mrwigand Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I went to a mutual friend's going away party, even though I knew there was a strong likelihood I would see my ex (diagnosed borderline personality disorder) there. It was a little worse than that... She showed up with her boyfriend. Ugh. Not going to lie, it felt pretty crappy seeing them there. Everything went fine. I'm on good terms with my ex, though obviously I still feel a lot of pain from the relationship. I kind of ripped the band aid off and immediately said hi and exchanged some kind words with her. Not too long after I told everyone I had to get up really early for work and had to leave. It sucks because I was having a GREAT time at the party and would have liked to have stayed, but I knew it was going to be too uncomfortable for me. I don't know. Running into her and boyfriend wasn't fun. Somehow, it brings up so many negative, emotionally self-injuring thoughts: is her new boyfriend giving her something I didn't/couldn't... is she happier... is she healthier... is she treating him better... if so, why couldn't she have put forth that effort in our relationship? It all adds together to make you feel like you weren't enough somehow, and that's a cruddy feeling even if it's not based in reality. Which is weird because our relationship was extremely toxic and ALL of my friends agreed it was poisonously unhealthy for me. The emotional wounds from that relationship still affect me (I felt like my ex triangulated me with an abusive ex-boyfriend of hers in a way that was perhaps manipulative, but in the very least definitely made me feel less than). Despite those facts though, running into her always leaves me feeling crummy. A part of me wonders if I should have just sucked it up and even gone out of my way to talk to my ex and her new boyfriend. I did speak to her new boyfriend briefly, and he seemed like a cool guy. Maybe if I just exposed myself to it hardcore instead of running from it immediately I would take away some of the power stuff like this has over me? As it is now, I've been very diligent about now initiating contact with my ex, checking her facebook, etc, but because we share some friends things like this come up from time to time. Any suggestions? Should I just give myself more time?
LoveIsMyReligion Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I think you're being too civil about it. Ignore the hell out of her, nobody said you have to go say hi or be nice to her. I think you were in a bad position because she had someone with her and you didn't. Next time grab the closest attractive girl you see and start making out with her in front of your ex. Seriously though, the reason you don't feel great is because you're not in a new relationship with somebody better yet. It'll happen just keep doing what you're doing and don't over analyze things like this. 1
bitterbetty14 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I think that you need to give yourself more time, trying to be chummy with an ex and her new fella wouldn't have made you feel any better - it probably would have made you feel worse! There will come a day when you can be at the same party as her and not feel crummy, but that day might be a ways off. Cut yourself some slack and work on getting your self-esteem back up. Break-ups have a tendency to make us feel like we are deficient, even if we logically know that it was for the best. For me, one of the worst things about break-ups is the battle between the head, the heart, and the ego. 1
opalant Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 My ex hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but he's had very strong traits of it from near enough the start of our relationship. I too feel like I should be civil with him even though he hit me and emotionally abused me for years, it's crazy. Remind yourself that you're not a bad person for ignoring her because of how she treated you. Seeing her with someone else (probably on her best behaviour and acting like the girl you first met) must have really hurt, when I see my ex I feel the exact same. But remember they don't change, not unless she's going to a therapist and dealing with her issues. She's going to treat him as badly as she treated you one day after they've been together for a while, but obviously you'll never see or hear about that because no one shows that side of their relationship to anyone. Block her on social media, then anything your friends post about her won't come up either. Trust me when they're out of sight and out of mind it's a hell of a lot easier to cope with. Maybe you could try to see a therapist too to work out your emotions and feelings after this traumatic and poisonous relationship, you don't want to carry any issues you've gotten from it into your next relationship. 1
Chi townD Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Running into her and boyfriend wasn't fun. Somehow, it brings up so many negative, emotionally self-injuring thoughts: is her new boyfriend giving her something I didn't/couldn't... is she happier... is she healthier... is she treating him better... if so, why couldn't she have put forth that effort in our relationship? It all adds together to make you feel like you weren't enough somehow, and that's a cruddy feeling even if it's not based in reality. It's for this very reason why we need to do a hard NC on our Ex's. Dude, you weren't ready to see her and it's obvious if you're asking yourself all of these questions. You might have been better to have skipped this one. Or make a short appearance at the beginning and then bow out shortly thereafter. You see, you said that you KNEW there was a strong possibility of her being there. Therefore, she also knew that there was a strong possibility of YOU being there. So, with this knowledge, she STILL brought this new guy to the party regardless of your feelings or how it would have made you feel even if things were still a bit raw. Chalk it up to lessons learned! 1
didithappen Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 (edited) Just practice self-compassion. If she wasn't good for your health than your better off without her. Be good to yourself. Edited November 13, 2015 by didithappen
Author mrwigand Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 UPDATE** So, it's been a couple of days since running into my ex and her boyfriend. Obviously, it wasn't fun and I didn't think i could handle it in that moment. But I was nice and made an effort to say some kind words to my ex before I decided to leave. I guess I didn't sell it particularly well because literally at midnight tonight my ex texted me: "Hey, this is probably a weird question to get so late in the night but this has been on my mind a lot. Were you weirded out by my presence at that party?" Anyway, I told her everything was absolutely cool, and I wasn't weirded out. I just don't think it's appropriate for me to tell her anymore things about how I feel regarding her and the relationship. We've been broken up for months, and dealing with my feelings (including if I was uncomfortable seeing her at a party) that's on me - not her. I just feel like bringing up anything else could only serve to bring up some kind of drama.
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