kismetkismet Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two months now. He only lives about a 10 minute walk from me and we’ve been spending about 5 nights a week together lately. I’m totally nuts about him, we’re both very serious about it and are head over heels in a way we haven’t experienced before. But.. at the same time I feel a little overwhelmed with how he wants to hang out ALL the time. I find it difficult to say no when he asks each time because a) Part of me really wants to see him all the time and we always have a great time b) I don’t want him to take it personally when I say I can’t hang out simply because I want to be alone. We still see our friends separately and together, and still do our separate sports/hobbies, so we’re not neglecting our lives.. it’s just that I also sometimes just want to be by myself. Now that I think about it I don’t think I’ve ever asked him to hang out because he always asks me first. Before we separate from each other he always makes sure we have plans for the next time we’re free, usually I just agree right away because i don’t actually have a reason not to... and then he will confirm the plans later that day – sometimes as though he didn’t ask in the first place haha. He’s incredibly sweet, and his planning and eagerness is very comforting and eases some anxiety issues that I normally have in relationships. I guess my question is.. is it very unusual to need this time to myself? In another post on here someone was saying that his gf texted and said she needed a night alone, and everyone in the thread reacted as though it was the beginning of the end (there were other issues also mind you). What’s the easiest way to explain this without hurting his feelings? He always asks me in person and at the time I’m almost put on the spot because i don’t have a REASON not to say yes.
Jejangles Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I think it's totally ok to need alone time! Hey, we all have lives that have to be run (doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, reading crappy websites) and sometimes we need to do that on our own. I think the best time to do it is in person when he asks you - schedule your time ahead, before he asks (so think, Tuesday is a good night for alone / get my stuff done time) and when he asks, just say I can't do Tuesday because I have some stuff to do at home, how about Wednesday? I think text is a bad way to have those types of conversations and as long as you show that you're still interested he should be cool with it. Five days a week together is a lot of time when you are only two months in IMO, cooling it off a little is ok and will likely make the time spent together even better. 1
basil67 Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Following the idea of scheduling, you could make a plan of how much time you need to yourself and set aside the required amount of evenings you need. For example you could try "I love spending time with you, but I also need time for myself. I want to have Monday and Thursday evenings to myself - I'm sure you understand" 1
GemmaUK Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 It's normal. Just talk to him. From what I have gathered on here don't use the word 'space' but just say you need a night or two a week for pampering and for watching re-runs of House. Gives you both a chance to miss each other too - it's a good thing! 1
Author kismetkismet Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 Yaa i think it's quite a lot as well. I've talked with him a few times about trying not to move things too quickly, but i guess we're not doing a very good job haha. Part of it is that we live so close so even if i have something on with my friends I can go over to his place after or whatever. He just always asks and I don't have a reason to say no.. (also part of me does always want to see him) Thinking of it ahead of time is a good idea actually, then it seems more legitimately like i have things i need to do or whatever (which i do) and it's not just like i don't feel like seeing him.
d0nnivain Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 At two months in there is no way I could spend 5 nights per week with the "new" guy. I would feel smothered & overwhelmed. I suggest you nicely find a way to put a bit more space in your relationship without using the words "break" or "space" At the very least one night tell him you are busy even if you are "busy" looking at the walls of your own apartment, sleeping or watching TV. To much togetherness too early is a bad thing. It's OK to back off. 3
Author kismetkismet Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 At two months in there is no way I could spend 5 nights per week with the "new" guy. I would feel smothered & overwhelmed. I suggest you nicely find a way to put a bit more space in your relationship without using the words "break" or "space" Yaa I am starting to feel overwhelmed I think.. I just feel kind of exhausted by it sometimes. But it's strange because I also miss him being around when he's not and am always super happy when I'm actually around him.. But I think having more time to miss each other would probably be better. I mean, there's always part of me that wants to eat nachos and I'm really happy whenever I'm eating nachos, but that doesn't mean I should eat nachos all day long 2
GemmaUK Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Yaa i think it's quite a lot as well. I've talked with him a few times about trying not to move things too quickly, but i guess we're not doing a very good job haha. Part of it is that we live so close so even if i have something on with my friends I can go over to his place after or whatever. He just always asks and I don't have a reason to say no.. (also part of me does always want to see him) Thinking of it ahead of time is a good idea actually, then it seems more legitimately like i have things i need to do or whatever (which i do) and it's not just like i don't feel like seeing him. Set some boundaries. It sucks when you are having a great time and then realise you have no clean clothes for Monday. I lived with a man for 14 years and we each had nights where we had our own activities going on. These days I have found it much harder to find someone who thinks that way and it becomes exhausting and smothering. I have a thing which is keep myself going for you, keep yourself going for me and that means I always give a guy his time for his own stuff. I expect the same respect in return. 1
Buddhist Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 (edited) I guess my question is.. is it very unusual to need this time to myself? In another post on here someone was saying that his gf texted and said she needed a night alone, and everyone in the thread reacted as though it was the beginning of the end (there were other issues also mind you). What’s the easiest way to explain this without hurting his feelings? He always asks me in person and at the time I’m almost put on the spot because i don’t have a REASON not to say yes. A good place to start is to educate him on your need to recharge by just experiencing solitude. If he is dominating your time then you will have to start inserting boundaries at some point otherwise you'll feel suffocated and need to escape the relationship suddenly when you just can't take it anymore. That would be incredibly upsetting for him and possibly throw an unnecessary spanner in the works. Next time you are together and when he's pushing for your next meeting when he suggests such and such a day, just say actually I need to recharge a bit can we make it.....and then push the date back. It doesn't have to be a confrontation, up until this point you've just been agreeing with his every suggestion. He's not going to take it badly if you simply suggest another time. And gradually give him a meeting of his choice, then push the date to your choice. Until this becomes a regular pattern. People are only shocked when the behaviour takes a sudden turn in a different direction. Ease this one in and he will be assured that nothing is wrong. At the two month mark there should be natural pulling away as you both readjust to your more regular pattern of behaviour. The honeymoon is over so just accept and practice the normal move back into regular life as a couple. Having vague talks about not moving too quickly is avoiding the issue. That's open to so many interpretations and you can't expect him to instantly get what you mean. Don't talk about it in vague terms then expect something to happen. Instead just take the necessary action and ease both of you back into normal lives. Edited November 12, 2015 by Buddhist 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 You don't need a reason not to see someone when they ask you to hang out, if you don't feel like it! I echo the suggestion that you make time for yourself without having a big discussion about it or using the term 'I need some space' which generally strikes fear into the heart of even the most secure person Next time he asks 'when are you free?' tell him 'Tuesday' even if the answer is technically Monday. Consider it a date with yourself. If he asks 'are you free Monday?' and you want to spend the night alone simply say 'I have some stuff on, how about Tuesday?'. It'll probably help your relationship not to burn out in the long run, as everyone has different levels of comfort and it seems yours are clearly being exceeded. Set some time for yourself before you start to go off the guy for smothering you. 1
Author kismetkismet Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 Set some boundaries. It sucks when you are having a great time and then realise you have no clean clothes for Monday. I lived with a man for 14 years and we each had nights where we had our own activities going on. These days I have found it much harder to find someone who thinks that way and it becomes exhausting and smothering. One good thing is that we do still have our separate lives going. We both go out without each other occasionally, I see my friends every wednesday at least and he has dinner with his buddies every couple of weeks. We also go out with our friends together lots. We also have separate sports that are also social, and I still work out the same amount i did before. I really value maintaining friendships and separate lives throughout relationships which we've talked about a bunch. The harder part for me was taking time to do nothing by myself, which I also need I think. I have a thing which is keep myself going for you, keep yourself going for me and that means I always give a guy his time for his own stuff. I expect the same respect in return. I like that a lot
Author kismetkismet Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 People are only shocked when the behaviour takes a sudden turn in a different direction. Ease this one in and he will be assured that nothing is wrong. That is a very good point! I've been kind of putting off making time for myself thinking that it will eventually start to happen more naturally, but it would be much better for him to be used to it now so that if I suddenly start taking more space he doesn't think something is wrong..
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