Why do I feel the need for other men beside my husband?

May 25, 2005

OK, so I have been married for 6 years, I met my husband when I was 17, we dated 5 years before we got married, we have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. My husband is the defination of sexy. He is a good friend, an awesome father, hard worker, but there is something missing.

I have Cheated on him with 4 different guys over the past 5 years and have had feels for only one of the other guys. But he is a TOTAL jerk, not very attractive, REALLY NOT NICE, this guy is the deffination of a player. Well, I met a dude on the computer and we have hung out a few times, He is a really nice guy, he has told me that he has feelings for me, he is kinda cute but very nice. I am so confused because last time we hung out we ended up making out for 3 hours, I come home to my husband and just want to cry. I have never felt like this when I have done this in the past.

Wow, writing this I sound like a total slut. I really do not know what to do.

Why am I feeling like I need to find other men?

Why am I all of a sudden feeling guilty?

What is my problem?

If you have any answers please let me know.

Thanks.

May 26, 2005

Have you discussed what you think you are missing with your husband? Don't beat yourself up over this. Dust yourself off, get to the root of the problem, stop cheating, and do the right thing - with your husband that is.

Why am I feeling like I need to find other men?

Maybe you guys need to spend more time together - maybe you feel like he just isn't "into" you now or maybe he is but he is not conveying it the right way. There could be a multitude of reasons, have a heart-to-heart with him.

Why am I all of a sudden feeling guilty?

You know deep down this is wrong. You would not want this done to you, just imagine yourself in his shoes for a minute. He is totally innocent and from the way you describe him he sounds like a nice guy - nice can be boring sometimes - find a way to spice things up a bit.

What is my problem?

Low-self esteem or poor self image perhaps? Do you feel that men validate your beauty, sexiness, or self-worth. If you do - you probably wouldn't feel that way if you heard how they talk about women after they use them up for sex.

HTH

May 26, 2005

First of all I see a big issue that you feel remorse after only sleeping with this one perticular guys. So I assume that if you didn't have these feelings that everything would be just fine.

Don't mean to judge but unless your husband condones the fact you are sleeping with other men, I think its a much bigger problem that this one perticular guy.

You have litterally cheated on your husand 5 times. an affair for almost every year you have been married.

So I think its time that you sat down and thought what is actually wrong in your marriage, and then speak to your husband about it. Just because he hasn't caught you and you normally don't have feelings for these other men does not make this right.

then of course if you both condone this type of behaviour, then why do you care that you have these feelings for the other man?

May 26, 2005

Originally posted by st8toftheheart
First of all I see a big issue that you feel remorse after only sleeping with this one perticular guys. So I assume that if you didn't have these feelings that everything would be just fine.

Don't mean to judge but unless your husband condones the fact you are sleeping with other men, I think its a much bigger problem that this one perticular guy.

You have litterally cheated on your husand 5 times. an affair for almost every year you have been married.

So I think its time that you sat down and thought what is actually wrong in your marriage, and then speak to your husband about it. Just because he hasn't caught you and you normally don't have feelings for these other men does not make this right.

then of course if you both condone this type of behaviour, then why do you care that you have these feelings for the other man?

THe new guy I have not slept with. I do not plan on it. I am trying to get things right with my husband. I dont know if it is a phase or if I am over my husband. If I was in his shes YES I would be devistated.

I know that I love my husband but I dont know if is curiosity, or lasck of experiences before I got married? I really do not know. I was just posting to get what others thought and if it has happened to anyone else.

Thanks for the replies.

May 26, 2005

Originally posted by prissymissy
OK, so I have been married for 6 years, I met my husband when I was 17, we dated 5 years before we got married, we have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. My husband is the defination of sexy. He is a good friend, an awesome father, hard worker, but there is something missing.

I have Cheated on him with 4 different guys over the past 5 years and have had feels for only one of the other guys. But he is a TOTAL jerk, not very attractive, REALLY NOT NICE, this guy is the deffination of a player. Well, I met a dude on the computer and we have hung out a few times, He is a really nice guy, he has told me that he has feelings for me, he is kinda cute but very nice. I am so confused because last time we hung out we ended up making out for 3 hours, I come home to my husband and just want to cry. I have never felt like this when I have done this in the past.

Wow, writing this I sound like a total slut. I really do not know what to do.

Why am I feeling like I need to find other men?

Why am I all of a sudden feeling guilty?

What is my problem?

If you have any answers please let me know.

Thanks.

Why are you all the sudden feeling guilty?

I don't know maybe because you're a bad wife and mother? Actually the real question should be why are3 you just now feeling guilty, you should of been feeling guity long ago.

What is my problem?

Where to begin, you have so many......You don't love your husband. You're selfish and think your personal short term wants are more important than his feelings. You're setting a horrible example for your kid. You don't seem to have any real remourse except for some guilt that just now started to creep in after 4 affairs.

Your husband deserves much better than you (stating the obvious). Why not do him a favor and leave him so he can find a real woman.

May 26, 2005

You're self-medicating with illicit sex. See a therapist to find out WHY.

May 26, 2005

Originally posted by Sal Paradise
Why are you all the sudden feeling guilty?

I don't know maybe because you're a bad wife and mother? Actually the real question should be why are3 you just now feeling guilty, you should of been feeling guity long ago.

What is my problem?

Where to begin, you have so many......You don't love your husband. You're selfish and think your personal short term wants are more important than his feelings. You're setting a horrible example for your kid. You don't seem to have any real remourse except for some guilt that just now started to creep in after 4 affairs.

Your husband deserves much better than you (stating the obvious). Why not do him a favor and leave him so he can find a real woman.

Actually, I am a good mother, what I do on my "own time" is not a reflection of what I do in the time that I spend with my daughter. She is a very bright smart young girl and because I have issues of my own WILL NOT REFLECT ON HER. I REFUSE FOR MY PERSONAL LIFE TO EFFECT HER IN ANY WAY.

I know what I did was wrong and that is why I have remourse about it. It was not really an affair at all, 3 of the 4 times. It was kinda like heres a few drinks out with the girls and a MISTAKE.

Thanks for the idea about leaving, that is an option that I am opened to, I just dont know if that is what I want. I do LOVE him and I LOVE my daughter. I just wish that life was easier.

May 26, 2005

Originally posted by prissymissy
Actually, I am a good mother, what I do on my "own time" is not a reflection of what I do in the time that I spend with my daughter. She is a very bright smart young girl and because I have issues of my own WILL NOT REFLECT ON HER. I REFUSE FOR MY PERSONAL LIFE TO EFFECT HER IN ANY WAY.

I know what I did was wrong and that is why I have remourse about it. It was not really an affair at all, 3 of the 4 times. It was kinda like heres a few drinks out with the girls and a MISTAKE.

Thanks for the idea about leaving, that is an option that I am opened to, I just dont know if that is what I want. I do LOVE him and I LOVE my daughter. I just wish that life was easier.

By easier you mean have your cake and eat it too. You're not gonna get that. Either you can be single and have lots of fun meaningless sex. Or you can have a meaningful long term relationship with a man that loves you.

And whether you choose to believe it or not, your personal life will effect her. Kids are much more perceptive than you would ever imagine. Ask yourself this......would you want you daughter treating a man that loves her this way? How would you feel if your daughter acted as you do? She WILL be EFFECTED by YOUR BEHAVIOR. How can you ever hope to teach your child responsibility if you have absolutely no clue what it is yourself? At some point this will all blow up in your face.

And alcohol is no excuse to cheat. And at this point you can't really call it a mistake, if it keeps happening over and over again it isn't a mistake, its a behavior pattern. If you have self control problems that occur when you drink then you shouldn't drink. More than likely you're just using the alcohol as an excuse to behave the way you want to behave when you're sober. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So the first thing you should do is quit the drinking, you're obviously too weak and immature to handle it.

If you really love your husband you would tell him everything and leave him for his own good. You'd be doing him a major favor. There are plenty of wonderful women out there who will make much better wives for him (of course compared to you thats not saying a whole lot).

May 26, 2005

"Why am I feeling the need to find other men?"

Perhaps it stems from childhood. Maybe your father wasn't there for you as much. Or maybe something happened to you as a child.

"Why am I all of a sudden feeling guilty?"

Maybe its catching up with you, the cheating you have done. It means you have a conscience.

"What is my problem?"

You need to get into some counseling so a professional can help you deal with anything from your past that might be spilling over into your adulthood.

Jade

May 26, 2005

Originally posted by prissymissy
I know that I love my husband but I dont know if is curiosity, or lasck of experiences before I got married? I really do not know. I was just posting to get what others thought and if it has happened to anyone else.

Thanks for the replies.

Well then if you truly love yoru husband, then I would stop focusing on why you have feelings for this other man, and focus on what you can do to bring back the spark to your marriage.

Everyone has some though of what would have been if they had not gotten married, if they played the field alittle longer and mis opprotunities.

The bottom line is, what could of have been is no longer relavant when you have made a commitment like getting married.

If you want to explore the world, and that is where your heart truly lies, then do both you and your husband a favour and end it.

But if you truly love him like you say then you owe to both him and yourself to find out what these issue are that drive you to other men, and stop actually going to other men.

Everyone has attractions to others even after they are married, the difference is acting upon those attractions.

Good luck to you.

May 26, 2005

Good mothers arent "good mothers" just because they cook, clean, wipe mouths, teach kids how to ride a bike,..or any of the many fun things mothers do for their kids. A HUUUUUUUGE part of what makes them a good mother is the way they CARRY THEMSELVES. By sleeping with other men behind your husband and your childs (yes your childs back too) you are being an awful mother. Im sorry, but thats true. You may argue that your child really thinks the world of you and loves you dearly. Well,...thats because you havent TOLD your child what you are up to. You have another man for every year you have been married. In the words of Rodney Dangerfield "When you said 'I do',....I should have asked..........with who??" Marriage isnt your gig. Thats obvious. How about instead of you destroying your family,....you stop being so selfish and just divorce your husband instead of making a fool out of him and your child? And uh,...by the way,....you posted " I met this DUDE,..online, .......hes really nice....................hes really cute........." How old are you???????????????!!!!!???? Thats sounds like the post of a freshman in high school. YOU ARE MARRIED. Think about it.........how NICE is this guy, really? He wants to bang a married woman who has a child. Yeah,.............this guy is a freakin saint.

May 26, 2005

Originally posted by scarlyjones
And uh,...by the way,....you posted " I met this DUDE,..online, .......hes really nice....................hes really cute........." How old are you???????????????!!!!!???? Thats sounds like the post of a freshman in high school. YOU ARE MARRIED. Think about it.........how NICE is this guy, really? He wants to bang a married woman who has a child. Yeah,.............this guy is a freakin saint.

Sometimes I think people come into these site looking for absolution or blessing more than advice. I have seen a number of post that a alarming like.

I cheat on my husband, now he won't cum when I gibe him a BJ

I'm going to have an affair why do I feel guilty.

or

Why is my boyfriend upset that my ex boyfriend is sleeping over in the same bed with me?

I think its time we ressurected that well known super hero "Mr Obvious"

May 26, 2005

I've heard that there is some personality disorder (gosh I wish I could remember what it's called!!! ) that makes you more promiscuous. It also makes you not feel remorse...you sound like a classic case to me.

You really should see a doctor.

May 26, 2005

Borderline Personality Disorder:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm

"People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). "

May 26, 2005

Communicate ALL thoughts to your husband. If you're not sure if you love him or want to be married to him, then TOGETHER get to marriage councilling and DO something about it.

You got married too young maybe, I don't know...But right now you're not behaving like a married woman nor living up to the vows you took.

Stop flirting and wanting the attention from these OM, and focus that energy INTO your husband and your marriage. Give it a chance to work. If you try your best and you still feel out of love for your H, then end the marriage and allow him to find somebody else who will love him and treat him the way he deserves to be treated.

Good luck.

May 26, 2005

You don't sound like a slut, but you sound like a serial cheater which you are. I think it's your poor self-control and lack of love for your husband that made you cheat on him. If you have cheated and don't regret it then you don't love him. It's unfair to him and you should divorce first then sleep with other men. You live in a lie.

May 26, 2005

I can't believe how nice everyone has been.

In my opinion you're already screwed. You say you love your husband and family but you're inconsiderate enough to go out and pump some stranger when your drunk and then pass it off as a mistake? Get a life, this is pure selfish cheating. Have you considered what std's or other peril this could cause your family?

Just you thinking about this is taking away time from your family.

I love the way you use the term mistake. I was drunk and out in the parking lot blowing some guy, boy what a mistake that was, lol... Get a life.

So if you get drunk enough to go out and sleep with people, what's gonna stop you from getting drunk enough to blurt out to you husband that you've been using him and lying to him? I mean, come on, it certainly would take more alcohol to do what you've been doing then to let a little secret slip out to someone you love wouldn't it? Hmm, I guess it depends on what you really want to happen doesn't it?

Alcohol is a **** excuse because I'll bet that you'd *never* get drunk enough to tell your husband how you've been cheating and lying to him but you'll certainly use it as an excuse to be slut.

What I really wondering is how your husband is going to react WHEN he finds out?

He will find out eventually. I'm sure he'll be very happy.

May 26, 2005

Children learn a lot about relationships and how they work based on their parent's relationship. You may think it's just YOUR PERSONAL life, but that's far from the truth

You're not doing your daughter any favors by acting like this. You're an adult, start behaving like one. Is the 'WHY' really more important than the 'WHAT'.

Sure, what you're feeling isn't much different at all from almost all married persons, curiousity, the other side of the fence etc. But it's ADULTS who know better. People don't accidently fall over and slip their genitals into someone else.

Originally posted by prissymissy
Actually, I am a good mother, what I do on my "own time" is not a reflection of what I do in the time that I spend with my daughter. She is a very bright smart young girl and because I have issues of my own WILL NOT REFLECT ON HER. I REFUSE FOR MY PERSONAL LIFE TO EFFECT HER IN ANY WAY.

I know what I did was wrong and that is why I have remourse about it. It was not really an affair at all, 3 of the 4 times. It was kinda like heres a few drinks out with the girls and a MISTAKE.

Thanks for the idea about leaving, that is an option that I am opened to, I just dont know if that is what I want. I do LOVE him and I LOVE my daughter. I just wish that life was easier.

May 26, 2005

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May 26, 2005

Originally posted by Jeffrey
But it's ADULTS who know better. People don't accidently fall over and slip their genitals into someone else.

Im sorry but that was totally funny!.........

Children can sense ALOT. The very fact that you felt you had to post your question in here proves you feel ashamed and upset about this whole thing. You dont think your child can pick up on this even through your fake smile? Ive got news for you...............

May 26, 2005

Originally posted by Monday
Borderline Personality Disorder:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm

"People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). "

I appreciate the information, that is why I posted the question to see if there was a reason behind my actions. Your truly helped.

Take Care,

May 26, 2005

To the people asking my age, I am 29. Sorry if I am from the Coast, and have a tendency to use "beach slang".

To the person asking about STD, I am safe, and I get tested.

And to the one saying it is pure selfish cheating, yeah it is and I had questions about it and I got an answer that is prob. true.

Thank you EVERYONE for all of your KIND advice

May 26, 2005

Originally posted by prissymissy
To the people asking my age, I am 29. Sorry if I am from the Coast, and have a tendency to use "beach slang".

To the person asking about STD, I am safe, and I get tested.

And to the one saying it is pure selfish cheating, yeah it is and I had questions about it and I got an answer that is prob. true.

Thank you EVERYONE for all of your KIND advice

Just because you "get tested" doesn't mean one of these days you're not going to turn up with a non-curable STD like HIV or Herpes or Genital warts or even Hepatitis B. What are you going to feel like, and do, if one day you get tested and find out you 'caught something' but then have to remember that you slept with your husband several times within the preceeding 6wks? How are you going to feel knowing there's a good chance you "gave" your innocent husband a gift that will never go away? You're willing to take that risk and have such utter disrespect for the man you vowed your life and love to, that you had your daughter with................that you're willing to jeopardize his health?

You certainly sound a lot younger than 29 (maybe it's the poor spelling, too).

Why are you on the internet looking to meet guys? Don't you have any self respect or self control?

You don't even know anything about these dudes you meet/hook up with.....they could be rapists, psychos, HIV+, potential stalkers, you name it.

You owe it to your DAUGHTER to be treating her FATHER (your husband) with proper LOVE and RESPECT and LOYALTY and FIDELITY...so the more you cheat and play around, yes..you are disrespecting your daughter.

May 27, 2005

Theres too many posts there to read through, so I'm just gonna jump right in here and say that I'm in a similiar situation. I've not cheated physically, but sometimes what you do in your mind can be just as bad. Allow me to tell you a story, everyone listen up.

Unlike you I haven't been married nearly that long. Its just been over a year for me. My husband and I didn't date for years before getting married. Infact we knew each other a month offline and almost 2 years online. We rushed things, but we were best friends, had so much in common, and everything was perfect. He took me and my daughter into his life, and loved us and cared for us. And I was happy.

I've cheated on people in the past, but I swore I'd never cheat on my husband, and so far I've kept that promise. But I do have feeling for other people. I'm going through a really rough time in my marriage. We fight a lot, he seems to enjoy the company of his computer rather than me. He either doesn't realise we have problems, or he just doesn't care. When I ask him if it bothers him that we may be headed for divorce, he says he doesn't know.

I know he loves me though. Hes told me so many times that he just wants me to be happy, even if its not with him. I'm currently in love with a good friend of mine. A friend we recently had come and stay a week with us. Hes more of a friend than my husband is, he doesn't neglect me or ignore me. Hes someone I can really hang out with and have fun with. But I can't leave my husband. I love him, despite all the bad things.

Now, the biggest difference here is that you've actually cheated and I haven't. But is there a chance you have my problem; You love your husband but you feel trapped. I waited my whole life to get married, this was all I ever wanted. But I know that being tied down is not for me. I'm gonna stick it out though, miserable or not because I don't believe in divorce unless you're in a life threatening situation. And simply being bored or feeling for other people is NOT grounds for a divorce. Marriage is meant to be forever, come hell or high water, and I plan on following through with that.

Now, my advice to you is to talk to your husband. Perhaps you could have an open relationship. Its been suggested to me, but I'm a hypocrite, and while I have feelings for others, the thought of my husband with anyone but me makes me very jealous and depressed. So I have no solution to my problem. But if I were you I'd consider how you both feel about open relationships. If you really love him, then ignore the bad replies about getting divorced and try to work things out with him. You can't stop feeling for other people. You don't control your feelings. I've always said you don't choose love, it chooses you. But you can try to stop cheating. Its hard, believe me I know, but it can be done.

May 27, 2005

Originally posted by prissymissy
To the people asking my age, I am 29. Sorry if I am from the Coast, and have a tendency to use "beach slang".

To the person asking about STD, I am safe, and I get tested.

And to the one saying it is pure selfish cheating, yeah it is and I had questions about it and I got an answer that is prob. true.

Thank you EVERYONE for all of your KIND advice

You came for advice and got great advice so the problem isn't the advice you got. The problem is you're still in denial about the severity of your behavior and the long term effects it will have on your family.

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