neverwilllearn Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 We had been together every day for one month,. every day. I did nothing then. I knew that LD relationships have a small chance of working out and in spite of the fact that I thought morally insecure about it. Then we had to separate for two months.. US/Canada. Then we were together four months straight. Every day. Every morning he called, every day we had breakfast together. We did everything together. After 1 month together and 2 months seperated, but emailing and calling all the time, I did it and went there during our past four months. All during the 1st month and the 2 months seperated he talked about the possibility of marriage. I have a 10 yr old here in the USA. He has a 15 yr old from a divorced wife and lives in Canada. I fell heavy and I know he did. But when we got together for the 4 month leg of our trip and we began "being together" after my little one went to sleep, we started talking about the reality of how difficult it would be to uproot our children. We knew at the end of the four months we would have to return to reality for the sake of the kids. I love this man. What a great guy he is. Here is the problem... that is causing me heart ache. On our 15 hour flight back to the US.. where I then would then pick up a flight to my home and he would then pick up a flight to Canada, he didn't even touch me once. He didn't say "Baby, I had a wonderful time. I will miss you" nothing. During the flight, I had my head on his shoulder and he never once took my hand or rubbed my arm, nothing. Nothing... I felt awful. It felt like a cold shoulder of someone who has a hidden life and doesn't want me to invade or stalk that life. Honestly, I felt used. Then on his 3rd day home he's emailing me every day saying how much he misses me and how he think about us being together. It's been about a month since I've been home and I cry about that every day thinking about that last day ... I just don't know reality. What kind of guy would be so Ice Cold on a 15 hour flight when they knew we wouldn't be seeing each other for a long time. I chided him gently because I knew he had taken a Xanax for the flight. He said he was sorry that "he wasn't attuned to my needs" .. that he was sort of feeling out of it. But bottom line is I DO NOT GET IT!! How could a guy profess his love one day, then on our last flight when I thought there would be a major bit of snuggling.. there instead was Nothing!!!! It was all I had to give myself to him,... then this. I am being over-sensitive.... or what.. I have not mentioned to him how hurt I was over this... Should I??? ... or should I keep the Always Happy girl image????
prisoner Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 I have so many questions, but they can wait. Your post has an overwhelming tone of something I have heard before. You are questioning your sense of reality. You are wondering about your intrusion in to his life. You want to know what was going through his head for so long. You want to know what, if not you, was in his thoughts. Do you feel abandoned? Seriously. As though he had already said goodbye and the flight was perfunctory? His "corporate" (read: impersonal) answer to your chiding ("attuned" can be such a horrible word) and hisuse of the word "needs" make me wonder if you are worried about what you think of him because of what he said. What he thinks of you. I would ask you to consioder the following: Why are you in an LDR? Are you protecting your child? If so, fair enough. Are you protecting yourself? Why not. So you should. It is just that your post screams of someone dis-satisfied with the arrangement of it. The flight simply embodies how you feel about the whole rel;ationship. Does he miss you enough? Is the heart ache worth it? The phone bills? The travelling? Is the distance a choice or a necessity? You would feel so betrayed if you found pout anything you didnotlike. No matter how big or small. I would suggets that your risk outweighs your reward here. I would tell you to back off. Slowly recede. Let otu the tether a little further each day. Make him come to you. What he does will tell you what to do. You have too much to lose. And please do not question your feelings. That 'happy girl' stuff doesn't work in LDRs. Or any Rs for that matter. you see so much of the person in the reality of the relationship where dates are on the phone and the meals are the most bittersweet part of your day. One more without them. One closer to being with them. be careful. you are risking a lot.
haywood Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 i think that you're looking too much into it. everybody has bad days. maybe he wasn't feeling too good himself that day. now, if he does that on a constant basis, then that should raise a flag. you have to admit that there are some days that you aren't so miss happy go lucky yourself. give him the benefit of the doubt. so far what you've said of him, he seems like a decent guy. it's seems that you're insecure. ask him how he feels about your arrangement and what he sees in the future without giving him any pressure. just be light about it. you'll know what to do from there. remember, no pressure. in fact, ask him jokingly. too much insecurity feels like babysitting. good luck
Author neverwilllearn Posted May 31, 2005 Author Posted May 31, 2005 Prisoner .... thank you .. and I will respond .. My my... how did you do that?? how did you read my brain that sometimes I can't read. All those questions are ones that I felt. On this last leg of our 4 month trip, every day doing things and going out together, every single day, with amore 2 to 3 times a week, with him calling the shots most of the time and me responding positively. Then on our incredibly long transatlantic flight back ... zero! No a peck on the cheek! Nada! So yes, I was thinking what the #@LL was that all about? And it hurt. So good to me for 4 months. Then zero on that flight. Not my picured way of ending the "show". Yes, I had so many questions, like you stated, "what did he really think of me" "were the I love u's real" Then my insecurity monster came alive. A friend of mine said that the fact that it was difficult for him to express his feelings sometimes that he might have been just preparing himself in his own way in avoidance of that last good-bye. Then, as I mentioned, once home he initiated emailing me. And now he emails me almost every single day and has for just about a month with the Love words, I miss u ..in nearly email. "send me the photograph of you that I saw of you" .. that was in an email a few days ago I guess, like Haywood, stated is that "my guy" just had a bad day on that flight (a wee bit untimely though) I just think I wanted a good closure and a feeling that all was all was o.k. and real while we had it. But I think with his constant email and now phone calls I know it was. He is probably hurting as much as me. "your post screams of someone dis-satisfied with the arrangement of it" You are right so right. .. and maybe it is that I am just so upset that life is the way it has to be sometimes. I have a school age child that I couldn't see uprooting to somewhere where we have no relatives. He has a high school girl (who lives with the mother). We were both talking marriage .. I am dissatisfied with life, I guess, that we couldn't figure out what to do. So we left without having a plan. So for now it will have to be just friends .. and maybe the distance will take that away too .. hopefully we won't let that happen. And life goes on ..
prisoner Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 your friend is right, probably. But avoiding the 'last' goodbye is not a good thing. trust me. i have experience with this. passion for the goodbyes proves that there is passion for all things. especially the 'hellos'. Okay so there is that. Then there is what is the next step? Where is the small plan that fits in to the larger strategy. If I wrote my beloved daily with the customary LDR sign offs and didn't make my plans clear (when next? how next? where next?) she would (and she would be right) dismiss my digital canoodlings and demand a strategy from me. LDRS do not work unless the time back together is coming soon. to a theatre. to a hotel. to an airport. to a home. NEAR YOU. i could tell my wonder girl how much i want to marry her but if i didn't have a plan on how we were going to get there i would hear flights and fancy a million times in between colloquialisms and the most profane statements (she used to be detective). get the picture? you deserve more. I am sorrry to tell you that you are doing all of the right things. 'distance' does not give or take away anything. neither does the universe or love or God. Time is a thief, sure. People do the things we do to each other. With the thin gs they equally do and do not do. I am sorry to say that too. Now, see your friend. Go for coffee. Giggle. read a book. do something YOU like to do. It can be as subtle as cook and eat yuor favourite thing. do not wait or wallow or look at the deep end with longing. This is no time to swim. just paddle if you have to. enjoy the water for a while if you can.
blind_otter Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 I can be a foul person when I am approaching something I don't want to approach. Somewhat like your beau, upon saying goodbye to my lover for 7 weeks following a lovely 6 weeks together, I was in a foul mood. I pushed him away. I slammed my car door and sped away in a funk. I apologized the next day, but I was horrid to him when we said goodbye. He even came back for a brief visit before his flight left to re-goodbye with me because I realized I had f***ed it up. People react in strange ways to emotional turmoil. Just my 2 cents.
Author neverwilllearn Posted May 31, 2005 Author Posted May 31, 2005 I really like those last two posts ... I sure got my $500 worth with the great advice. Such great advice and wisdom. I will do exactly that. I won't reject his calls or emails. But we have no plan and I have no illusions. But at least now I will put some emotional closure by trying to believe that he was really the great guy that I knew, who sometimes couldn't deal with stressfull situations, and hopefully was just he bracing for the end on that flight. I feel better already. That's all I needed was to understand. And now I can say what a great time we had for all those months, smile about it and move on. "Now, see your friends. Go for coffee. Giggle. read a book. do something YOU like to do. It can be as subtle as cook and eat yuor favourite thing. do not wait or wallow or look at the deep end with longing. This is no time to swim. just paddle if you have to. enjoy the water for a while if you can" That was great advice and I think I can do that now .... and p.s... I have to be true to myself too, .. in reality I need someone who can express their emotions better ... bring on the passion baby .. beginning of trip, middle of trip and the end of the trip .. thx
Author neverwilllearn Posted July 9, 2005 Author Posted July 9, 2005 Update.. To make a long story short.. We met over a year ago on an international tour that would last one year with a small break inbetween around Christmas. The whole time before the break he said he had noone in his life.. that the women (and her 3 kids) that he lived with was an old girlfriend but they called it quits. We fall in love on tour. For personal and religious beliefs I did nothing intimate. Break comes. Then return to Tour.. He was still crazy about me and I gave up my "virginity". Together every day for Four months on last leg of tour even though I could feel something a little different than before .. but last two days he was so so different.. cold like.. like he didn't want anything to do with me... on last flight .. absolutely nothing .. not a touch ... nothing ... I was heartbroken .. I cried every day for weeks ... eventhough he started emailing me within 3 days of return. I was amicable .. Then about 2 or 3 weeks ago .. he emailed me that he had a confession ... He said that all he ever thought about was me and he wanted to be with me. And that he was so so sorry for the way he acted. I emailed him back saying that I was surprised to hear him say these things from the way he left me that he would even say that. He called me on the phone shortly after ... He apologized profusely saying that he was sorry, He said "I fell in love with you on the 1st part of the tour" Then he went on to tell me that "Honey, I am so so sorry but I lied to you on the second half of tour" "At the end of the tour.. me and "so so" were going to try to work it out, but now that I am back I can only think about you" "Hence, the reason for my coldness on the return... I just could not deal with all my emotions" "I cannot make love with "so & so" when you are the only one I love" All of this came out with out me saying a word or asking any whys. I was crying. I was so in love with this guy. so in love that I gave myself to him. And while he loved me, he had a secret agenda at the end of the tour to return to the her. So sad, because we told each other on the first part of the tour that we would Never lie to each other .. total honesty .. but he ended up and lied to me ... He knew so well that I would have never slept with him had I known he was in another relationship .. so he lied .. Now he wants to fly down here asap and spend the month together before he goes out on another tour. He said "What can I do for you to trust me again .. anything .. I'll do anything ... I'll go to church with you .. if you want to 'wait' until marriage.. so be it" First, I will tell you that sleeping with him is out of question. He said he has moved out and just wants to be with me... But how do I forgive and build up trust again???? We were never going to lie to each other and he did ... he hurt me.. and I was so good to him .. how can I trust again??
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