Taking someone on a date tomorrow. Just ran into her on a date tonight with a guy.

[Snakechammah]

You just wrote the story of my life. This just happened to me!

 

I don't usually multi-date. In fact, I've been single (not a single date sometimes for 4 years in a row!)... but for some reason, this year, lots of guys have suddenly asked me out - at the same time too.

 

So... recently, I've been getting closer to my crush at work, and he's finally asked me out (I was secretly drooling over him for 10 freaking months patiently waiting)... and we've been on ONE date. And have plans for another next week.

 

Then, the guy I was also recently dating (before Mr Crush responded to me) asked me out again for the 3rd time... because well, he IS INTERESTED.

 

So of course, just because Mr Crush asked me out once doesn't mean he owns me... so I went out with the other guy.

 

Of all people in this universe, we bumped into Mr Crush - who of course, was visibly upset.

 

Your thread is his perspective and I thank you for posting it. I do feel like the girl in your story - she could have a valid reason.

 

This is what I'm going to do. I will approach Mr Crush in person tomorrow and explain the situation. It's only fair. If I were in his shoes, I'd be gutted too. What goes around comes back around and I take full responsibility for this awkward and most unfortunate event.

 

If he forgives me and acknowledges that just because I went out with another guy doesn't automatically make me a slut, then I know he is genuinely interested in me and is a reasonably mature guy.

 

I am willing to forgo the rest for the right man... so this could be a ticket for an exclusive talk!

 

I hope you think carefully about what you want, and I hope the girl responds favourably! All the best!

[Teraskas]

This is why i hate modern dating. Why dont people just date one person at a time? Are people today that desperate for attention?

 

Honestly, at age 24 and never having had the chance to experience "the days of old (pun not intended. )" it certainly appeals to me.

It's ironic and sad that in this day and age of technology, we haven't progressed to a point where "modern" dating is made easier.

If anything from what I've heard it's causing for more of a devolution rather than evolution.

 

Truth told, to me it would be easier as with my short-term memory issues I can't remember all the details of multidating several women. ^^

[lino]

Would be an instant turn off for me.

 

I'm not into sharing women so in your shoes there'd be no further dating from me.

[Lois_Griffin]

That's why it's called 'dating.'

 

People DATE to find out who they click with and who they might want to build a serious relationship with. You do that by spending time with people.

 

If she's seeing the OP once a week and they haven't had sex, it sounds like it's a very casual still-getting-to-know-you type of thing.

 

Some people choose NOT to put all their eggs into one basket. They're not exclusive, so he has just as much a right to date others as she does.

 

If and until they have the exclusivity talk, I see nothing wrong with either of them dating others.

[Redhead14]

So there's a girl I've been dating over the past month. We're both in graduate school with super hectic schedules, but we've usually been able to carve out a time once a week. On Wednesday, we agreed to go out for brunch tomorrow, and I've kinda been looking forward to it since we don't get to see each other very often.

 

So fast forward to tonight: I was walking back home from the gym a few hours ago and run into her dressed up, going out with another guy. We made eye contact, so we're both aware. I feel disappointed and suddenly unexcited about tomorrow.

 

I don't know. Part of me wants to blame myself; maybe I'm too conservative in my non-multidating ways? It just feels disappointing, especially how our date won't be more than 12 hours past their date. I feel like I have the following options:

• Cancel the date tonight, realize that we might not have compatible dating styles and move on (I have a tendency to close myself off and leave the situation when I feel hurt by someone, so right at this moment, this one feels super appealing)
  
• Go on the date, not bring up what I saw tonight, and hope for the best (not feeling this one to be honest... I guess I'm not one to fight for a relationship in which I feel the other person isn't very invested)
  
• Go on the date and awkwardly bring up our run-in tonight ("so... what were you up to last night?") and gauge her reaction to assess interest. Then decide if this is worth my time (ie NC vs continue dating).
  

 

What would you guys do? Any advice would be awesome.

 

You've only been seeing her for a month and have declared nothing, so she can and should be dating others. If you aren't into multi-dating yourself, you need to accept that others do. You're too invested in her and too soon.

 

Go out with her and have a conversation about each other's dating goals and strategies. Address the elephant in the room in a respectful way. Remember, she doesn't owe you anything right now. If you like her enough ask her for exclusivity at least, especially if you've been intimate. If you two aren't on the same page, move on.

[GoodOnPaper]

You should decide if she is what you want. If she is a real catch, why should you back down just because another man wants her? Most men compete with each other when the woman is worth it.

 

If I really want a certain great guy, and he's dating someone else at the same time, assuming there was no deceit, I would try to get rid of my competition. If I keep giving way to other women, they'll keep taking the good ones and I end up with the guy who has no other dates.

 

Well, in this case it's the OP who is the guy without any other dates and I'm sure he's smart enough to realize that as such, he's at a huge disadvantage in trying to move things forward. I'm all for everyone's "right" to date as many people as they want until there is an agreement to exclusivity, but normally up to this point, the man is going to just be concerned with what he has going on and the woman is going to just be concerned with what she has going on.

 

Well, in this case, the reason the woman's schedule has been so "hectic" has just been thrown in the OP's face -- albeit, accidentally, but still ... This creates a very different situation with a power dynamic element to it. He has just as much right to his internal emotional response as she does to date these other guys. The OP seems very deflated about this and I think he needs to respond in a way that will salvage some degree of personal power and confidence. If that is going to brunch and discussing the situation "maturely", that's great. But if he decides that something a little less mature - like cancelling the date or even standing her up - is what's needed to get him back on his emotional feet, I wouldn't blame him.

[introverted1]

So there's a girl I've been dating over the past month. We're both in graduate school with super hectic schedules, but we've usually been able to carve out a time once a week. On Wednesday, we agreed to go out for brunch tomorrow, and I've kinda been looking forward to it since we don't get to see each other very often.

 

OP, can you shed more light on this? Have your schedules been mutually busy or has it been more the case for one of you? Who suggested brunch rather than a weekend night. (Personally, I would rather have brunch than a date night but I realise others do not necessarily share this view). How many dates has it been over the past month?

 

Is it possible she is unaware of your interest level?

[truth_seeker]

The best way to go about it is don't contact her... Then her action will bear down on her. In time, you might receive a call from her trying to explain herself, or in the most mature way, she might apologize.

 

The point is, exclusive or not, she's dating two guys at the same time which says a lot about herself. She MIGHT cheat on you if you do become "exclusive"

 

Im not saying she will, but if you do become exclusive, keep your guard up, but do you really wanna stay in a relationship where trust is shaken?

 

cheers

 

Right on. I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason. There was a reason they saw each other. I say it was a warning to the OP.

 

Think about it OP: she scheduled a brunch date with you knowing she was going out with another man the night before. Count your blessings you saw her and now can move on from her. You're saving yourself from possible pain down the road.

[callingyouuu]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. Really means a lot.

 

So I ended up seeing her. Had a hard time getting in touch with her this morning to confirm, so I called shortly before our designated time, and she said she'd just woken up but was still down to meet up half an hour later. I wait in the lobby, and she comes down the elevator with the same guy I'd seen her with the night before... I'm not gonna lie, this one hurt.

 

We talk about it during brunch. Long story short, I communicate what I've shared here, she likes me but wants to continue dating the other guy, and we break it off.

 

I don't really know how I feel right now. Just trying to bury myself in work at the moment. On to the next one, I guess.

[RoseVille]

Why? He's second fiddle to the guy she's on the date with tonight.

 

How do you know the date last night isn't second fiddle to OP?

[Karine26]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. Really means a lot.

 

So I ended up seeing her. Had a hard time getting in touch with her this morning to confirm, so I called shortly before our designated time, and she said she'd just woken up but was still down to meet up half an hour later. I wait in the lobby, and she comes down the elevator with the same guy I'd seen her with the night before... I'm not gonna lie, this one hurt.

 

We talk about it during brunch. Long story short, I communicate what I've shared here, she likes me but wants to continue dating the other guy, and we break it off.

 

I don't really know how I feel right now. Just trying to bury myself in work at the moment. On to the next one, I guess.

 

What!!!?? Now I was giving her the benefit of the doubt until you wrote your update. To come down the elevator in the lobby with the same guy when she knows you're going to be waiting to take her to brunch is so rude!! I think when you couldn't get hold of her in the morning you should've just took it as a sign. But now you know the full story so you can move on and find someone that deserves you.

 

By the way, if the other guy saw with his own eyes that she's meeting you for brunch and doesn't seem to care then he's probably just using her in his own way. And when he ends up breaking it off she's going to come running back to you. Don't let her back in.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I know its tough.

[Versacehottie]

How do you know the date last night isn't second fiddle to OP?

 

Yeah I agree. (Until the OP's most recent update, which confirms he is) But otherwise previous to their talk this am, just because the dates were scheduled like that doesn't necessarily have any bearing on who she likes more. It may be more a factor of who ask for the saturday night first, logistics and such. If OP just asked for Sunday brunch and she said yes without any juggling or rescheduling. It has no bearing. It's just the way things go in multi-dating. Monday follows tuesday and so on and so forth. So someone is gonna be after someone else purely based on the days of the week! Presuming she is not hesitating on accepting dates or rescheduling with the guy.

 

I think it was super tacky of her to come down with the guy and let you see him again and that he spent the night. Surely she could have handled that with much more grace and since she was setting pick up time it would have been easy enough. Her manners and compassion about that are truly lacking and OP I think you will find yourself better without. Last night was unfortunate and awkward. This morning was classless and insensitive.

 

but I still don't think up until their talk that she was doing anything wrong or that the OP should assume she had a preference. BTW, just saw my facialist the other day and asked about her guy she was dating (from online) that had been giving her trouble the last time I saw her (flakiness, etc). She didn't even know who I was talking about. Then remembered told me she had given up on him because of way he treated her, in no time was dating 3 other guys. Two of them were initially her favorites. But over time it was the 3rd guy who proved to be the best guy, very sweet to her, serious about her and they are very happy together. Probably moving in together soon. If he had suspected he wasn't top pick, and thrown in the towel for his ego's sake, they'd both be missing out!! If you are the type of guy who needs exclusivity or you get turned off, well just ask for it pretty upfront as realistically compromised as you can. Otherwise don't be a baby about it or cut off your nose to spite your face. You can't have it both ways and you might miss out on some great people who date differently than you do.

 

Good luck OP. Sorry it turned out this way. But mark my words it will be a blessing in disguise.

[smackie9]

What I see is that she met someone she likes better, fair enough, it happens. The brunch was a planned breakup IMO, not second fiddle thing. It was unfortunate that you saw her on a date with other guy before the brunch. I doubt she would have kept seeing you, and strung you along.

 

Tip: if you expect exclusivity, you need to be seeing someone more than once a week. If they can't make time, then it's a no brainer they are dating others or keeping their options open.

[losangelena]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. Really means a lot.

 

So I ended up seeing her. Had a hard time getting in touch with her this morning to confirm, so I called shortly before our designated time, and she said she'd just woken up but was still down to meet up half an hour later. I wait in the lobby, and she comes down the elevator with the same guy I'd seen her with the night before... I'm not gonna lie, this one hurt.

 

We talk about it during brunch. Long story short, I communicate what I've shared here, she likes me but wants to continue dating the other guy, and we break it off.

 

I don't really know how I feel right now. Just trying to bury myself in work at the moment. On to the next one, I guess.

 

 

Eeeesh ... yeah, wow. I'm sorry, OP that's gotta sting. I don't think anyone would be OK with that. That's taking the multidating thing a bit too far, methinks.

[TaraMaiden2]

....So I ended up seeing her. Had a hard time getting in touch with her this morning to confirm, so I called shortly before our designated time, and she said she'd just woken up but was still down to meet up half an hour later. I wait in the lobby, and she comes down the elevator with the same guy I'd seen her with the night before... I'm not gonna lie, this one hurt.

 

So basically, she slept with him. If she was hard to get hold of, she simply wasn't answering her 'phone, because she knew it was you.....

And if she'd just 'woken up' - and came into the lobby with him.... well, 2 + 2 = a big fat slap in the face....

 

We talk about it during brunch. Long story short, I communicate what I've shared here, she likes me but wants to continue dating the other guy, and we break it off.

Incredible. In your shoes, I would have walked out there and then, when she came to the lobby..... Please tell me you didn't pay for lunch.....

She's insolent, frankly inconsiderate and wants the best of both worlds.

Let him have her....

 

I don't really know how I feel right now. Just trying to bury myself in work at the moment. On to the next one, I guess.

Think, think, think... "Thank God I didn't end up with her.... goodness knows what a flaky GF SHE would have been....!"

 

 

You'd be absolutely right about that.

 

Horrific.

[jen1447]

Did your brunch just happen to be in the same hotel they spent the night? (And did she look like crap lol? Usually 30 minutes isn't enough for a woman to feel presentable, esp for a date.) Pretty bizarre at any rate.

 

That was really tactless to just brazenly put last night's date in your face. It's one thing to multi-date, but I don't think even fellow experienced multi-daters really want to see their dates' other dates in the flesh.

 

Almost sounds like that was a ploy to send you a message. Really dumb and shady considering she could have just given you the message verbally. (And I have a hard time believing anyone's quite that dim to not realize the impression that would make.)

[RedRobin]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. Really means a lot.

 

So I ended up seeing her. Had a hard time getting in touch with her this morning to confirm, so I called shortly before our designated time, and she said she'd just woken up but was still down to meet up half an hour later. I wait in the lobby, and she comes down the elevator with the same guy I'd seen her with the night before... I'm not gonna lie, this one hurt.

 

We talk about it during brunch. Long story short, I communicate what I've shared here, she likes me but wants to continue dating the other guy, and we break it off.

 

I don't really know how I feel right now. Just trying to bury myself in work at the moment. On to the next one, I guess.

 

Classy.

 

Word to the wise. Find out up front what their dating style is and dont waste your time with multidaters.

 

She came down with him to have brunch with you to get some kind of competition thing going with him. She probably wants the exclusive thing with him, and keeps other guys around to keep her ego afloat. Or who the hell knows. She sounds like someone not worth knowing. I am sorry you had to find out the hard way.

 

You can see how the character challenged and drama loving might enjoy this style of 'dating'. Blech.

 

As far as 'giving' way to other guys (or girls). Whatever. People are interested or they aren't. You want someone flighty who needs the attention of X number of people and can't decide for themselves? Sounds like a recipe for getting cheated on or monkey branched down the road.

 

You are very fortunate you found out this early. It's sucks now, but you have a valuable lesson you can take with you and make a better decision about next time.

[kgcolonel]

You were showing more class than I think I would have.

 

I would have left the lobby when she shows up with her FB or what ever he is. Shows her true self. You dodged a bullet.

[Odinani]

i vote for option c.

 

 

I will never understand why anyone gets so upset at knowing that the person they are dating are seeing others. Both parties are free until they become exclusive but nowadays no one likes to put a label on anything bc they are too immature to have a talk an communicate.

 

this:):):):):)

[Versacehottie]

Classy.

 

 

She came down with him to have brunch with you to get some kind of competition thing going with him. She probably wants the exclusive thing with him, and keeps other guys around to keep her ego afloat. Or who the hell knows. She sounds like someone not worth knowing. I am sorry you had to find out the hard way.

 

 

Well I'm thinking if she did this (might have or is just clueless and self-centered), it might just blow up in her face. To her date last night she either:

a) said nothing, which makes her look like the jerk who is going on a date right after she slept with him

b) said something about the OP and purpose of the "date" (breaking it off or something to that effect) which gives off a clinger vibe to her new guy.

 

So yeah I'm expecting it to backfire on her. It was just dum all the way around.

[RedRobin]

Here's the thing... If he didn't see it with his own eyes it wouldn't have made a difference. She was still doing it.

 

This whole thing that she should multi date and it's ok as long as it's not in his face? Well, WTH. Why not?!

 

Either be out and proud about who you are dating and effing or don't do it.

 

IMHO, there is no good way to multi date IF you are looking for a serious relationship based on trust.

 

IF you don't know what you want and are not looking for something serious, then by all means, date a bazillion people. Who cares?

 

My guess is that the OP believed this woman was looking for something serious (with someone), and she lied about her whereabouts and schedule, and now her actions show she is not serious... Rather dramatically too. She is playing the field.

 

This is why some others recommended that he just cancel or stand her up. That's what I do when I find out a guy is multi dating. The other girl can have the cheater in training.

[ExpatInItaly]

You were showing more class than I think I would have.

 

I would have left the lobby when she shows up with her FB or what ever he is. Shows her true self. You dodged a bullet.

 

So true.

 

All I can think is "WTH"

 

Be glad you're rid of such an inconsiderate woman, OP.

[Maggie4]

In hindsight it looks like the OP was never in the running. I think there's something to be said for being a bit pushy, otherwise you go along for a month, paying for meals, not knowing how she feels. This happens to people. The other person knows your expectations, but if you don't push, then they pretend they don't know.

[callingyouuu]

If he had suspected he wasn't top pick, and thrown in the towel for his ego's sake, they'd both be missing out!! If you are the type of guy who needs exclusivity or you get turned off, well just ask for it pretty upfront as realistically compromised as you can. Otherwise don't be a baby about it or cut off your nose to spite your face. You can't have it both ways and you might miss out on some great people who date differently than you do.

 

It seems like there are two schools of thought when it comes to how you should respond when someone you're interested in is dating multiple people. Some people consider competition a natural part of the process, while others find it an ineffective way to really develop a connection with someone. I just happen to be in the latter category.

 

I think either choice (multi-dating or not) has its sacrifices, and you choose which one better fits how you approach relationships. You elegantly pointed out the downside of only dating one person at a time, and I agree that I may miss out on getting to know some great people. And I'm ok with that, since I feel that relationship dynamic isn't what I'm looking for. I think people who multi-date know they might turn off people who see relationships like myself, and that's the sacrifice they think is worth having multiple options to consider at once. And there are people who live in the middle of the spectrum who ascribe to one-at-a-time dating but are cool with competing for someone's affection who they may not know very well.

 

None of it is wrong. I think the end-goal is being honest with how you feel, making a choice in your dating style accordingly, and accepting whatever sacrifices that come with that choice. And that's why I'm ok with this choice.

 

The brunch was a planned breakup IMO, not second fiddle thing. It was unfortunate that you saw her on a date with other guy before the brunch. I doubt she would have kept seeing you, and strung you along.

 

I disagree that it was a planned breakup. I planned the brunch, not her. Also she seemed to be doing whatever she could to avoid the topic, not making any mention of how I obviously just saw the guy she slept with walk out of the elevator with her. I had to bring it up afterwards myself. Appreciate the tip, though.

 

Please tell me you didn't pay for lunch....

 

I did pay. I guess I'm a tool.

 

Did your brunch just happen to be in the same hotel they spent the night? (And did she look like crap lol? Usually 30 minutes isn't enough for a woman to feel presentable, esp for a date.) Pretty bizarre at any rate.

 

No, we live in the same apartment building, so I came down to wait for her in the lobby. They came down after me. She looked really nice, although I am still attracted to her physically so it could be my residual rose-colored glasses talking.

 

Word to the wise. Find out up front what their dating style is and dont waste your time with multidaters.

 

Too true. I think this is one of the big lessons I need to remember moving forward.

[Maggie4]

OP I don't quite agree with your characterization of one at a time vs competition. Multidating is a new word to me, I don't know exactly know what it means. There are also people who use the word girlfriend too easily. But I believe it's semantics, and that in reality people are not very different.

Yeah, I'm sure this hurt. But she's probably not the love of your life anyway, if you live in the same building and only see each other once a week, I gather you weren't exactly in love.