Yazzhay Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 So I'll start off by saying I'm not looking for anything serious/long term at the moment. So, I met this girl online and we both agreed we don't want anything serious. We met up for 4 dates. First two went without a hitch. At the end of the second she mentioned how she wanted to go back to mine and "chill" the next date. Was happy to hear this and the next day texted her to meet up on Monday. She didn't respond for ages, so I gave up hope and moved on. But then she texts on Tuesday saying she's been crazy busy with friends visiting from back home but she'd love to do Thursday. She comes over to mine, and her body language is telling me she's really nervous. I don't push for anything, just had my arm behind her. At the end of the date, she leans in and we have a great make out sesh. I wait again for a few days then text for the next date. The same story happens where she waits ages then replies saying she'd love to meet. She comes over and I make my move but then sense she becomes uncomfortable. Of course I stop and then next thing I know she's cuddling next to me for the whole film, holding my hand. She mentions how I should come over to hers soon but that she's back home for a week. I'm cool with keeping this casual but now I'm just confused. She blows hot and cold and despite it being casual seems to just want to cuddle? If we ever meet again I might talk to her about what she's expecting. Just wanted your opinion on what is happening?
handi Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 You texted her Monday and she replied Tuesday? That's not so long when things are just starting. Also for some people, intimacy takes a little time.. Unless you thinknshe goes from hot to cold in front of you out of nowhere I would ask her the next time you see her and maybe mention what you are looking for?
Author Yazzhay Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 Nope, I texted her Friday for a date on Monday. She replied on Tuesday :/
smackie9 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 You wanted casual, well this is casual...hanging out whenever, it doesn't mean there will be sex in the cards. You can't expect commitment of any kind. To add she could be going out on other dates. 1
Author Yazzhay Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 Ah fair game I guess I'm just getting used to this, as I've only done more serious dating before this. It's good to have someone see things more clearly. I'm having quite high expectations for something casual I think. Will chill out 1
handi Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I see, and yeah I didn't want to be frank like the dude above.. But basically commitment-less flings involve no expectation. Even the expectation that sex will be received within a few day
Author Yazzhay Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 True! Would never push for sex but guess I expected it in my head anyway. And you're right casual doesn't always mean sex . Thanks for helping clear things up!
Versacehottie Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Isn't the definition of casual at the base of everything, really mean "cold" if you are 100% honest with yourself? Like smackie said, don't expect much. You can't want the girlfriend experience which is "hot/warm" when the very definition of what you are doing means no strings attached. If she was 100% ready to go, then you'd be the one who was blowing hot/cold to her. Don't expect much in terms of emotion. It will be flighty, spontaneous not much expectation or obligation. That's casual. Good luck
Redfisher Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Man its one of those things....When I first starting dating again And I had the girl over at my place instead of just making a move I actually asked her instead..Thinking it was being a gentleman, She says no...I'm cool with that so I back off and the next day she texts me saying i should have not asked and just went for it!!! Haha chicks..Gotta love them...
kismetkismet Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I feel kind of differently than everyone else! I have been in a couple of casual dating situations and that wasn't really how things went. I find it a little odd that she wants to hang out your house and cuddle and watch movies, but not really fool around. That's more of a coupley thing in my opinion. Also personally I think that's a really long time to respond.. I would always politely respond the same day or maybe the next, but not necessarily talk every day.. I would ask her what she's expecting and looking for. Are you sure she wants something as casual as you? I guess 'casual dating' could mean a lot of things. I have always considered it someone to go out for dinner and/or drinks with and to have sex with (the latter being sort of the end goal.. i have plenty of friends to have dinner and drinks with and then go home alone). I think it's a bit odd to wine and dine and romance when you're not really looking for anything romantic? I could be wrong though. I find romance with someone I don't have strong feelings for very awkward. 1
kismetkismet Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Man its one of those things....When I first starting dating again And I had the girl over at my place instead of just making a move I actually asked her instead..Thinking it was being a gentleman, She says no...I'm cool with that so I back off and the next day she texts me saying i should have not asked and just went for it!!! Haha chicks..Gotta love them... God I hate when girls are like that! It's actually super offensive and perpetuates the whole rapey forcefulness of men in dating. Ruining it for the rest of us who know what we want and don't need someone to push us into something to alleviate weird sexual guilt.
Author Yazzhay Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 I feel kind of differently than everyone else! I have been in a couple of casual dating situations and that wasn't really how things went. I find it a little odd that she wants to hang out your house and cuddle and watch movies, but not really fool around. That's more of a coupley thing in my opinion. Also personally I think that's a really long time to respond.. I would always politely respond the same day or maybe the next, but not necessarily talk every day.. I would ask her what she's expecting and looking for. Are you sure she wants something as casual as you? I guess 'casual dating' could mean a lot of things. I have always considered it someone to go out for dinner and/or drinks with and to have sex with (the latter being sort of the end goal.. i have plenty of friends to have dinner and drinks with and then go home alone). I think it's a bit odd to wine and dine and romance when you're not really looking for anything romantic? I could be wrong though. I find romance with someone I don't have strong feelings for very awkward. You basically stated exactly why I said I was confused. She actually almost explicitly said she wanted sex on the second date ("let's Netflix and chill on your couch babe")then suddenly her tone changed and she was really nervous and withdrawn the next date. Of course casual means no strings attached but there's at least some consistency with behaviour I think lol!
Redfisher Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 God I hate when girls are like that! It's actually super offensive and perpetuates the whole rapey forcefulness of men in dating. Ruining it for the rest of us who know what we want and don't need someone to push us into something to alleviate weird sexual guilt. I know right?!? Anyways with the present girlfriend I changed my tactic..Had our 3rd date at my house and I had Her fav band on the stereo and my room light with a dozen candles and some dark chocolate on the night stand.. Her panties hit the floor faster then all get out..Its all a learning process for sure.
kismetkismet Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 You basically stated exactly why I said I was confused. She actually almost explicitly said she wanted sex on the second date ("let's Netflix and chill on your couch babe")then suddenly her tone changed and she was really nervous and withdrawn the next date. Of course casual means no strings attached but there's at least some consistency with behaviour I think lol! Ya! Inviting yourself over to someone's house when you are 'casually dating' to me means sex. Particularly if she literally used the words "netflix and chill." unless she's been living under a rock, that phrase means one thing, and it's not couch cuddles while watching a movie haha. If she wanted to remain casual, but not sleep with you, wouldn't you just go for dinner or to a movie or something? My guess is that she might be a bit nervous about transitioning from cuddles to sex with someone she doesn't know that well. I would ask her straight up what she wants... say that you don't want to pressure her at all, and are happy just doing chill couch movies with no sex if that's what she wants, but that you've been getting mixed signals. If she does expressly say that she wants sex, she may need you to take the lead with things. Maybe (once you're sure that it is what she wants) a little wine would help.. I know that i for one need to be at least mildly drunk the first couple of times i have sex with someone.
Author Yazzhay Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 I feel kind of differently than everyone else! I have been in a couple of casual dating situations and that wasn't really how things went. I find it a little odd that she wants to hang out your house and cuddle and watch movies, but not really fool around. That's more of a coupley thing in my opinion. Also personally I think that's a really long time to respond.. I would always politely respond the same day or maybe the next, but not necessarily talk every day.. I would ask her what she's expecting and looking for. Are you sure she wants something as casual as you? I guess 'casual dating' could mean a lot of things. I have always considered it someone to go out for dinner and/or drinks with and to have sex with (the latter being sort of the end goal.. i have plenty of friends to have dinner and drinks with and then go home alone). I think it's a bit odd to wine and dine and romance when you're not really looking for anything romantic? I could be wrong though. I find romance with someone I don't have strong feelings for very awkward. I think that's perfect advice. I've been a little afraid to bring it up to her for fears of sounding pushy but I'll say as you put it there . Oh well, we'll see if and how things progress!
MissBee Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I think re-discussing expectations is always good. I know many women when a man says he wants something casual they agree because they want to seem "easygoing" but in their minds they're secretly hoping for more. I don't know if casual for you means casual sex, but maybe for her casual means she wants to take things slow and not have sex either, but see you and see how it goes. So yea, it's best to check in and make sure you're on the same page. Casual dating for me just means I haven't found anyone I really really like so there might be someone or a few people I go out with every now and again and sex doesn't need to be involved. In your scenario it seems more like normal dating...do you see each other weekly? In any case, I don't date casually generally as I find it is too confusing or it only works if I don't like the person(s) that much but once I really like a guy it's hard not to want more. That said, check in to make sure you all are still on the same wavelength so that no one gets hurt or misled. 3
kismetkismet Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I think re-discussing expectations is always good. I know many women when a man says he wants something casual they agree because they want to seem "easygoing" but in their minds they're secretly hoping for more. I don't know if casual for you means casual sex, but maybe for her casual means she wants to take things slow and not have sex either, but see you and see how it goes. ohhh you're totally right. I forgot that that is a thing that people do.. (never a good idea). How did the let's-not-be-serious conversation come about and how did it go? If it was led by you and wasn't super in depth then that is another possibility... I still think the way to go is to just talk to her directly about expectations. How old are you two?
JGirl83 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I think re-discussing expectations is always good. I know many women when a man says he wants something casual they agree because they want to seem "easygoing" but in their minds they're secretly hoping for more. I don't know if casual for you means casual sex, but maybe for her casual means she wants to take things slow and not have sex either, but see you and see how it goes. . I was going to write the same thing! Maybe OP made it clear he is after a casual set up and she likes him so tried to act like she wants the same buts gets nervous about having sex with a -almost-stranger. Definitely have a chat! 1
handi Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 God I hate when girls are like that! It's actually super offensive and perpetuates the whole rapey forcefulness of men in dating. Ruining it for the rest of us who know what we want and don't need someone to push us into something to alleviate weird sexual guilt. I think it's better to not make a move out of confusion, because it means a lot to a girl. Like too many dudes are forceful, that the ones that are considerate are the ones that worthwhile girls will text saying that he should make a move.. then the next time you meet it is less awkward. *this is for inexperienced girls btw. If we're talking about women who have been with men in the past, then obviously playing dumb is annoying.. but for inexperienced girls, it's not an act.. usually it's hard to flirt (coming from an awkward female).
slider1985 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 This sounds very similar to a situation I encountered with a girl I met online. She was very flirtatious and wanted to come over to my place by the second date. When she finally came over she was very nervous and just wanted to cuddle. Turns out she was dumped by her Ex LTR and was on the rebound.
kismetkismet Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I think it's better to not make a move out of confusion, because it means a lot to a girl. Like too many dudes are forceful, that the ones that are considerate are the ones that worthwhile girls will text saying that he should make a move.. then the next time you meet it is less awkward. *this is for inexperienced girls btw. If we're talking about women who have been with men in the past, then obviously playing dumb is annoying.. but for inexperienced girls, it's not an act.. usually it's hard to flirt (coming from an awkward female). I'm not talking about when girls just suggest that the guy make a move, i'm talking about when girls are like, 'you shouldn't have asked if you could kiss me, you should have just been forceful.' I've heard this before, where girls think it's negative when a guy asks them if they can kiss them or something and the girl says that they wish that they'd just take control. It just shows anxiety/guilt/discomfort with your own sexuality, that you need to feel 'taken'... and then what about the girls that DON"T actually want things to happen, but the men have always been told by women not to ask - just to take. It just perpetuates rape culture and blurred consent. I actually really like when a guy is forceful and tosses me around a bit - but only after i've made it clear that I'm into it before hand. You can still have all that power play stuff without making people feel like they don't have control over what happens to their bodies. 1
Redhead14 Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 Casual means, among other things, you are not a priority. So the slow response, etc. is par for the course. However, given the fact that this girl kinda gave you some heads up for upping things sexually, she may only be doing that because she is kidding herself. She's saying casual because that's what you want while hoping you will be so into her as to change your mind and become more serious. I think you should re-visit the dating goals conversation.
fred123 Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 Seems similar to my situation with my girl. She said she dont want anything serious and enjoys my company and chatting and hanging out etc. But surely casual dating implies getting physical? Otherwise ur just friends going out. Mine is so slow. We have made out but she said holding hands is too soon! What does cadual dating mean.? Surely it can involve sex
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