seriouslysaddened Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 This is long but please bear with me... Feeling kind of lost right now and could use some advice. It's been almost two months since my boyfriend of one year and I broke up. For the most part it was mutual, but it's more complicated than that, as most relationships are. Some days I'm sure it's for the best, other days I miss him and almost can’t bear the pain! I know I’ve always been a very emotional person and I get really attached…but if it’s the right thing for us, should it hurt this much? We had our tiffs like any couple but I always thought we had something good. I didn’t know what the future held but I saw something long-term. When we first dated it was easy to ignore what might happen later…as I was graduating and he had a couple of years left, including an internship away, and then grad school who knows where. We always said we would cross that bridge when we came to it. The breakup came pretty unexpectedly. When he went home for spring break, he started being distant on the phone and almost mean to me, like he didn’t want to talk to me. I sensed something was wrong and couldn’t get through to him. Finally I said what is it, am I boring or too depressing to talk to? Tell me! He said yes, both! Frankly sometimes you’re just drab. My feelings were extremely hurt. After all, as my boyfriend he was one of the few people whose opinions really mattered to me. He said he didn’t understand why I was hurt and he sounded like he couldn’t give two ****s. He didn’t have to understand, but he did have to care that he hurt me. I cried myself to sleep. Who was this person? The next day I vowed to confront him. If he loved me how could he hurt my feelings and not care? But when I got home I saw that he was breaking up with me over IM because it would be too painful for him in person and he could never collect his thoughts. He gave me many reasons. “I’m only 20, I’m not ready for this kind of commitment. I still hate talking to you on the phone when you’re upset and I find it hard to take interest in things you do sometimes. That means I’m not ready. If I stay with you, I know I’ll make the wrong decisions for myself with grad school, my career. Schools enough to worry about right now, and even if I did have time for you, something’s missing. It’s nice but not different. Don’t try and change my mind. I do love you but we’re at different places…you freaked me out when you mentioned moving with me. You depend on me way too much and use me as a crutch.” I was devastated but tried to accept it. He was the only one I’ve ever loved…I just didn’t see myself with anyone else at that point. The next night he called me up and said he made a mistake. I was surprised. I had just spent the past 24 hours trying to convince myself that this was best for both of us. The whole thing felt surreal. I couldn’t see myself not going back to him but everything felt weird. How could he have changed his mind so quickly about everything he said? He said he just got scared. He said the something that was missing was just that we had become too routine, like an old married couple. That we just needed a different outlook. I was afraid he would change his mind and he said he wouldn’t, that he had made his decision and wanted to be with me. For the next month I tried to make our relationship work. Intense feelings of anxiety crept in and sometimes I couldn’t eat or sleep. At one point I talked to him about it and said I was having these feelings and was scared but that I wanted to keep trying. I felt better for a few days but all the doubt and the horrible pit in my stomach came back. He reassured me that he liked hanging out with me and I wasn’t boring, etc…but I was torn and I couldn’t get over the things he said! If he was the one, why couldn't I just know that? Finally I made the hardest decision of my life and broke up with him. I told him that all the things he said had stuck in my head. I needed to take the next step in my career and move away. He was right that I was too comfortable, too dependent on him. I needed to stand on my own two feet…he was the only person I had been in a relationship with and maybe that wasn’t good. He was surprised and sad but the next day he said he understood and would always be there for me as a friend. He even said later that he didn’t consider this dumping me, that it was mutual. That maybe someday down the road, once I had the chance to date other people, etc, that maybe there would be a possibility of us being together again. But we should see if we click better with other people (sometimes I'm not sure we had enough in common). We knew we wanted to stay friends so I’ve seen him a few times and we still talk on the phone. For the most part I’ve been making progress and feel pretty good about the decision. But after a few conversations last week I just feel so lonely and really miss him. He still says I still need to get out there, be with other people and mature...but he started reminiscing with me about the good times we had and that I was the best he’s been with. Even though I know our relationship wasn't perfect, the past few days I can only think of the good memories we had and I cry a lot. I think I let my guard down with him. I have to remind myself how we ended up apart because there's so much going through my head at times and it feels like it happened kinda fast. I’ve been praying about whether this is really the right thing but my heart is absolutely torn at times. I think he said he couldn’t let himself get back together with me now if he wanted to. But the past few days I’ve cry and wonder what if it had been different? Is this what's right? Do I need to learn to be happy on my own? (i think the idea of ending up alone terrifies me) How do I know if this relationship was the one if I have nothing to compare it to? How do I know if there's someone out there who's a better fit for me? Why can't I accept this and move on?
loveisallaround Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 WELL, here goes: Because you said that his age is twenty and that he's your first love, I'll assume you are also in his age bracket. And I know it hurts now, but you've got plenty of years ahead of you. There are also plenty of fish in the sea that will be right for you. Mathematically, the odds are in your court that you will love again. Right now, it's time to let him go. The relationship (as you knew it) has ended. If you get back together, then you get back together - that door is always open for the future. However things will never be the same and you've got to accept that. I'd also recommend a period of strict NC to phase him out of your life so that you may begin healing and concentrate on yourself. If you want to discuss this with him (you are on a friendly dispostion if I'm correct) that's fine, but if I were in your shoes I wouldn't tell him this and minimize to the max my contact with him. Pamper yourself. Do whats right for you. Exercise. Write. Learn more about your hobbies. Garden. Get back to basics. Go for drinks with friends. Meet somebody for no strings attached sex. The bottom line is: it's all about you now. You rock. Find your inner strength and use it. Hang in there! You'll be swinging from the chandeller in no time!
seriously saddened Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 I think you're right about minimizing contact as much as possible. I think that was sort of the strategy (if there are strategies for this kind of thing) that I attempted in the beginning. Having done this a few times before, he was ready to talk to me way before I was ready to talk to him. But he said if I was going to be weird towards him now, that it was just going to stay that way so I kinda pushed myself to get over the awkwardness after a few weeks. It's difficult because I want to look out for myself and my needs but at the same time do not want to lose the friendship. With that said I'm going to take your advice and try to tone it down, hopefully without hurting feelings in the process. I'm 23, so a few years older than him. (Guess I got kind of a late start in the dating game.) But hopefully that's still pretty far off from spinster status. :-) Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is tying the knot...I'm in three friends' weddings this summer and invited to one other and most of these people are 22 and 23 like me! (My friends who don't live in a small town like I do say this is not the norm where they are but I don't know.) So it can be hard to not feel pressured at times but I try to remind myself this feeling is common reaction. Thanks for your advice and helping me have a more optimistic outlook...I will definitely try to focus more on myself and embrace this time.
loveisallaround Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 I know it's really hard - I've been there myself, but understand that the universe weaves people and situations in and out of our lives for a reason. Perhaps it's so that you'll be a stronger person, or maybe that you reunite down the road and form a really powerful relationship - who knows. Just try to take the ride. If he truly wants to remain your friend, he'll wait it out. Don't worry about what he thinks, your only job is to take care of you, numero uno, at the point in time.
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