wtftr Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 (edited) I’m 28 year old male. I was in a long-term relationship with my girlfriend for 8 years. I knew her from high school since grade 11 (Age 16). We committed to a relationship in my 2nd year of university (Age 20). It has been 80 days since we broke up, I’m feeling a sense of anger, sadness, confusion and loneliness over what transpired. Looking for advice to cope. In late August, she cheated on me with her language exchange partner. After attending a mutual friend’s birthday party she left to see the guy. I was told about the meet up and thought nothing of it. She had been seeing a few exchange partners over the past year, so thought nothing of it. I also inquire about them as well if there’s anything going on. She had been seeing this guy on a travel visa for 6 week in 8 sessions. However, she never came home that night. She had been living at my place mostly for 10 months. She text me and said she wasn’t going to my place but to her grandmas. In the morning, my intuition told me to call her place. She wasn’t home so I called her but she only replied when I started to text about her whereabouts. She finally answered the call, I confronted her about where she was. She admitted going over to the exchange partner apartment and I pushed further to discover she had intercourse with him. I was stunned and heartbroken she eventually came over to talk about it. While suffering major distress/depression, I told her that for our relationship to continue she would have to leave the guy and never talk to him again then work from there if it’s repairable. Instead she the most hurtful thing I have ever heard in my life “Can I still see him?”, I said no cause I’m not competing with this guy and you did something hurtful to me. She continued on saying she had feeling for the guy. We talked some more and went to the fair as her family was expecting us. I left her with her parents and siblings as I did not think this would get out of hand. The next day, I called her repeatedly and she finally picked up. I asked her why she didn’t call me as I don’t know what the status of the relationship was. Being naive I thought she had come to her senses, instead she said she just wanted to be friends. I was heartbroken, I cannot describe the pain I suffered that day. I told her she was sacrificing an 8 year old relationship and this was crazy. The next 10 days she did not come pick up her stuff and left me devastated without checking up on me. I was distraught that this could be happening to someone that I truly loved. Eventually, I contacted her family to ask her whereabouts and if she would come to collect her clothes. They didn’t know about the situation and I immediately called her that she has to come pick up her clothes of they would be left outside. She actually had the nerve to yell at me to arrange the clothes pick up. She naively thought she could do it at her leisure to collect them as she had keys to my house and wanted to spend every moment with that guy. The ignorance she expressed of not understanding that there was no trust between me and her baffles me to this day, that she could just enter my house freely unsupervised. When a time of convenience was found for clothes pick up, I used the opportunity to ask questions. She didn’t contact me cause she didn’t care about the pain she put me through those days and just wanted to be with the new guy as he was leaving back to Japan. I used the opportunity to find out details of the relationship encase she ever came back to prepare myself, ex. Who he was, was it the first offence and if he was still in the country. At the end of the conversation, I told her if she respected me and our 8-year old relationship she should give up on this guy. Then we can talk if possibly be friends, as she was doubting her feeling after the lust had sort of worn off. This option was provided to restore my self-esteem that our relationship meant something to her and so that this wouldn’t effect the relationship we have with our mutual friends. She left with her stuff and never replied back to me. Few weeks after she tried to pry into one of my friends and myself for information of my health, by asking how I was. I later found out she tried to borrow a bike from one of my good friends to use for this new guy and that she never went to her grandma house after the fair. Right now, I feel miserable that I was treated so poorly. I had invested my soul into a person and was taking care of her as best as I could when she had a new stressful job. I thought we could overcome the stress from the job for 3 months then she could find another. I kept the living quarter tidy and laundry. Visited her as much as I could to keep her happy from work. I was a committed boyfriend, her household is squalor due to her mom’s hoarding problems. I gave her my own space in my own room (clothes, drawers, and bins) so that she would be relaxed being at my place. I cannot understand, how a person can be so callous towards me. My closest friend’s describe me as altruistic person, I will not intentionally harm another and always tries to bring the best out of someone. That day she took away part of the kindness and trust I have in others. When I meet anyone new, I feel uneasy. I’m looking for any advice and support that can be offered. Or understanding of what has transpired? Edited November 13, 2015 by wtftr
DrReplyInRhymes Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 (edited) My closest friend’s describe me as altruistic person, I will not intentionally harm another and always tries to bring the best out of someone. My ex friends would consider me an *******, And they aren't wrong, I'm the King of my Castle, However, the part that I quoted from you seen above, Is the part that another woman will eventually come to love. The reason why I bring up being called an ******* up there, Is the same reason why you'll easily find a woman who cares, You are an altruistic person, a woman will find you and wear you like a hat, While me being an ******* has lead me to sex....nothing after that. Edited November 13, 2015 by DrReplyInRhymes
lolablue17 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 You have all the reasons in the world to fell hurt and devastated. But I think you've made a mistake. You showed her that you are needy, insecure, and weak. That's is not the way to attract any girl, no matter how much you've known her. You should have let her understand how does it feel to lose you, not to explain it by words. Of course, there is a chance that she will never miss you. But in that case, you wouldn't be friends with her too... You can still respect yourself and make better moves. She now knows that you want her badly. Go full NC! If she contacts you (Who knows), Don't answer her calls texts. just disappear. She may try to contact you for many reasons, don't be tempted. If you can stand being patient, she might want you back one day (Maybe after the new guy is leaving to Japan). But I advice you to never answer, never take her back. Never agree to be someone's second choice! And you can never be first with her. 1
Marc878 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 You come across as weak and willing to do anything to get her back after she rubbed an affair in your face. Women generally find this very unattractive. Why would you want a cheater back? So you can go through it again. You need to read No More Mr Nice Guy and fix yourself for your next relationship. You are your own problem. 1
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