degree, but if I hadn't accepted a date with guy number two because I had an initial drinks meeting with guy number one, I may have missed out on something really good. Would you consider that an unacceptable amount of multi-dating?

 

Now, I think most can agree that the woman in OP's situation took things a bit far (understatement?) but I don't necessarily see the harm in having casual first dates lined up with multiple people. If a second or third date with someone goes well and things seem like they're taking off, then yes you cut off contact with the others.

 

That, to me, sounds like sane multi-dating.

[aprilisi]

I used to date one man at a time. For months, something would happen and on to the next one.

 

I think this is why I'm single at 38. I think of all the nice men I met when I was dating one of these guys. I was faithful to the man I dated even without a commitment. Or the talk. If I had had an open mind about it things might be different. And turns out most of them...if not all were multi dating themselves.

 

So I started to multidate. Still single a year later but at least I'm not wasting all my time on one man for months at a time.

[RedRobin]

Well, in your hypothetical situation, you are likely not going to be as 'present' with the first guy because you are still needing to check in with guy number two.

 

Of course, guy number one has no idea that's the case, and either feels your lack of presence and chooses not to see you again, or takes a chance not knowing that your first date with him was comparison shopping.... This is what happened with the OP.

 

Those who get addicted to the comparison shopping have a real hard time putting it down. It's like their security blanket... That's why I ditch multidaters immediately too.

 

What's wrong with telling guy number two... Thanks for the offer... I am just getting to know someone right now and I am not keen on dating multiple people.

 

That's what I tell men. But since I screen carefully in advance of going on that first date, it never happens that I don't know something about them in advance. When I decide to go on a date with a man, it almost always ends up in a relationship unless he was dishonest about something... Hence the need for the STD screening.

Edited November 15, 2015 by RedRobin

[Jersey born raised]

Call her and ask "Am I stepping on anyone toes here? If the two of you (the other guy and her) are involved then I need to beg off this date.

 

Personally I always felt once sex entered the relationship, it meant we were exclusive.

[phineas]

I got no problem with a woman dating others while dating me unless her dance card is so full she can't be available for a quality date with enough one-on-one time to keep me from feeling like i'm wasting mine.

 

As for sex, i'm not into sloppy seconds nor do I sleep with more than two women at the same time.

There are lines even I don't cross.

[Buddhist]

I almost hate to ask this, for fear of spawning a 15-page thread about multi-dating, but do you think one date is still a bit too early to tell about someone?

 

Not really. I'm a research thoroughly kind of gal. I've never gone on a date with someone I am unfamiliar with. I have always known these people for at least 6 months before I even open the door to anything else. That's how I know where they stand before we start something.

 

I've never done OLD and I don't ever intend to. I'm not a big fan of meet a random stranger and think you know them by hanging out once a week. Dates are special circumstances, of course that person is going to be on their best behaviour and of course they'll try and present themselves in a positive light. You're not likely to see the negative side of them during that process.

 

I tend to observe people very keenly before any kind of romance is on the table or even looking like being on the horizon. It's purely platonic and usually quite distant as acquaintances until they've been vetted and....I've decided it's also worth my time to take the risk. Even going about it this way is a gamble of a sorts because you can never really know the totality of anyone no matter how long you know them. But I figure some familiarity and also me going through all the possible issues that person inspires at the thinking stage, are good things to have before you throw hormones at it.

[Buddhist]

Well, in your hypothetical situation, you are likely not going to be as 'present' with the first guy because you are still needing to check in with guy number two.

 

Those who get addicted to the comparison shopping have a real hard time putting it down. It's like their security blanket... That's why I ditch multidaters immediately too.

 

This, to me multi-dating is just symptomatic of someone who is constantly on the look out for the next best thing. I see it as a red flag because they haven't made even the tiny commitment that simply focusing on one person for a short period of time requires. I feel the same about things like OLD, social media and other forms of public attention whoring. It's endemic in the current generation. I don't need to know that my current partner is the best person in the whole world, city or even suburb to decide to put my attention there. If I'm attracted, I'm attracted and I'll give him my time and attention until he proves he either doesn't want it, or isn't a good candidate for it.

 

Really what's the rush in life that you need to compress meeting five people into a single time frame? It's social programming that tells people to be dissatisfied with what they have and seek more and better all the time. Love isn't a competition, or it shouldn't be. Someone doesn't need to vie for your attention to be worthy of it.

 

After being on here for a while now, all I see is issue after issue when people multi-date. And the issue is usually a lack of commitment either on one or both sides. Then there's this anxiety that permeats the process, are we exclusive? What should I do? Does she like me or is she using me? I can't ask for any commitment or I'll scare them away. Really? If someone is going to run because you'd like them to put aside distractions and focus on you for a time while you decide if you are compatible, it really doesn't say good things about a future relationship with that person.

 

Anyway, just my take. And as I've said in a previous post I tend to only date people I am quite familiar with on some level. If they've harboured feelings for me for half a year and are still interested, then the chances are good we've got a shot at being in relationship. This isn't just someone who saw a pic of me and thought, why not? They've already demonstrated a certain level of commitment by waiting for the process to happen.

[truth_seeker]

How do you know the date last night isn't second fiddle to OP?

 

Read OP's update.

[lino]

What an absolute quality piece of work she ended up being. Exactly the type I'd love to introduce to my mum

 

Exactly why one should avoid multi daters. Don't know where that mouth you're kissing may have been less than 12 hours earlier. Yuck!

[truth_seeker]

That's why it's called 'dating.'

 

People DATE to find out who they click with and who they might want to build a serious relationship with. You do that by spending time with people.

 

If she's seeing the OP once a week and they haven't had sex, it sounds like it's a very casual still-getting-to-know-you type of thing.

 

Some people choose NOT to put all their eggs into one basket. They're not exclusive, so he has just as much a right to date others as she does.

 

If and until they have the exclusivity talk, I see nothing wrong with either of them dating others.

 

The very casual getting to know people dating is okay. What's not okay is doing that and sleeping with other people - at least IMHO.

 

So you're telling me I can go out to a dinner with a woman on Saturday night, have sex with her and then the next morning wake up to meet you for a brunch date?

[truth_seeker]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. Really means a lot.

 

So I ended up seeing her. Had a hard time getting in touch with her this morning to confirm, so I called shortly before our designated time, and she said she'd just woken up but was still down to meet up half an hour later. I wait in the lobby, and she comes down the elevator with the same guy I'd seen her with the night before... I'm not gonna lie, this one hurt.

 

We talk about it during brunch. Long story short, I communicate what I've shared here, she likes me but wants to continue dating the other guy, and we break it off.

 

I don't really know how I feel right now. Just trying to bury myself in work at the moment. On to the next one, I guess.

 

Damn. This is even worse. Seeing her go out last night was one thing... but to see her the next morning with the guy just as she's meeting you is f-cked up!

 

I think I would have got up and left.

 

This woman is a nut case. She okay with banging some guy then meeting you for a brunch date? I'm very reserved and at times shy, but I would have told her to go screw.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Most of the responses in this thread are absurd.

 

 

You are reading just one side of the story here.

 

 

The truth may be that the woman and the guy she is sleeping with have been casually dating for months or years. The OP could be the guy who has been trying to shove his way into what they have going, and yet people here are accepting the OP's vantage point as the way things are.

 

We have no idea whether the woman in question even knows she has been "dating" the OP at all.

 

Not only that, but she lives in the same establishment as does the OP, and he still has zero say who she has as an overnight house guest.

 

A woman leaving her own abode one morning, in the company of the guy she invited to spend the night last night does not owe anybody posting at LoveShack any sort of an explanation as to why...

 

 

It is quite possible that the OP has been doing the unconfident guy things all along, while all the while the woman in question may have been loyal to the (one?) person she's been sleeping with.

 

Most here are jumping to conclusions in order to support the OP just because he seems to be first among the trio to have raced to LoveShack to invite outsiders to pick sides.

 

We'd have to know how long the other two have been dating in order to be fair to this equation, and we'd have to know whether the woman has any idea whether she's been 'dating' the OP as well.

[Buddhist]

and we'd have to know whether the woman has any idea whether she's been 'dating' the OP as well.

 

By your definition all the responses on LS are absurb then. Afterall how often do a couple get online here and explain both sides of the story? Of course we are taking what he's saying for more or less an accurate accounting of what's been going on. Is any thread on LS any different?

 

Well, if she agreed to stop dating him, we can pretty much assume that she was aware she was dating him. If she's been banging the other guy for years and supposedly happy then why is she also dating the OP? It just gets worse and worse looking once we start appending fictional scenario's to the mix.

 

I'm happy to take the OPs account at face value because LS isn't a court of law and he isn't on trial. He's presenting an account and asking for advice from his POV given what he knows of the situation. Given that he's decided to no longer date her it hardly matters what LS collectively think of her anyway. But yeah it is crass to front up to a date in the company of the guy you just shagged. There are choices there like telling the OP, oops! I've slept in can we reschedule/cancel/whatever, to save the OP some embarassment. It's the polite thing to do.

[WomenWubber]

@OP

 

Your feelings in your first post... it was all your gut screaming at you. What she's doing is not wrong and it may work for her. But you're not wrong for filtering multidaters out either. If that's not how you roll, then roll away.

 

Good luck on your next conquest!