Was my friend trying to put the moves on my H?

[Gigi2015]

Hi everyone! I'm new here and would appreciate your input. I have a friend which whom I've shared many confidences, as well as details of marital difficulties. She was also experiencing marital troubles and we relied on each other for support. She has really changed towards me in the course of the last year. Her behavior has been outright bizarre. I'm no longer communicating with her because I feel there's something she is not being honest about and doesn't have my best interests at heart.

 

This all began unraveling when I shared with her that I was very upset my husband was snooping on me. I shared I found he was receiving all my call logs, GPS location, pictures, visited web pages, etc. at the time I felt he may have been trying to find something to use against in case of divorce....or that he wanted to know just how much I knew about him. I shared that if he was going that far, it was possible he was listening to my phone conversations as well.

 

I began to notice she was no longer sending family pics. She started sending pics of herself in tight clothing and bathing suits(asking my opinion as to how she looked in them). Following that she began to speak about herself in a highly sexual way. She'd say things like " My boobs are so big and bouncy", I want to have sex 24/7. She even offered to send a pic of her boobs, to which I responded, " why on earth would I want a pic of your boobs?!"

 

I was totally confounded and it was until later it occurred to me she perhaps thought she had my husband as her audience. After all she knew he was getting all my pics, messages and possibly even listening to my calls. I also considered the possibility she might be gay. When I asked her in a non-threatening way she responded NO. She began asking very specific questions about my sex life. For instance...was my husband the one initiating sex, was he giving me oral sex. What would I do if I were to find out my husband had been having an affair off and on....

 

At the beginning of our friendship, her husband had cheated on her and she was emotionally devastated. She expressed her agony but never once cried. This is were it became bizarre to me. I had a huge fight with my H. I told her I felt terrified I was losing him and that I was hurting so badly I could hardly breathe. Suddenly, she let out a huge, loud cry and said,"Gigi I'm sorry. I'm so sorry". Her reaction seemed extreme. Almost like an apology...

 

She also giggled inappropriately when I voiced my concern about my husband 's whereabouts after a fight(on two separate occasions). There have been other strange occurrences. I feel like she has been trying to tell me something. Please give me your opinion as to what you think. Thanks in advance!

Edited November 12, 2015 by Gigi2015

[TaraMaiden2]

I think you divorce your H and drop her as a friend.

 

Sorted.

[Gigi2015]

I think you divorce your H and drop her as a friend.

 

Sorted.

My husband and I are working on our relationship. He has been a loving and wonderful husband for most of our 22 years together. The past two years have been tough off and on. I love him dearly and want to make it work if he'll have me.

I've already dropped my friend. I don't think she's trust worthy. I continued to talk to her for a while because I believed she was on the verge of telling me something. I feel like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. If this were to have happened to you, what would you think she was trying to do or doing?

[TaraMaiden2]

My husband and I are working on our relationship. He has been a loving and wonderful husband for most of our 22 years together. The past two years have been tough off and on. I love him dearly and want to make it work if he'll have me.

Bad attitude. He has to want this as much as you do. If there's a distinct shortfall on his side of things, no matter what you do, you'll never make up for it.

 

I take it you're in marital counselling?

 

 

I've already dropped my friend. I don't think she's trust worthy. I continued to talk to her for a while because I believed she was on the verge of telling me something. I feel like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. If this were to have happened to you, what would you think she was trying to do or doing?

I think she's forked your husband.

In other words, she offered herself up on a plate and he made a meal of it.

 

That's why in marital counselling, you have to be 100% honest.

Have you asked him if he had an affair with her?

Given her weird responses, I would say they did. Put it to him that she confessed as much. Is he going to deny it?

[Gigi2015]

My husband is being caring and affectionate and I feel like he wants to be in this marriage. He's spending a lot of quality time with me. I feel we are both nurturing our relationship. I've only recently begun considering the possibility that she was interested in him. She was in contact with him(asking how I was doing) when I was sick 1.5 years ago. I just hope she didn't use it as an opportunity to talk about our marital issues. I know some women are predatory that way to gain some intimacy and then keep that door open. I'm sure she was coming across as "concerned". She has never visited my house when he's here. I simply feel ridiculous asking my husband that question. I have no indication he has been in contact with her....all I have are her weird behavior and comments. I want more than ever to be wrong. Maybe she was hoping to land him. He's nice looking and successful. She is in the process of divorcing her 3rd husband. Thanks for your input on this. I even thought I was being paranoid. I was having some strong suspicions that he was cheating. I felt really insecure and straight out asked if he was having an affair. He said no. He said he's never cheated on me. We've have major trust issues and he's told he feels hopeless that I'll ever trust him again. I feel if I ask that he'll think I'm nuts and worse it may destroy the progress we've made.

Edited November 12, 2015 by Gigi2015

[TaraMaiden2]

My husband is being caring and affectionate and I feel like he wants to be in this marriage. He's spending a lot of quality time with me.

Out of devotion, or out of guilt?

 

I feel we are both nurturing our relationship.

You 'feel'.

As I asked, have you gone for Marital Counselling?

 

I've only recently begun considering the possibility that she was interested in him. She was in contact with him(asking how I was doing) when I was sick 1.5 years ago. I just hope she didn't use it as an opportunity to talk about our marital issues. I know some women are predatory that way to gain some intimacy and then keep that door open. I'm sure she was coming across as "concerned".

Well, yes, a mistress needs some kind of excuse. I still smell a rat....

 

She has never visited my house when he's here. I simply feel ridiculous asking my husband that question. I have no indication he has been in contact with her....all I have are her weird behavior and comments.

It only sounds weird because you've disconnected the possibility of an EA or PA... If you consider that in fact, they might have had a fling - does it all sound so weird now?

I'm not trying to put doubts in your head. Rather, I'm suggesting you remove the rose-tinted spectacles....

 

I want more than ever to be wrong.

Yes, me too....

 

Maybe she was hoping to land him. He's nice looking and successful. She is in the process of divorcing her 3rd husband.

Why? She sounds like a bit of a predator/player.

Some guys do go weak at the knees when confronted by a cougar like her. Their heads get turned....

 

Thanks for your input on this. I even thought I was being paranoid.

I hope your fears are groundless.

But I wouldn't be so quick to take your H at face value.

 

You say your H has been caring and affectionate. Yet you also say he was doing this:

I was very upset my husband was snooping on me. I shared I found he was receiving all my call logs, GPS location, pictures, visited web pages, etc. at the time I felt he may have been trying to find something to use against in case of divorce....or that he wanted to know just how much I knew about him.

(Why did he do this? What did he suspect? Did you give him cause to be suspicious?)

 

Then you say this about her....

She started sending pics of herself in tight clothing and bathing suits(asking my opinion as to how she looked in them). Following that she began to speak about herself in a highly sexual way. She'd say things like " My boobs are so big and bouncy", I want to have sex 24/7. She even offered to send a pic of her boobs, to which I responded, " why on earth would I want a pic of your boobs?!"

 

I was totally confounded and it was until later it occurred to me she perhaps thought she had my husband as her audience.....What would I do if I were to find out my husband had been having an affair off and on....

 

Finally, after you express a concern he may be having an affair, this happens:

Suddenly, she let out a huge, loud cry and said,"Gigi I'm sorry. I'm so sorry". Her reaction seemed extreme. Almost like an apology...

 

She also giggled inappropriately when I voiced my concern about my husband 's whereabouts after a fight(on two separate occasions).

 

You may well have voiced your concerns to your H about her.

Have you? Because this would add suspicion to the possibility that they DID have an affair....Hence the improvement in his attitude.....

[No Limit]

Maybe it's time you monitor your H. Or you put the pistol to his chest and ask him about her, watch his reaction.

Personally I think you were just monitored by an OW to make sure things are going smoothly, perhaps your H didn't have the nerve for a long-term affair.

[Gigi2015]

I have never given my spouse any reason to think I would cheat. Ive never cheated because I love and respect him. He signed us up for the iCloud. It was months before I realized he was getting all my info and data. Of course I wasn't getting ANY of his data. He says he did it inadvertently and hadn't noticed. The way I found out is my son called from a new number to my husband's cell. He forgot to leave his number, so I scrolled through my H's phone to find it....then I saw all my incoming and outgoing calls on his phone. That prompted me to look further....that's when I realized he was getting ALL my info. I stopped talking to her once before because I felt like she was attempting to make me feel insecure. At that time I expressed that I had gone back to talking to her, because it seemed there was something she needed to tell me...like she was on the verge of telling me something important. He didn't even ask what it could be. She's divorcing soon...I don't think she'll ever tell me the truth. She's now dating a married man or so she said( maybe throwing me off). Morality aside I think she's cruel. I had gained 50 pounds last year(thyroid issues and I had never been overweight before). but lost them this year. When I mentioned I had gained five back she giggled....it's weird. So glad I'm no longer talking to her.

[Gigi2015]

Maybe it's time you monitor your H. Or you put the pistol to his chest and ask him about her, watch his reaction.

Personally I think you were just monitored by an OW to make sure things are going smoothly, perhaps your H didn't have the nerve for a long-term affair.

 

I guess I never allowed myself to go there. But--her behavior was exactly that of a monitoring agent. I hate I shared so much info with her. Well if I'd ever need to monitor the situation I'd have her followed LOL. My H said something curious....When I told him I was no longer talking to her, he said," I bet she'll be passive-aggressive about this." Ive never talked to him much about her....that's a comment you make when you know somebody....

[TaraMaiden2]

I have never given my spouse any reason to think I would cheat. Ive never cheated because I love and respect him. He signed us up for the iCloud. It was months before I realized he was getting all my info and data. Of course I wasn't getting ANY of his data. He says he did it inadvertently and hadn't noticed. The way I found out is my son called from a new number to my husband's cell. He forgot to leave his number, so I scrolled through my H's phone to find it....then I saw all my incoming and outgoing calls on his phone. That prompted me to look further....that's when I realized he was getting ALL my info. I stopped talking to her once before because I felt like she was attempting to make me feel insecure. At that time I expressed that I had gone back to talking to her, because it seemed there was something she needed to tell me...like she was on the verge of telling me something important. He didn't even ask what it could be. She's divorcing soon...I don't think she'll ever tell me the truth. She's now dating a married man or so she said( maybe throwing me off). Morality aside I think she's cruel. I had gained 50 pounds last year(thyroid issues and I had never been overweight before). but lost them this year. When I mentioned I had gained five back she giggled....it's weird. So glad I'm no longer talking to her.

 

Maybe he didn't need to ask....

 

 

Make sure there is absolutely no contact with her at all.

Don't check up on her, don't listen to her, don't show any interest in her activities (the fact she says she's now dating a married man...? Quality....!) so make sure she is completely erased from your life - and make sure she can never get a handle on yours.

 

I still believe you guys could do with counselling.

[Gigi2015]

Maybe he didn't need to ask....

 

 

Make sure there is absolutely no contact with her at all.

Don't check up on her, don't listen to her, don't show any interest in her activities (the fact she says she's now dating a married man...? Quality....!) so make sure she is completely erased from your life - and make sure she can never get a handle on yours.

 

I still believe you guys could do with counselling.

 

I only continued talking to her to see if she'd disclose what she appeared to want to unload. I think everything that comes out of her mouth is manipulation and lies. I have no intention to let her back into my life....ever. Once she divorces, she'll be scrambling to get someone to pay her bills.....looking for husband#4. Good luck to the man who signs up for that. In my opinion if a married man falls for this dishonest, disloyal person he needs to get a divorce and marry her quickly. They'd deserve each other. While she was unemployed and her husband was out earning a living, taking care of her children(2kids that aren't even his!) she was having affairs with other married men.....she's only confessed recently.

[Gigi2015]

She said she's dating a married man - have you considered it could be your husband?

 

 

Sadly yes. She sent me a pic and and told me they couple owned a horticulture business. I found out who he was from her FB page. She was shocked to find out I figured out who he was. I told her I thought what she was doing was horribly cruel to the man's wife. . After all she herself had been cheated on and new the horrible pain a person feels. I suggested she'd come clean. She panicked. A couple of days later she said she had told the man's wife and confessed to her husband. I think she thought I may contact the wife and blow her cover or....she was trying to deflect suspicion by saying this man was the ap...in the end she said her husband didn't want for anyone to know. Her husband is incapable of keeping anything to himself...I know that's a lie! I personally it may be a lie to throw me off her scent. I feel like contacting the woman to check if she lied. I bet neither of them know. She's also been making some big purchases considering her husband is broke.

[Mystique01]

Listen to your instinct Gigi.... We women were born with incredible intuition. LISTEN to it. Instead of listening to warning signs, we usually try to ignore the signs and forget about it because it's too painful. But deep inside you feel it.

 

You know something isn't right.

 

 

I suspect that your husband has cheated on you with your friend. Her behavior and his just seem a little too weird/suspicious. In fact, the very fact that he was tapping your phones and web pages, etc leads me to suspect even MORE that he's been unfaithful. Usually people who are cheating always suspect the person they are cheating on are cheating as well. It's weird how that plays out, but yes...usually when you're guilty, you suspect the OTHER person is doing the same dirty things you're doing.

 

I don't trust your friend. And YES I think she was deliberately making her text messages and pictures more sexual because now she has your husband as an audience.

 

I don't trust her at ALL. And if she is indeed dating a "married man", that's even MORE reason to NOT trust her. Her morals are all wrong. She has no moral compass.

 

Honestly, I think your husband has cheated. Maybe not with her, but more than likely he has. I hope I'm wrong, but a lot of times men (and women) aren't going to just come out and say they've cheated. They will deny it. Until you have evidence, they will deny it to the death.

 

Even President Bill Clinton denied it to the whole American Public. Oral sex is STILL sex/cheating/infidelity.

[Gigi2015]

Listen to your instinct Gigi.... We women were born with incredible intuition. LISTEN to it. Instead of listening to warning signs, we usually try to ignore the signs and forget about it because it's too painful. But deep inside you feel it.

 

You know something isn't right.

 

 

I suspect that your husband has cheated on you with your friend. Her behavior and his just seem a little too weird/suspicious. In fact, the very fact that he was tapping your phones and web pages, etc leads me to suspect even MORE that he's been unfaithful. Usually people who are cheating always suspect the person they are cheating on are cheating as well. It's weird how that plays out, but yes...usually when you're guilty, you suspect the OTHER person is doing the same dirty things you're doing.

 

I don't trust your friend. And YES I think she was deliberately making her text messages and pictures more sexual because now she has your husband as an audience.

 

I don't trust her at ALL. And if she is indeed dating a "married man", that's even MORE reason to NOT trust her. Her morals are all wrong. She has no moral compass.

 

Honestly, I think your husband has cheated. Maybe not with her, but more than likely he has. I hope I'm wrong, but a lot of times men (and women) aren't going to just come out and say they've cheated. They will deny it. Until you have evidence, they will deny it to the death.

 

Even President Bill Clinton denied it to the whole American Public. Oral sex is STILL sex/cheating/infidelity.[/quote

 

I stopped trusting her long ago when I really think of it. I don't trust people who want respect, loyalty and compassion but are willing to be satisfied if they gain happiness at someone else's expense. It's been a slow awakening (7 months)...but I'm wide awake.

[Mystique01]

I stopped trusting her long ago when I really think of it. I don't trust people who want respect, loyalty and compassion but are willing to be satisfied if they gain happiness at someone else's expense. It's been a slow awakening (7 months)...but I'm wide awake.

 

Good for you

[Gigi2015]

Thank you for all your responses and time. I felt like I would've exploded with anxiety today if I weren't to have been able to get it out. Everyone here was kind and helpful...I feel like there are a few things I can persue to reassure myself that I'm doing the right thing. Most importantly I need to remember any good man would like to have me as a wife. I'm loyal and kind and pretty sure I shouldn't settle for less than any decent human being deserves...

Edited November 12, 2015 by Gigi2015

[Gigi2015]

Thanks for all the kind people who cared to reply. Today was a bad day of insecurity and I felt as if I'd burst if I didn't get it out. I'm a foreign girl, not too extroverted , and with no family around. I do feel like I treat close friends as family....that's why this was so difficult. Also--not ever once in my life have I I've ever felt insecure about a friend. I feel I deserve as good as I'm giving.....if my partner where to be cheating I'd be ok with starting over....I believe I can do better than putting up with betrayal.

Edited November 12, 2015 by Gigi2015

[Mystique01]

I'm glad you received some good advice on here Gigi. Glad to hear you're feeling better too.

 

I think everything will be okay. But in the future just remember that while most people are good and have good intentions, you can't always trust EVERYONE that crosses your path. You seem like a nice person, and while some people appreciate that, others may take advantage.

 

Just always remember to listen to your gut. If something doesn't feel right, 9 times out of 10 there's a reason why. Trust your intuition!

[mystikmind2005]

All pretty good advice here, but it will be better to find out something more substantial if you can?

 

You know the old saying, keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer!

 

Keep that woman close if you can, then drop a spontaneous visit to her when your Husband happens to be 'out' for a dubious reason.

[Gigi2015]

All pretty good advice here, but it will be better to find out something more substantial if you can?

 

You know the old saying, keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer!

 

Keep that woman close if you can, then drop a spontaneous visit to her when your Husband happens to be 'out' for a dubious reason.

 

That's why I did what I did....but--in the end she wasn't going to reveal her intentions and frankly I think my best bet is to never talk to her again. For 6 months I've discovered she is a dangerous person with no respect for anyone or anything. I'll probably NEVER figure out her angle. Maybe she's Bipolar ( her mother, father and sister are)....or has some kind of hyper sexual disorder.we bonded because I thought we had similar values....now I know it was all a sham. I'm happy she's no longer in my life. From everything I know she's a destructive tornado.

[preraph]

All you need to do is block her texts or emails. She will know why and apparently doesn't give a crap. Just don't say a word and just block her. Tell her if she wants to talk to you she'll have to call. I wouldn't trust her either. Be sure she didn't have your H's cell number. Check and see if he has anything from her. If so, time for a showdown with him about it and he has to block her too.

[Gigi2015]

All you need to do is block her texts or emails. She will know why and apparently doesn't give a crap. Just don't say a word and just block her. Tell her if she wants to talk to you she'll have to call. I wouldn't trust her either. Be sure she didn't have your H's cell number. Check and see if he has anything from her. If so, time for a showdown with him about it and he has to block her too.

 

 

I don't look through his cell. He keeps it closely guarded and I simply feel weird doing it. I think it odd when I cut-off communication before and she called me from a different cell. At that point I was still hoping she'd say something useful...so I took her call. I can't imagine my husband being so stupid as to being ensnared by this person...she has been involved with 3 married guys in 6 months. I simply don't care to have a relationship with her. She no longer cares about anything but her own satisfaction and I know for a fact there is a diagnosis in the works...I feel free to to not have to deal with her. Still....I hope the best for her. I'm not sure how or why she became so derailed but her family history predicts it.

[RedRobin]

I think this 'friend' is a distraction.

 

It's your H who is the problem. It doesn't really matter who your H might have cheated with. If it wasn't this chick, it would be another.

 

He is acting strange. If I were you, I'd put your ducks in a row for when D day happens. Don't let his behavior unduly affect you. You aren't the one cheating.

 

He puts a lock on his phone, does he? Yet has access to all of your personal info? That has to change. Full disclosure and no secrets. Or else you really don't have much of a marriage if you ask me.

[Gigi2015]

I think this 'friend' is a distraction.

 

It's your H who is the problem. It doesn't really matter who your H might have cheated with. If it wasn't this chick, it would be another.

 

He is acting strange. If I were you, I'd put your ducks in a row for when D day happens. Don't let his behavior unduly affect you. You aren't the one cheating.

 

He puts a lock on his phone, does he? Yet has access to all of your personal info? That has to change. Full disclosure and no secrets. Or else you really don't have much of a marriage if you ask me.

 

 

You've hit the nail on the head, although you must admit the situation with my friend was quite bizarre. My H has left home to spend the night at a hotel for no good reason....over a petty argument. He changed his as passcode on his credit card so I couldn't see the charges. He admitted his reasons to be gone were petty..,I'm considering I may be in the cheaper to keep her category. He's behaving with such entitlement... I deserve better. I'm just now realizing I've been beating myself up over nothing. I'm working on getting stronger and not allowing anyone to wipe their feet on me....I'm now ready to see the truth.

[preraph]

I don't look through his cell. He keeps it closely guarded and I simply feel weird doing it. I think it odd when I cut-off communication before and she called me from a different cell. At that point I was still hoping she'd say something useful...so I took her call. I can't imagine my husband being so stupid as to being ensnared by this person...she has been involved with 3 married guys in 6 months. I simply don't care to have a relationship with her. She no longer cares about anything but her own satisfaction and I know for a fact there is a diagnosis in the works...I feel free to to not have to deal with her. Still....I hope the best for her. I'm not sure how or why she became so derailed but her family history predicts it.

 

There are lots of men who will be glad to be her one-niter. Don't assume your man is above it. I still think you should block her. But first, if you know any guy who is a whole lot of trouble, you should speak nicely of him and introduce her to him and then block her.