Olivia89 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 This is about my ex boyfriend/ old best friend. I met him in high school when I was 16. We were best friends and hung out all the time and talked every day. We told each other everything. He was the only person I have ever been able to completely be myself around and talk about anything. He knows me better then anyone. We dated off and on for 6+ years. But even when we would break up we were still best friends. Because we were friends first. Then about 3 years ago he met Ericka on OkCupid. They started dating really seriously. They have been living together for a while now and they have a baby just over 1 year old. I have not seen him in 3 years. Ericka will not let him be my friend. If she finds texts from me on his phone she gets upset. So he deletes my texts so she wont find them. And he only calls once in a while, when she is not around. I miss him so much. As a best friend. I miss the friendship more then anything. I understand that people grow in different directions and he has a baby now and lives with his girl friend. But I just wish I could talk to him more often. I wish our friendship didn't have to be a secret. I don't like that I cant call him whenever I want because I don't want to make a problem between him and Ericka. I have to wait till he has the time, Ericka is not around, and he feels like calling me. I feel like a real friend is someone I should be able to call up whenever I want to talk through a problem or just talk about what is going on in my life. And our friendship should not have to be a secret. At the same time, I would not want him to talk to me either if I was Ericka. I don't blame her for not allowing it. It just makes me sad because I miss having a best friend in him. And I hate being a secret friend. But being a secret friend is better then never hearing from him at all.
Luxanna Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 (edited) You have to accept his girlfriends wishes. She is now his first priority, not you. For what ever reason she doesn't want him to be close with you, you have to accept. You need to focus on yourself and start getting use to life without him. It is almost impossible to remain just friends with an ex without emotions getting in the way. It is okay to miss him, but better not to talk to him a few months until you recollect yourself. Eventually you may even find yourself not feeling the need to talk to him because you would have moved on with your own life. Also, being a secret is not better than never hearing from him. Being a secret is causing you emotional pain. Plus you're both disrespecting his girlfriend. It may seem like living without him is impossible but all you need to do is that first step and every day it'll get easier to live your own life. It's hard but you have to do it, or you'll be miserable forever. Edited November 13, 2015 by Luxanna
kismetkismet Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I think you have to accept their wishes and move on. There are other friends out there.. they have chosen to spend their lives together and raise a child together so that decision is THEIRS to make, not yours. The fact that he is going behind her back to talk to you is trouble in itself.. I would be furious about that if I were her. If she ever finds that out, it could seriously harm their marriage - do you want that for him and his child? If you two had no romantic history and were just friends the whole time it would be different.. but you have a LONG history of being on and off.. longer than their whole relationship.. and apparently it wasn't just a one time break up and it was done, you slid in and out of friendship and relationship, which makes the possibility of it being more than just friendship even more likely. maybe in 10 years or so when they are more settled in their relationship you can come back into their lives, but right now you just have to move on. I bet that when you fall in love yourself you will not feel this so strongly. Not everyone is in our lives forever.
Author Olivia89 Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 Thank you Luxanna and Kismetkismet for your thoughtful replies. This may seem a little ridiculous or immature, especially now that I am going to give more details. But it is very real and frustrating for me. My ex does cross the line which is why I don't blame her for forbidding him to speak to me. But I do not cross the line because I do not want to be used or be a mistress type who gets the left overs while she gets the real relationship. My feeling is that we can be friends and if he ever breaks up with her for real then maybe something will happen between us but I wouldn't know until that time came because I might not feel the same way about him anymore or I may be in a different place in my life. Also, I would not let him cheat on her with me because if he did, I would never trust that he wouldn't do the same thing to me if we ever did get into a relationship. I don't think he should be able to have his cake and eat it too, so even if he thinks about it, nothing will ever happen between us unless they break up for real and stop playing house and stop living together. However, he has told me a few times in the past year that he wishes he had a baby with me instead and that he wants to be with me. He has said that he doesn't want to be with her but he stays because he doesn't want to be away from his baby and because he needs her to drive him everywhere he has to go because he doesn't have a license due to a DUI he got a few years ago. So in my opinion, I feel like they are both sort of using each other for what each of them needs. He has also told me that he fantasizes about me and has tried asking me if I want to meet up so he can figure out if he should be with me. Usually texts like this come late at night so I have to wonder if he is a little tipsy, and obviously he is horny, when he sent those. I did not reciprocate when I got texts like that. I told him to grow up and that I am not a side dish and that he needs to decide if he wants to spend his life with her. And if he does not then he should break up with her and stop living together so they can both make room to be available for someone new to come into their lives. I got fed up with the whole situation a few months ago. Fed up with the fact that he can call me any time he wants, any hour of the night or day, and I will answer the phone. But if I call or text him, no response. That's not fair so I texted him telling him that and told him to not be surprised when I don't respond the next time he tries to text or call. He didn't reply to that for a while but eventually he did start texting me again. And as I said, I did not respond. I ignored him for a long time. But he continued to text me and give me updates about his life anyway. It was about 3 months that I did not respond to any of his texts but that did not stop him from sending them. Finally I got so curious about a job offer that he mentioned that I broke my silence and responded. Its frustrating because I don't think he really wants to be with her but at the same time they have such a comfortable arrangement that he doesn't want to leave either. And its frustrating because he said in one of his texts that they had broken up. Yet they are still living together and taking care of each other. And she changed her relationship status on facebook to single a while back. And it still says single. So they are both claiming that they are not in a relationship yet they continue to live together and he still has to hide the fact that he talks to me. And even if I do not respond to him, he will still try to contact me. I just wish they would quit playing house and stop living together because I think their relationship is a co dependent joke and I want my friend back. I wish he would make a real decision. To either settle for being with her and marry her and be a family. And stop contacting me unless one day we can all be honest with her each other and not be secretive about it. And not cross the boundaries and be respectful. Or if he doesn't want to spend his life with her, he should be honest about that too so they can both start building separate lives and not have to hide who they talk to.
Tayla Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I'm one of the minor believers that genders can be friends. After reading your further details, neither of you are friends to the other. Your actions speak louder then words. Until either of you can step back, re configure and redefine what genuine friendships mean, its best to move on. Maybe in a few years ... and some important changes in respect you both can be social friends. Two of my ex's whom I've know for 20 Years placed all cards on the table. There would not be any leading or interruptions . We closed the bf/ gf relationship entirely.... and learned to be respecting friends. If it helps any.... we are each growing.. some quicker then others... so my pardons that someone said to grow up... we each grow or wither.. Im sure your still in the growing and adjusting phase.
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