Taking someone on a date tomorrow. Just ran into her on a date tonight with a guy.

[callingyouuu]

So there's a girl I've been dating over the past month. We're both in graduate school with super hectic schedules, but we've usually been able to carve out a time once a week. On Wednesday, we agreed to go out for brunch tomorrow, and I've kinda been looking forward to it since we don't get to see each other very often.

 

So fast forward to tonight: I was walking back home from the gym a few hours ago and run into her dressed up, going out with another guy. We made eye contact, so we're both aware. I feel disappointed and suddenly unexcited about tomorrow.

 

I don't know. Part of me wants to blame myself; maybe I'm too conservative in my non-multidating ways? It just feels disappointing, especially how our date won't be more than 12 hours past their date. I feel like I have the following options:

• Cancel the date tonight, realize that we might not have compatible dating styles and move on (I have a tendency to close myself off and leave the situation when I feel hurt by someone, so right at this moment, this one feels super appealing)
  
• Go on the date, not bring up what I saw tonight, and hope for the best (not feeling this one to be honest... I guess I'm not one to fight for a relationship in which I feel the other person isn't very invested)
  
• Go on the date and awkwardly bring up our run-in tonight ("so... what were you up to last night?") and gauge her reaction to assess interest. Then decide if this is worth my time (ie NC vs continue dating).
  

 

What would you guys do? Any advice would be awesome.

[truth_seeker]

This happened for a reason. Take it as a warning sign. She purposely made you the brunch guy so she could get all dolled up on a Saturday night to be with another guy? Ditch her. Don't show up. I wouldn't be surprised if you get a text from her canceling to beat you to the punch.

 

What would be interesting is if you can get another date lined up for brunch. Show up with another woman! That would be something.

[dumbass2]

Are you two romantic? Have you had sex with her?

[LilaMarie]

I vote for option C.

 

 

I will never understand why anyone gets so upset at knowing that the person they are dating are seeing others. Both parties are free until they become exclusive but nowadays no one likes to put a label on anything bc they are too immature to have a talk an communicate.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The common sense, appropriate-guy thing to do would be GO on the date, AND bring it up, and play it off like it isn't any big deal at all (AND don't let it be one).

 

 

*** unLESS you and she have been MARRIED to one another for 25 years (or 25 days)

 

 

(until you inform us otherwise, she is allowed...)

 

 

Don't do the creepy, unconfident things/reactions.

[Ic1]

I don't know the whole story, or where you guys were at. But I would cancel the brunch date and leave the ball in her field so she can address you about it. If she doesn't respond ever again, good thing you found out.

 

She didn't do anything wrong if you weren't in a relationship, but maybe you weren't on the same page? Could be confusing with how long you were spending time, but how infrequently.

 

What would be interesting is if you can get another date lined up for brunch. Show up with another woman! That would be something.

 

Don't go lower than her!

[TunaCat]

You say you've been dating over the past month.

 

Have you guys discussed exclusivity?

 

If not, then you have no reason to get upset with her.

 

If you guys are already exclusive, then yes you have a reason to get upset with her.

[truth_seeker]

The common sense, appropriate-guy thing to do would be GO on the date, AND bring it up, and play it off like it isn't any big deal at all (AND don't let it be one).

 

 

*** unLESS you and she have been MARRIED to one another for 25 years (or 25 days)

 

 

(until you inform us otherwise, she is allowed...)

 

 

Don't do the creepy, unconfident things/reactions.

 

Why? He's second fiddle to the guy she's on the date with tonight. What are they going to talk about over brunch? What she did last night with the other guy? How awkward!

 

I think it's weird and somewhat creepy for him to go on this brunch date knowing she was on a date with another man the night before. He's getting leftovers. He saw her for a reason. It's a red flag for him to bail.

 

***I was joking about showing up with another woman.

[callingyouuu]

Are you two romantic? Have you had sex with her?

 

Question 1: yes. Question 2: no.

 

I will never understand why anyone gets so upset at knowing that the person they are dating are seeing others.

 

She didn't do anything wrong if you weren't in a relationship, but maybe you weren't on the same page? Could be confusing with how long you were spending time, but how infrequently.

 

Have you guys discussed exclusivity? If not, then you have no reason to get upset with her.

 

We haven't discussed exclusivity, and to be clear, I don't think she did anything wrong just for seeing other people. I just think it's fair to be honest with my feelings. I'm less excited to see her tomorrow knowing that just a few hours before we go out tomorrow, she was being wined and dined by someone else. I also have the fear that if their date goes really well and they sleep together tonight, I'm basically just paying for her brunch the next morning.

 

Again, I don't think multidaters are bad people. I just feel that this particular situation is not how I envision my next relationship starting, and I think it's reasonable for me to feel that way.

 

I think it's weird and somewhat creepy for him to go on this brunch date knowing she was on a date with another man the night before. He's getting leftovers.

 

This captures my emotions pretty well.

[GoodOnPaper]

You say you've been dating over the past month.

 

Have you guys discussed exclusivity?

 

If not, then you have no reason to get upset with her.

 

If you guys are already exclusive, then yes you have a reason to get upset with her.

 

It's not a matter of whether he has a right to be upset. He's disappointed and his pride/ego is bruised. That's no state of mind to be in on a date regardless of circumstances. I vote to cancel the brunch date, focus on getting a date with another woman, then maybe contact brunch girl if he's still interested at that point.

[TheBathWater]

I say meet up with her and communicate these feelings to her in a mature and honest manner. You can't go wrong with honesty.

[jen1447]

Seems to me like a phone call ahead of the brunch explaining the sensibilities you've explained here (and cancelling the brunch and any further dates) would be ideal. That way you're not doing anything you feel uncomfy with but you're still being dignified.

[mystikmind2005]

That is what you call an 'oops' moment, no one's fault, just bad luck.

[TheBullFrog]

This is why i hate modern dating. Why dont people just date one person at a time? Are people today that desperate for attention?

[TaraMaiden2]

Actually, I think I'd just go, and say nothing.

 

You're looking at it subjectively (understandably). But think of it the other way: what if this OTHER guy was the patsy? She's being seeing you for a month, and she's flaking HIM off? Would she have said "OMG, we just ran into the guy I've been seeing for a month, and we have a date tomorrow night!" ...? I would bet not....

 

I'd go on the date, and frankly? Let her come up with the reason, excuse, explanation, clarification...

Don't jump to conclusions, but if as you say,

 

We made eye contact, so we're both aware.

 

Then she knows, already, she's going to have some talking to do.

 

If you've been dating casually, have had no 'exclusivity' discussion, and have not had sex, then with the greatest of respect, examine too, your sense of 'entitlement'.

 

But in your shoes? I'd still attend the date (if she doesn't bail!) and let things unroll from her end.

Play it cool, and let her do the work.....

[SethDamien]

The best way to go about it is don't contact her... Then her action will bear down on her. In time, you might receive a call from her trying to explain herself, or in the most mature way, she might apologize.

 

The point is, exclusive or not, she's dating two guys at the same time which says a lot about herself. She MIGHT cheat on you if you do become "exclusive"

 

Im not saying she will, but if you do become exclusive, keep your guard up, but do you really wanna stay in a relationship where trust is shaken?

 

cheers

[RedRobin]

I think it is fine if you've lost your enthusiasm for her. It is an indication that you aren't compatible.

 

I don't think it is insecure. She should have told you she was seeing others. I don't agree that people should automatically assume. I DO think it is wrong to multi date more than a date or two and think the stupid exclusive talk is for indecisive attention hounds.

 

My guess is you are probably having doubts about some of your past discussions with her, right? When I get the sense a guy is multi dating while seeing me, I lose my enthusiasm too. He becomes like a friend to me. Not someone I want to invest anything more into. This happened a couple of times in the past, and I just decided to do my best to avoid them altogether. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

 

I think cancel the brunch and ditch her. Do it respectfully, of course.

 

Next time, tell women up front you aren't a multidater if you want to avoid the jugglers. That's what I do. Makes life a whole lot simpler for me. I think you will find a lot of people aren't into it (multi dating) once you start screening for them... And you will be surprised at how much more sane and straightforward dating becomes. It's like night and day.

 

Your last comment is exactly how I feel... That you don't see your relationships starting this way. I agree with you 100%. To me, multi dating doesn't promote intimacy or trust... And the idea if it is so foreign to me, that I really want nothing to do with someone who doesn't get that.

[TaraMaiden2]

I don't know if multi-dating is a universally-new concept, or a specifically American one, but I never 'multi-dated' and never would, and the situation was never on the table with anyone I was involved with. It was a given that if you dated someone - you dated someONE....

 

It's just respectful.

 

My previous post addressed the matter as if this was a normal consideration for those in a dating situation, in the USA... but I agree on the whole, mostly with RedRobin....

[TheBullFrog]

I think it is fine if you've lost your enthusiasm for her. It is an indication that you aren't compatible.

 

I don't think it is insecure. She should have told you she was seeing others. I don't agree that people should automatically assume. I DO think it is wrong to multi date more than a date or two and think the stupid exclusive talk is for indecisive attention hounds.

 

My guess is you are probably having doubts about some of your past discussions with her, right? When I get the sense a guy is multi dating while seeing me, I lose my enthusiasm too. He becomes like a friend to me. Not someone I want to invest anything more into. This happened a couple of times in the past, and I just decided to do my best to avoid them altogether. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

 

I think cancel the brunch and ditch her. Do it respectfully, of course.

 

Next time, tell women up front you aren't a multidater if you want to avoid the jugglers. That's what I do. Makes life a whole lot simpler for me. I think you will find a lot of people aren't into it (multi dating) once you start screening for them... And you will be surprised at how much more sane and straightforward dating becomes. It's like night and day.

 

Your last comment is exactly how I feel... That you don't see your relationships starting this way. I agree with you 100%. To me, multi dating doesn't promote intimacy or trust... And the idea if it is so foreign to me, that I really want nothing to do with someone who doesn't get that.

 

So you think after 5 dates it would be ok to ask if you are exclusive with a girl?

[TaraMaiden2]

So you think after 5 dates it would be ok to ask if you are exclusive with a girl?

 

I think after 3 dates, myself!!

[RedRobin]

To be clear, I live in the U.S... I don't tolerate multi dating past the first couple of dates. I tell men up front that I don't multi date. (This is with OLD). When dating IRL, if I suspect he is seeing others, I will not go on a date with him. I am part of no man's harem.

 

I can't control what others do, and am not about to tell someone they can't date others. What I do is give them lots of rope...then see what they do with it.

 

If they are still multi dating after that... And especially if they are pushing for physical intimacy and multi dating?... Oooooooh helllllll no.

 

Anyway, OP. You see how strongly I feel about this. There are others like me who feel the same. You don't need to accept multi dating... At all.

 

Edited: If a guy were still multi dating after two or three dates, he'd be gone.

Edited November 15, 2015 by RedRobin

[TheBullFrog]

Thanks, if i ever have a 6th date with this girl im dating i will try to bring it up. Probably a wrong move and may seem clingy but **** it.

[ManyDissapoint]

To be clear, I live in the U.S... I don't tolerate multi dating past the first couple of dates. I tell men up front that I don't multi date. (This is with OLD). When dating IRL, if I suspect he is seeing others, I will not go on a date with him. I am part of no man's harem.

 

I can't control what others do, and am not about to tell someone they can't date others. What I do is give them lots of rope...then see what they do with it.

 

If they are still multi dating after that... And especially if they are pushing for physical intimacy and multi dating?... Oooooooh helllllll no.

 

Anyway, OP. You see how strongly I feel about this. There are others like me who feel the same. You don't need to accept multi dating... At all.

 

Edited: If a guy were still multi dating after two or three dates, he'd be gone.

 

I love your posts! Really enjoy your blend of traditional progressive sensibilities! I want to find a woman with those.

[Buddhist]

Why? He's second fiddle to the guy she's on the date with tonight. What are they going to talk about over brunch? What she did last night with the other guy? How awkward!

 

I think it's weird and somewhat creepy for him to go on this brunch date knowing she was on a date with another man the night before. He's getting leftovers. He saw her for a reason. It's a red flag for him to bail.

 

I agree with this and I can understand his hurt to be honest. She's been pretending she is super busy, when in reality she's putting him off to see someone else. It's obvious she never told him she was seeing other people and to be honest I don't think he should have to assume that either.

 

He wants a woman's undivided attention, and well I don't blame him. I nix anyone who isn't dating me exclusively from the first date. It isn't a need to try out multiple partners all at the same time, that's bull****. And it's not unreasonable to expect someone to be interested in you. How can she really be interested in him when she's spending time with someone else?

 

If it were me I'd move on as fast as I could, and not look back.

[Maggie4]

It is not unusual for a desirable woman to have several suiters, or as they used to called them: gentleman callers.

 

It depends on whether she's been straightforward about her other dates. It's a bit tricky.. if she tells you about the other dates too much, you might think she's bragging. If she doesn't tell you, you might think she's dishonest.

 

You should decide if she is what you want. If she is a real catch, why should you back down just because another man wants her? Most men compete with each other when the woman is worth it.

 

If I really want a certain great guy, and he's dating someone else at the same time, assuming there was no deceit, I would try to get rid of my competition. If I keep giving way to other women, they'll keep taking the good ones and I end up with the guy who has no other dates.