9 months post break-up still hurting

[marky00]

I posted a long time ago about a 9 year plus long distance relationship breakup. Breakup was very ugly from my perspective, as the news was broken to me when I went to visit her with some of my family. Break up happened in Feb of this year.

 

Anyhow, I'm still in a bad place rite now and feel like this thing is just going to go for ever.

 

Post breakup, I went NC rite away for about 40 days or so after walking away. I did this against my natural instinct to plead my case etc (since I was already in her country). But I think the way she did it so unexpectedly and admitting another guy was involved, it was the first time I was faced with a mountain I could not overcome.

 

So over the last 6 months or so, I did break NC maybe 3 or 4 times, so a call maybe once every 6 weeks or so. 1 or 2 of those calls were in response to text messages that she sent.

 

The calls initiated by me were to get her side of the story as to why the breakup happened so badly and unexpectedly. Well unfortunately for me, the story I was given made it worse for me. The story I was given was that the day I arrived in Thailand (the day b4 valentines day, Friday the 13th), this new guy seemed to flirt on her hard probably using Valentines day as the catlyst). The reason why the story is even worse for me is that the nice message I sent her when I arrived in Thailand didnt get to her due to a bad wifi link (but I didnt realise that until i got back home). So while, I am sleeping in a hotel after a plane flight and working very hard for 6 weeks, this other guy has made a power move on her and I haven't even made a whisper.

 

The reason why this story hurts me so much is that it makes it harder for me to get angry at her. I mean if she told me she was doing the dirty on me for 5 months, ironically that story would have suited me better. You see, I also didnt send her a travel itenirary this time so she didnt know the exact day and time I was arriving. Although we did speak 2 days before I arrived when she called me about bringing a bottle or fragrance (and she did say "see you in 2 days" so I guess she knew the day even though she denied it later).

 

I reliase that people dont make such big decisions overnight and thus things must have been in the balance for a while and essentially made a decision when she was finally forced to. Actually 1 time, I told her I dint believe her story (secretly hoping to get a new one). She then gave me a slightly different version saying she knew she was going to break up with me B4 i arrived but didnt tell me because she knew I would want a face-to-face (which is true based on a short breakup that happened a few years back). I then asked her which of the stories is true and she said "go with the one that sounds the most believable". I don't know, I somehow feel she gave me the second one to make me feel better. I mean in the 5 days before I arrived she asked me to buy her a plane ticket to take here to her home town in Thailand. She would have to be very sick in the head to have asked that request if she knew the breakup was happening.

 

Moving forward in time. In last 3 calls or so, she told me that she was fighting a lot with this new guy. Probably not a big suprise as 3 to 6 months into a relationship is when people try to figure out their boundaries etc. Somehow in these conversations she also went on to say that she wouldn't rule out a relationship with us in the future. YEH YEH i know ur all going to say im option B etc etc.

 

Well about a month ago she texted me about an issue with her computer. Well I wasnt all that keen on helping but I used that moment to talk other matters (better than me initiating contact). Anyway, we had like a 4 hour phone call. Was pretty heavy stuff about where we stood etc etc. She was talking about all the breakup in detail remembering for instance that I suggested I stay in Thailand for an extra week to make a better/fairer desicion (does this sound like someone who has moved on?) She also went on to say that when this relationship ends, that she 100% wants us to try again and would try and contact me more regularly. YEH YEH i know plan B again. She also said I can call her whenever I want.

 

A week after that she texted me again (comp issues again). I was bit reluctant to call back because it had only been a week. Anyway I called like 20 minutes later, she answered an the said culd i call her back in 15 minutes which i did and she never answered. My guess is she was on phone to bf (prolly fighting again). Anyway, never heard from her again since then which was like 3 weeks ago or so. I will admit it hurt me a little but after 9 months of this bs you do become better at handling it. Anyway it gave me a good reason to go full NC again which I have maintained.

 

Anyway last night I was getting an urge to contact. But I then reminded myself nothing positive would come out of it so I stayed strong. Also by contacting I feel like I lose the chance to really discover her true actions. I mean its been over 3 weeks and no follow up msg explaining her poor behaviour a few weeks back. I mean you dont even treat a random off the street that way.

 

I have sort of reached a difficult stage now where I know that contact is counter-productive and to my credit against all my urges I have remained calm and held-off as much as possible last 9 months. Sure, I have blown off a little steam in the conversations but I have never attacked her, blamed her, cried pleaded , begged etc. I would say I have probably more tried to reason with her and simply understand the breakup and understand where we are at now. I guess that when you know you truly love someone as I do this person. I hold back on my urges and wants and desires for the better of us as a whole and the relationship (in whatever capacity that is now).

 

Everyone around me and u guys will tell me "move on". Yep heard it a thousand times. Yet why does my gut tell me the book on this relationship isn't fully closed. Why do I feel like I could call her tonight and she will pick up the phone and entertain talk about the the past for hours. If i'm reading the signs all wrong then why does she not set me straight 100 percent. I told her to please not say she sees us being in the future to just make me feel better. Her response was "I would not tell you that if I felt otherwise".

 

You see long distance relationships make this situation more difficult to understand. We sometimes went NC for 3 weeks etc at times i the relationship and as long as 9 months in between a face-face visit. I guess you could say we both learnt to live apart and improvise, yet when we met up, each time it was like we took off from where we left off.

 

I strongly feel that this breakup would not have happened if this new guy didnt come on to the scence. The last 6 months had been really positive in terms of contact and effort and the momentum i had from finally putting my dog down. There was a 2 year period or so that put a huge toll on the relationship. My dog became sick/deaf after an operation which meant besides work I was bascially stuck at home with him for 2 years. That situation made me quite ill whilst I was living through it but made me a better person to get through it. I did contemplate putting the dog down earlier but my ex gf's lack of empathy and assistance somehow didnt give me the convincing I needed to go though with it. I know now that it was my decision to make and only mine but when ur partner just says "hey its ur life" instead of giving me some guidance, you tend to dig your heels more into fighting your own battle.

 

This issue with the dog is definately a driving force why I dont want to let this thing go completely. An external force happened in my life that really would have broken up any relationship. Long distance relationships are tough enough without such an external factor which means even less contact and holidays etc. I suppose you could say I feel more vindication chasing after her because I know I was faced with such an adversity and that that issue would not be present in the future. I'm not holding on to this person because of a damaged ego. I love her, that's it.

 

Where to from here I don't know. I know that staying calm and staying NC (within reason) is the best option right now. But sadly I am going to admit here that I cant let this thing go 100 percent completely.

 

If I was to contact her rite now id say something like this:

 

"The way you handled the breakup was indeed very hurtful and disappointing. However I of course acknowledge my role in what may have led to the break-up. All I can ask you do to is remember the good times and try and understand that I unfortunately lost myself for a while during the personal issues i was facing. Yes, you had to live through that and I am sad that both of us suffered in our own ways during that time. Ironically I became a better person during that time and knew exactly what i wanted and knew I had the strength to follow my dreams. I appreciate the fact you tried to stay during the tough times and am of course disappointed that you left when the good times were upon us."

 

I'm sure all you people will crucify me now for talking like this. Luckily for me, I am prepared for your responses.

Edited November 12, 2015 by marky00

[Silver_star]

Are you looking for advice to help you out long run or do you just want to present your situation and defend having feelings for her still?

What do you want out of this?

 

It's completely natural to still have feelings for this person you invested so much into even though she doesn't feel the same way.

It's foolish.

If you send that note to her you are coming off super needy, clingy and desperate. She treated you horribly and all you do is make excuses for her behaviour. You should care more about yourself. You deserve more.

[marky00]

Well I wasnt planning on sending a note as u say.

 

I already said I understand contact is counter-productive for many reasons and yes looking clingy is one of the those reasons. My point was if I one day decided to go all-out for my own sanity, then those words would be what i might say.

 

What am I looking for long-term? Maybe both the reasons u mentioned. I don't know, I just feel like if I was her, I probably would have sent out a killer blow if I was 100 percent done with everything.

 

If you really don't care for someone, you shuldn't be telling them there is hope in future. If i was a dumper I wouldn't say that because it would put more pressure on me.

 

Actually she admitted being selfish when she said " even though we broke up I still want to have you", in one of the phone calls. She is selfish person and doesnt hide it well or I read it between the lines.

 

But seriously why would a selfish person with no care for me at all say there is hope for future? Since she is selfish, she certainly isn't saying that for my own well-being.

Edited November 12, 2015 by marky00

[marky00]

Anyone? Thoughts?

[Silver_star]

Have you read some of these other posts?

I'd say 90% of the dumpers don't give a 100% killer blow to end it. They say they may want to be something in the future but just not now.. They are just too "confused", or there is another option for them at this point that is better than you (realllll nice). It doesn't necessarily mean they will come back to you, but if you are receptive to this behaviour of being a back up plan and them putting you on the back burner they will take advantage of you later if they become single and desperate enough. They are basically saying they want to roll the dice for something better than you (if they haven't already found someone) , but if they can't find it then you will do. Sounds really special doesn't it? Plus they could say those things to you to feel less guilty for hurting you.

[darkbloom]

I would say the main reason that you are still hurting is you keep breaking NC every 6 weeks or so. You gotta knock it off. She is not going to give you the answer that you want to hear. She cannot heal you.

 

You have to let it go. It was unfortunate the way that things went down but it's over. You can't change anything in the past. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. You are so focused on closure from her that you cannot see how much damage it is doing to you. Forget 'why' she broke up with you. It matters not.

 

There are several billion people on this planet and you have wasted 9 months focusing on ONE.

[marky00]

"They are basically saying they want to roll the dice for something better than you (if they haven't already found someone) , but if they can't find it then you will do. Sounds really special doesn't it? Plus they could say those things to you to feel less guilty for hurting you."

 

Yeh well thats what I thought. I guess I was trying to figure out which of the 2 it was. If someone is saying it to lessen guilt that quite frankly disgusts me and is extremely selfish to act like ur helping someone when in truth they are doing it to help themself lessen guilt.

 

The comment came up 4 times at least and I did mention that I no longer wanted to hear it if it was just to make me feel better. She then said " I wouldnt say that if i did not feel that way". Also said the words "even though we broke up I still want to have you".

 

So on face value im going with the me as plan B option. Also because of the financial contributions i made in the relationship and her being from a developing country and her being money driven, I really do think she would be thinking that ill be the prefect fit in like 5 years once she hits 40 and is no longer able to woo guys with her looks etc.

 

Your probably wondering why I am even thinking this stuff. I don't know. I guess i'm just being practical here. If she is saying it to lessen guilt then I don't want a bar of it. With the breakup being so ruthless but, sending out a mixed message 5 times to appease guilt seems counter-intuitive. If i did something that bad I wouldn't even want to face that person as it would just remind of the guilt too much.

 

I guess what it comes down to is just dont trust anything she says now. If i really am a plan B then at least she is being truthful, thank god for that. With truth, I have something to work with even if that thing doesnt suit me. If its to appease guilt she is lying to make herself feel better which causes more hurt for the dumpee (totally disgusting).

 

Which of the two you think it is. Since I plan on staying NC I don't really know if Ill be able to know which of the 2 it is.

[marky00]

I would say the main reason that you are still hurting is you keep breaking NC every 6 weeks or so. You gotta knock it off. She is not going to give you the answer that you want to hear. She cannot heal you.

 

You have to let it go. It was unfortunate the way that things went down but it's over. You can't change anything in the past. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. You are so focused on closure from her that you cannot see how much damage it is doing to you. Forget 'why' she broke up with you. It matters not.

 

There are several billion people on this planet and you have wasted 9 months focusing on ONE.

 

Well I don't know , we will see. I have this gut instinct (I know her so well) that somehow I think she will be back in some capacity. Its possibly that instinct that has drawn the contact out. I certainly haven't burnt my bridges and maybe my contact was try and extinguish the fire she put on her bridge (which I think has partially been done now).

 

Like I said I do love this person and acknowledge my role in the decline of the relationship. That has also been a driving force of some of the contact although I never actually admitted blame in our calls as she doesnt deserve that after the way she ended it.

 

Maybe one day I'll know for sure and i'll be sure to post it here.

Edited November 13, 2015 by marky00

[Silver_star]

I don't know how being her "back up plan" is a relief to you.

That's pretty sad.

 

If you want to wait around for her to be done with all the other men, go for it.

She may be back. But I'd say have some self respect and go find a life without her. If you do that chance are if she does come back you will look back on the relationship with relief you dodged a bullet of someone who is going to treat you as second best option.

[marky00]

Hmmm I wouldnt say its relief.

 

Its probably more that I know that last 20 months of the relationship I really did try hard both in terms of input into the relationship and bettering myself. I would say when she broke up with me I was the best version of myself in years. She also seemed to be trying hard, was like she responded to the positive lead I had initiated.

 

So i guess when sum1 throws the best version of myself out of their country, im going to have some questions to ask myself. If that person has some feelings left for me and the relationship, it does comfort me on that level i suppose.

 

I know she is only 1 person but your partner after all is ur biggest teacher but it maakes it harder to digest a lesson when u don't fully understand the breakup and their feelings at time of break-u and there after.

 

Also with all the bs she has told me, I would have thought after something so horrible the least she culd do is respect me with the truth. But hey maybe she really is that screwed up.