Haerts Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Last night I was talking with my boyfriend about something that he does and I don't like. He got mad at that. I don't really feel free to share my concerns because when I do, he gets upset, says that maybe we shouldn't be together and that I never accept him the way he is. There are things about him that I'd like him to change and that's why I mention. Just like the opposite occurs too. I suppose it's normal in a relationship, isn't it? Anyway, he said something that really got me second guessing our relationship and I've been down since that. He said: "You're far from being perfect. You're very far from being what I want you to be. But I accept you the way you are." I don't know but am I supposed to take that as something good? I mean, no one is perfect but it felt like he's accepting me for the sake of it. If I'm that far from being what he wants, then why is he with me in the first place?
Rydo Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I think you're over thinking it. He was offended so tried to offend you back slightly. It doesn't really matter what you want each other to be like as long as you don't stop wanting it in each other. When you no longer want the other person at all that's when you have a problem.
stillafool Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Last night I was talking with my boyfriend about something that he does and I don't like. He got mad at that. I don't really feel free to share my concerns because when I do, he gets upset, says that maybe we shouldn't be together and that I never accept him the way he is. There are things about him that I'd like him to change and that's why I mention. Just like the opposite occurs too. I suppose it's normal in a relationship, isn't it? Anyway, he said something that really got me second guessing our relationship and I've been down since that. He said: "You're far from being perfect. You're very far from being what I want you to be. But I accept you the way you are." I don't know but am I supposed to take that as something good? I mean, no one is perfect but it felt like he's accepting me for the sake of it. If I'm that far from being what he wants, then why is he with me in the first place? When I compare the two statements above they are pretty much saying the same thing except that he is willing to accept you the way you are even though there are some things about you he would like to change. No this wasn't a compliment but a fact. 1
kendahke Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 . There are things about him that I'd like him to change He said: But I accept you the way you are." I don't know but am I supposed to take that as something good? I mean, no one is perfect but it felt like he's accepting me for the sake of it. If I'm that far from being what he wants, then why is he with me in the first place? Then what's the point of being with him? If he's not who you want, then go find who you want. 3
PegNosePete Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 says that maybe we shouldn't be together I think ^^ this ^^ is more concerning than anything else in your post. A couple, who accept each other the way they are, should never say that to one another. 1
Ic1 Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I'm sure there's a side to the story from his perspective, but I'd say his reaction of anger and arrogance (if your topics are reasonable) is a red flag. Not being able to listen about issues is bad for many things outside of dating too. But I'll say again: I don't know his perspective, and this could be something you should work on if it'll work between you two.
Wewon Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Last night I was talking with my boyfriend about something that he does and I don't like. He got mad at that. I don't really feel free to share my concerns because when I do, he gets upset, says that maybe we shouldn't be together and that I never accept him the way he is. There are things about him that I'd like him to change and that's why I mention. Just like the opposite occurs too. I suppose it's normal in a relationship, isn't it? Anyway, he said something that really got me second guessing our relationship and I've been down since that. He said: "You're far from being perfect. You're very far from being what I want you to be. But I accept you the way you are." I don't know but am I supposed to take that as something good? I mean, no one is perfect but it felt like he's accepting me for the sake of it. If I'm that far from being what he wants, then why is he with me in the first place? Without some context or examples, this is hard to get a grip on, so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. Your conversation reminds me of something that happened with me and my ex in my 20s. And I responded, almost word-for-word, like your boyfriend did. I didn't say anything specific (like she did) I just threw the generic sentiment out there. My intent was for her to realize that I wasn't doing this to her and she probably wouldn't like it if I did. The true mind-**** came later when herself and other women all made the claim that "this was a part of relationships", and "You don't understand women" "She was trying to help". But none of it settled with me, it only made me feel bad and like I had to be a faceless whipping boy with no autonomy of my own. Then later, after we broke up, it hit me why none of the rebuttles made sense. She wasn't criticizing me for my benefit. She wasn't trying to stop a gambling problem, reckless spending, or a smoking addiction. All of her criticism was about her as she was trying to stitch together some perfect boyfriend and unfortunately, this "person" i.e. me, was the only roadblock. My point is this...what are you trying to change and why? Are this issues that are creating trouble for him or are they simply annoyances to you? Finally, what's more important, changing these things or keeping your relationship? 2
angel.eyes Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Can you give specific examples? That would be helpful. Generally, relationships involve some adjustment and compromise. They also involve accepting your partner for who he is because the good significantly outweighs his "flaws," and those perceived flaws are things that aren't central to you. Are you picking your battles or just nitpicking everything? Difficult to say without concrete information. BTW, if someone threatens to breakup whenever you voice a concern, you aren't in a healthy relationship. I would take him up on his offer and find someone else.
EricaH329 Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I apologize ahead of time for picking apart your post, but I feel the need to comment on some things you've said. I don't really feel free to share my concerns because when I do, he gets upset, says that maybe we shouldn't be together and that I never accept him the way he is. He thinks you never accept him the way he is? One of two things come to mind after reading this. 1 - He is overreacting (which, if this is the case then you have every right to express), and 2 - That you bring up things that you'd like him to change often (which, quite frankly isn't fair - and a lot for anyone to deal with). I think to get a better grasp of the real situation, knowing which one of those two options it is will give us a bit more insight. There are things about him that I'd like him to change and that's why I mention. What types of things? The way he folds his laundry? The way he eats? Examples of things you'd like him to change, again, would be really helpful for us so that we can give you the most accurate advice. Just like the opposite occurs too. So, he tells you things that he'd like you to change as well? Have you mentioned this to him when he gets upset about you expressing changes you'd like him to make? He said: "You're far from being perfect. You're very far from being what I want you to be. But I accept you the way you are." Again, if you do this often - I can see where his frustration is coming from. However, either way, it's a snide comment. Probably something you should have mentioned after he said it. I mean, no one is perfect but it felt like he's accepting me for the sake of it. No one does this. No one. What's the point of being with someone just to be with someone? If that's the case, then I think there are bigger issues to be addressed. If I'm that far from being what he wants, then why is he with me in the first place? Because, like you and him both stated, no one is perfect. Relationships are about accepting the other for their faults, and still seeing through to the person they really are and loving them for it. Sure, relationships are about compromise - but they are about compromising in regards to the relationship dynamic. Not compromising who you are as a person. There's a fine line - and I think you need to make the determination in whether or not you are asking HIM to change as a person or needing him to change for the sake of the relationship running as smoothly as possible. 1
Myragal Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Meh...a lot of banter. What I have learned is what we all know...males have a lot of potential for aggression. Most are healthy and control it fine. However, every so often it seeps out. A bit of verbal expression. Context is everything. When I have a partner say something off putting I will often give him a smile and a look to try and make him laugh. Break the tension. Then give him a kiss. I don't mind if a guy gets angry once in a while in a verbal way...the key being once in a while and not the norm. I don't want my guy to be a trained dog that can't express himself.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 What did you tell him you want him to change, and how exactly did you phrase it? And no, I don't think he was trying to compliment you.
Odinani Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Of course it is not a compliment! How long have you been dating this individual?
basil67 Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 It wasn't a compliment. It was a statement of fact. He knows that it's wrong to try and change a person. He knows that we have to accept our partner for who they are - or not bother. And he's right - if you can't accept him for who he is, then you're probably better off not being together. At this point, I suggest you figure out if you can accept him for who he is. If you can't, then end it. 1
TexasMan68 Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 When you run that through the ******* guy language decoder it comes back as: I couldn't find a hotter chic but you're pretty cool so I'll settle for now. Out of the mouth the heart speaks.
kismetkismet Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 It doesn't sound like you two like each other all that much. If there are so many things that you don't like about him then why are you with him? You should never go into a relationship expecting that person to change.. that's a waste of everyone's time in addition to being hurtful. What are the things you want him to change? 1
Buddhist Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 There are things about him that I'd like him to change and that's why I mention. Just like the opposite occurs too. I suppose it's normal in a relationship, isn't it? Anyway, he said something that really got me second guessing our relationship and I've been down since that. He said: "You're far from being perfect. You're very far from being what I want you to be. But I accept you the way you are." Your boyfriend is wise. He is telling you point blank that part of his love for you is unconditional and he's expecting the same from you. Relationships are like this, no-one will ever be perfect and it only creates resentment when you attempt to fix a partners less attractive qualities. He's giving you a clear warning out of what I believe is real love for you. Accept his faults and flaws with some degree of equanimity and focus on the part you do like. That is what he is doing with you. 3
dragonfire13 Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 I think he's speaking out of insecurity and frustration, probably got defensive because he feels like he's being attacked when you try to resolve issues. Im super critical myself so I have to watch what I say sometimes. You can either try and confront issues in a different way, or find someone less sensitive.
burnt Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 he gets upset, says that maybe we shouldn't be together and that I never accept him the way he is. There are things about him that I'd like him to change If you say you love him, then love him for who he is, not how you think he should be based on your ideas and your perception. You can mention things that he does that bothers you, but don't try to change him. Allow him to make the decision to change or define himself as he wishes. He said: "You're far from being perfect. You're very far from being what I want you to be. But I accept you the way you are." Yes, it is a compliment in a certain way. It's a very powerful compliment actually. It's easy to love someone who appears 'perfect', but when you love someone in spite of the things about them that you dislike, it says a lot--that you love them, as they are. If I'm that far from being what he wants, then why is he with me in the first place? He's not saying you are not what he wants, he's saying, he wants you, despite of your your imperfections. I think you should be very happy for his honest comments. If he feels that instead of being encouraged and inspired to be himself, he is being pushed or pressured to change or be in a certain way according your needs or expectations, in the long run, slowly it can build up a lot of resentment.
SpiralOut Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 He was telling you that it's not fair for you to complain about his faults when he doesn't complain about yours. He wants you to return the favour.
blueskyday Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 If you want to change his behavior like having him call more because you want to connect and feel close, that's ok. If you want to change his personality like his shy introverted nature, then that's not ok. We must accept our partner's personality and overlook little quirks. We can ask for adjustments and changes so we can be a couple. Just know where the line is. The happiest couples actually idealize each other. They think the other is perfect, even if their rational mind knows otherwise. Don't sweat the little things.
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