Questions about professor friendship

[Giselle]

Alright, here is my deal: (I hope I am posting this in the proper place--since this isn't one of those "I am trying to get into my professor's pants" type things)

 

I am a 21/f, attending a small college in Texas. This past semester, I took a fun Spanish class. Since I want to actually learn the language, my instructor allowed me to hang out during his office hours and practice my Spanish (he would always complain in class that he had nothing to do during his office hours, and that he would show us a magic trick if we came--and he did!).

 

All in all, I thought we had a great professor-student relationship going on: We had a lot of things to discuss (in Spanish) like traveling, reading (a passion for both of us), magic tricks, which naturally extended to email (ex. I emailed him the location of a new Half Price that had opened up in town).

 

After the class ended, we continued to send short emails to each other every 2 or 3 days. Lately though, his emails have been shorter and less frequent. And, to be honest, nauseatingly grandfatherly. I have no idea how old he actually is (I would guess...early 30's?) but he is sounding like Mr. Rogers! I don't purport to be exceedingly mature for my age or anything like that but I also don't think that I need to be babysat either.

 

My questions are, is he bored with my emails? Too busy to write anything meaningful? Why would he bother responding with superficial-Sesame Street at all when he could just type, "I'll think about that, right now I am working on my dissertation"? Should I just kinda...sorta...stop replying to him or ask him what’s up? I realize that unequal positions of power in any sort of professor-student relationship prevent the formation of the types of friendships that I have with my peers. I’m leaning towards just dropping it altogether though, because I feel like I have a second dad.

 

Thanks for your input guys!

[morrigan]

He sounds like he is backing off from you. I knew college professors who were friends with some of their students and hung out with them, but it's understandable to see where other people could get the wrong idea. He may feel that, even if neither one of you is looking for anything more than friendship, his friendship with an female student looks unprofessional.

 

He may be only in his thirties, but he was your teacher--there is unequality in your friendship. I'd honestly tone it down for now, just say hello and chat when you see him on occasion.

[Giselle]

Thanks, morrigan.

 

That sounds like good advice. I wonder though, wouldn't it seem more inappropriate to be closer to a female student while I was in his class, rather than after I had completed it and received my grade? I'm leaning towards just giving him his space, though. I'm just sad about losing my reading buddy, as it is rare in my community to find someone who not only reads, but has my similar taste :-(

[tokyo]

Originally posted by Giselle

Thanks, morrigan.

 

That sounds like good advice. I wonder though, wouldn't it seem more inappropriate to be closer to a female student while I was in his class, rather than after I had completed it and received my grade? I'm leaning towards just giving him his space, though. I'm just sad about losing my reading buddy, as it is rare in my community to find someone who not only reads, but has my similar taste :-(

He may not be interested in more than a casual friendship with you. While it was ok for him to have a closer friendship with you when you were his student, continuing the friendship outside the context of your studies would implicate more interest from his part than he as a professor would usually give his students. As you're not a student anymore, the "excuse" for your friendship is gone. As he might not feel comfortable with having female friends (is he still available or in a relationship?) he's giving the friendship another direction, he's turning into your fatherly friend, thus keeping you at bay.

[Giselle]

Haha, he might be worried that I will throw myself on him!

 

Thanks, kooky :-)

 

Yes, I can see how there is no real reason for a friendship. I hadn't thought of it from that angle. I have no idea what his relationship status is--but I'm fairly certain that he is single. Just out of curiosity, how do people find out things like maritial status and ages of their profs (for future references, like I said before I think I'm gonna tone it down with this professor)? All I know is that there is no wedding band and he's never talked about a significant other. And actually, my gaydar tells me it's possible he's not even straight, heh.

 

I myself am engaged, which I've mentioned several times to him. He even wanted me to send my fiance over to his office, so he could talk to him about the importance of practicing Spanish!

 

We never really discussed relationships, except in passing to get the basic facts down (like, I wanted to know how to say "engaged" and stuff in Spanish). Mostly our discussions during his office hours and in our emails were comprised of Spanish, Learning a Foreign Language, Academic Life, Reading Books, His Dissertation, and Magic Tricks. We stayed out of personal stuff for the most part. I thought our conversations were fascinating, but maybe he just got bored???

[HotCaliGirl]

Originally posted by Giselle

Since I want to I’m leaning towards just dropping it altogether though, because I feel like I have a second dad.

So what's wrong with having a fatherly friendship with your former professor? And if your gay friend suggested he might be gay, what's that got to do with keeping you from being friends with him?

 

You're already engaged to get married, so if you have an open-relationship, save the sexual relationship for another person and value your professor for his intelligence and assistance with your Spanish and accept him for whatever he offers to give you in the form of a friendship.

 

I developed a lot of relationships and friendships with my former professors. I'm still friends with many of them, most of whom are my dad's age or older and are like a second dad. So take things slow, don't make him feel pressured to give more than he wants.

 

Most men wouldn't want to get involved with an engaged woman to begin with, so think of where he's coming from...even if he is single and finds you attractive, most people don't have or approve of an open relationship and maybe he just doesn't want to be that "other" man in your life...

[Giselle]

Oh, I think you may have the wrong idea :-).

 

Originally posted by HotCaliGirl

Most men wouldn't want to get involved with an engaged woman to begin with, so think of where he's coming from...even if he is single and finds you attractive, most people don't have or approve of an open relationship and maybe he just doesn't want to be that "other" man in your life...

No, no, I am NOT looking for him to be the "other" man. I am happily engaged. I just happened to be enjoying the friendship we had established while I was in his class when his emails strangely started getting extremely fatherly.

 

So what's wrong with having a fatherly friendship with your former professor?

Nothing in particular, I was just wondering why this change occured and what (if anything) I should do about it.

 

And if your gay friend suggested he might be gay, what's that got to do with keeping you from being friends with him?

I said he may be gay in attempting to respond to kooky's question about his personal relationships (to deduce if he is uncomfortable with having female friends). At this point, the only thing keeping me from being friends with him is his sudden detachment.

 

accept him for whatever he offers to give you in the form of a friendship

Yes, this is what I have been working on. Right now, it feels like he just wants his space and that he is very busy so based on some of these posts, I feel it would be more appropriate to wait for him to initiate contact (though emails) with me if he wants to. Especially since he is male and I am female and I realize how some people can easily misconstrue our relationship to be something more than academic friendship.

 

But thank you for your advice! Now that I think I have figured out how to use the QUOTE thing, hopefully I'll be able to communicate in my posts clearer.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe now that class is over, the less in common you have...Unless there was an amazing friendship to start and lots of give and take, once one side shows less interest and maybe the amount of what was in common isn't there anymore to be fed daily, that is why he's slowing down with the emails.

[SexKitten]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Maybe now that class is over, the less in common you have...Unless there was an amazing friendship to start and lots of give and take, once one side shows less interest and maybe the amount of what was in common isn't there anymore to be fed daily, that is why he's slowing down with the emails.

 

 

i thought the same thing, WWIU.

 

it's summer. maybe he works, maybe he doesn't. but it's summer for professors too, and they like to take a break from their work just like students...including the people that come along with the work.

 

you could try just asking him...but you might not like his answer, or he might feel bullied. you may risk looking a little foolish. but it bothers you that much, ask him.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, and also, forgot to add, there's a time when one just has to let go...Not in a mean way, but people grow apart. Take the good memories and smile.

[swedeace]

It could also be that your former instructor realizes maybe the teacher-student friendship relationship would be unfit. I wouldn't look at it as anything personal against you, even if it's easy to feel that way. I've felt like that in several occasions.

 

I am a computer classroom tech, and I do recall a couple of instructors confiding in me that they had students who "try" and form a friendship with them and don't feel it was right. They mentioned it was getting to a point where they felt they might be "taken advantage of." Not saying all cases are alike, but there has to be a reason for your former instructor not getting back to you. He may just be "too polite" to let you down.

 

Just some FYI from some of my past experiences in dissipating friendships. There is more out in the sea.

[Minnie]

Hi-- Look on the chance to have a part of your world enlightened for a time. It was a gift. Maybe it is so wonderful that it will inspire you to find a more available study partner or start a reading or lit club or find some other like minded souls. The internet is a funny thing.

 

Also think in terms of where you would project this to go in 5 yrs. Losing a friend or confidant is no less painful but it is better to know early on it is not working for him than to assume he would be a part of your life and then to feel the loss more acutely later. I do not know why men and women cannot be friends so easily. We all could use a mentor and connections are precious.

 

As someone once said to me, all folks come into our paths for a reason. Life's paths intertwine and continue. We cannot always control another's choice.

 

Finally, email is tricky. To read an intent thru response may not be giving him credit. Try to stick to conversations and face to face encounters. If it is meant to be a long lasting collegiate relationship it will continue. Before email folks used to write letters and phone and conversations often pick up where one left off. As an older person now....I am glad to reconnect with friends and students down the years. Really fun. But to truely be in someone's life it takes two choices and to be there not always in the best of times. Othewise it is a nice encounter that adds color in life. Not to dismiss but to cherish for as brief a time as it is there.

[Isabelle]

I'm a professor myself (though I might not keep this career forever) and it's tough. I'm really the same age as a lot of the students, and have little in common with other faculty.

 

I don't see anything wrong with being friends with students, especially if they're not taking classes from you (or not anymore). Some of my best female friends here are former students. (Usually the ones who are a little closer to my age anyway.) I'm also involved in a lot of outside activities (music, etc.) where I'm not in a teaching role and try to just be Isabelle instead of "Dr." People have really taken it well and adjusted.

 

I do try to keep a distance unless I know they want me around, though, especially if I'm someone they knew as a professor first. Like not eating lunch with them in the cafeteria unless I know they're OK with it. I just don't want to get in their hair. Bottom line, people are people, friends are friends. I do think that, before a relationship crosses romantic lines, you want to make sure they aren't going to be taking any classes from you in the future. It does help that my best friendship matches tend to be people who aren't majoring in the field I teach in. Anyway, we're all human...