minimariah Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 for all of you who had the misfortune to deal with the Ex of this kind - rewritting history for everyone who is willing to listen, after they hurt YOU & usually are the ones to leave... they're the ones who are angry. and their new partner is usually angry, too. so while you're trying to move on with peace, dignity & NC - how do you deal with bashing & lies and your dumper's anger...? do you ignore and hope it will go away or respond in an effort to save face? thanks everyone.
BC1980 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 How are you hearing the things your ex is saying? I think the most effective way to deal with this is to become oblivious to what he is saying.
Author minimariah Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 How are you hearing the things your ex is saying? I think the most effective way to deal with this is to become oblivious to what he is saying. that's sometimes easier said than done. imagine the situation where you have many mutual friends and/or work together. it the ex started to bash you around to co-workers or friends (someone will eventually tell you) - what would you do? do you speak up or not?
BC1980 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 that's sometimes easier said than done. imagine the situation where you have many mutual friends and/or work together. it the ex started to bash you around to co-workers or friends (someone will eventually tell you) - what would you do? do you speak up or not? I think I would probably set the record straight if someone came to me with falsehoods. I would do it without bashing my ex because that only makes you look petty. Honesty, he's the one who will look bad if he keeps bashing you. Doing that kind of stuff after s breakup is kind of par for the course, but it's tough when you're privy to it. I can only imagine how my ex spun our relationship and breakup, but that's the usual way of it. Hold your head high, and know that most mutual friends and coworkers are not that interested in his comments and probably take them with a grain of salt. 1
darkbloom Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I would rise above it and say nothing. The only time I would discredit it was if someone asked you directly whether it was true. Regardless of whatever comes out of your mouth, people will believe what they want to believe. Why waste a single second trying to prove something false? You're not in court and you have no obligation to. The people that matter will see through the lies and your ex will be the one who is discredited. 3
mystikmind2005 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Sounds like he is trying to justify his actions to himself by justifying it to others. My ex is doing a similar thing too but over custody, not spreading lies (as far as i know?). She has to deny to herself that i am a good father, if she did not then it would diminish her justification for leaving. And she is the type of person who will go to great lengths toward keeping up appearances/image. 2
DrReplyInRhymes Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I have no problem admitting the **** that I did do, And I have no problem ignoring the fiction from the fact that is true, What I do have a problem with is the ignorance that comes with a blind eye, And those people who choose the easier route of believing a lie. I made some poor choices, but so has everyone in this life, I've also been in compromising situations, some done out of purpose and guise, Your real friends will want to ask you the truth, and the lies will be put to an end. Your fake friends will assume the worst, and enact their revenge. 1
jen1447 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Ignore. With the exception of what Darkbloom said, it'll just work against you anyway. When ppl speak out in defense of themselves, it often makes them look guilty, but silence is dignified and usually says all that needs to be said. 2
SoulCat Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I had a very angry ex husband, even though it was him who pulled the plug on our marriage. He told everybody it was my fault and the fact that he was already with someone else was nothing more than a coincidence. He accused me of all sorts. Said he'd been unhappy for years. Conveniently erased happy times from his memory. It was like he remembered the previous 12 years completely different than I did. He was so angry, so full of loathing. I no longer recognised the guy I married. I decided that the folks who blatantly swallowed his obvious BS without hearing my side of events were not people I wanted and needed in my life. I lost quite a few 'friends' and most of my ex's family in the process but I can hold my head up high. I never lost my rag, kept my integrity and resolved to rebuild my life without them. To this day, I am happy with with how I dealt with it all in a time when my heart was shattered and my head was all over the place. 4
Author minimariah Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 thanks, everyone. i never said a bad word about him, let alone about his new partner - we didn't work out and i have absolutely no ill feelings for him. i truly wish him the best so i'm appalled that he doesn't wish the same for me. i have said nothing and kept my mouth shut & i will continue to do so and focus on my people and my life. just had a crisis and needed reassurance that i'm doing the right thing by keeping absolutely radio silence. thanks once again. 4
SoulCat Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 thanks, everyone. i never said a bad word about him, let alone about his new partner - we didn't work out and i have absolutely no ill feelings for him. i truly wish him the best so i'm appalled that he doesn't wish the same for me. i have said nothing and kept my mouth shut & i will continue to do so and focus on my people and my life. just had a crisis and needed reassurance that i'm doing the right thing by keeping absolutely radio silence. thanks once again. You are pretty much doing what I did way back when. I had no contact with my ex for about 3 years, apart from via solicitors. We had to go through mediation at the beginning of this year and we had to meet face to face. It was weird yet so familiar. We were both polite and cordial. I have no ill feelings toward him, but neither do I care if he's happy or not. He made his bed and I'm just done with 'him & me'. It's history, it's done. There is no 'him & me' left. And I am totally, completely okay with that. I found my peace, I'd like to say I hope he found his. But truth is, I don't much care. Good luck girl, you'll be just fine. 2
Author minimariah Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 thanks, SoulCat. i guess i'm hurt & also annoyed by his immaturity. i don't know the reason behind his behavior because i didn't do anything to hurt him and i didn't trash him to the others. mostly, i'm really annoyed. but it is what it is. i'll keep minding my business.
BC1980 Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 thanks, SoulCat. i guess i'm hurt & also annoyed by his immaturity. i don't know the reason behind his behavior because i didn't do anything to hurt him and i didn't trash him to the others. mostly, i'm really annoyed. but it is what it is. i'll keep minding my business. Anyone who makes a point of badmouthing an ex just lacks class. To be honest, most people can see through that. I work with my ex, and I said very little about him at work. There are a lot of mutual acquaintances, and it's sometimes kinda awkward. But I kept my mouth shut. People can think that what they want, and, honestly, most people don't care that much. Most people are concerned with their own issues to worry about someone's ex. Usually, people rewrite the story and badmouth the ex to justify their own actions. It's not really about you. 2
Author minimariah Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 Usually, people rewrite the story and badmouth the ex to justify their own actions. It's not really about you. you're absolutely right. the only way is to stay NC and stay classy & i'ma do exactly that. 2
BC1980 Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 you're absolutely right. the only way is to stay NC and stay classy & i'ma do exactly that. In the long run, you will be glad you stayed above the fray. I know it's difficult in the short term though. I think the gut reaction is to want to set the record straight. I've sometimes wondered what type of story my ex told to his family or our mutual acquaintances, and I've really wished I could explain to them how much he hurt me. But the truth is that those people don't really care that much. They are worried about their lives and their issues, and they won't really understand you and your ex's issues. Now, my true friends, they care, and they are sympathetic to how much he hurt me. But those are friends that were not mutual acquaintances. Those are people that I've confided in and who have been my genuine friends for years. I always say that actions speak for themselves. At work, I hold my head high and don't say a word about my ex unless someone asks me. I've had a few people ask me if I was okay after everything happened, and I simply said, thanks, I'm good, and I'm moving forward. I'm not gonna lie and say it wasn't tempting to throw in something negative about my ex, but doing so would only reflect poorly on me. Besides, these people have had their own relationships and interactions with my ex. They have their own opinions based on experiences with him, and they have their own opinions based on experiences with me. It's not my job to go around and police what they think about my ex or what might be said about me. They can form their own conclusions. Are people coming to you and telling you things your ex has said?
candie13 Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 New partner came after you, Right ? If she started to talk crap about me, I would face her and give her a piece of my mind. And a strong message "you can keep my ex, i hate left overs but stay the hell away from me & out of my life". Easy. Most people lack courage. Confront her & don't let yourself get abused. Only victims run away & hide. Only by shutting up, you are allowing her to get Power over you and importance in your life. Hell NO. You did not choose her, she is nothing to you. So she should not influence your life. Out, out, out! Autumn clean up, girl! Adults get to manage their own emotions, they don't ask other people to do that. So treat both new Partner and ex like adults & tell them to back Off. There are such things As Public defamation, their choice !
Author minimariah Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 (edited) Are people coming to you and telling you things your ex has said? yes. me & my ex work together (in the same field) and we recently started with our new positions. the thing is... he started working a week earlier than i did and apparently, that was enough time for him to very subtly turn my new coworkers against me. when i got to work, i got a really cold reception but i kept my mouth shut and did my job. i noticed they were super pleasant to him and at that point - i assumed he talked badly about us and me. then a couple of days ago, two of my coworkers tell me on our break that they're surprised how nice i am & i ask them why -- so they told me how my ex is basically painting me as some kind of cold and unloving woman who broke his heart (?). he does it in a clever way, he isn't trashing me directly - it's more like he is throwing himself a pity party. it's one of those "oh, poor me, i loved her SO much and she ignored me and neglected me and i'm FINALLY happy" - maybe he feels that way, maybe our relationship was torture for him. but to say that it's MY fault and that i was this unloving and cold woman just isn't correct. i want to call him right now and ask him to point out at least ONE moment when in was cold and unloving to him... but i'm keeping up with the NC. i'm actually worried about my own reputation. like i said, he isn't trashing me directly so even if i was to complain to my bosses about feeling bullied - i wouldn't have any real proof. he literally rewrote our entire history and made me into this woman i was NEVER like... in order to help himself cope or something. it's hard to keep my mouth shut. really hard. i want to confront him (i won't do that & when asked, i say that i'm shocked by what he's saying, that those things aren't true & that i want him the best and to move on; i'm not trashing him or revealing any details about our relationship to others & i also asked people NOT to tell me what he says). it's like someone is going around and "selling" the complete twisted portrayal of my character and i don't know how to defend myself from that. Confront her & don't let yourself get abused. i honestly don't want to. i don't want to confront him either. i feel like they'll use it against me anyway + she knows what he told her. so i'm not surprised that she's feeling some kind of negative way towards me when he painted me as someone who "devastated" him. i can't stop people from talking about me, but i never was in a situation like this before - no one ever really talked badly about me to a large group of people. she came after me, yes & i'm pretty sure he cheated with her at the end of our relationship. so the affair probably made the animosity towards me even stronger. i want to move on but it's hard to take the high road because i feel like my integrity is being attacked and i have no ways of defending it BUT with silence. i don't want to be my workplace's #1 gossip news and i WILL become that if i respond in any way and we started bickering back and forth in "i'm right, not you!!!!" fashion. but at the same time, i REALLY want to confront them both and tell them to f&ck off. Edited November 15, 2015 by minimariah
BC1980 Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 You can actually defend yourself by simply being a good person at your workplace. By that, I mean just being yourself and showing people who you really are. Over time, people will form their own opinions of you that will be positive. If someone comes to you again with something he has said, you can say that you don't really think it's professional to talk about a past relationship at work. You can say that you wish him well but have moved on. You might have to say it through gritted teeth, but it makes you look like the bigger person with more credibility. Because, honestly, it isn't professional if the ex works with you. No one needs to be spreading private business around the office. It's just tacky, and your coworkers know that. They know that it's not professional to do what he has been doing. Usually, when someone (your ex) feels the need to tell a bunch of people about your relationship, it's because he is trying to paint a picture. It's transparent. When I started my job 5 years ago, a coworker tried to preemptively spread a smear campaign against me because I was dating a doctor at the hospital (my now ex that brought me here, no less ). This coworker was really just a hateful person that did the same to all new employees. I stayed above the fray and just showed my new coworkers that I wanted to get to know them and work as a team. I acted like I was completely unaware of this smear campaign. A year into the job, another coworker told me about the smear campaign but said that I was so likable that she never really bought into the other coworkers' talk. I ended becoming really close friends with some people at work, and it all worked out in the end. The lady that tried to smear me eventually quit, and it turned out that a lot of people didn't really care for her anyway. A lot of my coworkers said that she had tried similar things when they started working there, and that this lady didn't have many friends on the staff. 1
Author minimariah Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 You can actually defend yourself by simply being a good person at your workplace. By that, I mean just being yourself and showing people who you really are. Over time, people will form their own opinions of you that will be positive. you're right. & i know that and i'll do exactly that but i like to vent on here when the crisis hits, LOL. the calls, messages and mails from all bunch of unknown numbers have started with him explaining how hurt HE is and did i ever love him (?) + he was at my apartment this morning and left me a red rose on the bed (?). i completely forgot that he has the key to my apartment, i asked another mutual friend to get it from him. uh.... it's going to be a long month and i'm not looking forward to it. AT ALL. keeping up the NC and trying to stay positive.
BC1980 Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 you're right. & i know that and i'll do exactly that but i like to vent on here when the crisis hits, LOL. the calls, messages and mails from all bunch of unknown numbers have started with him explaining how hurt HE is and did i ever love him (?) + he was at my apartment this morning and left me a red rose on the bed (?). i completely forgot that he has the key to my apartment, i asked another mutual friend to get it from him. uh.... it's going to be a long month and i'm not looking forward to it. AT ALL. keeping up the NC and trying to stay positive. What? He left a rose in your apartment. Good thing you have a way of getting your key back because that is a serious invasion of privacy. And he's dating another woman right now? I would ignore all those calls/texts.
Author minimariah Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 What? He left a rose in your apartment. Good thing you have a way of getting your key back because that is a serious invasion of privacy. And he's dating another woman right now? I would ignore all those calls/texts. i'm changing the locks anyway, as soon as i can. if he crosses a really major line or gets in once more, i'm ready to call the authorities. i have absolutely NO plans of getting back with him, just to make that clear. and i'm staying strict NC. this would be so much easier if we didn't work together and moved in different social circles. it's stressing me out.
jen1447 Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 Ha - the way this is starting to sound mimi, not only will you be vindicated thru silence, he'll tear himself all the way down thru his own words and creepy behavior. 1
Author minimariah Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 (edited) Ha - the way this is starting to sound mimi, not only will you be vindicated thru silence, he'll tear himself all the way down thru his own words and creepy behavior. yep. i'm taken aback. i wasn't careful and i didn't pay attention to a lot of red flags during the relationship. he's a great guy and i'll always love him but we just don't work well together - AT ALL. i know him well. he isn't doing this to get me back, he's hurt and wants to hurt me back. he's mad at me. there were signs that showed me very well that he's immature and can't handle stress but for some reason... i turned my head the other way. lesson learned. Edited November 16, 2015 by minimariah
BC1980 Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 i'm changing the locks anyway, as soon as i can. if he crosses a really major line or gets in once more, i'm ready to call the authorities. i have absolutely NO plans of getting back with him, just to make that clear. and i'm staying strict NC. this would be so much easier if we didn't work together and moved in different social circles. it's stressing me out. It seems like silence is the one thing people cannot stand. I think he wants to provoke you into some type of response, be it positive or negative. 1
Woggle Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 My ex went around telling everybody that I physically abused her even though I never laid a hand on her and she was violent towards me. In a sick way I am almost glad she tried to shoot me post divorce because I feel it vindicated me and showed her true colors towards everybody else. People at least know the truth now. 1
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