Typical, get your ex back - first post, lost all other options.

[CP4242]

Ok - so this is going to be a long post, and I do apologize for any grammatical errors beforehand.

 

So where to start....I am 25 now, but my ex, we will call her...Sheila and I met when we were the age of around 18-19. We both worked at the same restaurant. She claims that she liked me the first time that she laid eyes on me. For a while, I was the typical douche-bag young male, immature and didnt really know what I wanted with life, making a crap ton of money and just trying to "F**k" everything that came my way. She proceeded to make relations with a few other people that we worked with, nothing to serious but she was young too. Every time that we had a party we would go home with each other, she tried for about 2 years to get me to finally want and date her. Little did I know she was going to break me down and really teach me who I really was. During these few years we would text each other and argue, I never really came to the realization that I deep down, really liked her as a person and as a potential lover. We both have extreme personalities and love to drink so that only would escalate our "stubbornness" as young adults. Around the age of 21 she FINALLY let me have sex with her, shes not one that just gives it up that easy, and I finally came to the conclusion that this is somebody that I could see myself dating for a long time. She really believed in me, knew that I was a better person then the way that I was acting and really taught me that I could be something special. For a brief explanation of the beginning I think that covers the basics to begin with, as there is not really anything thats too extreme that happened to begin with.

 

year 1-2 age 21 (these are extimates in the time of our relationship, because i cant remember too well when they EXACTLY happened.) We started dating and everything was great, wed spend time together almost every waking chance, go out drinking, by that time we were both out of the resturant that we worked in. My first f((k up came with facebook. I would message girls from time to time, and take to them via facebook chat. She eventually caught wind, got extremely upset and proceeded to give me a second chance because she really knew that I was better than that(and I really like to think I am). I think I have a problem with success or the fact of being....loved? I continually sabotage myself and my most important relationships with the people around me by either pushing them away or doing things to hurt them. I think I secretly love being depressed. Well, anyway I become very emotionally involved with her for about a year and a half, and she starts second guessing herself if this was the right thing for her or not. I would write her songs on the piano, sing them to her, write her poems to express my love and try to do everything humanly possible to show her that I loved her more than life itself. Meanwhile (having a slightttt problem with alcohol), I get my first DUI shortly after my 22st birthday in March. Move closer to December of that year, she quits talking to me, needing space. I cant honor that because I havent felt that way about somebody ever in my life, I would obsess, she got a new job as a bartender at a place by her house, I would go up there and try and visit. For that Christmas, I made her a scrapbook of everything weve done, festivals we have been too, pictures of the places I have taken her too on vacation. I attempt to bring it to her at her job, I know horrible idea, she calls her mom, her mom takes it and says shes going to give it to her, and I left without her saying one word to me. I couldnt take it, Im a selfish ******* that couldnt realize that I needed to give her a month or so to think about things. I come up the day before new years eve, absolutly plastered out of my mind and follow her in my shilly as$ car and find the cops behind me, them chasing me, I find that the only way out of this was to crash my car, as I had to work the next day. I figured Id rather go to the hospital than go to jail. Making this part short, I acted like my back was hurt, her mom told her to put a restraining order on me I went to the hospital with my second DUI in 9 months and then got pink slipped because I told the doctors I purposely crashed my car. I wasnt trying to commit suicide but they didnt understand.

 

Year 3-4. I cant talk to her, I cant call her I can text her. One day around my birthday in March she texts me, just the name of this local 24 hour coffee shop, we meet up, and hug and I apologize and am euphoric that shes meeting me, as I wrote her plenty of emails hoping that she saw them without throwing me to the cops. (I know im being vague I am just trying to fit everything in as its hard to remember every single detail). I proceed to do the same stupid things, That year for the summer after getting back together with her, as punishment for my 2nd DUI I received 6 months of House arrest over the whole entire summer. This drove me to insanity, I almost would of rather taken the time in jail. She meanwhile tears her MCL and has surgery so she cant drive. I am going insane in my house not being able to do ANYthing and I look up some ( i know f-ing retarded) some excorts on backpage to get my "rocks off." She had access to my email. I know this is crazy, but I didnt want them to come over, I just needed something to occupy my time. Too this day I am still making excuses for myself. I am an idiot. Anyway, she gives me another chance after plenty of my begging. Meanwhile, I try to justify everything Ive done by taking her on lavish expensive vacations that we have fun on and super nice dinners(we LOVE dining out). A few months in advance....we make love. A very intense love that involved both of us crying afterwards because we felt such a deep emotion afterwards. She gets pregnant. I am extremely supportive and tell her that whatever she wants to do is her choice and I will support her either way. She decides after a lot of thought to go through with the abortion. The abortion was tough, I was blamed for it happening, her emotions were going crazy. ANd what made it worse that when she went to get the operation done I couldnt be there because I was on house arrest. She found out at the operation that we were going to have twins.....Actually now that I think about this, this incident happened before my stupid f-ing idea to email a prostitute. The next following year or so, Im pretty sure I was caught multiple times texting other woman, god I sound like such an A-hole.

 

This year, we go to Denver at the beginning of march for my birthday, for about a week. Everything was great the following weeks until about the end of April, she lied to me about having to work one day, and I used to go on rampages for her "little" white lies trying to cover up ground for all the stupid ***** I used to do. I would get Jealous a lot, a sign of somebody whos too insecure to realize that its usually them whos the one thats messing up. Well anyway, she had to call off work that day because one of her high school friends died in a car accident. I looked at the negatives, "oh was your ex boyfriend there?" thats all I could say? This day that I wasnt supportive of her was really the turning point this year. This whole entire past summer, while we have met up a few times, was the dagger in my relationship with her. I talked to her everyday, but it was known that she didnt want to be with me anymore. We texted all the time still, would meet up and occasionally have sex. Up until about halloween we were still talking about everyday. She shows up to the same halloween party that I am at with a new guy, this guy is a bartender that we would go see at his bar. I freak out a little bit, being late in the night and her showing up late I was already pretty drunk. After that night we stopped talking everyday. I call constantly trying to get a hold of her, leaving voicemails of the dying love that I have for her. We have talked on the phone about 3 times in the past two weeks. I should note. That this new guy of hers is a womanizer, has already lied to her about his profession and is more than likely going to get bored, but not the reason being that shes boring. I talked to her today for about an hour. I explained everything that I have recently started doing since realizing that I have lost her forever.

 

My love for her is going to last forever, the things that, that woman has done for me and the way shes made me feel is past words that I can explain with. Right now, I am drawing blanks, I think about my f-ups constantly and what I could have done, what I shouldve done and what I wouldve done. I could probably sit here for hours and tell you how I feel about her. I have since quit drinking, smoking cigarettes, started working out, and been focusing back on making music(my passion), and also seeking help. All things that shes wanted me to do for the longest time. I have always told her I was going to change, but being selfish I would get to the point of convincing her then going back to my old bad habits. I know that after years of betrayal it is going to take me years and year and years of constant positive thinking and focus on myself to prove to her that I have changed but now I am dedicated. Its true the saying that once you loose somebody you realize how special they were to you. I am being very broad in all these explanations and my grammar is horrible, but this is a sort of last ditch effort to seek some advice on what I can do to get her back in my life. The phone conversation today was positive. I was able to explain myself thoroughly without coming off too strong and throwing the new guy under the bus, explaining that what we've felt with each other she'll never get again. She agreed, as much as she didn't want too. I hope somebody can give me some advice. I am just sort of ranting. But, I guess at least I got to write down my feelings. If anybody has any questions about my relationship please ask, as in its hard to put 6 years in a few paragraphs. Here is a letter that I have recently wrote her....albeit a bit extreme and emotional, that's just how I am. I am trying to come up with a way to give it to her, too much to go to her work and put it under her windshield wiper? too subtle to send it to her via mail, not knowing if shell ever get it? send it with flowers?

 

"I have received all your thoughts but none has made me such an impression as the last. How, my beloved, can you do to me like that?

Oh, my adorably "sheila!" I don't know what fate has in store for me, but if it keeps me apart from you any longer, it will be unbearable! My courage is not enough for that.

But, now, to die not loved by you, to die without knowing, would be the torment of Hell, the living image of utter desolation, I feel I am suffocation. The day I lost your heart was the day nature lost warmth and life for me.

Don't you think my position is cruel enough, without adding to my sorrows and crushing my spirit?

What a style! What feelings you show. They are fire, and they burn my poor heart.

My one and only "sheila" apart from you there is no joy, away from you, the world is a desert where I am alone and cannot open my heart.

When I am ready to curse being alive, I pat my hand on my heart; your portrait hangs there, I look at its presence, and its love brings me perfect happiness, and all is milling except the time I must spend away from my love.

I try to come near you. Fool! I don't notice I am just going further away. How many cities must separate us.

How long before you read these words, this horrible expression of a captive soul where you are queen?

I stop, sweet Sheila; my soul is sad, my body tired, and my spirit oppressed. Dont be frightened, love me like your eyes, but that is not enough; like yourself, more than yourself, than your thoughts, your life all of you. Forgive me, dear love, I am ranting.

Goodbye! I shall go to bed without you, sleep without you, let me sleep, I beg you, For several nights, I have felt you in my arms, a happy dream, but it is not you.

To live for Sheila, that is the history of my life I long for.

 

P.S I know deep in my heart that this new guy wont last, thats not what I am worried about. I dont even worry about him really, although she walked by my work last week with him, saying she forgot that the place they were going was past my joint. I mean...come on, I was about to loose my sh!@, but whatever. I know I pretty much sound like a selfish as$hole throughout this whole entire post, but please keep in mind that, every relationship is different and while we had some SUPER lows, we also had some SUPER SUPER highs. I love her more than life itself, now what can I do to make this work?

[CP4242]

*bump* (sorry mods!)

[LoveIsMyReligion]

So this is one of those times where you thank your ex for changing you for the better and move on.

 

There's so much drama and crazy that's happened between you guys that even if you did end up back together after a little while it would all resurface and create another **** storm.

 

I had a 5 year relationship end. It was messy, albeit not as messy as yours. Keep working on yourself and leave that girl alone. Put your wants/needs on the back-burner for once and let her be happy.

[Qboro90]

Jeez.... What can you do? 1. Start by burning that letter you intended to give her because that's the worst idea you could have. 2. Stop contacting her or trying to get her back. You've dug yourself a hole that just isn't possible to climb out of. Time to start realizing that you can't always get what you want in this world and that this girl deserves time away from you.

 

Don't call, see, contact her for a year. If this time next year you have your **** together then you can think about reaching out to see how she's been. Other than that, it's over.

[CP4242]

So is that letter really that bad?

 

I know. Crap, I guess youre right, Qboro.

 

 

Well I know she still loves me...?

Ah, I am just making excuses for myself. After our phone conversation a couple of days ago she said to call her sometime this week, is that something you would do Qboro, or should I really just call it quits and give it a year...a year seems like an eternity.

[Haydn]

Don`t send that.

 

You can go down the road that quite a lot of us did here. (making loads of mistakes)

 

It will bring more misery. Go NC. Everything social media, phone numbers. Everything.

 

Disappear. Not in a vain hope to get her back but to get yourself back.

 

Feels absolutely terrible (I know)

 

This will change even if you cannot see this now. But you have to make a start. You will slip up a few times but you will learn to control it.

 

Push on and good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

Wow, no, don't send that letter.

 

Focus on getting yourself emotionally and physically healthy. Do some deep soul-searching to ask yourself why you mistreated her and went behind her back. You need to really figure out why you push people away and hurt them intentionally or you will never be able to have a healthy relationship. You said you are seeking help - in what capacity?

 

I think this relationship has been over a long time. Respect her choice to move on and let her go. You two don't work together.

[CP4242]

I mean I guess I just dont understand the concept of going no contact....how would that help my situation out, if what I am actually trying to do is ultimately in the long run, get back together with her?

[CP4242]

I am seeking help from the same psychologist that I was court ordered to see during my second DUI....this time I am actually going to try, instead of letting my pride get in the way. I feel as if that letter was pretty well written, but I guess it is a bit extreme.

[Haydn]

I mean I guess I just dont understand the concept of going no contact....how would that help my situation out, if what I am actually trying to do is ultimately in the long run, get back together with her?

 

You have to forget about getting her back.

 

You will annoy her and her view of you will be pity and probably scorn in the long run.

 

Read the number of NO CONTACT guides here.

 

Respect her decision as pointed out by `Expatinitaly`

 

Now respect yourself by removing yourself from this.

[CP4242]

So I guess I am fishing but theres no way to talk to her without coming off as too strong?

[ExpatInItaly]

So I guess I am fishing but theres no way to talk to her without coming off as too strong?

 

Not really, no.

 

She is with someone else now. Despite what you think of him or their relationship, you need to show her you at least respect her by respecting her choice to move on. It's not fun, but you can't always get what you want. I don't know how much clearer a message she can send you without being very blunt with you.

 

No Contact isn't meant to help get her back. It's meant to help you move on too. This situation is far beyond unhealthy for both of you.

[CP4242]

I do have to admit I think your name is pretty clever. But I just read the guide for NC. I guess I will give it a shot, I mean at this point I really dont have a choice. So if she contacts me I should just not reply? Seems so backwards to me ):

[qubist]

I do have to admit I think your name is pretty clever. But I just read the guide for NC. I guess I will give it a shot, I mean at this point I really dont have a choice. So if she contacts me I should just not reply? Seems so backwards to me ):

you will be fine if you continue to work on yourself. I know you are confused and fear that you won't find that love and happiness anymore, think about all the missed opportunities and try to take motivation from your past to be the best you can be. The only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. do not waste energy chasing her, she was burnt many times and she is being wise now, she needs to see a lot more that a love letters and promises to forgive you. If she was here in this forum asking for advises everyone here would ask her to run away from you. and that's probably the kind of advises she is getting from her family and friends.

You asked the purpose of a NC, in your case if you can't control your emotions you will never focus on your self improvement. she needs time and space and you will just exhaust yourself and end up ruining your recovery. you started working on yourself which is good but it should be for you not just to show her that you changed. you gotta put her aside for now and put yourself in a position to be the a better man.

you may be able to keep some sort of contact as long as it doesn't affect your mood, but do not chase her.

[CP4242]

Ok thanks that does help out a lot. Just out of curiosity...from a womens perspective, what exactly does one thing when they have somebody that is "chasing them?" I guess its easy for one to slip into the Hollywood dream of romance, although I am more of a Shakespeare romantic. It is hard to refrain from calling even if she told me to call her this week. Thanksgiving, her birthday, Christmas and new years eve is coming up, if I make it through all of this without calling her once, I should end up okay right?

[ExpatInItaly]

Ok thanks that does help out a lot. Just out of curiosity...from a womens perspective, what exactly does one thing when they have somebody that is "chasing them?" I guess its easy for one to slip into the Hollywood dream of romance, although I am more of a Shakespeare romantic. It is hard to refrain from calling even if she told me to call her this week. Thanksgiving, her birthday, Christmas and new years eve is coming up, if I make it through all of this without calling her once, I should end up okay right?

 

I'm a woman. And it totally depends on the man and why it ended.

 

My first serious ex chased me when we broke up, and it honestly just irritated me and made me feel bad for him. My feelings for him had changed so much that the chasing didn't have any effect.

 

Another ex and I did this back-and-forth a bit, then after some low-contact we both met other people. His relationship didn't last but he came sniffing back around and I had already moved on to someone else.

 

So in short, both times I would say I was "chased" ended the same way - we stayed broken up.

[Qboro90]

Ok thanks that does help out a lot. Just out of curiosity...from a womens perspective, what exactly does one thing when they have somebody that is "chasing them?" I guess its easy for one to slip into the Hollywood dream of romance, although I am more of a Shakespeare romantic. It is hard to refrain from calling even if she told me to call her this week. Thanksgiving, her birthday, Christmas and new years eve is coming up, if I make it through all of this without calling her once, I should end up okay right?

 

Your ex is seeing someone else at the moment correct? If she texted you tomorrow and said "hey what's up, call me later" and you obliged and just bs'd about what each of you did over the weekend then what does that accomplish? You think you're staying in her life and slowly winning her over. However it's exactly the opposite. When you contact her or she texts you and you jump to reply it's just re affirming to her that you're not going anywhere and there's no sense of urgency on her part needed. She knows you're hung up on her, she knows you know you screwed up so she can continue dating whoever she wants, and living her life without worrying about you finding someone else or moving on.

 

And to be honest, she's totally entitled to do so and do what she wants after all you put her through. Throughout your relationship with her it was just one screw up after another on your part. It sounds like in your head you're a decent guy however at this point, the actions have become to much for her to continue to think that you are a good guy and the right one for her long term.

 

Maybe you should show her that you are actually maturing by vocalizing the fact that "you will always love her and she means more to you than anyone, however you realize you put her through way too much with your immaturity and as much as it hurts you, you want to give her the chance to experience life on her own while you build a set of goals for yourself and also prove that you're able to achieve them. You're here if she ever needs you but think it's best to take time away from regular contact in order to become the man that she saw inside of you, this time however you need to do that on your own."

 

Telling her that is the first step towards flipping the script so she has some respect for you. Sending her a sob letter about how you dream about her lips is just high school sucker stuff and is going to make her roll her eyes at your desperation. Take this chance to be an adult for once.

 

Just because you want her back doesn't mean you should work on ways to finagle your way back into her life right now. You haven't changed yet and she deserves better. Separate yourself from her until you can function successfully without her in your life. That's the only way to properly function as a couple. Right now you depend on her for happiness and self worth. It'll never work out until you're fine without her.

[CP4242]

So in short, both times I would say I was "chased" ended the same way - we stayed broken up.

 

Mmhm interesting.....

 

@Qboro I really do appreciate your insight, I never though coming to a site like this would really help, but you put it in perspective for me. I guess its time to grow up for once and realize that I cant always get want I want . Though, I think its part of my psyche to want to control everything in my life and I think thats just part of being a man. Its hard sometimes to realize that something is out of your reach and you cant do anything about it anymore besides just let it go for the time being. I mean I obviously miss talking to her, and having a connection with her, but the hardest part is knowing that before I had control of the situation(not like control of her), but I had control of my destiny beforehand. When I had that responsibility before I did nothing but throw it in on the ground and step on it. Theres gotta be a reason I continually decide to do absolutely dumba** things to sabotage myself?

[CP4242]

So while doing some google searches on NC, I have came up with mixed reviews. I am afraid if I go too long shell fall into getting used to life without me, How long should I go through no contact. I know I am being selfish saying that I want her back, but what else am I supposed to do? throw in the white towel after all these years just because we arent together now? I know deep down, although she might not admit it now, that shes still in love with me albeit maybe a bit skewed since of all the harm I have done. I know I did this to myself, and I know she deserves time away from me and space, but how do I go about this without ruining my chances in the long run. Is this a typical response from somebody whos messed up in a relationship? Refusing to acknowledge that I just need time away to fix myself, while not denying that I need to do that, I feel as if I need a way to reach out without feeling over needy to let her know I am still there so she wont forget about me. Maybe I am just worrying to much and should just let the cards fall where they may. I love this girl so god dmmm much I dont know what to do with myself.

[Itspointless]

Sometimes the greatest act of love is leaving people so they can live their life's. There has happened to much between you two. Give her a chance to build a new beginning without you and let her make her mistakes.

 

You need to continue to work on yourself and your fear of love, as that is what all that sabotaging means.

 

Take care.

[BC1980]

So while doing some google searches on NC, I have came up with mixed reviews. I am afraid if I go too long shell fall into getting used to life without me, How long should I go through no contact. I know I am being selfish saying that I want her back, but what else am I supposed to do? throw in the white towel after all these years just because we arent together now? I know deep down, although she might not admit it now, that shes still in love with me albeit maybe a bit skewed since of all the harm I have done. I know I did this to myself, and I know she deserves time away from me and space, but how do I go about this without ruining my chances in the long run. Is this a typical response from somebody whos messed up in a relationship? Refusing to acknowledge that I just need time away to fix myself, while not denying that I need to do that, I feel as if I need a way to reach out without feeling over needy to let her know I am still there so she wont forget about me. Maybe I am just worrying to much and should just let the cards fall where they may. I love this girl so god dmmm much I dont know what to do with myself.

 

1. She threw in the towel, so there is nothing you can do. A relationship is a two way street. Right now, you are the only one concerned about the relationship.

 

2. You have no idea if she still loves you or not. She has a right to walk away, and you have no idea how she feels. She knows herself better than you do. She doesn't need you to tell her how she feels. You are not necessary to her life in any way, and she has a mind of her own.

 

3. Why does she need to acknowledge that you need time away to fix yourself? Because you are no longer in a relationship, working on yourself is a personal decision. She is not obligated to allow you go away and fix yourself.

 

This woman has made it clear that she is not interested in having a relationship with you, and she is under no obligation to continue any type of relationship. We all have free will and can walk away at any time. We all have our conditions upon which we will leave. You are projecting the way you feel onto her.

[BC1980]

So while doing some google searches on NC, I have came up with mixed reviews. I am afraid if I go too long shell fall into getting used to life without me, How long should I go through no contact.

 

Interesting enough, she wants to get used to life without you. If you contact her, you are reaffirming her decision to walk away. If you can't respect her decision to walk away, then you make it clear you are only concerned with your feelings and don't respect her decision. I can tell you that is the most unattractive thing in the world to most anyone. Not respecting my decision and boundaries would drive me away very quickly.

 

Like it or not, she has decided that she does not want you in her life. I understand how painful that can be, but there is nothing you can do to change it.

[CP4242]

3. Why does she need to acknowledge that you need time away to fix yourself? Because you are no longer in a relationship, working on yourself is a personal decision. She is not obligated to allow you go away and fix yourself.

 

This woman has made it clear that she is not interested in having a relationship with you, and she is under no obligation to continue any type of relationship. We all have free will and can walk away at any time. We all have our conditions upon which we will leave. You are projecting the way you feel onto her.

 

No I didnt mean it like she needs to acknowledge that i need time away to fix myself, I was sort of answering my already rhetorical question from beforehand - Is this a typical response from somebody whos messed up in a relationship? And I dont feel as if I am projecting my feelings onto her at all, I know how she feels and I know the things weve been through. While I do appreciate your help and insight I do think you are jumping to conclusions about me just a bit. But whatever, I love her more than anything else in the world, I know that what I feel know isnt just some high school romantic feeling, this is for real.

[Blanco]

In situations like this, your feelings about her are inconsequential. You need two to tango, and while she may still have feelings for you, it sounds like she's been burned by your behavior multiple times.

 

I've learned that when a self-respecting woman is fed up, she's done. In these cases, all that you've been through is actually part of the reason why she's done for good.

 

You're only going to make things worse for yourself and her if you don't give her space. It sounds like you've put this woman through a lot. Don't add to it by letting your feelings and wants guide what you do or don't do to her at this point.

[ExpatInItaly]

No I didnt mean it like she needs to acknowledge that i need time away to fix myself, I was sort of answering my already rhetorical question from beforehand - Is this a typical response from somebody whos messed up in a relationship? And I dont feel as if I am projecting my feelings onto her at all, I know how she feels and I know the things weve been through. While I do appreciate your help and insight I do think you are jumping to conclusions about me just a bit. But whatever, I love her more than anything else in the world, I know that what I feel know isnt just some high school romantic feeling, this is for real.

 

For you. She apparently doesn't agree anymore. You just haven't yet accepted that she is already moving on. She has already thrown in the towel.

 

With all due respect, you don't appear to grasp what No Contact is for. It's not a device to get someone back. It's a strategy to help you move on with your life. There's no set length of time to keep up No Contact. You just maintain it as long as you need to help you close that chapter.