accident_prone Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 my band had a show booked for a few months to play a city a 3-4 hours away and my girlfriend and i planned a few months ago to spend the weekend there and hangout a day before and day after the show. i know nobody else in the city aside from my band who will just come for the show so it'd just be the two of us. it would be a nice couple days away together. all month she's been seemingly excited to go and we got the days off approved and i booked the hotel last week. so we were supposed to leave this morning as the show is tomorrow night. she calls this morning about an hour before we were to leave and says she woke up feeling bad (started her period) and needs time to herself, etc and thinking about not going. so she came over to make sure i wasnt mad, which OF COURSE i'm frustrated and bummed out. and when i said i was pretty disappointed and tried to shed some light, she kinda begrudgingly said she'd go. of course i wasnt going to guilt her into it so i told her not to worry about it and then she went back home. i told her i'm not leaving for a few hours and she can go home and think and let me know if she changes her mind. i doubt that will happen so now i'm planning on just going alone for a couple days which will be pretty lame. she has been under a lot of stress lately and usually has time to herself and hasnt for the past month or so with work, moving, etc so i certainly get that. that being said, WE HAD PLANS that i personally booked/paid for. and to me that is very selfish on her part. am i wrong? how should i handle this? anybody with any similar experience?
rester Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I think it would depend on how solid you think your relationship is. If this were to happen to me, in my current situation, I'd be disappointed, sure, but I would know that there is a good reason my girlfriend would be bailing. It's not like she's canceling because something better came along. You could offer to cancel the part of your trip that doesn't include your gig, but if she wants to be alone for the weekend, I would go and enjoy myself.
gaius Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 It's a little strange she needs time alone to de-stress and doesn't feel she can do it with you. If I were you I'd lose the sour face over her perceived slight, coax her into going with you in a fun and upbeat way, then make sure you do some stuff over the weekend she finds enjoyable and de-stressing. Because if she's picturing a weekend with you as more effort than it's worth your relationship might be in trouble. You can always offer to cancel other plans that are not already paid for after you get back in a non-pissed off and happy way to give her some alone time. But if you play your cards right over the weekend she might start to lose that attitude and not need to be away from you.
FeelingFireworks Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 She's using her period as a reason to cancel a trip you booked/paid for months in advance? I call BS. If anything, if she'd been under stress & things were good between you, surely this would have been a welcome distraction, especially as you claim she was excited about the trip. Unless there was a warning sign you glided over or there has been some gradual breakdown in relations/communication, this sounds bizarre to me. It sounded like you both were gearing up for this in a positive way. Why the apparent 'sudden' change? Also, at the very least, she should offer to buffer her share of the cost if she doesn't go. 2
Author accident_prone Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 thanks for the replies and advice. the issue is that she has pretty bad anxiety sometimes and needs time here and there to clear her head and whatnot. this past month for her has been stressful, moving coupled with work everyday so its understandable that given the weekend off she would want to spend time alone with a book. i get it. i'm just frustrated and put off by it as i was really looking forward to it. perhaps i am thinking she is being more selfish than she actually is.
Ami1uwant Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Unless you guys have had relationship peoblems, this is a bs excuse. Have you guys traveled somewhere and spent the night together? Have you stay over hers or she with you?
Author accident_prone Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 we have traveled several times. we've been together 6 months so yes of course we've stayed many times. it's nothing to do with not being comfortable staying with me. she keeps telling me how bad she feels for bailing and is sorry, etc. but i'm still annoyed and will be for a while i'm sure. it's pretty lame.
seekingluck Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 It depends on how she is, if it has been really stressful, she just might be at capacity and need that space. If she is a woman that has horrible periods, particularly if she misses her pill by a day, she could also be really cranky or sick. Women in my family have nausea and severe cramping when it is a bad period week. The last thing you want when you are far from home and your bed. Or it could be she is uncertain about where you two stand. Best to talk it out with her.
Author accident_prone Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 her reasoning is sensible and i understand. my issue, more or less, is how to handle it. just let it go and act like i'm not bothered? or what?
hippychick3 Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 her reasoning is sensible and i understand. my issue, more or less, is how to handle it. just let it go and act like i'm not bothered? or what? I'm sorry, but her reasoning is not sensible at all. I have awful horrendous period symptoms on and off. But, you know what? I have a job I have to go to, so I take Advil and suck it up. If I had a trip with my boyfriend already planned, I would take Advil and go on the trip expecting to feel better since I took ADVIL! 1
Wewon Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 This is a tough situation mostly because men don't know what goes on with a period. Sure, we can read a book, take classes, etc. but at the end of the day we don't experience them. As a result, you don't know if you're getting a face-job or not and women know that you're afraid to challenge it. I can only say this, you're not wrong for being disappointed, that's human nature after a month of planning something. The only thing that you can go on is she the kind of person that give BS excuses in general? Does she normally back out of plans, trips and other activities due to periods?
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I'm sorry, but her reasoning is not sensible at all. I have awful horrendous period symptoms on and off. But, you know what? I have a job I have to go to, so I take Advil and suck it up. If I had a trip with my boyfriend already planned, I would take Advil and go on the trip expecting to feel better since I took ADVIL! As a woman I also agree that it's a shoddy excuse and almost certainly the symptom of something deeper. The only way I would blow off a trip I'd had planned with my boyfriend would be if I was really poorly, so unwell that travelling would be hell and I'd have a miserable time there. Like if I was in the middle of a severe migraine or had the flu. Got my period? Feeling anxious? Just no. Even if anxiety was the reason, I'd make damn sure I booked a later train or flight at MY expense to at least fulfil part of the trip. I don't think she values your time, or maybe she's losing interest in the relationship. Additionally I find it strange that if she is stressed after a rough month she doesn't think the antidote is kicking back with her boyfriend having fun on a trip. 1
gaius Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 You might as well just give up now if you're going to be passive accident. If you want her to go on the trip with you then coax her into going on the trip with you. Don't ask her, get turned down and just stew about it. Don't go around with a puss on your face the next time you see her because you're holding onto the fact she turned you down and you took it personally. Be the man and lead. Put out a good and masculine energy. Get her to come and show her the time she needs this weekend. You have a deeper problem you don't realize that you're only going to make worse by doing what you're doing. =/ It is such a bad sign that she doesn't feel she can relax and unwind with you.
rester Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 You might as well just give up now if you're going to be passive accident. If you want her to go on the trip with you then coax her into going on the trip with you. Don't ask her, get turned down and just stew about it. Don't go around with a puss on your face the next time you see her because you're holding onto the fact she turned you down and you took it personally. Be the man and lead. Put out a good and masculine energy. Get her to come and show her the time she needs this weekend. You have a deeper problem you don't realize that you're only going to make worse by doing what you're doing. =/ It is such a bad sign that she doesn't feel she can relax and unwind with you. I'm not saying this post is wrong, or that I fully disagree with it, but I think it depends on the person. For me personally, and my partner as well, we don't take very kindly to being coaxed into anything. We're both stubborn like that, and it would only make things worse. You could try saying something like, "it would mean a lot to me if you came", but if she still doesn't budge, you either need to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is too ill to make it, or if that's not the case, that maybe you have some deeper issues. I do agree with not sitting around and stewing about this. Go have some fun on your own.
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I'm not saying this post is wrong, or that I fully disagree with it, but I think it depends on the person. For me personally, and my partner as well, we don't take very kindly to being coaxed into anything. We're both stubborn like that, and it would only make things worse. You could try saying something like, "it would mean a lot to me if you came", but if she still doesn't budge, you either need to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is too ill to make it, or if that's not the case, that maybe you have some deeper issues. I do agree with not sitting around and stewing about this. Go have some fun on your own. I agree... plus, to me it looks way more needy to try and push her into attending, as if you are unable to just go have fun alone, hook up with some other friends, go make new ones. Expressing your disappointment at the fact that she'd bail on you last minute with such a shoddy excuse is totally appropriate, but trying to make her go just kinda rewards her behaviour with attention and bolsters her ego by making her feel like you'll be miserable without her. The correct response would be to tell her you hope she feels better soon, then go, make sure you have a wild time, let yourself cool off by reducing contact while gone and then see if she tries to do anything to make it up to you when you're back, for example planning a trip for the two of you. Anything else just seems really weedy to me. 1
soyou Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I dont know how it is with other women but for me, unless I'm dying on my bed, then I may cancel a trip away with my bf. Otherwise, no ****ing way!! I often bail out in the last minute like this when I dont feel like going somewhere or to do something with that particular person (not fun, not enjoying myself being with that person).
basil67 Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I will use any excuse on earth to avoid going away with my partner and all his friends. But a nice weekend for the two of us? I'd have to be deathly ill before I'd cancel. I think you have every right to be pissed.
gaius Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I'm not saying this post is wrong, or that I fully disagree with it, but I think it depends on the person. For me personally, and my partner as well, we don't take very kindly to being coaxed into anything. We're both stubborn like that, and it would only make things worse. You could try saying something like, "it would mean a lot to me if you came", but if she still doesn't budge, you either need to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is too ill to make it, or if that's not the case, that maybe you have some deeper issues. I do agree with not sitting around and stewing about this. Go have some fun on your own. In this situation it's something she already agreed to ahead of time though. With no coaxing. At the end of the day if he let's her douche him it's going to leave behind a genuine resentment, the kind where if you build up enough of them you end up not wanting to be with that person anymore. And she'll probably end up losing some respect for him as well. Just an overall awful outcome. Even if he does manage to put on a happy face. If he gets her to come along and successfully makes the weekend about her he ends up not feeling douched, she gets de-stressed, everyone wins. Or she gets even more annoyed and it hastens a breakup. But that's probably a good thing if he can't successfully make her feel relaxed, to the point she has to ditch him in a situation like that. They're not right for each other.. =/
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