Marc878 Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 What should I read? I already work out and am in fairly good shape. I'll try to find some sort of club I'm interested in although I know I'll probably dislike it at first. The main thing is getting out. You probably have a tendency to stay home. You can't grow or gain experience there. It'll probably be a change from your norm and will be awkward at first but if you want change you'll have to push yourself. Take painting, cooking or a dance class. Anything to gain some exposure and interaction. Plan it. Mark off time to do things and carry it out. Long term you'll be glad you did. You can do this. Anyone can. As for reading material. There are tons google it and pick out what you think will help you along the most.
darkbloom Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 (edited) Okay. Pep talk time. Are you ready? This is serious. STOP FOCUSING ON WHAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE. You need to understand that it's going to be awkward the first few dates. No one is an expert off the bat and everyone started somewhere. It comes off as insecure when you talk about it so much and that's a major turn off. She will come along. Stop worrying. Breathe. Edited November 15, 2015 by darkbloom
Qboro90 Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 On the dating app Bumble, doesn't that put women in the position to send out the first message? Thanks for your reply, I really do appreciate it. 1) I get that it's a numbers game, but it breaks my heart to hear that I'd have to put up with 10 years of this just to find someone that I can care about and have her care about me... is the hell really worth it all in the end? It might sound like I'm being a little baby and maybe I am. 2) I would love to, but the things I enjoy are typically introverted things. I could force myself to be more outgoing and I may even enjoy it for a while (and I've done it before) but I always seem to revert to my homebody hobbies/behaviours because that's what I like (maybe I'm too comfortable this way?). I do hit the gym often but I don't really meet women there as I'm trying to get my workout done and get out. As for work, I'm an engineer so most the coworkers are males too and generally they're older so they tend to prioritize their family life after work. 3) How do I branch out? Do you mean in terms of online dating? Well so, it was like my first real date. I was nervous, and I think she was pretty shy as well so it made my job more difficult. I gave her a hug straight off the bat which she didn't seem to be receptive to for some reason. The whole date was pretty awkward... I was trying to ask her something but I'd get one word answers and I was nervous so I couldn't do much with them, and my mind got blank quite often so there was awkward silences. (It's weird, her and I were texting back and forth a lot for about a week and she seemed really into me and responsive through text). I don't recall specific questions but it was mostly boring stuff. I dropped her off to her car which was parked a bit further away and I felt awkward and gave her an awkward side hug, to which she responded "what was that?" and gave me a full hug. Then before she left, I asked for a good night kiss and she just pointed me to her cheek which I kissed. We said good night parted ways. Today I texted her (from yesterday) and admit that the first date was a bit awkward and if we could try for a second one to which she replied she isn't ready for all this. I wished her the best of luck and she did the same so I guess I must have messed up royally. I liked her and she was actually someone I was interested in because we shared similar qualities and interests. Oh well. Feels like I won't find someone like her again, but I know that's just mental bias. First thing I'll say is that you should never point out your perceptions if they're negative to your date. Like when you texted her the next day saying things were a little awkward on the first date but you'd like to try again. That's not exactly going to entice the girl or get her interested. If you thought things were awkward or even if things went terribly.... Never say that, just reach out to her with something like "hey, really enjoyed you're company last night, would really like to take you out again if you're free this week". Fake confidence until you have it otherwise it comes off as you know you didn't do a good job on the date and you're almost apologetically trying to get her to go through that again on date #2. Don't feel awkward about hello hugs or kisses on the cheek. That's normal interaction if you're going on a date so when you see her just confidently go in and give her a kiss on the cheek "hey how's it going". And personally, I never asked a girl if I could kiss her at the end of the date. That makes it awkward and puts hers in a strange position. If you were nervous then when you're dropping her off stop the car and say "thanks for coming out tonight, I had a great time" lean in kiss her on the cheek and you're set. Make sure when you lean in tho she knows it's a cheek kiss otherwise she might pull away so there's a certain way to approach it in order to keep it classy. Lastly, it's always going to be easier to text and bond because each person has time to plan out their response and be confident in their words. In person that luxury isn't there so you have to make an effort to set things up in your favor. As far as things to say on the date..... Always ask things that leave the chance for openended replies instead of yes or no questions. Example- "Have you been here before? Do you like Italian food?" - that's gonna get a short reply and leave u stuck thinking of what to say to fill the void. Instead say something like - "ok so random question to keep things fun.... If you were having your last meal today... What would you ask for/want to eat?". That will let her think a little and you can expand on the convo based on her answer. I always asked out of the norm things for 2 reasons. 1. It entertained me and I was able to have to confident nature to make the girl feel like playing along. "OMG haha that's such a random thing to ask..." Is a typical reply but then I countered with "would you prefer to talk about the weather? Politics? ... Cmon have some fun with me". 2. It lets me find out more about them in a way that's laid back and casual instead of forcing the same mundane questions down one another's throats. "What do you do for work? If you could have any job in the world, what would you do?... Or ... Do you remember when you were in grade school and they asked what you wanted to be when you grow up? What did you used to put down as an answer?". Might sound odd but it's just another way to look at it if you need a different approach.
Author lonelysadness12 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 First thing I'll say is that you should never point out your perceptions if they're negative to your date. Like when you texted her the next day saying things were a little awkward on the first date but you'd like to try again. That's not exactly going to entice the girl or get her interested. If you thought things were awkward or even if things went terribly.... Never say that, just reach out to her with something like "hey, really enjoyed you're company last night, would really like to take you out again if you're free this week". Fake confidence until you have it otherwise it comes off as you know you didn't do a good job on the date and you're almost apologetically trying to get her to go through that again on date #2. Don't feel awkward about hello hugs or kisses on the cheek. That's normal interaction if you're going on a date so when you see her just confidently go in and give her a kiss on the cheek "hey how's it going". And personally, I never asked a girl if I could kiss her at the end of the date. That makes it awkward and puts hers in a strange position. If you were nervous then when you're dropping her off stop the car and say "thanks for coming out tonight, I had a great time" lean in kiss her on the cheek and you're set. Make sure when you lean in tho she knows it's a cheek kiss otherwise she might pull away so there's a certain way to approach it in order to keep it classy. Lastly, it's always going to be easier to text and bond because each person has time to plan out their response and be confident in their words. In person that luxury isn't there so you have to make an effort to set things up in your favor. As far as things to say on the date..... Always ask things that leave the chance for openended replies instead of yes or no questions. Example- "Have you been here before? Do you like Italian food?" - that's gonna get a short reply and leave u stuck thinking of what to say to fill the void. Instead say something like - "ok so random question to keep things fun.... If you were having your last meal today... What would you ask for/want to eat?". That will let her think a little and you can expand on the convo based on her answer. I always asked out of the norm things for 2 reasons. 1. It entertained me and I was able to have to confident nature to make the girl feel like playing along. "OMG haha that's such a random thing to ask..." Is a typical reply but then I countered with "would you prefer to talk about the weather? Politics? ... Cmon have some fun with me". 2. It lets me find out more about them in a way that's laid back and casual instead of forcing the same mundane questions down one another's throats. "What do you do for work? If you could have any job in the world, what would you do?... Or ... Do you remember when you were in grade school and they asked what you wanted to be when you grow up? What did you used to put down as an answer?". Might sound odd but it's just another way to look at it if you need a different approach. Thanks for the advice. Yeah, I was just nervous with everything I did with her I think and I'm sure she saw that. I couldn't really help it to be honest, I didn't want to screw up and that's exactly what I did. Self-fulfilling prophecy. As for coming up with questions like that, I'm not exactly creative so those kind of random questions don't flow as easily as they could but I'll practice as much as I can. Hopefully, if there is a next time, I'll be able to be a little more relaxed and just take the date as it is and not put so much pressure on it.
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