Hope4thefuture Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. Very complicated situation. We both just got recently divorced. Mine for over a year. His for six months. We have been moving very slowly in our relationship which I am glad. However now I am very confused. We both have kids and our schedules don't match so we only see each other once a week. Occasionally on a weekend. He has met some of my friends, but no family. I have a met a few of his cousins. Because of the circumstances he said he wants to wait a little while to introduce me to his immediate family. I can't tell if he is ashamed of telling his family about me or honestly wanting to wait for a bit. I am trying not to be selfish but I feel that for a relationship to grow you have to include your girlfriend in your life. I have feelings for him, but now they have kind of stalled. I felt as if I was falling in love with him., but now I'm not so sure. I am afraid off getting hurt, that I have tried to make myself stop having feelings for him. Plus we don't spend all that much time together to make those feelings grow into something more in my opinion. My friends tell me I should be busy on the day I am supposed to see and see what happens. I'm not sure that is the route to take. I feel as if I at least need to talk to him about this and not just become distant. But I am so afraid of what he might say and be hurt. Maybe it is better knowing now than when I get completely invested. Should I take a break or communicate my feelings and see what happens? Thanks for your thoughts.
Versacehottie Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I agree with your friends. Maybe it is too convenient, too routine for him (and now you!). He is sounding a bit lazy, uninspired if you just have a set date night. That said, you both decided to go slow. He may be protecting you from his family (as they are bound to have strong feelings) and vice versa. You can change you the date routine with no real explanation to kind of see how invested/what his intentions are AND you should separately (and make no link cancelling a date night) discuss your feelings. good relationships are built on good communication. If you are suffering in silence, you are doing both of you a disservice. Until you give him a chance to explain his position, you have no real idea why he's decided to handle your relationship as it has been handled. He may very honestly think he is honoring your wishes to go slow and keep families separate. By not speaking up and staying with a status quo that doesn't work for you anymore, the relationship is becoming one-sided and unfulfilling. A lot of times by discussing things you get way closer and reach a whole new good level. Sometimes though you also get the clarity and bang over the head that the relationship will never be what you need it to be. I wouldn't just take a break without saying anything or you will have regrets. I would do a two-prong approach by changing up the routine (to test his intentions and actions for real) and communicate. Don't nag or scold him; just tell him what you like, what you hope for in A relationship regarding progression. That's why I think you don't want to "link" the two. You let your actions test his actions. You let your words convey your general vibe. That's way it's not coming off as a threat or nagging that you are messing with date night. He will generally know from your talk that he is not meeting your standards. And your action shows him without threatening him that things may change. Gives him a chance to step it up on his own.
Author Hope4thefuture Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 Thanks for the great advice. Our date night is usually set for wednesdays so I will make other plans for that night. Part of me is really sad because I really do enjoy spending time with him, but you are right. It is usually him canceling due to business trips. If I tell him I am busy he might take notice or he won't. Either way I guess I need to know.
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 Breaks are childish & cause more problems then they solve. Communication resolves problems & is a mature solution. Which do you want? It has only been 6 months since he's been divorced. I suppose there is a possibility that you are a rebound. He may also be embarrassed that you two were together before his divorce was finalized. I'd find a quiet time & discuss your feelings with him. Make it all about you; don't blame him. Say that you are feeling conflicted meaning that you like him but you are wondering where he stands. Explain you are feeling insecure that you two don't spend more time together & that you think it would be nice if you met some of his family but that you are not pushing him. Assure him that you care about him. Confess that you are scared of getting hurt. Don't attack him for isolating you. See how he reacts. Then make the best decision for you. 2
Author Hope4thefuture Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 Thank you. I am seeing him tonight and will talk to him about my feelings. Nervous about the outcome, but better to know than wonder.
rester Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 My friends tell me I should be busy on the day I am supposed to see and see what happens. I'm not sure that is the route to take. I feel as if I at least need to talk to him about this and not just become distant. I agree with communicating and that you have the right idea here, and not your friends. Switching up something that up until now has been routine in your relationship, without a discussion, is uncalled for and will only cause more issues. How would you feel if suddenly he was "too busy" without explanation? That's a terrible way to treat someone. Suggestion: tell him something like this: I can't tell if he is ashamed of telling his family about me or honestly wanting to wait for a bit. I am trying not to be selfish but I feel that for a relationship to grow you have to include your girlfriend in your life. I have feelings for him, but now they have kind of stalled. I felt as if I was falling in love with him., but now I'm not so sure. I am afraid off getting hurt, that I have tried to make myself stop having feelings for him. Plus we don't spend all that much time together to make those feelings grow into something more in my opinion.
Author Hope4thefuture Posted December 5, 2015 Author Posted December 5, 2015 So here's an update: I communicated my feelings to him that I would like to see him more often, and that only seeing each other once a week makes it difficult to move forward. He agreed that he would like to try and see me more as well. So we said after the New Year we would make that happen by trying to switch schedules or getting a sitter. I am trying to be optimistic and positive. However we have had a similar conversation before and nothing improved. Unfortunately, if we don't make an attempt and make that happen this time, I feel like it may be over. I don't want that, however I do want to be in a relationship that is going somewhere. Tonight is the last time I will see him until January which makes me sad. He is going out of town for business and then going home for the holidays. I feel like this month away will give us some time to see if we miss each other and think about what we both want. Plus it will give me time to work on some goals for myself. Who knows maybe this time apart is just what I need.
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