mysonmyworld Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Background: Me:25; one son with my bf Him: 29; 2 sons from previous marriage who live out of state. We have been together for 2 years, the first year was long distance, our son is 8 months. We have officially been living together for a year. Yes, this relationship moved very fast very quickly. He is a military veteran and has been in the civilian world for a year now. When things started out they were great, he was a gentlemen. He traveled to my state every weekend. I met some parts of his family who are all military and spread across the U.S. within months of us dating. We talked about life goals, family, values, everything. We were happy. When I found out I was pregnant he was happy. Before I found out I was pregnant we had plans to see his entire family at their annual beach trip, so we thought it would be a good time to break the news then. They were happy we were happy, at that time I was 4 months in September of 2014. We still lived in seperate states. Now things change. His last official day in the military was in September as well. He had been offered a job in Texas, through a military buddy, that he was really happy about and he wanted me and the baby to live their also. I told him to go down and once he was situated we would follow. Well, the job wasnt expected and he was left to live off unemployment. He never really looked for a job, just complained to me everyday about how he couldn't take care of him self so he played video games all day. By this time it's Christmas and he was reimbursed through the military for his travel so we were able to visit his family in Chicago, because once the baby got here I wouldn't be traveling lol. He treated me like ****. I was 7 or 8 months. He didn't hold my hand, help me with my bags, would walk really fast, didn't sleep with me, played the video game the whole time. He didn't want to go anywhere, even though it was my first time there. He was just an ass. I just said he was depressed about all the changes in his life and maybe i was hormonal. At this point he still had no job and returned to Texas and I returned home to Alabama. After that incident I was convinced it was over and I would be doing this alone. But he apologized and said he was stressed. He felt like he couldn't take care of his family and seeing me brought that realization into full effect. Well, we moved forward and he decided Texas wasn't for him and he moved to alabama with me. I found an apartment . Paid for everything with my taxes, rent, bills, deposit because I knew I would be on maternity leave soon. He told me that he had been putting in apps in Texas for Alabama and he had a couple interviews down here and was ready to work. This was a LIE. I had my son in March he played video games every single day, night and day. Didn't help me at all. I fed, changed, burped and took care of our son. Stayed up at night, I cleaned, cooked and he literally sat in the same spot without moving. He didn't wish me a happy mothers day, nothing. I don't even think he looked at me. He still had no job. Turns out my company denied my maternity leave and I had no job to return to. He knew this and still didn't look for a job. It's now May and all the money has run dry, my savings are gone from paying bills, I have no money, I'm stressed crying everyday, yelling at him, going crazy. He FINALLY gets a job after months of us struggling. I think things are going to change, but no there worse than ever. I currently am getting unemployment and am able to stay at home with my son, it's much cheaper than daycare. I go back to work in January. I currently pay all my bills, and he only has to worry about rent. We don't sleep together, we don't talk, he gets off work and gets on the video game and talks to his brothers. I'm the only one that takes care of our son. I sprained my ankle and it was swollen, I asked if he could give our son a bath and bottle. He didn't respond. I still ended up doing it while he continued to play video games. We can go days without talking, he's off on weekends and doesn't want to do any family activities. I found out recently that he told his Coworkers that he is a single dad, but he tells his family we're engaged. I want to end it , but parts of me hold on to how we were in the beginning. I'm lost and don't know what to do. At this point I consider us roommates and we merely tolerate each other for the sake of our son. I must add in private and to our families he loves our son, but if I tag him in a photo of our son on Facebook he doesn't allow it to show on his timeline. Don't get me wrong he has a photo of him on there, but doesn't mention he's in a relationship. If someone asks if he's in a relationship he doesn't respond. He tells his military buddies the reason he moved to Alabama is because he was offered a fantastic job not for me or his son. I'm lost can someone help?
ASG Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Why are you even asking whether you should break up with him or not?? You don't have a relationship. Kick him out! Now. Or find somewhere else to live. Now! You don't need to be carrying dead weight around, and that's what he is. Sure, it's a shame he's not adjusting to life outside the military, but it doesn't seem like he's even TRYING to adjust. And he's also not behaving like a normal human being that has just had a child. Run. Don't walk. 1
Glitters Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 He doesnt have the capacity to handle stress and responsibility.He is father of 3 sons , was in military, is depressed and your relationship moved way too fast. I'm of the opinion that the slower the better. Yes, it needs to move forward but being aware of circumstances as well. You are too young to be caught up in this drama.Let go ( I know, easier said than done).But sometimes you have to make tough decisions.
sandylee1 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 He is off little to zero benefit. Time to kick him out , arrange visitation and tell him if he gets his sh**together he can let you know...but there are no guarantees you'll want to reunit. He has some serious growing up to so. You have to mean business. Sit down with him and tell him why you've reached this decision. From the behaviour in Texas...to his total lack of responsibility with your son. You're better off on your own than with him right now. You don't need to be mean to him...just speak calmly and don't get emotional....you need your son to grow up seeing a responsible man for a father.....He's not that man. 1
mystikmind2005 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 its weird, very weird.... i mean any guy who was a dad already would be keen to show off what he knows about looking after the baby? Even if he put little effort with the previous children, it still should be the case? But a lack of motivation on that scale is a clear sign of serious depression? 1
Author mysonmyworld Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 I do think he is depressed. He makes 20 dollars an hour and gets paid every week, but with child support, back support, insurance for all the boys, his insurance being taken out. He brings home roughly 250- 300 a week. It's been over a year since he last seen his other boys, we can't afford to send them here and he can't go to them. Also most of his family lives in chicago so he here with just me. His ex wife messed up his credit so he cant get an apartment in his name nor afford one. I want it to work, but it doesn't seem like it.
hippychick3 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Your only chance for happiness and self-respect is to leave him for good. This is not a responsible, mature, or emotionally available man. You couldn't do much worse than him. Please get out and make a good life for you and your son and make sure you get whatever child support you can get. You are now responsible for another human being. You don't want to teach your son that this is the way to treat his mother. Growing up in this environment will teach him exactly that.
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I genuinely am struggling to figure out why you're lost or struggling with this decision. You say you are holding onto how it was at the beginning, but it sounds like you guys barely had a beginning before pregnancy and living together came into the mix. I mean, you can't have been together even a year before you were pregnant right? In most relationships the honeymoon period is still going by that point so what you're holding onto isn't exactly a long term, stable, loving and secure relationship, you're holding on because you recall how things were when you were both in the first flush or love or infatuation. Things may have been awesome back then, as they are in the vast majority of new relationships, but now you've seen what he's like as a real partner and a father, you're never going to be able to go back to those unencumbered times and make things as good as they were back then. Not now you have responsibilities, and a child together. It's never going to get any better. Frankly I'm amazed you've put up with it for this long. Have you had any therapy for low self esteem before? Because I can't fathom why you would put up with any of this for you and your son. The lack of working, not putting in any effort with his child, telling people that he's single, treating you like **** while you were pregnant, refusing to do even SOME childcare while you had an injury, the constant video games to the detriment of his family? ANY of those things should be enough to have you seriously considering leaving the relationship and wanting better for you and your son. There are men out there who will treat you with respect, love and care, you and your son, and who'll be happy to provide for you when you are in unable to work for whatever reason. This guy is a total deadbeat. I'd ask what the story is with his last relationship and family is but it's honestly at this point irrelevant. I'm sure you can do a far better job at raising your son alone than you can dragging dead weight behind you. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 That you would describe your connection to him only as "my child's father" is telling. What clearer message could he send than telling coworkers and friends he's single? Doesn't matter if you leave him, for all intents and purposes he's already left you. You have a child depending on you, time to be realistic about your situation and move forward with your life. Keep posting, lots of support here... Mr. Lucky 1
mystikmind2005 Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I do think he is depressed. He makes 20 dollars an hour and gets paid every week, but with child support, back support, insurance for all the boys, his insurance being taken out. He brings home roughly 250- 300 a week. It's been over a year since he last seen his other boys, we can't afford to send them here and he can't go to them. Also most of his family lives in chicago so he here with just me. His ex wife messed up his credit so he cant get an apartment in his name nor afford one. I want it to work, but it doesn't seem like it. hmmm, well, i think his ex wife messed up allot more than his credit. This is messed up.... others are saying get out, but these children need their father, at least try to get him some help for depression and couples counseling, if he won't, sadly, you have to move on.
Lois_Griffin Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 LOL...telling everyone he's a 'single dad.' He means he's a single sperm donor because he's hardly father material. He already has two OTHER kids he doesn't see or invest in. This guy is probably the dead last person on earth I'd ever have a kid with. Time to pull this dead relationship off life support and give it the burial it so richly deserves. Get your financial ducks in a row. Get down to the courthouse and file a child support order because deadbeat daddy isn't going to do the right thing by your son once you get away from him. He's not doing the right thing now, so don't expect him to man up after you go. I hate to say it, but your son is just going to be yet another kid he doesn't invest in. That guy needs a vasectomy. You know what you need to do and you really don't need anyone to tell you. Just do it. 1
MJJean Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I was once married and had two children with a guy who -didn't help around the house or with childcare -couldn't/wouldn't keep a job -had a two kids he didn't financially or emotionally support -lied I've been where you are. Get out. Get out now. The longer you delay, the worse it will be for you and your son in terms of mental and emotional damage. The best decision I ever made was to leave. This man is not a father, he's not a husband/partner. He's just a toxic disaster of a person that you don't want being your sons example of manhood. 3
anika99 Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 hmmm, well, i think his ex wife messed up allot more than his credit. This is messed up.... others are saying get out, but these children need their father, at least try to get him some help for depression and couples counseling, if he won't, sadly, you have to move on. I wouldn't be so quick to blame the ex wife. This guy isn't who he pretended to be when he and the OP first started dating and I bet the ex wife was putting up with the same crap and kicked his butt out. Guys like this always have lots of sad stories about how everything is always someone else's fault. If he loved being in the military so much then why leave at only 29yrs old? Dishonourable discharge perhaps? OP as I already said, he is not the person you thought he was. He brings absolutely nothing to this relationship. Until recently he was just a freeloader and now he's like a border. And what is up with him denying you and his son even exist? That's very disturbing. You need to get him out of your house sooner rather than later. If he wants to be in his sons life then visitation can be arranged but somehow I doubt he will even try. Sometimes you just have to admit that you made a mistake, cut your losses and call it a day. 3
kendahke Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I want to end it , but parts of me hold on to how we were in the beginning. Stop doing that. It's not going to return to that. He will say what he needs to say to lull you back into a stupor--and you'll be thinking things are back to how they were in the beginning instead of recognizing this manipulation tactic for what it is. He has been showing you for a long, long time that he is not that man. Who you fell in love with was his representative---and he got dismissed when he left the military; the real him came to the fore and that's who your life is with now. I'm lost and don't know what to do. At this point I consider us roommates and we merely tolerate each other for the sake of our son. I must add in private and to our families he loves our son, but if I tag him in a photo of our son on Facebook he doesn't allow it to show on his timeline. Don't get me wrong he has a photo of him on there, but doesn't mention he's in a relationship. If someone asks if he's in a relationship he doesn't respond. He tells his military buddies the reason he moved to Alabama is because he was offered a fantastic job not for me or his son. I'm lost can someone help? He is showing you that you don't matter. Does he take care of his other two children? What is his relationship with their mother like? Is it like yours? If it is, did you not notice that huge red flag? Since you are already taking care of your son by yourself, him not being there really won't make a difference. You are just not going to have a two parent household nor are you going to marry, it appears. Bend your mind to taking care of this child and stop trying to keep a man around who clearly doesn't want to be with you. Having to tolerate someone in your own home is no way to live, nor is it a healthy example to teach your son about what love between a man and a woman is. 1
kendahke Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 (edited) I do think he is depressed. He makes 20 dollars an hour and gets paid every week, but with child support, back support, insurance for all the boys, his insurance being taken out. He brings home roughly 250- 300 a week. It's been over a year since he last seen his other boys, we can't afford to send them here and he can't go to them. Also most of his family lives in chicago so he here with just me. His ex wife messed up his credit so he cant get an apartment in his name nor afford one. I want it to work, but it doesn't seem like it. He should put some money towards getting snipped. He's got too many children and not enough funds to support them if you're talking about back support, too. He messed up his own credit by being irresponsible. His ex stood up for her sons to make sure that he was supporting them like he is supposed to. And he can find an apartment--he can find a property owner who will work with him; but frankly, his refusal to pay his way is what his problem is. No one is going to rent to anyone who won't pay their bills. Edited November 14, 2015 by kendahke 2
mystikmind2005 Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 I wouldn't be so quick to blame the ex wife. This guy isn't who he pretended to be when he and the OP first started dating and I bet the ex wife was putting up with the same crap and kicked his butt out. Guys like this always have lots of sad stories about how everything is always someone else's fault. If he loved being in the military so much then why leave at only 29yrs old? Dishonourable discharge perhaps? Actually that is a very good point about his behavior with the ex?... but that is not to rule out that bad women can destroy good men, it happens often enough.
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