My boyfriend literally ran away.....

[ValentineGirl]

Hi everyone,

 

I have been dealing with the extremely sudden loss of my eight-month relationship with my boyfriend. He broke up with me almost a month ago now.

The breakup happened so irrationally and unexpectedly I had no warning at all. I am dealing okay with the grief and loss but because it happened so suddenly I still feel like I just cannot understand what happened.

 

I don't normally talk a lot about my private life but I think it might be somewhat helpful for me to share my relationship story and see what others think of what happened. Having different points of view might be therapeutic perhaps?

 

I will apologise in advance for the length of this post and will understand if no-one has the patience to read it through to the end haha!

 

I met my boyfriend (let's call him Alecc) online. He is Korean and he was the one who first contatcted me through a penpal site. This wasn't a dating site - it is a site designed to connect people in different parts of the world who want to make overseas friends, exchange language and culture etc. I had started to learn the Korean language two years before he contacted me which was when I first posted my profile there.

 

Alecc told me he was thinking about moving to Australia, at first on a working holiday visa but ultimately with a view to leaving Korea forever and gaining citizenship here. He said he contacted me because he wanted to ask some questions about Australia and the lifestyle here. I made sure he knew right away that I was a lot older than him - 13 years in fact - but he said he didn't mind - he just really liked what he had read about me in my profile.

 

We were soon texting back and forth almost all day and found we had so much in common. He admired that I am a professional musician and we were both very similar in personality. We created a very close friendship through the texting then we started Skyping with each other. He had excellent English and we never had any trouble communicating.

 

We definitely had chemistry right away - both of us felt it right from the very first message and Skyping confirmed it for us. But I hesitated to let this go to my head - after all he was so much younger than me, and was planning to move to a new country. I knew his life would be unsettled and uncertain for a while into the future.

 

Alecc moved incredibly fast - within a month of first contacting me he had decided to leave Korea (he told me he burnt all his bridges there and never intended to return). He secured a housekeeping job for himself in Australia at a hotel in the remote Australian outback at Uluru (Ayres Rock). I was surprised at how fast he achieved all of this but at the same time I admired his go-to attitude and courage.

 

Alecc originally planned to fly into Brisbane and spend four days with a Korean friend there before going on to Uluru, but told me that he really wanted to meet me in person. So he decided to spend two of those four days with me in Adelaide. I was very surprised when he told me this, as I hadn't expected he would take the time and expense to meet me so soon (if at all!) but it was very exciting to think he wanted to meet me so much.

 

I told Alecc I was happy for him to stay with me for the two days he had to spend in Adelaide. I felt we had spent a month getting to know each other really well and he didn't feel like a stranger, but more like someone I'd known all my life. But not wanting to presume that he was after anything other than friendship, I prepared the spare bedroom for him.

 

At the time, I would sincerely have been happy and satisfied just to have his friendship without any romantic side because he was a beautiful person - charming, sweet, sensitive, witty, outgoing, smart and cultured. I was grateful to get to know him and to have his friendship.

 

The minute Alecc got off the plane in Adelaide there were sparks between us. We were both shy and unsure but he told me later he felt the chemistry from the moment my hand accidentally brushed his at the airport.

 

After we arrived at my house we took a walk around the lake in my neighbourhood. As we talked, I just sort of naturally slipped my hand into his without even really thinking about it. It just seemed right. With him I never felt shy and unsure even though I am naturally like that with new people. Alecc looked shocked when I took his hand and I felt very embarrassed. I blushed, quickly apologised and dropped his hand. As soon as I did this grabbed my hand back and took it in both of his. He cradled my hand to his chest and we walked like this the rest of the way. It was so sweet and romantic.

 

While I cooked dinner for us that night he came up behind me and hugged me tight to his chest. It felt right and beautiful. That evening I told him about the spare bedroom but then shyly told him he could also stay in my room - it was his choice. I only told him this because I could tell already we were mutually attracted and had romantic feelings for each other. Of course he decided to stay with me in my room.

 

That night as we cuddled together I told him that I wasn't looking for something casual and meaningless. And that I would never sleep with someone I wasn't serious about. He told me he also had serious views about being in a relationship, had no interest in anything short-term, wanted to have a stable future in Australia with family around him. Also, he knew at my age it would be wrong for him to waste my time playing around.

 

I then confessed to him I'd never had a boyfriend before or made love before.

He told me to close my eyes and he tied a thread bracelet around my wrist. It had my name and a love heart on it. He had bought it for me in Brisbane. He then said "I want to ask you to be my girlfriend. From today we are a couple".

 

I felt so reassured by what he told me, and he seemed to be the man I've been waiting for all my life. I am usually very wary about people and take a long time to trust them and let them into my life. I'm smart and perceptive about people and I don't trust easily. But somehow with Alecc there was just this feeling of incredible connection, joy in being together, understanding of each other, mutual goals and interests.

 

I have been shy all my life and have battled with self-esteem, especially when I was younger. After going through cancer treatment two years ago (sucessfully - I am completely healthy now) I finally realised I needed to live life more courageously, face up to my fears and become stronger. Part of my growth was realising I wanted love in my life. So I spent two years going out on dates with men I met online. But I didn't really connect with any of them and it was totally discouraging and a very difficult period of my life. I realised finding love and connection wasn't easy at all and it would take more than just my personal courage to find the right guy - it was also down to fate as well.

 

So when Alecc came into my life and we fit together like a lock and key I felt so lucky. I would never have deliberately chosen someone so much younger as I know it can add complications to any relationship, but I discussed my age with Alecc numerous times and he always assured me quite apart from being bothered by my age he actually really liked it. He would say me "if you were younger and Korean Kylie I wouldn't want to date you" and "you think way too much about age things. Age isn't who a person is".

 

Alecc left for his job in Uluru two days later. So now we were long distance again. He was planning to work there for six months to start earning enough money to live in his new country and hopefully start saving to enrol in university eventually so he could transfer his working holiday visa over to a student visa. His long-term plan was to study a subject where there is government demand for that type of job as it makes getting a permanent residency visa a lot easier after you graduate.

 

I felt it was important that we see each other at least a few times during those six months so I discussed this with Alecc. This was the first time I ran into an attitude he had on this topic that I only knew later was going to be a big problem.

 

My first suggestion to Alecc seemed logical to me - I would come and visit him at Uluru every couple of months. I didn't want him going to the expense of the 6 hour plane trip when he would have so little money. Besides he had already spent money on the trip to visit me so I felt this would be fair. But he refused to let me come and see him there. He explained to me that his job was very stressful and I felt he couldn't relax there. Besides, it was a tiny little town and everyone knew everyone else there and dating me in that environment would feel like we were in a fish bowl.

 

My next suggestion was that I fly into the nearest big town and he would take time off to see me (which would entail a three hour bus ride either way for him). It was then he told me that he really doesn't like and has never liked the idea of his girlfriend travelling to see him. I asked him what he meant by that. He tried to explain that he felt that as the man he should be the one travelling to see me and it wasn't right that I should do the travelling. He would worry about me travelling such a long way and he would also feel bad about me doing so.

 

This to me seemed illogical. We had a few discussions about this attitude and I soon found he was utterly stubborn in this mindset. I tried to understand this but simply found I could not. I felt if I were willing to take the time and spend my money to see him then that should be okay. I explained to him that seeing him was just as much for my benefit as for his and that it was important to see each other, especially as our relationship was so new.

 

But I was unable to budge his attitude. I finally told myself that perhaps this might be the first of some cultural differences we would find in our relationship and I would need to be sensitive and understanding about it.

 

Finally I figured out a compromise with him. I told him I had been saving up frequent flyer points for years and years and had amassed about 150,000 points. I had never once used any of them. I suggested to him that we use the points to fly him to Adelaide. That way neither of us were spending any money and he would be able to come to me, as was his preference. Alecc allowed me to convince him this was a good idea and I transferred about half of my points to his account.

 

While Alecc was in Uluru he would text me throughout the day whenever he had time. And he called me on the phone every single night. Our relationship continued to deepen despite the distance.

 

Alecc was able to get three or four days off every six weeks and he flew down to see me four times. Every time we were together it was pure joy. We were falling deeper and deeper in love. He wanted to improve his English so we started reading the "Narnia" series together. I tried reading to him at first but he couldn't really catch on to the story while I did this. So he ended up taking the book and reading to me while cuddling me in bed. After he returned to Uluru between visits he continued to read Narnia over the phone to me every night.

 

Even though he was far away, I was happy. We were in constant communication and he was visiting me as often as he could. On his third visit as we lay cuddling together he told me he loved me. I felt such a rush of joy and happiness go through me. I already knew I loved him deeply but I had waited for him to tell me first.

 

Throughout our relationship I did try to let him make the first moves each time. It was his idea to come and meet me in the first place - I would never have presumed to suggest that myself. He was the one to ask me to be his girlfriend and he was the one to tell me first he loved me. I was happy and excited about our relationship but was also content to let him take it at his own pace and was careful not to put pressure or expectations on him.

 

Four months after starting work at Uluru Alecc called me to say he had quit working there. I knew he'd been having a hard time there physically and emotionally. It was hard physical work which he'd had no experience of before. He also felt looked down upon because he wasn't an Aussie, and was self-conscious about his English (though it was really actually excellent). It was also a tough environment - in the middle of the remote desert outback, surrounded by a transitory population and also a lot of people who went there because they didn't really fit into "normal" society. I knew he was tired all the time and had lost a lot of weight. So I wasn't really surprised that he quit. But he never discussed his decision with me - just told me after it happened, then told me he would be coming to me in Adelaide.

 

Although I realised that living together wasn't something I had planned to do with Alecc while our relationship was so new, still I was very happy that he was going to come to stay with me. I was glad he understood that I was there for him and he had somewhere to go. So I welcomed him with all my heart.

 

Alecc and I lived together in complete happiness. Because we shared so many common interests, spending time together was pure joy. Everything we did together was fun. We played on the playground when we went for walks like a couple of kids, we read together, we studied each other's languages, played music together and went to dance class together. We held hands everywhere, even while I was driving. He was affectionate, loving, caring, sensitive and understanding. We never argued or had negative exchanges.

 

I injured myself a couple of times - one time I ran into a pole (lol) and another time injured my leg while we were playing soccer. Both times he ran immediately to my rescue and took me to the doctor and cared for me after. I couldn't walk for a few days after I injured my leg and he would piggyback me around the house so I wouldn't have to use the crutches. I just adored him and felt so lucky to have someone who cared so deeply for me.

 

Gradually I introduced Alecc into every part of my life. He met all of my friends, my family, my collegues and students. At every stage I gave him the choice whether he would want to meet them, explaining that introducing him to them was an important step for me. That it meant our relationship was serious. But he was happy to meet them all. Of course everyone who met him loved him.

 

However, though our actual relationship was seemingly perfect, at the back of my mind I did have some worries about what the future may hold. Firstly, I knew Alecc had a very cold and distant relationship with his family in Korea, especially his parents. However, he also had a strong sense of duty towards his parents and told me quite early on that he worried they would never approve of me. He said he'd had a few girlfriends before and hadn't been able to introduce any of them to his parents. He hadn't even told them about his girlfriends. He explained his parents were very traditionally-minded and he was also the first son and grandson in his family. They would be very critical of any girl he dated and that he would be expected to marry any girl he introduced them to.

 

Koreans have very strict ideas about not mixing ages - it's build deep into their culture, language and social interactions. They are also traditionally not open to inter-racial relationships. I knew both of these things before I dated Alecc and he confirmed to me that his parents had strict ideas about these things and worried that his parents would never approve of our relationship and he would be forced to choose. When he talked about the possibility of losing his relationship with his parents, Alecc cried and said he didn't know what he would do if he was put in this position. It wasn't very reassuring to know he didn't know if he would have the courage to choose me over them if forced to do so.

 

When Alecc first discussed this with me I realised, in fairness to him, I should give him a chance not to go ahead with our relationship. I asked him if the best thing to do would be to stop dating. I told him I was willing, for his sake to let him go. I was very sad and turned my back to him, tears in my eyes. But he grabbed me and hugged me like he never wanted to let me go and rocked me, assuring me he wanted me in his life.

 

I knew this might still be a problem in the future but I tried not to worry about it until I had to. After all, he had chosen to leave Korea and his parents and had told me he wanted a stable family life in his new country. I hoped, given time he would see me and my family as his new family and his parent's opinion of our relationship wouldn't be as stressful to him. Still, I felt uncomfortable knowing that he had never told them about me.

 

The other problem was Alecc's visa. In order to extend it for a second year he had to do three months of some kind of farm work due to government laws. I knew he really didn't want to do this - he is very afraid of all kinds of animals and also showed real aversion to physical labor. After a few months together I offered to sponsor him as a partner or fiancee instead. If he had agreed he could have been able to start to study or work right away without the worry of going to the farm.

 

But he adamantly refused my help. When I asked him to explain why (I was worried it was because he felt he couldn't commit to me) he told me it was because of his sense of equilibrium in our relationship. He told me if I did such an invaluable thing for him he could never feel we were equals. In fact he told me if I sponsored his visa he couldn't be my boyfriend anymore because he would feel too obligated to me. I tried to give him my point of view that it wouldn't just be a gain for him - that having him securely by my side would be a wonderful blessing he could give me. Also, I pointed out to him that mixed relationships are totally normal in Australia and at least three of my family members had married people from other countries and had gone through the sponsorship process. They all had thriving relationships.

 

But, just as I found I could not move Alecc in his opinion about me flying anywhere to see him I found I could not move him on this topic either. So after discussing it fruitlessly a couple of times I realised that I must accept his decision to get residency through his own efforts and the best I could do for him was be as supportive of this venture as possible.

 

Now that we were actually living together I noticed that Alecc was incredibly tired much of the time. I thought he was just absolutely exhausted after living in Uluru and put effort into helping him recover his health (eating properly, exercising, enough sleep). But after a few weeks I realised that he was still tired all the time - sleeping 10-12 hours a day and often taking naps in the afternoon too. I grew concerned about him and told him maybe he should see a doctor but he always said it would be too expensive as he wasn't a citizen and he would go to the doctor the next time he visited Korea.

 

After a couple of weeks of living together we started to discuss Alecc's next move. We both agreed it was important he do his three months of farm work as soon as possible so he wouldn't have to worry about his visa running out for a long time. I tried really hard to help him find farm work close to where we were living but it was the wrong time of year (winter). For three days straight I drove Alecc all around the surrounding area of my city, contacting various farms. Everyone gave us the same answer - come back in the springtime.

 

We had planned a holiday together while he was still at Uluru to celebrate him finishing his six months there and also his birthday. We had booked the hotel and flights before he quit. So because we couldn't find farm work nearby Alecc continued to live with me for two months while we waited to go on holiday.

 

I noticed while he lived with me not only Alecc's excessive tiredness (laziness?) but also his lack of direction and motivation. He had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. He was super smart and good at everything he tried so he could have chosen to do anything but he was also extremely picky. He also told me he had lots of difficulty making life decisions as he worried that choosing one path would cut him off from alternate paths. He hadn't decided what he wanted to study. He was also very unmotivated about working. I told him if he found a job say in a kitchen and worked for the next six months he could earn enough to go straight to university and so he could get his student visa and by-pass the farm work. But he always turned his nose up at menial work and said he would never work in a kitchen, or in a restaurant, or in a hotel...etc. When I asked him what job he imagined he might be able to get in Australia that didn't involve menial work he had no answer for me.

 

The tiredness, and lack of direction and motivation worried me about Alecc when I thought about it but I trusted that he would slowly find his way in his new country and we would just go one step at a time. So we agreed he would do the farm work after he got back from our holiday.

 

Another thing that worried me a little was whenever Alecc talked about his future I noticed he didn't necessarily come up with plans that included me. I was hoping he would settle down in my home town so we could be close to each other but at no point did he commit to studying there. He seemed to keep all his options open. I started to worry a little that despite his seeming commitment to me in the beginning that from a practical point of view he wasn't actually telling me that I was a priority in his life.

 

Still I reminded myself our relationship was relatively new and he was in a very unstable and stressful period of his life. I didn't want to add to any pressure he was feeling by insisting he make outright commitments to me. And I believed I must respect his freedom and choice. Love precludes forcing another person to your will.

 

We went to Sydney together for our holiday and then the Sunshine Coast. In both places I introduced him to my relatives - uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents. And we had an absolutely wonderful time together as we always did. Alecc told me again how much he loved me and how he had never been so happy and that it was the best holiday of his life. He wrapped me up in his arms, rocked me and said in Korean "Mine, mine mine!" I was literally glowing with happiness just to have him in my life. He gave me joy and purpose and someone to love and nurture as I had always longed for in my life. He seemed to love and adore me too. I truly believed he loved and cared for me as I did for him.

 

Then came that final night. We arrived home from the Sunshine Coast at around 7pm and unpacked our suitcases. Alecc went to his computer after dinner. Sometime later he came to our room and told me had had booked a flight to Cairns where one of his Korean friends from Uluru was doing farm work. Cairns is very far away in the north of Australia. He explained to me that even though it was far away he wanted to be somewhere where he already had a good friend as he knew this would be a tough time for him. His friend had told him there were snakes up there and he said he was totally scared of snakes, yet he was still determined to go there.

 

I did think to myself that once again he was making decisions without discussing them with me first. This was despite all the effort I had put into helping find farm work close to our house. I had imagined he would try to work close by after we returned from our holiday since it was now spring and there would be plenty of work locally. Still I didn't criticise his decision to go to Cairns or tell him not to go.

 

Alecc told me that unlike Uluru, it was unlikely he would be able to leave the farm for the next three months to visit me. Furthermore, straight after the farm work was done he planned to return to Korea for perhaps a month to see family and friends and be there for one of their traditional family festivals.

 

Listening to this, I suddenly realised he was about to disappear out of my life for at least four months. So I started to discuss with him how we could see each other a few times during this separation. Once again I ran into his irrational (to me at least) belief that his girlfriend should never travel to see him. Yet he was telling me he wouldn't be able to travel to see me either. So I tried to convince him it would be fine. I told him I had travelled all over the world by myself, and furthermore, being Australian (it's a big country) it was no trouble at all to jump on a plane at any time and go anywhere. I even told him that Cairns is a lovely tourist place that I'd always wanted to visit.

 

But I couldn't convince him. Around and around we talked, each not able to understand the other. He started to get upset and said "You don't understand me!" and it was true - I didn't. To me it is right and natural that a long distance couple plan to see each other during separation.

 

He left our bedroom, went to sit in front of his computer and put headphones on. I knew he was upset but I wanted to resolve the situation. I kept trying to talk to him....I had never experience him being upset with me before so I really didn't realise I should have left him alone at that point. I started to feel scared by his unusual behaviour and wanted to fix the problem immediately.

 

He came back to bed and we continued to talk. I said to him "Alecc what you're telling me is that you are leaving me for perhaps four months. People are going to ask me when I will be seeing you next and I won't be able to give them an answer. Don't you think that's strange?" Then he got really upset at me and said "You're trying to make me into a bad, weird person!" I assured him I didn't think of him that way. I kept very calm and kept a loving and assuring tone in my voice. I tried again to explain to him how important to ME it was that I see him during the separation. He told me (as he had before) that his previous girlfriends had all be fine with him going away for 6-12 months at a time and he had never broken up with any of them because of distance. But I knew he hadn't had particularly close relationships with those girls. He had told me he had never been in a relationship before where they said "I love you" to each other as we did.

 

Finally I said "Ok I give in - we will do it your way. You will go away for four months and it will be okay. We are good at long distance". But he got even more upset and offended when I said this and left the bedroom again.

 

I followed him, still trying to understand why we were suddenly at this crisis. He told me we were just talking in circles because I wouldn't understand him. Suddenly he got extremely angry. He pulled on his hoodie so hard the zip broke. He told me he had never ever got angry at another girlfriend the way he felt right then.

 

Then he started saying "I've got to get away! I've got to go to Korea!"

I couldn't believe what he was saying. I told him he didn't need to go anywhere - he was in his home where he was safe and loved and everything would be okay. He was very upset. He leaned over the desk like he was in pain. I put a warm blanket over him. He told me his stomach was hurting so I got a hot pack and put it on his stomach and put ugg boots on his cold feet. I tried to be calm, assuring and loving and eventually he did calm down. I hoped then he would give up this crazy idea of going to Korea but even after he was completely calm he looked me in the eye and said "No matter what you say or do I am going to book the next flight to Korea. I feel so empty and I need a rest!"

 

I couldn't believe my ears. What he was saying seemed totally irrational. How could he feel empty when he knew he was beloved to me? I made it clear I loved every little bit of him during our relationship. And why did he need a rest of all things? He had done nothing but sleep in my house for two straight months, followed by a luxurious and relaxing holiday.

 

I begged him not to do it. I asked him why he was going to do that. He said to me that he felt there was nowhere for him to go in Adelaide - he needed to be somewhere familiar where he could think about things. I told him it was okay to go to Korea but not now, not like this while he was upset. He could go but take some time to calm down first. I told him he had said I had done so much for him in our relationship and now it was his turn to do something for me - not to get on the plane. But even as I said these things he went ahead and booked his flight for the next morning. This was even after he called the other airline to see if he could get his money back for the Cairns flight and wasn't able to do so. He literally threw that money away and booked the Korea flight despite the fact he didn't have much money.

 

I was in absolute shock. I was literally shaking. I went into the bathroom - I was so nauseated that I almost threw up. He came up behind me and patted my back soothingly while I dry retched. This was the man who was always loving and caring to me when I even injured myself slightly. He could clearly see my distress - yet it never once shook his resolve to leave me.

 

Then he began packing his things while I looked at him with despairing eyes. The same things he had just put back away in the cupboard just a few hours before. He said to me "don't worry Kylie - I will be back. Look - I am leaving all of these things here, see? I will be gone two or maximum four weeks. I'll think about my future and see if my parents will give me money to support me studying so I don't have to go to the farm"

 

It was true - he left a lot of clothes and even a few items that were precious to him in my wardrobe. So I felt assured somewhat by this message even though my guts were twisting inside me.

 

He asked me to help him pack and drive him to the airport. I agreed to do both. I thought if I didn't maybe I would never see him again.

After packing we had a few short hours to sleep. We went to bed. He gathered me into his arms tight, tight against him. He could feel me shaking uncontrollably next to him. But my emotional state didn't have any impact on his decision. He ended up falling asleep while I lay there, shaking in shock.

 

At the airport he promised to bring me back some presents, assured me he would be back soon. He cuddled me tightly, traced my lips with his finger, kissed me, stroked my hand and told me he loved me. We looked into each other's eyes for long, deep moments. I was looking to see reassurance in his gaze. After a while, he gently lay my head against his shoulder so I couldn't look at him anymore and held my head there. We kissed goodbye and he got on the plane a mere 12 hours after we had arrived at the same airport coming home from our dream holiday.

 

I told myself after he left that this is the man I loved and I must trust his word. He had given me his promise he would be back. Even so, I noticed a change in him right away. I knew his plane had landed Singapore for a long lay-over but I didn't hear from him for hours even though I had sent him a "Safe flight - I love you. Let me know when you are safe in Singapore" message after he left. He hadn't even read the message. A couple of anxious hours after waiting for him to reply to this message I called him. He answered. I asked if he was okay and was taken aback by the coldness in his manner. He said he was fine and had decided to do a city tour while he waited for his next flight. I asked him a bit about it and we had a brief conversation. I said I was worried about him and he said "I just need time and space". So I told him I would respect that. He said he would message me in Korea. He never once asked me how I was feeling or if I was okay.

 

I didn't know then but that was the last time I was ever to hear his voice.

 

For the next two weeks I lived a nightmare of uncertainty and anxiety. This time was nothing like the other times we had spent apart. He would throw me a crumb of a message, and I would reply and then he would break off mid-conversation and go silent for half a day or more. He had never treated me like that before. It made me crazy but at the same time I felt I must respect his request for time and space so I tried to be patient and wait for him to contact me each time. Worse yet, he never expressed any concern for me. He didn't ask me if I was okay, or give me any assurances again about coming back. He never so much as expressed any interest in my life or what I had been up to. Of course I noticed all of this, but I kept reminding myself that love and trust go hand and hand and I must trust his promise that he would be back and trust in his love for me.

 

For two weeks I lived in anxiety hell. I couldn't eat or sleep. I couldn't think. I continued to work but I felt like I was living in a sudden alternate nightmare universe. I barely knew who I was. I felt literally as if he had died, but in some ways it was worse than if he had died because he had CHOSEN to leave my life in this way.

 

I asked Alecc several times if we could talk on the phone but he always came up with an excuse. Still, I kept my emotional state to myself and kept our text interractions light and cheerful as I didn't want to add to his stress or put any pressure on him.

 

Finally after two weeks I decided I needed to know either way. I couldn't continue to live with this anxiety. So I told him I was very worried by the fact that he wasn't talking normally to me. That's when he told me that he couldn't be with me. I said I loved him and I believed he loved me and we could work things out together. I was willing to be patient and give him the time he needed as long as we could still be a couple. He said "I can't take care of you as love Kylie. We can be friends. In a while if I'm okay and you're okay we can go back to having fun together like we used to."

 

I felt my world shatter. This man told me he loved me many times, right up till the last moment I saw him. Furthermore, we had been a couple, in a relationship - we weren't just having "fun"! It meant much more than that to me and I thought to him too. I had believed all my life that love is powerful and can overcome any obstacle but here he was leaving our beautiful partnership as if it and I meant nothing to him and he wasn't even going to try to keep our relationship together.

 

After trying to ask him to still give us a chance and finding he had put up an irresistible wall and had made his irrevocable decision without ever discussing it with me, I asked him to return the frequent flyer points I had given him. He told me there was one left. That was all. No gratitude, no thanks, no guilt, no remorse for what he had put me through. No caring for the fact that I had supported him for two months while he lived in my house for free. I had also bought him many other things over our time together, always aware that he had little money and whatever he had he should save for his future.

 

I didn't berate, accuse or try to guilt him. I told him I was deeply sad but he didn't reply to this even though he read it. I said I couldn't understand him at all - he didn't even seem sad that we had ended like this.

 

Half an hour later I sent him a nice message saying that he had left suddenly, unexpectedly and based on high emotion and that he might find he regretted leaving after a while. We had been so happy together, had such a wonderful life together and everyone here loved him. He had made a home for himself with me and if he found he had changed his mind he would come back to nothing but a loving welcome from everyone here.

 

That was four weeks ago. To this day, Alecc has never even bothered to read this final loving message to him. I haven't heard from him since the day he told me (via text) that we were over as a couple.

 

What has been hardest about this situation for me was that we didn't go through a "normal" break up process. I think most couples who break up are discontented/unhappy for a while before one or other decides that the relationship is over. We were literally in love, joyously happy and arriving home from a dream holiday one night and 12 hours later I was seeing him off to Korea, as it turned out for the final time. Yes there would have been difficulties ahead for us in our future (his family, his visa issues, establishing his future), but I believed we were deeply and mutually in love and I was willing to be as patient, supportive and understanding as I needed to be to have him in my life.

 

I really cannot believe that I had a one-sided love. I am sure Alecc loved me too...our relationship simply could not have been faked. I am too smart about people for a start to be taken in by a con-artist. Furthermore, Alecc never tried to use me. I know I spent money on him but that was totally my free choice. He never expected that and he was always adamant that he wouldn't use me to achieve his goal residency. A cold-blooded trickster would have groomed me purposefully to that end.

 

Yet at the end he seemed to become a different person instantly. How could he fall utterly out of love with me somewhere between Adelaide and Singapore so that he never again showed me any caring or concern? How could he put me through those agonising two weeks of uncertainty? How can he not miss me and want to reach out to me? How can he forget me so quickly and thoroughly that he isn't even tempted to read my last message to him?

 

Because he never read that last message I have never tried to contact him after that day. I have since tried to educate myself about breakups and have read extensively about No Contact. Everyone seems to agree no contact is best for all parties concerned so I have resisted trying to reach out to him again.

 

Since I've never had a relationship before I find I am curious - how typical is it that a partner would literally and without warning just disappear? How common is it that the partner is never heard from again? Do you, more experienced folks think I will hear from him again? Do you think he misses me at all? Is there something a bit strange about his behaviour? Is it possible someone can love so shallowly that they can abandon their beloved on a sudden whim after a very minor misunderstanding?

 

I have spent the last few weeks trying to learn from the experience, and use it as a tool to grow stronger and become wiser. But it's just....really sad. We had a deep and beautiful and rare love connection and it's hard to imagine to myself I will ever find that again. I haven't before in my life so it's hard to believe there will be another guy for me.

 

Thank you so much anyone who has managed to read all the way to the end! Just writing it out is somewhat cathartic.

Edited November 13, 2015 by ValentineGirl

[spiderlily12]

Hi ValentineGirl

 

I read your long post... it was really beautiful and powerful and heartbreaking. It must be so tough for you to have waited so long for a meaningful first relationship and seemed to have had it, and yet had it disappear. Some of my friends have had similar experiences (ironically also with Korean/Overseas Asians, most of whom were studying here as international students), but at much younger ages so it was probably easier to recover from. We're also from Australia as well (Sydney).

 

I can tell from your posts that you are a sensitive, beautiful, very articulate person that's tried your best from what you've been told and brought up with to make the best of your relationship.

 

What I can say about (overseas born) Korean guys by observation (I'm not Korean, but I am Asian and my best friend is a Korean girl) is that they're very proud and at the same time extremely sensitive. More than all of the other Asian cultures, they're really concerned with appearance and people's judgement of them, and feel intense pressure to do well by their family and friends. As for your boyfriend he is not unlike some Korean guys I know who try to escape this pressure by escaping to another country (which especially if they have never traveled overseas before) appears to them "free" and "happy", but which because despite all their intentions they can never truly let go of the culture that raised them, doesn't really live up to their expectations and they're unhappy, and actually long for the familiarity of back home, and end up going back there and to their relationships back there.

 

I'm basing this all on what you've told me and there's many things I could be wrong about it but this is my interpretation of what he might have been thinking. May I ask are you Caucasian? Or something other than Asian? In any case I can tell you're extremely Westernized, and so there are some things which appear extremely normal to you here that would seem so strange to him - I can especially here it in the part where he tells you that you're making him a "bad, weird person". A lot of the things you are doing out of love, and which constitutes a healthy co-dependent relationship here in Australia, to him is compromising his values and his views of himself. Because he is constantly in a state of relying on you and depending on you, he feels he is not being a man, that he has no power in the relationship and the more you try to help him; the more overbearing and controlling you seem - making him want to run away from you. He is (somewhat stupidly) proud, and your love is suffocating him. Although the way you behave is normal to you, what you see as "persuasion" and "convincing" and your natural (and good!) faith in your own judgement and opinions and that he should as a matter of common sense come around to your opinion; to him will seem like you are the dominating partner in the relationship. Even the times when you feel like you are "compromising" and doing the right thing, to him will feel like the end of a long battle he didn't think he should have to fight in the first place - after all he is the man in the relationship! Added to that your age and obvious (emotional) maturity, it's no wonder that he may feel somewhat belittled by you.

 

NOT your fault. Everything you did was normal and definitely healthy in a regular relationship where your boyfriend would have felt equally strongly and confidently about his own position in his life - you would have had a big fight, and ended up compromising and come out stronger; both of you not taking a big dent or bruise in your ego in the process.

 

But for him, because of cultural and socioeconomic differences (no money, no job, no friends) would be hugely different.

 

Why then was it you may ask that you were so happy at first and at times he seemed like he loved you and his life with you so much. I think you are right, it wasn't a lie and he definitely did feel those things. I think he was really torn. On one hand he really wanted to throw away those old relationships and social pressures- he obviously burned a lot of bridges with his family coming to Australia - and he really wanted to change his mind view. He may also have been trying to convince himself that what he had with you was better - and it many ways he believed it, hence when things were good they were great. He would have been thinking- yes this is what I was looking for when I came to Australia, I am living my dream. At these times he would tell you the things you wanted to hear, because he is truly feeling it and wants to share it with you to make your happy.

 

And yet the reality is no relationship is every 100% happy. Every time things were down (and he might have not even let you know when things are down - he would have considered it a weakness) he would question himself and his decisions. Add to that your age and how incredibly seriously you were treating this relationship (with good reason), he knew that he would have to get married to you. All those material things that he thought didn't matter would rush back to haunt him: his family would never, ever accept you; would he stay in Australia and bum off you forever? Even if he did get a job it would be a menial job - could he be really happy. Even Australia, the place he thought was going to be so wonderful, was probably not really living up to his expectations; it's often that way with people who only see another country through the rose-colored lens of TV and Media.

 

Anyway these are all just my theories. It all just cumulated in it being too much for him, too much stress and pressure. He went back to Korea where things were comfortable and he knew how things worked and where people behaved the way he was used to. To be honest, I think once he calms down he may regret his decision or along long for Australia (especially once he settles back into the rat-race), but I think you know now that despite his good intentions and promises; he really wasn't mentally or socially equipped to give you the relationship you wanted.

 

Sorry this is sooo long. I just thought your post was so beautiful and well-written and wanted to write something long and detailed just like that as a response. I'm here for you (PM me) if you wanna keep talking. I know when I went through relationship problems all I wanted to do was talk about it - so I'm here for you to talk about it as long as you like and include as many details as you want.

 

You're clearly a beautiful soul and a wonderful girlfriend. That relationship wasn't meant to be. It's cliched but you will find someone who is ready (and able) to commit to you the way you want one day.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're in such pain, OP. It is palpable through your post.

 

First, how old is he? You mentioned he's 13 years younger than you. Age sometimes isn't just a number. It also often corresponds to emotional maturity and life experience. If he is young, he was unlikely to be ready for the commitment you were seeking despite his words.

 

Second, the fact that he wanted to make you his girlfriend after knowing you such a short time and only spending a couple days together in person is concerning. Rushing like that isn't generally a good thing. It sometimes indicates impulsiveness, and a tendency to jump into things without thinking anything through. This type of impulsive behaviour can spell trouble for some people, as you're seeing now.

 

Third, him preventing you from visiting him at his first job posting is strange and would have made me quite suspicious. There was a reason he didn't want you coming there and it probably wasn't what he told you.

 

Finally, it is important to begin to accept that you and he experienced this relationship differently. You were crazy in love and your feeling ran deep; I suspect he loved you on some level but wasn't really as invested as you were. He didn't mention you in future plans. You bent over backwards trying to please him and it seems he did very little in return. You say love and trust go hand-in-hand...true, but that love needs to be reciprocal and that trust needs to be there for a good reason.

 

No, his behavior isn't typical and indicates he's just not ready for what you want. You sound like a very kind and loving person and you deserve a heck of a lot more than what this guy was offering. Yes, he said a lot of great things but didn't do much to back it up. He had no direction, no plan, no sense of what he wants. That doesn't bode well for a relationship. Take care of yourself now and go No Contact with him. He's not adding anything to your life at this point and further attempts to reach out are going to bring you pain, I think.

[ValentineGirl]

Spiderlily thank you for your caring, thoughtful and insightful reply. It's interesting that you have Asian heritage and are able to provide me with a non-Western point of view on my ex-boyfriend's behaviour.

 

To answer your question, yes I'm Caucasian, and I was born and grew up in Australia.

 

What I can say about (overseas born) Korean guys by observation (I'm not Korean, but I am Asian and my best friend is a Korean girl) is that they're very proud and at the same time extremely sensitive. More than all of the other Asian cultures, they're really concerned with appearance and people's judgement of them, and feel intense pressure to do well by their family and friends. As for your boyfriend he is not unlike some Korean guys I know who try to escape this pressure by escaping to another country (which especially if they have never traveled overseas before) appears to them "free" and "happy", but which because despite all their intentions they can never truly let go of the culture that raised them, doesn't really live up to their expectations and they're unhappy, and actually long for the familiarity of back home, and end up going back there and to their relationships back there.

 

Yes! All of this rang really true for me with Alecc. He definitely had the personality you described and despite truly not wanting to live the Korean lifestyle anymore he returned there like a shot when he had his first upsetting communication with me.

 

A lot of the things you are doing out of love, and which constitutes a healthy co-dependent relationship here in Australia, to him is compromising his values and his views of himself. Because he is constantly in a state of relying on you and depending on you, he feels he is not being a man, that he has no power in the relationship and the more you try to help him; the more overbearing and controlling you seem - making him want to run away from you. He is (somewhat stupidly) proud, and your love is suffocating him. Although the way you behave is normal to you, what you see as "persuasion" and "convincing" and your natural (and good!) faith in your own judgement and opinions and that he should as a matter of common sense come around to your opinion; to him will seem like you are the dominating partner in the relationship. Even the times when you feel like you are "compromising" and doing the right thing, to him will feel like the end of a long battle he didn't think he should have to fight in the first place - after all he is the man in the relationship! Added to that your age and obvious (emotional) maturity, it's no wonder that he may feel somewhat belittled by you.

 

At the time, I was aware of the potential problems of me being the older, more mature and stable person in our relationship. I really tried not to be the "leader" in our relationship, tried not to direct or judge him or tell him what he should do. I tried to wait for him to lead our relationship through all the various steps of getting closer. But all of my good intentions of going slowly ceased when he came and landed at my doorstep. That was definitely his decision - to leave his job so suddenly and come and live with me. He didn't even ask me if he could do that - just announced it to me. I didn't try to keep him with me but he lost all motivation while he lived with me. Yes I did try to help him find work and direction - all partly out of concern that his lack of motivation would be bad for him and ultimately our relationship.

 

Your comments are very insightful and accurate about the fact that he wasn't able to be fully be "the man" in our relationship. But at the same time he could have been if he had been willing to take full charge of responsibility for his life and decision to become an Australian. He really put himself in a hopeless situation for no other reason than his tiredness and his lack of ability to do the hard work he needed to do to get himself on his feet. I never judged him for that and I tried to help him. But of course trying to "help" him ultimately backfired on me.

 

NOT your fault. Everything you did was normal and definitely healthy in a regular relationship where your boyfriend would have felt equally strongly and confidently about his own position in his life - you would have had a big fight, and ended up compromising and come out stronger; both of you not taking a big dent or bruise in your ego in the process.

 

But for him, because of cultural and socioeconomic differences (no money, no job, no friends) would be hugely different.

 

Yes I fully agree!

 

Anyway these are all just my theories. It all just cumulated in it being too much for him, too much stress and pressure. He went back to Korea where things were comfortable and he knew how things worked and where people behaved the way he was used to. To be honest, I think once he calms down he may regret his decision or along long for Australia (especially once he settles back into the rat-race), but I think you know now that despite his good intentions and promises; he really wasn't mentally or socially equipped to give you the relationship you wanted.

 

I think your theories are very insightful and accurate and are definitely points I have considered when I have tried to understand all of this.

 

Alecc was trying to do something so difficult most people wouldn't even consider it - immigrate to a new country where he would have difficulty with the language, a totally different culture and leaving behind all his friends and family, effectively cutting himself off from their support and doing it all alone. Had he been a tougher, more practical person who was willing to do what it took to achieve his goals I'm sure he could have done it. But he wasn't that person - he was gentle, sensitive and indecisive. And of course I would probably never have fallen for him had he been that tougher person anyway. I have often thought to myself the only way he could have succeeded would have been if he had accepted my help as his partner. But he was adamant in refusing any help from me or my family so ended up feeling totally hopeless, isolated and alone even when he had people he could have turned to for strength, help and support.

 

Sorry this is sooo long. I just thought your post was so beautiful and well-written and wanted to write something long and detailed just like that as a response. I'm here for you (PM me) if you wanna keep talking. I know when I went through relationship problems all I wanted to do was talk about it - so I'm here for you to talk about it as long as you like and include as many details as you want.

 

Thank you so much for reaching out to me! I can feel your warm heart and I really appreciate your kindness, sensitivity and understanding. I will definitely PM you to say hi. Thank you for offering me support and kindness! I am touched - it brings tears to my eyes.

 

You're clearly a beautiful soul and a wonderful girlfriend. That relationship wasn't meant to be. It's cliched but you will find someone who is ready (and able) to commit to you the way you want one day.

 

I hope so, but at my age it's also easy to lose hope. I am trying to work on learning to have more faith in life and be more positive about my future and my potential to find someone who can love me in a mature and totally reciprocal, healthy relationship

[ValentineGirl]

First, how old is he? You mentioned he's 13 years younger than you. Age sometimes isn't just a number. It also often corresponds to emotional maturity and life experience. If he is young, he was unlikely to be ready for the commitment you were seeking despite his words.

 

Alecc was 25 years old

 

Second, the fact that he wanted to make you his girlfriend after knowing you such a short time and only spending a couple days together in person is concerning. Rushing like that isn't generally a good thing. It sometimes indicates impulsiveness, and a tendency to jump into things without thinking anything through. This type of impulsive behaviour can spell trouble for some people, as you're seeing now.

 

Yes you are absolutely right. Looking at Alecc from my current perspective I do see a pattern of impulsivity.

- He made the decision to leave his native country forever and within a month he was in Australia

- Having met me online he decided he wanted to meet me in person even though it cost him time and money he didn't really have to spare

- Having met me in person he asked me the day we met to be his girlfriend

- Having committed to six months in Uluru, after only four he abruptly quit here and landed on my doorstep, having nowhere else to go

- He decided to go to Cairns despite all the effort we had gone to to find him work near my home

- Having booked the flight to Cairns he suddenly booked the second flight to Korea on the same night and left suddenly with no warning, even leaving half his things and clothes in my home

 

Third, him preventing you from visiting him at his first job posting is strange and would have made me quite suspicious. There was a reason he didn't want you coming there and it probably wasn't what he told you

 

Well no one I've talked to about that can understand his attitude, but at the same time I don't think he had any really underhanded motivation. The bad part about his attitude was I ended up feeling like the "convenient" girlfriend - someone he could tuck away and leave for months at a time, maintaining a long distance relationship while he had complete freedom to go anywhere he liked. Apparently all of his previous relationships had been conducted that way.

 

Finally, it is important to begin to accept that you and he experienced this relationship differently. You were crazy in love and your feeling ran deep; I suspect he loved you on some level but wasn't really as invested as you were. He didn't mention you in future plans. You bent over backwards trying to please him and it seems he did very little in return. You say love and trust go hand-in-hand...true, but that love needs to be reciprocal and that trust needs to be there for a good reason.

 

Yes you are totally right and as sad as it is to accept I know even though he loved me it ended up being shallow and meaningless....and ultimately he could discard and forget me within 24 hours of telling me he loved me.

 

No, his behavior isn't typical and indicates he's just not ready for what you want. You sound like a very kind and loving person and you deserve a heck of a lot more than what this guy was offering. Yes, he said a lot of great things but didn't do much to back it up. He had no direction, no plan, no sense of what he wants. That doesn't bode well for a relationship. Take care of yourself now and go No Contact with him. He's not adding anything to your life at this point and further attempts to reach out are going to bring you pain, I think.

 

You again are right and as painful as it is I know I need to accept this reality. I have the kind of personality where I would do anything for the person I love and once I love I tend to be loyal to that love. But he clearly has gone forever and I need to accept this for my own sake.

Edited November 13, 2015 by ValentineGirl

[ExpatInItaly]

Alecc was 25 years old

 

 

 

Yes you are absolutely right. Looking at Alecc from my current perspective I do see a pattern of impulsivity.

- He made the decision to leave his native country forever and within a month he was in Australia

- Having met me online he decided he wanted to meet me in person even though it cost him time and money he didn't really have to spare

- Having met me in person he asked me the day we met to be his girlfriend

- Having committed to six months in Uluru, after only four he abruptly quit here and landed on my doorstep, having nowhere else to go

- He decided to go to Cairns despite all the effort we had gone to to find him work near my home

- Having booked the flight to Cairns he suddenly booked the second flight to Korea on the same night and left suddenly with no warning, even leaving half his things and clothes in my home

 

 

 

Well no one I've talked to about that can understand his attitude, but at the same time I don't think he had any really underhanded motivation. The bad part about his attitude was I ended up feeling like the "convenient" girlfriend - someone he could tuck away and leave for months at a time, maintaining a long distance relationship while he had complete freedom to go anywhere he liked. Apparently all of his previous relationships had been conducted that way.

 

 

 

Yes you are totally right and as sad as it is to accept I know even though he loved me it ended up being shallow and meaningless....and ultimately he could discard and forget me within 24 hours of telling me he loved me.

 

 

 

You again are right and as painful as it is I know I need to accept this reality. I have the kind of personality where I would do anything for the person I love and once I love I tend to be loyal to that love. But he clearly has gone forever and I need to accept this for my own sake.

 

Next time, make sure to direct that loving energy towards someone who actually deserves it, and will reciprocate. In this case, there was no time for him to show you who he really was before you both dove right in.

 

And honestly, he sounds immature even for 25. You don't want to be someone's mother.

[NoLeafClover]

This is sad. Unfortunately people do this. They might think they know what they want and change their mind shortly after.

 

Honestly I think you did the right things. I couldn't have asked for more from someone as a partner. I have many friends who are either international students here in the states or work in the hospital with working VISA's that they have to renew every year; i can understand the stress one has to go through.

 

To run into a potential partner that is willing to provide some type of 'shelter', make an effort to visit you hours away and even give you the option to remain in that country legally without having to worry about renewing a working visa or student visa - is like the perfect package for many.

One doesn't have to take that option but the fact you were willing to help him to that point shows how your much you really loved him and that you were in this relationship for the long term.

 

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. I give you an A+ for the efforts and the things you were planning to do for him. If he decided to walk away from all this then something is really wrong with him.

 

Personally I would have not done something like this for any woman I dated for less than a year. Reason being..well people start to show their true colors during that time period. That is exactly what happened in your case.

 

I would not contact him. If he contacts you tell him he burned down his bridges with you and not to contact you ever again.

I know it sounds a bit harsh but the thing is, people like this are only about themselves. They are all nice and sweet, say the right things and do the right things just to get their way. As soon as another door opens for them though, they leave you dry.

He sounds just like that (and I hate judging people by not giving them a chance) but to walk away after you did so much for him. Turning his back on you after you provided a home, place of comfort, introduced you to your family and even took him on vacation..that is the ultimate betrayal.

 

Don't worry about this loser. Move to the next one. There are many men that look into similar qualities in a woman.

[hippychick3]

I'm so sorry, Valentine Girl. I can only imagine the pain of such a betrayal of your love. 8 months is definitely long enough to get attached, fall in love, and feel heartbroken when it ends. But, it's a blessing that it wasn't years of your life that would have been wasted. There are countless stories of men who disappear seemingly out of the blue with no explanation. What he did was so cruel that even if he were to come back at some point (they almost all seem to make contact again eventually), he would not deserve a minute of your time.

 

Only time can heal the pain, and I admire you for not contacting him again. It will get better, and some day you will meet someone worthy of your love. Use this as a lesson in the future to move more slowly and not trust a man who is so impulsive and immature.

[ValentineGirl]

Next time, make sure to direct that loving energy towards someone who actually deserves it, and will reciprocate. In this case, there was no time for him to show you who he really was before you both dove right in.

 

And honestly, he sounds immature even for 25. You don't want to be someone's mother

 

Your advice is really wise...I know it's the advice I should listen to and try to apply. The hard part is finding that worthy man. I realise now how almost impossible it is and how lucky you need to be to find him

[ValentineGirl]

This is sad. Unfortunately people do this. They might think they know what they want and change their mind shortly after.

 

Yes I am realising that...The problem is it is really hard for me to relate to because I tend to be very thoughtful about my life and am careful to think about consequences of decisions. I also never say something to someone that I don't mean, especially to a loved one. It's a tough lesson to learn - that not everyone means what they say or is able to be honourable in their actions.

 

Honestly I think you did the right things. I couldn't have asked for more from someone as a partner. I have many friends who are either international students here in the states or work in the hospital with working VISA's that they have to renew every year; i can understand the stress one has to go through.

 

To run into a potential partner that is willing to provide some type of 'shelter', make an effort to visit you hours away and even give you the option to remain in that country legally without having to worry about renewing a working visa or student visa - is like the perfect package for many.

One doesn't have to take that option but the fact you were willing to help him to that point shows how your much you really loved him and that you were in this relationship for the long term.

 

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. I give you an A+ for the efforts and the things you were planning to do for him. If he decided to walk away from all this then something is really wrong with him.

 

Wow - thank you for being so kind in your assessment! I did what I would do for anyone I love. I know many people would just call me foolish. Thanks for not doing so!

 

People like this are only about themselves. They are all nice and sweet, say the right things and do the right things just to get their way. As soon as another door opens for them though, they leave you dry.

He sounds just like that (and I hate judging people by not giving them a chance) but to walk away after you did so much for him. Turning his back on you after you provided a home, place of comfort, introduced you to your family and even took him on vacation..that is the ultimate betrayal.

 

Yes...I guess you are right....I never thought I would finally fall in love with someone who was really unworthy of my love and care. I still can't really believe it and I still love him despite how he acted and how he turned his back on me so completely. My heart just isn't that changeable. I can't understand how his could be....

 

Don't worry about this loser. Move to the next one. There are many men that look into similar qualities in a woman.

 

Aw - thank you! I want to believe you but so far have had no luck at all finding a man who really thinks I am a valuable person worthy of the kind of love and caring I want to give to a special someone in my life. How does one meet such a guy? It's very disheartening.

[ValentineGirl]

It's a blessing that it wasn't years of your life that would have been wasted. There are countless stories of men who disappear seemingly out of the blue with no explanation.

 

Thanks so much for your kindness and empathy! It helps a lot!

 

Yes since this happened to me I have had my eyes opened by going online and seeing there are literally thousands of abandoned souls out there, each with a very sad story. You're right - many were married for decades before the sudden abandonment and I am very grateful that wasn't the case for me.

 

What he did was so cruel that even if he were to come back at some point (they almost all seem to make contact again eventually), he would not deserve a minute of your time.

 

I don't want to call him cruel or judge his behaviour but actually you're right. He was extremely cold, callous and cruel in the end. He wasn't the person I fell in love with. He turned around so quickly from love to total disinterest I still can't quite process it. I'm trying not to wish him back into my life again and believe I would be strong enough to refuse him...but also a tiny part of me wants to hear from him. It's so hard....

 

Only time can heal the pain, and I admire you for not contacting him again. It will get better, and some day you will meet someone worthy of your love. Use this as a lesson in the future to move more slowly and not trust a man who is so impulsive and immature.

 

Thanks for your really helpful, sweet and positive words of encouragement. It's really amazing to have this support from you and the other people who have read my post and left me messages. It helps a lot!

[Truth34]

I also read the whole post, OP! Some thoughtful responses above, and I cant add much but a simple sorry. That must have been a terrible few weeks, and I understand the completely helpless feeling that overcomes someone in that situation. I know I have experienced it, and never going through it before, I was shocked by how the body reacts to heartbreak.

 

Stay strong, keep smiling, and trust that there are others out there that can make you feel euphoric again.

[ValentineGirl]

I also read the whole post, OP! Some thoughtful responses above, and I cant add much but a simple sorry. That must have been a terrible few weeks, and I understand the completely helpless feeling that overcomes someone in that situation. I know I have experienced it, and never going through it before, I was shocked by how the body reacts to heartbreak.

 

Stay strong, keep smiling, and trust that there are others out there that can make you feel euphoric again.

 

Truth thank you so much for reaching out to me. I am very sorry to hear you have been through a similar situation. I hope you have moved on to a really positive life after going through that?

 

May I ask you what OP stands for? I know - newbie question! Sorry for being ignorant!

[Truth34]

I have been doing better! Its been over four months since my situation, and while I still think of her everyday, my mood no longer suffers like it used to. But the initial two months was a different story.

 

OP is "original poster"

 

Have a good day Valentine Girl! It gets better.

[madde]

Hello, Valentinegirl! I also read your long and interesting post and first of all I wanted to say - you are such a strong and beautiful personality. I feel how much pain is coming out from your written lines. Maybe now it feels like the end of your world, but I can promise that after some time will pass, it gets better. I am 4 months after break up - my ex boyfriend turned as different person in one moment and I don't know the exactly reason to nowadays - I feel that it was something with his family. First months are hard but after some time the "why" starts to bother you less. There is big urge to contact him and get answers - don't ever consider do this, it only will increase your pain. I stayed in NC right exactly after last meeting and I think it speaks to him in volume. There is better days and there is very hard days, but just keep going through these days and be very gentle on yourself - you deserve the best and someday you will meet the person that will treat you as you deserve. Stay strong, honey!

[ValentineGirl]

Hello, Valentinegirl! I also read your long and interesting post and first of all I wanted to say - you are such a strong and beautiful personality. I feel how much pain is coming out from your written lines. Maybe now it feels like the end of your world, but I can promise that after some time will pass, it gets better. I am 4 months after break up - my ex boyfriend turned as different person in one moment and I don't know the exactly reason to nowadays - I feel that it was something with his family. First months are hard but after some time the "why" starts to bother you less. There is big urge to contact him and get answers - don't ever consider do this, it only will increase your pain. I stayed in NC right exactly after last meeting and I think it speaks to him in volume. There is better days and there is very hard days, but just keep going through these days and be very gentle on yourself - you deserve the best and someday you will meet the person that will treat you as you deserve. Stay strong, honey!

 

Thank you so much for reaching out to me, Madde! Your kindness and caring really help a lot. You have a beautiful soul too, I can tell!

 

Did you share your breakup story here too? It's the most bewildering thing when the person you love instantly becomes someone you don't recognise. You're right - no matter how long you think about it you can't find a reason and in the end you have to accept the irrationality and lack of closure.

 

I hope I meet the right guy soon! I hope you do too!

[madde]

Thank you for your kind words! You can read my thread there on LS : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/542547-dealing-anxiety

I hope you can read there very useful things for yourself - help from people around here helped me to get through one of the darkest times of my life. Remember that you are not alone and can always ask for help - asking for help doesn't mean you are weak. It means you have courage to see the truth

If you have questions or you just want to talk, you can ask and write me personaly to my email [email protected] I will be grateful to get your mail. I know have hard it could be and how important is not to stay alone. Hugs!

[hestheone66]

I think he in his immature way loved you. But clearly there was an imbalance in the level of love between the two of you. no matter what, a broken heart and abandonment especially the first one is devastating..to think that your dreams of future plans are shattered.

Take some time to heal. Be kind to yourself and remember that the happy memories will give you comfort. At that point on time you were hopelessly euphorically in love.

Yes he was cold at the end. His tiredness during his stay with you is likely a symptom of depression (maybe he has bipolar). But his wrench away is an act of kindness..as they say if you live something set it free...he may have genuinely wanted to be with you but not strong enough to overcome his own realities...by not giving you falsehope he gave you the gift of moving on sooner..

 

Love sucks but is sublime. Don't give up. Remember if you value yourself and maintain strong boundaries you are less likely to set yourself up to fail.

[ValentineGirl]

I think he in his immature way loved you. But clearly there was an imbalance in the level of love between the two of you.

 

Yes I realise that now. He loved me but not deeply. Not deeply enough to love unconditionally.

 

Yes he was cold at the end. His tiredness during his stay with you is likely a symptom of depression (maybe he has bipolar).

 

Yes I realise now there is something not quite right in his thinking. It's beyond mere cultural, maturity or age differences.

 

But his wrench away is an act of kindness..as they say if you live something set it free...he may have genuinely wanted to be with you but not strong enough to overcome his own realities...by not giving you false hope he gave you the gift of moving on sooner..

 

Love sucks but is sublime. Don't give up. Remember if you value yourself and maintain strong boundaries you are less likely to set yourself up to fail.

 

You are really wise and so kind to give me such generous support and uplifting words. I am making it my mission every day to be stronger, more loving and more believing in love despite my experience. It's the only positive thing I can take away from it in my mind.

[hestheone66]

I learned this from Dr Phil. The only unconditional love we have should be for our children when they are children. All other love needs boundaries to keep both sides healthy.