maysj18 Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months or so and things have been rocky the last few weeks due to him putting forth no effort. We live about 45 minutes apart and both work full time. I used to drive down one weekday because my schedule allowed for it, and then we would alternate weekends. Things were wonderful for so long, then small things started happening that made me feel unappreciated, taken for granted, and used. I was doing ALL the planning, driving, etc. it just all built up and about 6 weeks ago I finally sat him down and told him exactly how I felt. Well, that's led to some rockiness. There's a lot more to the story, but for the sake of this one situation that's all you really need to know. Well, the past two weekends I drove to see him. A mutual friend is moving away and last weekend I asked about a going away party and he said that he was probably going to throw something this weekend. I assumed that it would be on Saturday (today) but on Wednesday I got a text saying the party was Friday. No asking if I was busy or formally inviting me, which irritated the living **** out of me because I had even told my boyfriend a day prior about the small gift I had gotten the friend. I told him I couldn't go because of work and I guess he felt bad. Later on, he threw gas on the fire by saying "Everyone was only free on Saturday :(" and that hurt my feelings even more because obviously I wasnt asked. 2 things to note: I did not blow up on him or anything even close. I just explained that it was just a bit inconsiderate, especially given the past few weeks. Secondly, I would not expect the party to be changed just because of me. I would completely understand and would be bummed, but not mad at him. It was just the lack of courtesy to ask whenever he was unaware of my availability and knew I had already bought the gift. Now, the current issue is that he wants to play some game with this friend today that will last way into the evening. I asked him repeatedly to let me know AHEAD of time what the plans for today were and if he was coming over. Not until late last night did he mention the game which would mean he wouldn't get here until late tonight. I told him that wasn't okay with me because I asked for definite plans earlier and now he decides super early Saturday morning to tell me what he wants to do. (Update: he's been home all damn day because his friend had plans with a girl; not even sure if they are playing now. God bless) I get that his pal is leaving and I hate that, but they work side by side 5 days a week and live 5 minutes apart. They have hung out every day for the last several weeks. I just want Saturday through Sunday, that's it. What makes it so additionally annoying is that next weekend is the beginning of the holiday break so he's going to visit family. The weekend after he gets back, I'll be gone. This isn't a casual relationship, so I obviously am not stoked that we won't see each other for 3 weekends in a row. The holiday is one thing, but the reasoning behind this weekend just makes me mad. I feel completely crazy though and that I should be mad given the circumstances, but I dont feel like a priority. Oh, and I obviously could go down to his place this weekend but because the party was moved to Friday I told my roommate I would be home this weekend. We have two cats and she decided to go visit some friends since she knew I'd be with the kitties.
Redfisher Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 How old are you two? I think his effort is weak...at six months and being 45 minutes apart I would be dying to see you..But I'm 41 and don't play games anymore so I may be off base here.
Author maysj18 Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 Thanks for your reply. Honestly, I feel the same way; i can always make time For him. We're both 25. We have a history stretching to middle school which is why I'm struggling a bit and wanting to make this work.
Redfisher Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I understand you wanting to make it work...But you will be the one having to do this forever as I'm afraid he most likely will not change. Id take a break and weigh your options.
CarrieT Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 Your frustration is warranted. Time for you to stop doing all the work. Let him pull some of the effort and when/if you see he's not that interested, you know it is time to pull the plug on the relationship. 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 Thanks for your reply. Honestly, I feel the same way; i can always make time For him. We're both 25. We have a history stretching to middle school which is why I'm struggling a bit and wanting to make this work. Sounds like you moved on from Middle School, and he stayed there. This relationship has been outgrown by you. I'm sorry, you really need to broaden your horizons. I think it's stale, and I'll be honest, being taken for granted will kill everything you've got to give. My suggestion would be to quit trying to bolster up BOTH sides, and look to yourself. Is he worth the effort? Are you? Who's worth more? Think very carefully about ending this, because the only one making the effort at the moment, is you. And that, in anyone's book, is unfair. 1
Yookie Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 While I understand your frustration with the lack of planning on his part, you shouldn't take it personally because some people are just bad at pre-planning. He sounds like one of those people who do things last minute. You'll have to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you. I just want Saturday through Sunday, that's it. This is a another area of contention that could possibly be due to compatibility. I would not want to devote my entire weekend to my boyfriend. I have a life and responsibilities outside of the relationship so asking for the whole weekend every weekend would be too much for me personally. Perhaps your boyfriend feels the same.
Author maysj18 Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 While I understand your frustration with the lack of planning on his part, you shouldn't take it personally because some people are just bad at pre-planning. He sounds like one of those people who do things last minute. You'll have to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you. This is a another area of contention that could possibly be due to compatibility. I would not want to devote my entire weekend to my boyfriend. I have a life and responsibilities outside of the relationship so asking for the whole weekend every weekend would be too much for me personally. Perhaps your boyfriend feels the same. There is no other time to see each other. Weekdays are jam packed. i just mean one weekend night. Like Saturday afternoon to Sunday morning, for example. Not the entire weekend, although he begs me to stay longer when I'm with him. We both like our alone time for sure and we get plenty of it. But I understand what everyone is saying and I appreciate your feedback so much. What makes it hard is a lot of this stems from his depression. He's in school too (works part time during the school year) and alllll this started happening when school got going. He is an absolute perfectionist who hates school, and that just stress him out so much. This is something that I am extremely empathetic towards because college was a horrible time for me and my anxiety. I also feel more connected to him because we grew up together and were friends. All that coupled with the fact that I'm a healthcare provider just make it hard for me to validate leaving him just yet. I can't save him and we all have to grow up at some point and accept help or face the consequences, but he's so special to me. i know I can still be there for him as a friend, but that takes boundaries that I know we wouldn't have. It would have to be a NC break up for a LONG time.
xcupid Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 Your frustration is warranted. Time for a chat with him. Otherwise you're going to be spinning your wheels and start resenting him.
losangelena Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I think your frustration is warranted. It does sound a bit like you're over-functioning (I do it too). I echo what the others have said—pull way back. Set an expectation, let him pull the weight and see what happens. My ex chronically underperformed in our relationship because I wouldn't stop over-functioning. It was so hard for me to give that up though, because there were times where I thought that if I stopped driving the engine, the entire thing would stop. Well, the entire thing stopped anyway, and I could've saved myself a lot of anxiety and frustration had I sat back a bit. I'm not saying that you and your BF will break up, but I also don't think it would be the end of the world if you did; you don't sound very happy, or fulfilled. I understand the impulse to wanna stick things out, especially with someone you've known for so long. I have a friend who I've known since middle school, and about 10 years ago (we're 35), he went through a period of acting like a selfish little sh*t. I too said things like, "but we've known each other since we were 11!" as a reason to put up with his bad behavior, but eventually I had enough. We went through a few years of not talking, and then he moved across the country, before things eventually got better. You're right about the growing up part—that can take years sometimes, and a lot of uncomfortable circumstances. Maybe your BF needs a dose of reality to help him mature a little bit.
Ami1uwant Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I have a different opinion here. Separate this going away party. It sounds like this was done on Friday to benefit coworkers..not you. Thus is a close friend of his so you should repect that of him wanting to spend some time eith him before he leaves. The bigger issue is what happened a few weekends ago. You said it was one weekend at yours thus the other weekend at his...correct? What were the other problems that you thought he was being selfish?
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