Islander19 Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Hi everyone. I have a situation. I think I know the answers to my problems, but I wanted to write this post anyways and get some feedback. I feel like writing this all down and having a discussion about it will help. So here it goes: There's this girl that works at my office. She started last spring and I was immediately attracted to her. She's just my type, is super nice and has a great sense of humour. We hit it off pretty well after she started there. We didn't interact a lot (we work in different departments) but whenever we ran into each other and talked we always made each other laugh. As much as I was attracted to her, shortly after she started I decided not to pursue her. Inter-office relationships can be a bad idea and I found myself getting too distracted by her. Plus, if I'm being honest, I've always been a bit of a shy guy who's not very good at approaching women. I didn't want to get too fixated on her because I didn't feel like there was anything I could do about it. Part of me also felt like I didn't have a shot with her. I know, I should be more confident, and I'm working on that, but at the time that's just how I felt. So I simply moved on. We would still run into each other occasionally around the office, but I didn't seek her out or make a point of trying to talk with her. Around this time I started having some success with online dating and I was able to get a few dates. In July I met someone and we started dating. I completely forgot about this coworker and all seemed to be well. But by the end of the summer the relationship wasn't exactly working out and I decided to end it. It was around this time that I started to notice this coworker again. Against my better judgement I decided to make an effort to get closer to her. Besides the fact that I was attracted to her we happen to be the same age (almost everyone else we work with is quite a bit older) and shared some common interests. Sure enough, as soon as I put some effort in we started to become friends. We talked more at work. She would stop by my office occasionally to chat, we started sending funny emails to each other etc. I was hopeful that something might happen, but then I learned she has a boyfriend. My first thought was to back off again, as I'm not the type of guy to try and steal a girl from another guy. Obviously there's something to be said for the friendship we had formed, but for my own sanity I thought I should distance myself so I didn't get too into a girl I couldn't have. But at this point I just couldn't. Shortly after I found out she was in a relationship with another guy I started driving her home from work every now and then. It turns out her place is right on my way home. She doesn't drive and doesn't always have a ride, so I offered. It gave us a chance to talk more and sure enough my feelings have grown even stronger. It was right around this time that another girl who I was friends with started pursuing me. This was rather odd as I had never had this happen before. She was sending me clear signals that she wanted to be more than just friends. She started texting me daily and would often drop hints late at night that she wanted me to come over, but I resisted her advances. Besides the fact that my thoughts were consumed by someone else I had just never seen her as anything more than a friend. We got along great but there just weren't any fireworks for me. Never the less, eventually I relented and my text messages with this friend started turning sexual. It's been like that for the last few days, and she's mentioned several times that in the near future she'd like to hook up for real. I've made it clear that I'm not looking for a relationship with her, just something casual. She says she's fine with that, but I've been down this road before and I know that's not always the case. Part of the reason I finally gave in was this coworker. I thought it would be a good idea to start seeing someone so I didn't get too caught up with her. I had started hitting the dating sites again trying to get some dates lined up but I wasn't having any luck. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and just gave in to this friend's advances. So that's where I'm at now. I falling really hard for this coworker, but she has a boyfriend and I don't think it's right that I pursue her. I've decided that if she does become single again that I have to ask her out, no matter how hard that is for me. But until that happens there's nothing I can do. I also have this other girl who's very into me, but I'm just not that into her. It was a mistake let our conversations turn sexual and I'm thinking I need to end it before anything else happens. I was in a bad place and just needed someone to turn to. I knew better and should have been stronger. The logical part of me is telling me to end it it with this friend of mine, forget about this coworker and hit the dating scene again. But I just can't get this girl off my mind. I go online to these dating sites but no one excites me, not like her. I'm mad at myself for letting my feelings get so strong for someone I can't have. I thought I was past this high school crap of getting obsessed with one girl but I'm clearly not Anyways, that's pretty much my story. Sorry, this was a bit of a rant, I just had to get it off my chest. If anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it.
frogs88 Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 You'll find that there's different perspectives on the do's or don't hit on another man's girlfriend. Some think that if there's no marriage then all is fair play. Personally I find it rather questionable and I'd never promote trying to actively insert yourself into a relationship. But ultimately it's your choice I suppose. But I'd suggest to put yourself in the bfs shoes and consider how he might feel is you deliberately piss over his relationship. It sucks to fall in love with someone who's taken though - I'm glad I've left that at high school.
oldshirt Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 If I could go back in time to my youth and only change one thing, it would be that I wouldn't let the fact some girl I was interested in was dating someone stop me from making my best offer. Here are a few facts to keep in mind - - dating is a noncommittal interview and tryout period. Neither party has any real commitments and either party can exit the dating arrangement at any time. There is no actual commitment until a proposal of marriage is offered and accepted. - most young women's dating relationships are no where near as serious or as committed as other people think they are. Many young women are dating a guy simply to have someone to go out with and so they don't feel alone. Most young women dating some guy will take up a better offer (it's on you to be the "better" candidate) - attractive and popular young women are never completely single. They 'monkey swing' from one dating prospect to the other with no down time in between. If you wait for an attractive young woman to be completely free and single before you make your move, you will forever be sitting on the sidelines looking in because they are never completely free. - most of the time the person that they monkey swing to are the ones that made the best offer while they were dating the other person. Most attractive women have a number of prospects that they are warming up on deck before they cut the ties with the current BF. If you aren't one of those guys getting warmed up on deck, you will not even get a chance at bat. - you do run a risk of the current BF coming after you to kick your azz, but 9 times out of 10 they just huff and puff and never actually resort to actual violence. - women are kind of funny. Sometimes you can get your azz kicked by the old BF and they will still pick you. Sometimes you can lose the fight and the girl will still pick you because it impressed her that you will be willing to take a azz-beating to be with her. (I wouldn't rely on that though, I would encourage you to defend yourself to the best of your ability and do your best to come out on top. Chicks are likely more impressed when you are willing to fit for them and be able to win) -Mother Nature intended males to compete for females and for females to pick the strongest candidate. If you aren't willing to get your hands a little dirty, you aren't trying hard enough in Mother Nature's eyes and if you aren't willing to try hard enough, she would prefer that you didn't breed and pass on your weak and lazy genes. Add that all up and my advice is to give it your best shot. If she says no then you have your answer and you tried, but you also threw your hat into the ring and she will have you on her mind and may be the next candidate when her current BF makes her mad or makes her feel neglected.
Author Islander19 Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 If I could go back in time to my youth and only change one thing, it would be that I wouldn't let the fact some girl I was interested in was dating someone stop me from making my best offer. Here are a few facts to keep in mind - - dating is a noncommittal interview and tryout period. Neither party has any real commitments and either party can exit the dating arrangement at any time. There is no actual commitment until a proposal of marriage is offered and accepted. - most young women's dating relationships are no where near as serious or as committed as other people think they are. Many young women are dating a guy simply to have someone to go out with and so they don't feel alone. Most young women dating some guy will take up a better offer (it's on you to be the "better" candidate) - attractive and popular young women are never completely single. They 'monkey swing' from one dating prospect to the other with no down time in between. If you wait for an attractive young woman to be completely free and single before you make your move, you will forever be sitting on the sidelines looking in because they are never completely free. - most of the time the person that they monkey swing to are the ones that made the best offer while they were dating the other person. Most attractive women have a number of prospects that they are warming up on deck before they cut the ties with the current BF. If you aren't one of those guys getting warmed up on deck, you will not even get a chance at bat. - you do run a risk of the current BF coming after you to kick your azz, but 9 times out of 10 they just huff and puff and never actually resort to actual violence. - women are kind of funny. Sometimes you can get your azz kicked by the old BF and they will still pick you. Sometimes you can lose the fight and the girl will still pick you because it impressed her that you will be willing to take a azz-beating to be with her. (I wouldn't rely on that though, I would encourage you to defend yourself to the best of your ability and do your best to come out on top. Chicks are likely more impressed when you are willing to fit for them and be able to win) -Mother Nature intended males to compete for females and for females to pick the strongest candidate. If you aren't willing to get your hands a little dirty, you aren't trying hard enough in Mother Nature's eyes and if you aren't willing to try hard enough, she would prefer that you didn't breed and pass on your weak and lazy genes. Add that all up and my advice is to give it your best shot. If she says no then you have your answer and you tried, but you also threw your hat into the ring and she will have you on her mind and may be the next candidate when her current BF makes her mad or makes her feel neglected. Thanks for your advice. I never really thought about it that way. I just always feel bad about pursuing another guy's girlfriend, but I guess there's no harm in letting her know I'm interested and letting her decide if I'm a better fit for her.
oldshirt Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Thanks for your advice. I never really thought about it that way. I just always feel bad about pursuing another guy's girlfriend, but I guess there's no harm in letting her know I'm interested and letting her decide if I'm a better fit for her. I refused to approach girls with BFs too in my youth. It took me years to realize that waiting for desirable young women to be completely free and single was fruitless and was just leaving me on the outside looking in. I also had guys who weren't afraid of mixing it up take a couple of my GFs right out from under me leaving me out in the cold. When I added it all up I had the epiphany that guys that were assertive and not afraid to rock the boat and tangle with other guys always had chicks and guys who were afraid to rock the boat were usual with the undesirable leftover chicks or went without. For me I realized it was worth it to me to piss a guy off and maybe even end up with a black eye and bloody nose rather than live a life of celibacy. Your mileage may vary.
oberkeat Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 If I could go back in time to my youth and only change one thing, it would be that I wouldn't let the fact some girl I was interested in was dating someone stop me from making my best offer. Here are a few facts to keep in mind - - dating is a noncommittal interview and tryout period. Neither party has any real commitments and either party can exit the dating arrangement at any time. There is no actual commitment until a proposal of marriage is offered and accepted. - most young women's dating relationships are no where near as serious or as committed as other people think they are. Many young women are dating a guy simply to have someone to go out with and so they don't feel alone. Most young women dating some guy will take up a better offer (it's on you to be the "better" candidate) - attractive and popular young women are never completely single. They 'monkey swing' from one dating prospect to the other with no down time in between. If you wait for an attractive young woman to be completely free and single before you make your move, you will forever be sitting on the sidelines looking in because they are never completely free. - most of the time the person that they monkey swing to are the ones that made the best offer while they were dating the other person. Most attractive women have a number of prospects that they are warming up on deck before they cut the ties with the current BF. If you aren't one of those guys getting warmed up on deck, you will not even get a chance at bat. - you do run a risk of the current BF coming after you to kick your azz, but 9 times out of 10 they just huff and puff and never actually resort to actual violence. - women are kind of funny. Sometimes you can get your azz kicked by the old BF and they will still pick you. Sometimes you can lose the fight and the girl will still pick you because it impressed her that you will be willing to take a azz-beating to be with her. (I wouldn't rely on that though, I would encourage you to defend yourself to the best of your ability and do your best to come out on top. Chicks are likely more impressed when you are willing to fit for them and be able to win) -Mother Nature intended males to compete for females and for females to pick the strongest candidate. If you aren't willing to get your hands a little dirty, you aren't trying hard enough in Mother Nature's eyes and if you aren't willing to try hard enough, she would prefer that you didn't breed and pass on your weak and lazy genes. Add that all up and my advice is to give it your best shot. If she says no then you have your answer and you tried, but you also threw your hat into the ring and she will have you on her mind and may be the next candidate when her current BF makes her mad or makes her feel neglected. I had honestly never thought of it that way. Interesting perspective.
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