bitterbetty14 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Okay, a little back ground info: I was with my ex for 7 years, some of which was long distance. We started out as causal work friends and then started dating. A couple of years ago he was offered the opportunity of a lifetime and got a grant to spend a year abroad. I was happy for him, but that was a deal breaker for me. I was finally getting over him when he said that he wanted to marry me. I was skeptical, but he eventually convinced me he knew what he wanted and that was to spend the rest of his life with me...flash forward to him getting back into the country and our relationship slowly unraveling. We officially broke up in April, but still had to work together so NC was not an option. We started hooking up again in July, after which he started talking about marriage again. I was more than skeptical this time, and said that he was welcome to try and win back my emotional trust, but that it would be a loooong road. And he did try to win my trust back, but not for long. He decided to go on a 3 month trip instead. A few weeks ago, he calls me to tell me that he had met someone online and that they had decided to get married. He has only "known" her for a month and a half, if that! Less than 2 months ago, he was still talking about marriage to me...what the hell? She doesn't even live in the same town as us, it's a two hour drive from our city. I feel like it was a jerk move for him to tell me while he was still on his trip (which is in a different state from both me and his "fiance", he said that he didn't want me to find out from someone else, but I have no idea who I would find out from. She doesn't live here, he isn't even in the state right now, his facebook still doesn't have any relationship info (I finally blocked him though), and he doesn't have any close friends who I would run into. Anyway, I'm having a difficult time coping and was wondering else had been in a similar situation? How the hell did you get past the anger? He strung me along for seven years, and now I feel like an idiot because he got engaged to someone else so quickly.
Samhain Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 First of all, nobody "strings" anybody along unless you allow it. Your major mistake was "hooking up" .. And then believing his marriage talk. You were giving him sex, which he had no reason to want to stop, so spin you a line he knows you will swallow. Meanwhile he met somebody else that he wanted for more than just sex. It happens. Move on and next time don't be so sexually available to someone unless you both just wanna "hook up" with no feelings involved. 2
Author bitterbetty14 Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 (edited) I agree that no one strings you along without you allowing it, so shame on me for that. Having said that, I am not sure that your comment was actually intended to help me. You don't seem to have a good grasp on the situation - not your fault, it can be hard to discern from so little info - but you can take your judgement to a different thread. It's not particularly appreciated on this one. Edited November 13, 2015 by bitterbetty14
mightycpa Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Can you actually imagine getting engaged and then married to someone you've just met? Unless this poor bastard is particularly lucky, like he steps in **** and comes out smelling like roses, then chances are this is not Ms. Perfect. I'll tell you what probably happened. Chemically, he was ready to fall in love with someone. He took this trip, met someone, and the next thing you know, the brain chemicals that could have been yours now belong to someone else. That happened to me once. I met this girl, and I liked her, and I started to fall for her, but I found out she was married. I stopped seeing her, and started seeing somebody else, and the next thing you know, I fell in love with the new one. I remember exactly when and what it was like. All the while, I knew that this girl wasn't for me, but love is love, and we dated for a couple of years until I told her I would not marry her. She immediately cheated on me, and that was the end of that. Anyway, what I'm saying is that the transference of love can happen, and I'm living proof. So, back to your anger. You're angry because he shared that with you? Or because your seven year investment turned to ****? Or because he found someone else, and that could have been you? All of the above? I think that's perfectly natural. You might need to write it down, and learn how to articulate exactly what it is that angers you. Maybe write him a letter or two or a hundred, if that's what it takes. Don't send them, just write them until you have nothing more to say. 1
Meli22 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 It takes time, just like any break up. I sometimes think the sooner we learn something (ie your ex getting married), the better. Because it's a huge shock to the system and almost a "it can't get worse than this" situation. Getting married after just a few months of knowing someone is ridiculous IMO. Don't get caught up thinking he loves her more than he did you. It's the infatuation chemicals doing their job. Just take care of yourself. 1
K2z Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I suspect this has happened in my case too. It is beyond excruciating.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Perhaps he fudged the timeline a bit and he's known her longer than he's letting on. Keep him blocked and deleted and know that you will have a much more skilled radar next time to not allow yourself to be involved again with someone who doesn't deserve it. He likely hasn't been honest with her either, so good riddance.
Samhain Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 First of all, nobody "strings" anybody along unless you allow it. Your major mistake was "hooking up" .. And then believing his marriage talk. You were giving him sex, which he had no reason to want to stop, so spin you a line he knows you will swallow. Meanwhile he met somebody else that he wanted for more than just sex. It happens. Move on and next time don't be so sexually available to someone unless you both just wanna "hook up" with no feelings involved. That's not judgment, it's good advice. Sometimes good advice doesn't match up with what we want to hear, but you asked for it, and got it.
Author bitterbetty14 Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 Forgive me, but it seemed like you reduced a 7 year relationship to merely sex.
Samhain Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Not at all, I'm sure your long term relationship was very serious, but it did end up just being about sex to him because he wasn't emotionally invested anymore. The nature of love changes over time with many couples, it's down to the two individuals within the relationship to choose how to deal with it, sometimes one chooses a path the other does not want. That's when it becomes most hurtful. 1
lookin ahead Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 honestly be glad is her and not you, that was a shady move from his part. How do you know he wasn't with her all along while he was with you? Maybe there is more to the two months than you think? Just be glad he is out of the picture you deserve better honestly it hurts like hell but it will be better in the long run, you don't need this type of instability. 1
lil hoodlum Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 First of all, nobody "strings" anybody along unless you allow it. I respectfully disagree with this statement. People do get strung along without their consentment. Believe it or not there are people who do lie and decieve others to get what they want unbeknownst to the one being used. I do think however once you begin to notice that a persons words and actions don't match up it is foolish to ignore the signs that something isn't as it appears to be. 4
Confusioncreepsin Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I respectfully disagree with this statement. People do get strung along without their consentment. Believe it or not there are people who do lie and decieve others to get what they want unbeknownst to the one being used. I do think however once you begin to notice that a persons words and actions don't match up it is foolish to ignore the signs that something isn't as it appears to be. Absolutely agree. Stringing one along translates to "a person convincingly lies and demonstrates the right actions to convince the victim that they are true and honest". Once the person is "caught" through the wrong action or a red flag, its then upon the victim to get out. It's the age old term BEING USED. 1
Author bitterbetty14 Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 Yep, anytime that I would start to pull away - he would make promises and START to follow through on them and then it very sloooowly fade back to the way it was before. And I do know that I should have left once I saw warning signs, but it was never a dramatic or erratic relationship so I reasoned things away.
kismetkismet Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I disagree with Samhain, it doesn't sound like he was just using you for sex as he was behaving the same way when you were together. And you don't "give" someone sex you have sex WITH someone. It shouldn't be about with holding or engaging in order to maintain some kind of power over someone. That's childish and manipulative (and sexist in this context). that whole 'people won't buy the cow if they're getting the milk for free' is bull**** - this is 2015 haha. ANYWAY. It sounds like this guy is more interested in marriage itself - or the idea that he has in his mind about marriage - than the person he chooses to marry. He realized that winning you back would be a major investment of time and emotion and wouldn't be a sure thing.. whereas this other woman is ready to just jump right in without even getting to know him. He just wants to find SOMEONE to marry right now. You dodged a major bullet my friend. no one knows what marriage means until they are in it, and it is different for each couple. Once he realizes his fairy tail image of what it means to be married is just a fairy tail, they will likely crash and burn. 1
Author bitterbetty14 Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 I disagree with Samhain, it doesn't sound like he was just using you for sex as he was behaving the same way when you were together. And you don't "give" someone sex you have sex WITH someone. It shouldn't be about with holding or engaging in order to maintain some kind of power over someone. That's childish and manipulative (and sexist in this context). that whole 'people won't buy the cow if they're getting the milk for free' is bull**** - this is 2015 haha. Preach! I agree 100% ANYWAY. It sounds like this guy is more interested in marriage itself - or the idea that he has in his mind about marriage - than the person he chooses to marry. He realized that winning you back would be a major investment of time and emotion and wouldn't be a sure thing.. whereas this other woman is ready to just jump right in without even getting to know him. He just wants to find SOMEONE to marry right now. You dodged a major bullet my friend. no one knows what marriage means until they are in it, and it is different for each couple. Once he realizes his fairy tail image of what it means to be married is just a fairy tail, they will likely crash and burn.Once again, I agree. I think that his mind is spinning out and that he has latched onto the idea of marriage as some sort of band-aide. As crappy as the "I'm engaged" phone call was, it finally gave me the closure that I needed. That ship has sailed, and I think it's heading to crazy-town.
kismetkismet Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 ^^^ That's totally the way to look at it. You're right that he probably thinks that being married in and of itself will solve all of his problems and things will be settled and complete.. But that's just not how it works. Marriages are still relationships that require work and a compatible partner. No ring on your finger and bit of paper is going magically create a healthy human relationship. It reminds me a bit of women that think that the end goal is to simply find someone that will marry them, and once they do that they will live happily ever after.. or that think that if they get a terrible cheating boyfriend to marry them then they will magically turn faithful and good because they agreed to marry them. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally not against marriage at all. I'm just against people thinking it's a magical solution to complex relationship problems... he probably is not mature enough for a real, healthy relationship right now.
angel.eyes Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I'm sorry things turned out as they did. Sadly, each time you had a great boundary with this guy, you ignored it. You claimed his leaving to travel for a year was a deal breaker. Yet you continued to date him anyway. Then you broke up in April, presumably because the relationship wasn't working. But you hooked up with him after the relationship ended. When you got hesitant, he claimed he wanted to marry you. What exactly was he doing to show that marriage was a true possibility...after seven years? Was there an engagement ring? Were you making concrete plans together? Saving money to build a life together? Going through premarital counseling? Or was it just sweet nothings and vague promises of wanting to marry you? What was your intuition telling you about red flags and his intentions? The easy thing to do is to blame him. But a healthier, more productive approach would be to examine your choices and decisions and what you might do differently next time to avoid ending up in another situation like this, feeling that someone strung you along or you wasted precious years in a dead end relationship. There were probably red flags that you opted to ignore? E.g choosing to disappear and travel for three months while he claims to be focused on marrying you. Maybe others? We can't change others, only ourselves. This was a learning experience. Figure out what you might do differently next time if you don't want a repeat. How you might honor your own boundaries instead of ignoring them when it counts.
kismetkismet Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I'm sorry things turned out as they did. Sadly, each time you had a great boundary with this guy, you ignored it. You claimed his leaving to travel for a year was a deal breaker. Yet you continued to date him anyway. Then you broke up in April, presumably because the relationship wasn't working. But you hooked up with him after the relationship ended. When you got hesitant, he claimed he wanted to marry you. What exactly was he doing to show that marriage was a true possibility...after seven years? Was there an engagement ring? Were you making concrete plans together? Saving money to build a life together? Going through premarital counseling? Or was it just sweet nothings and vague promises of wanting to marry you? What was your intuition telling you about red flags and his intentions? The easy thing to do is to blame him. But a healthier, more productive approach would be to examine your choices and decisions and what you might do differently next time to avoid ending up in another situation like this, feeling that someone strung you along or you wasted precious years in a dead end relationship. There were probably red flags that you opted to ignore? E.g choosing to disappear and travel for three months while he claims to be focused on marrying you. Maybe others? We can't change others, only ourselves. This was a learning experience. Figure out what you might do differently next time if you don't want a repeat. How you might honor your own boundaries instead of ignoring them when it counts. From my perspective she wasn't so much upset about the relationship ending, but about him suddenly getting engaged so soon after they broke up. That would be mind boggling for anyone i think! You're right that the relationship probably could have/should have ended sooner, but I don't think that was the point. 1
angel.eyes Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Let's refer back to the OP: Anyway, I'm having a difficult time coping and was wondering else had been in a similar situation? How the hell did you get past the anger? He strung me along for seven years, and now I feel like an idiot because he got engaged to someone else so quickly. If a guy five, seven years out has made no real concrete moves to marry you, chances are it won't be you when he finally marries. You're Ms Right Now, until Ms. Right comes into his life. It happens all the time. Demonizing the guy involved and placing all blame on him won't change anything. Acknowledging your role and learning not to allow yourself to sit around in dead end relationships will. 2
mightycpa Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 And I would just add that in the next life OP, or for the benefit of you very young ladies out there, 7 years is way too long to be in an unmarried relationship, unless you do not aspire to marriage. From the day you meet to the day you get a ring or jet outta there, I'm thinking 30 months, tops. 1
Author bitterbetty14 Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 Let's refer back to the OP: If a guy five, seven years out has made no real concrete moves to marry you, chances are it won't be you when he finally marries. You're Ms Right Now, until Ms. Right comes into his life. It happens all the time. Demonizing the guy involved and placing all blame on him won't change anything. Acknowledging your role and learning not to allow yourself to sit around in dead end relationships will. I agree with a lot of what you said. However I don't actually think that I demonized him. 1
Author bitterbetty14 Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 From my perspective she wasn't so much upset about the relationship ending, but about him suddenly getting engaged so soon after they broke up. That would be mind boggling for anyone i think! You're right that the relationship probably could have/should have ended sooner, but I don't think that was the point. I am in full agreement that the relationship should have ended sooner than it did. The sad truth is that I devalued myself in my relationship with him and I am only just beginning to grasp the depth of that. You are right that the part that I am upset about is the new engagement. Thank you for acknowledging that it would be mind boggling for most people. 1
K2z Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I hear that a bunch too, that I dodged a bullet, but I sure don't feel like it. 1
kismetkismet Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 And I would just add that in the next life OP, or for the benefit of you very young ladies out there, 7 years is way too long to be in an unmarried relationship, unless you do not aspire to marriage. From the day you meet to the day you get a ring or jet outta there, I'm thinking 30 months, tops. That seems crazy to me!!! I guess at this stage of my life 30 months would be alright because i'm 29 and I know myself very well and what I want from life and relationships and such. But in my 20s there's no way i'd get engaged to someone I'd only known 2.5 years. you can't make blanket statements about relationships like that.. there are way too many variables to consider.
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