hatlan Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Hello Finally after 11 months of break up I'm back to the game, it's been almost 2 months since I met my GF, I like her and feel the connection, anyway I feel I'm not what I used to be... In my last relationship I was really enthusiastic, coming up with dates ideas, giving away gifts, trying to use any situation to make the best out of it in a romantic way. In contrast my ex, didn't give back, I'm not doing that to get anything back, she didn't react the way anybody would. Anyway now after we broke up and I'm back to business I feel I acquired my ex's habit, I'm cold, and not interested in making effort, it's not that I don't love my current Gf, but I feel like not doing anything. I'm really wondering if I have changed, am I not interested enough in my GF, or am I not ready to go back to the game yet.. Plz if any of you or people you know have been to this situation before plz guide me. Thank you
xUnknown Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I think that comes with time. Personally, I feel like you aren't ready to date - based off what you said. I sometimes get that feeling too. The difference is, I don't have a gf. Maybe take some time to really think about things to determine if she is right for you. 3
Ami1uwant Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 You may have felt burned thus don't want to do that again. Maybe something is missing between her and you. 2
Versacehottie Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I would say what has been said above AND that you probably were more involved and enthusiastic with your previous gf because you kept trying to show that you were a good bf because she was not so responsive. It's an out-of-balance thing that usually happens. Now new gf may try harder than you do and you have nothing to prove to her. I think also it's very likely you are not ready to date (comparisons to ex-gf can be a sign) and/or you are not that into this new gf. Step back, assess and be fair to yourself and this new gf. There's no point staying in it if she doesn't inspire some true effort and enthusiasm. (which is internal to you, not necessarily her fault) Good luck. 1
scooby-philly Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I agree with the responses so far. It sounds like in the previous relationship it was all you all the time, so if the new GF isn't as needy or as much of a taker - heck even it's probably worse if she' a giver and that may make you feel totally odd. And that leads to you doubting your feelings. I feel your pain. I'm a giver and caretaker. My parents weren't emotionally available to me as a kid and while the provided a house, food, etc, they weren't very good on a lot of other fronts. I'm still coming to grips with that and what it did to my personality, but suffice to say, it's made me get into two relationships where I was totally the giver - one ran her own business, was used to being single (or had a trouble dating past - I never found out about her past relationships), and didn't really know how to give and the most recent one was a complete and absolute taker who knew how to play off as being a giver - she'd do anything that didn't cost her time, money, convenience, etc. Now I'm aware that not only am I cautious, but if I was with someone who was balanced I may feel odd becuase I'm not used to a partnership, even though that's what I want. I agree - you need to take some time to yourself - it may seem like you're ready (and you may be) but we don't know - how old you are, how long you dated the previous ex, what your family history is, etc. Hang in there and explore your feelings. If you care enough about the new GF and she cares about you too then talk to her about this. We all bring our own baggage - real partners help each other. 3
candie13 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Your past RS changed you. It scared you, in a way. It scared you. What you experience is... maybe... lack of emotional availability? This happens to a lot of people who got hurt - they are not ready to love or be loved anytime soon. I think maybe you do appreciate your new gf, it simply takes a while to... unfreeze. I think that's the term. What also prevents real healing is not looking inside at yourself, at what you are feeling and at what happened and keeping the fears of getting hurt as sole memory of your past RS. Fail to understand the mistakes of the past and you're doomed to repeat them. A lot of people jump into a new RS hoping that would make them feel a lot better, after night... well... it's still the same ol' self. And in a way, the first time you date again, after a major break up, you learn to accept that no new person would make you feel the same - compared to the ex. Mind you, in toxic and dependent RS, the thrills are much higher than in a normal healthy one - the highs and excitements are more intense, the fighting and hurt and suffering cut much deeper too. Healthy RS have a different flavor and it does take time to appreciate them. All in all, there's nothing wrong with yourself. Watch out at how you feel towards your new gf and simply ask yourself if you're having a good time, if you're getting found of her. It's not healthy to compare people... or fair. But it's good, what's happening, OP. It's really good. You're waking up after the shock of your previous RS. You didn't change... you've grown. And now you're getting back in touch with yourself. That's a good thing. 2
Author hatlan Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 You may have felt burned thus don't want to do that again. Maybe something is missing between her and you. thanks for replaying, what you mean by missing could you plz clarify and her and I whom you mean by her ( current or ex)
Author hatlan Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 I agree with the responses so far. It sounds like in the previous relationship it was all you all the time, so if the new GF isn't as needy or as much of a taker - heck even it's probably worse if she' a giver and that may make you feel totally odd. And that leads to you doubting your feelings. I feel your pain. I'm a giver and caretaker. My parents weren't emotionally available to me as a kid and while the provided a house, food, etc, they weren't very good on a lot of other fronts. I'm still coming to grips with that and what it did to my personality, but suffice to say, it's made me get into two relationships where I was totally the giver - one ran her own business, was used to being single (or had a trouble dating past - I never found out about her past relationships), and didn't really know how to give and the most recent one was a complete and absolute taker who knew how to play off as being a giver - she'd do anything that didn't cost her time, money, convenience, etc. Now I'm aware that not only am I cautious, but if I was with someone who was balanced I may feel odd becuase I'm not used to a partnership, even though that's what I want. I agree - you need to take some time to yourself - it may seem like you're ready (and you may be) but we don't know - how old you are, how long you dated the previous ex, what your family history is, etc. Hang in there and explore your feelings. If you care enough about the new GF and she cares about you too then talk to her about this. We all bring our own baggage - real partners help each other. thanks buddy you really explained my situation, the current one is an absolute giver, even though I ask her to ask for anything , but simply she won't. it may seem as you said. Your response made some points clear to me thanks
Author hatlan Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 Your past RS changed you. It scared you, in a way. It scared you. What you experience is... maybe... lack of emotional availability? This happens to a lot of people who got hurt - they are not ready to love or be loved anytime soon. I think maybe you do appreciate your new gf, it simply takes a while to... unfreeze. I think that's the term. What also prevents real healing is not looking inside at yourself, at what you are feeling and at what happened and keeping the fears of getting hurt as sole memory of your past RS. Fail to understand the mistakes of the past and you're doomed to repeat them. A lot of people jump into a new RS hoping that would make them feel a lot better, after night... well... it's still the same ol' self. And in a way, the first time you date again, after a major break up, you learn to accept that no new person would make you feel the same - compared to the ex. Mind you, in toxic and dependent RS, the thrills are much higher than in a normal healthy one - the highs and excitements are more intense, the fighting and hurt and suffering cut much deeper too. Healthy RS have a different flavor and it does take time to appreciate them. All in all, there's nothing wrong with yourself. Watch out at how you feel towards your new gf and simply ask yourself if you're having a good time, if you're getting found of her. It's not healthy to compare people... or fair. But it's good, what's happening, OP. It's really good. You're waking up after the shock of your previous RS. You didn't change... you've grown. And now you're getting back in touch with yourself. That's a good thing. thanks for your response... I don't know why most of you think I'm still grieving upon my ex, in fact I went through a rebound, and I'm really sorry for that girl, so what I'm going through now (in my opinion) doesn't do anything with being unhealed, or hurt (though I respect your opinion)
candie13 Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 thanks for your response... I don't know why most of you think I'm still grieving upon my ex, in fact I went through a rebound, and I'm really sorry for that girl, so what I'm going through now (in my opinion) doesn't do anything with being unhealed, or hurt (though I respect your opinion) Hatlan, it's one of the two, from my limited experience: A. new girl may be amazing and all... but she doesn't do it for you - hence you are less excited about her and doing stuff with her (it's chemistry, you can't fight it) B. you are still in shock After a big RS and a big break up, it's not like one year and one rebound are enough. Having your heart broken, having your trust betrayed stays with you for a very long time. I am not implying that your current gf is your rebound. I am implying that despite your rebound and despite the time, you are still not healed. It takes times. Re-discovering yourself, getting intouch with that vulnerable side, re-discovering yourself... seeing those wounds... it's not that easy. It's not automatic. It takes time. Healing is not guaranteed. This is why I was saying for you to look inside and be patient. Maybe you simply need more time.
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